Waking softly inside my soul
Poison sweetly kills control
Creeping toward the surface slow
With heartstrings love and pain both sow

Each morning I lie in bed and anticipate your arrival, my awakening, our escape
To the fair ground lights outside the city, and I dream that as we peak on the Ferris wheel,
And, with stars as our witness at this paramount moment, all of Texas comes into view.
Autumnal air ruffles your hair, and I'm reaching for you  like always with little gestures:
My smiles, your smirks, my laughs, and our quirks. Mingling at the summit,
A hand brushes slowly along a knee with the smooth reintroduction to an old friend.
Long fingers fumble with need, and it's just you and me distancing ourselves
From our every day studies in distraction, comforted in our mutual procrastination.
With you I catch  up on my anatomy and you excitedly review me in structures and railways.
On a train homeward bound, the heat of blood rising in your cheeks and lips
Sends an electric surge to my head and heart, and nerves tingle from anticipating home.
Under your tutelage, I soon appreciate the bridge of a nose finally unstressed by glasses,
The dynamic arches of a worn out back, and the strength of pillars erected in urgency
'Til daylight exposes last night's mysteries, and we rest in our ecstasy perspired,
Both of us finally relinquished from the weight of anticipation for this weekend to arrive.

Drip drip drip
Consciousness stripped

Beat three times
Before the flat line

Stop, start, run
Can any save this one?

Life begins and ends
When death’s heel descends

Cry, hope, pray
That souls continue on their way

My brain inquires what my heart feels
Are we ever certain that Love be true?
My bones ache
Remembering this body broken
My heart murmurs
Old wounds heal
And my brain wonders
Is this real

This soul believes in impossible ideals
If I place faith in my gut
Am I to blame for any deception
My brow sweats
Murky be such waters
Life being ever contrary to human love
Yet, something glitters from the river bed
My teeth grit
This might be real

It’s almost too good- too right!
And still my heart beats onward, marching
Through fogs of ephemeral thought
I may be fickle, but I might be sure
That this time I see light
Making these shadows swirl like ghosts
In my mind
My mind decides
This is real

So I wander forth
So I enjoy this vision
So beautiful  
My lips so wet
My love so strong
And you, so perfect
Real or imagined
Or imagined and real

These last words
My mouth speaks
"Be my human experience."
My faces smiles
At the act of choosing heart over head.
But my eyes tear
And a last warning is issued
"But know that these clouds may never clear."

…A new day breaks forth

Opposed though not yet charged, we hold back our fire
Yet in such close vicinity, our features polarize.
A duo of strong minds grapple for understanding while
Fear, Shame, and Anger play an unruly audience amidst the
Backdrop of dusty bookshelves and a mild mid-day sun.
Stuck in stalemate, even magnets become exhausted;
Tired of attempting to display ambivalence toward the other
When so attracted by the primal bond of maternity.
He sympathizes for her tears shed over a prodigal son,
But we can only bear so much hurt when the fight is done.

Dangerously drawing lines to skew
The  formidable friendship between us,
Oh so fortuitous, yet tenderly fruitless
Without space to fill with awkwardness.
Pretense groans lowly in its dissolution
As you muster the courage to ask for a dance.
Yet with so much time spent missing the chance
To clearly define our platonic premise,
Where do we go  and where are we now
That your flailing in these murky waters,
Trying to resist someone who scares you
With the fright of what he'll make you become
By stealing more than a passing glance...
I almost wish I could

the cold enfolds fingers and soul with a freeze that makes trees scream
as winds of loneliness sting eyes like a gut inflamed with poisoned thorns
more time slips pass and less joy comes forth and the yearnings overflow
as timid fingers ache for a hand to grasp, for a chance to hope for more

true love lies deep and only body heat from a fellow man can thaw; thus,
trust dwindles in the act of giving up much for a love that cannot touch,
this distress contrives tired romantic traumas which decimate a heart
and so sadness buries a lonely soul while quiet snow fall frames the tomb

joy delights in shared body warmth of restless minds on dreamy nights,
joy well-wrought craves close companions' unbridled streams of thought

Dreams better left forgotten wake me to reality
Muddled memories, fuzzy faces flash ‘cross my mind
I soon confuse what I dreamt with what I now imagine
It’s cold and the wind makes the trees sigh in the night
I shiver, watching shadows swirl in ceiling corners
Before I pull my knees to my chest and reflect on the past
I ignore the gut feeling that tells me not to dwell
And let my heart swell, a mixture of pleasure and pain
I rise up remembering faces I haven’t seen in a while
I smile… but then I begin to fall
Like a man in a battle, like my gut warned me so
And so, this death brings not a greater peace.
The storm cloud comes and bitterness settles over me
I sink into my sheets seeking safety long lost lifetimes ago
From this fear that I’ll never be rid of this human condition
Loneliness… It finds me and I weep,
All so sweetly, all so soundlessly
As I drift back into my dreams trying to recall
If there is any reason at all to wake me to reality

You crackle and pop like backyard fireworks
Lighting up the darkness without a care in the world
Lovingly set alight to too soon fizzle out
So enjoyed for your sight, but with lingering doubt
For I’m wary of you, despite your fancy frills
A false innocence encourages your unexpected thrills
You’re hot then you explode, dangerous and stunning
And if I don’t watch out, I’ll soon be sent running
Back under the sheets with you by my side
A curious devil that without life I can’t abide
Yet, I know that deep down you’d shrivel inside
Without me to light you up like backyard fireworks
Lighting up my darkness without a care in the world

Awoken by your calls in the dead of night-
Wide, red eyes pierced by white screen light.
My stomach rolls and my body crashes while
Sweat drenched fingers clench the phone tight.
A numbness settles, but my face heats.
Retreating to my hiding place under the sheets,
Realization unfolds in waves of exhaustion
And disappointment from our tale of caution,
Of why we no longer can hide together here
For our love is dead, and I'm shrouded in fear.
Haunted by your calls in the dark of night
Red eyes closed to the bright screen light.

With just the two  of us in the early hours
Before anxious alarms awaken your body,
The distant music of the morning traffic
Nudges the edges of my subconscious to
Instinctively turn my body toward yours
As my arms slowly navigate through sheets
To satisfy their craving of the delicious daily
Ritual of wrapping you up with my hands  
And pulling your weary warmth into me,
Calmed by having you all to myself briefly
Before the day's urgencies disrupt our peace.

Jolt awake
Fall back in pain
A headache? No.
But a Heaviness drains.
Let sunshine in
See light burn harsh
Dull thud pounds blood
Eyes sting, tears flood

Stay awake
Fight back the pain
A stomach ache? No.
But a Sucker punch shames
Sit meals alone
Get full and starve
Dull thud pounds chest
Long hours, no rest

Sleep awake
Feel back in pain
A Body ache? No.
But a Body bag claims
Dream default happy
Love the melancholy
Dull thud pounds not
Heartache, for now, I forgot

A flourish of color springs forth amid a pigeon gray background.
You hold my gaze, and, for a while, I'm frozen still. Captivated,
Perceiving only what I want to see, imperceptive to the cracks and scars,
-Any details at all that make you less perfect, less magnificent to behold.
So surely I cling to this fantastical vision, so hopelessly clear...
Just before the ink droplets' dark diffusion, the realization of  a flaw.
Jolting me into a stark awareness of it's presence -however minute-
And my distaste at it's presentation.  A fresh delight spoils
As this detail permanently disfigures the beauty that stood before.
And like a flutter of wings, all interest dissipates - the fantasy forever gone
From the vision of the entity I chose not to wholly look upon.

Roses round, warm, and red
Beaten blue; dough for bread
Love so harsh as his fists are rough
Lover so hurt as her soul was tough
Married for years ‘til death did they part
Smiling in tears; his death her fresh start

A couple years have passed since I crumbled Us,
Ripping Me from You with no whisper of warning.
A second love grows as life's pendulum circles, and
Eerily familiar memories caution me from darting
Into the same traps that I ensnared you with slowly.

My nose smells the fear of repeating old mistakes.
In this similar space, but different place and time,
My hands recoil from how I soiled your fresh heart,  
And my tongue tastes the sour reality of my crime,
Finding you at fault in my final moment of failure.

I drowned in the truth of how deeply you loved me,
And, it should have been returned with my eyes'
Gaze a little less harsh when I splintered apart We.
And you never deserved to be flooded in the proof
Of how I was not the saint you painted and framed.

My dear, first Love, if you are reading this, I'm sorry.
*"For now, know that I love[d] you and wish you the best.
I'm not sure when the pendulum will stop or where it
Will land in the long term, [for] still I am apparently no
Closer to understanding any [more] about love [than you]."

I’m not sure…
Where to start?
I’m not sure, but…
How do I say this?

But now, is the time…
To cross the canyon
To heal our wounds.
Father and Son

As long as you promise
To meet me halfway
Somehow, we lost our way, and… Well…
Anyway you can, Dad.

Well… Whatdaya say, Dad,
I’ll promise to be your pride,
…to you and me?
Your joy, and your son.

Cause you’re all I got,
And I’m yours
And, one day, I’ll be you.
Whether you */ I  *like it, or not

I love you.

And I hug you to let you know it.
Every
Single
Day

And although you put your arm around me,
Is that enough to fix us?
*You’re not sure either,
But you're willing to try.

I don't want to wait for
My bitterness to push you away
As my patience slowly shrivels,
But don't push me
To try to be stronger
Even though I know I must.

My attempt to put on a tough face
Barely conceals a weary heart
That longs to be near you
If only to be yours
On these faithless nights
Where I need to love you more.

Awaking to the same nightmare
Of  lonely days taking their toll.
I think I'm too young to be jaded,
So I spit fire at the injustice
Of waiting for you,
For us; for anything.

And yet, I know I must not
Cry while glaring forlorn
Out of my room, outside of myself,
To observe a world lacking in the
Kind of love that we share.
A gratefulness comes with time.

Tear streaks down cheeks,
Waiting for you ain't so bad.

You take my hand, and we begin to spin,
The whole world flying past in a flurry.
All my focus is on you at this moment;
Eyes glowing like pure joy ignited a fire.
You live for the risk, never fully indulged.
Willing myself to be present for an instant,
I cannot help but wonder how you see me now,
An anguished face contorted, fear crawling
Like spiders in the wrinkles, eyes shut tight.
Squeezing the blood out of your hand,
Praying things will return to the tired routines
Of a life well planned, yearning to be still,
As you gleefully twirl me on.  A dancing devil.

At first pain
Then first breath
Life awakens to Life,
Embarking
With tears protesting
This first Change.
Then growth starts  
A new mind mapping charts
Mastering wind, making waves
Learning like lightning
And wondering Whys.
In a world so vast
Each sensation overwhelms;
Each second impossible and new.
This world is yours
But you can't have it all
The first sorrow  subtly reflected in you.

So this is the New Year, old Time’s fingered strum.
Hard hearts beat fast for the changes to come.
Old dreams seem tangible and tired eyes set alight,
Yet Fate knows that not all will get kisses tonight.
You can laugh loud and rejoice or just grimace glum,
But the New Year is now, so love whom you’ve become.

Write what cannot be said
Feel the sting and exhale
Out with the truth
That you said you don't need me
When I want to be your shoulder
Before you beg the barstool for support
Sent spiraling into a breakdown...
I'd risk losing everything else
To understand this universe
That forms your turmoils,
Eccentricities, and all.
Even without sunshine to  delight in,
I'd take in your darkness without blinking.
So don't lie when you need me most
Because I'd want you to catch me
When I'm standing on the edge
Alone

While passing quiet morning moments,
A breakfast feels abandoned on the bed,
And bright window light illuminates drafts,
Like dreams strewn 'cross a darkroom, and shadows
Of negatives, overexposed in cold tones,
Fluttering like flashes of thought  in my head.
I sit hardly trapped as much as captivated
By a life lead in dread of realizing potential
Like a great actor afflicted by stage fright,
If the proud eagle were afraid to take flight,
And though power comes with such telling insight,
I sit hardly trapped as much as captivated,
Sighing in  surrender, paralyzed by my Light.

You don't even know
The meaning of your laughter
After all the hurt we have endured
Together. We are strong
And young and dumb,
Riding this wave of bliss,
Taking back what was taken away
Each day. You make me believe
That people can't be all bad,
And with you by my side I can
Hear the wisdom in silence,
Indulge in idiosyncrasies,
Or lose myself on purpose
To rediscover Paradise.
And yet, you don't even know
That you're the only one I can trust,
But the things you don't know,
All these truths, won't hurt us.

Now there's too much to handle, so I'll let my mind meander,
Taking a moment to rack my brain for the kind of wisdom
That only years of failure can achieve, the kind I'm too cowardly
To allow myself to discover. Growth and peace do not come easy
In a world that slowly poisons the mind with a false sense of urgency.

I've let myself imagine what I would do with power
To rival the great gods of ancient times- simpler times,
But the gods seldom used their abilities toward benevolent ends.
Would I ruin others lives to fulfill my selfish endeavors?
Such questions echo in my head, tantamount to denying denial.

Walking under the trees reminds me of the possibility of deep sleep.
Listening to the forest whisper secrets through their branches,
Privy to all their knowledge and comforted by their strength,
I envy their solidarity and salute to their resilience, contrasting
My surrender to insomnia, depositing sand under my eyes like graves.

Feeling small makes me recall the days when I was the apple
Of my father's eye, innocently promising to never disappoint him. Now,
A disappointment-tainted smile greets me, both the Snake and the fruit.
Clinging to an empty shell of memories equally treasured and torturing,
I'm made aware that we also let down the people who never held much hope.

For a short time I thought that love grew from letting a person
Take everything I could give. Having out grown such dangerously
Low self esteem, I'm left still wondering how others are able
To sustain long term companionships of shared trust and intimacy.
I admire them from my window, for so long lonesome until recently.

I stubbornly believe that ***** and books take the cake when
Escaping from bottled up feelings too complicated to express
In coherent stanzas with the hope that one day someone will understand.
Until then, I'll dance dazed to music turned all the way up
In an attempt to blare out the ugliness of the past always pressing in.

My lips burn as red
As this sky is blue
Your laughter was sweet
I leaned close to you

Sunlight shines bright
Green grass feels cool
Your smile was dorky
You called me a tool

White Clouds are fluffy
Birds fly by fast
Your eyes were gleaming
But those times have passed

Though sunlight shone bright
And green grass felt cool
That day in the park
We both played the fool

Life is not simple
Months may grow long
But as we grow older
We too become strong

In my dreams
I see the sunrise
In your blue soul.
Your green eyes piercing,
Searching mine for a greater truth,
An answer to all the big questions.
Why are we here? Why you and me?

I look into you too,
But different thoughts disturb my silence.
Your intelligence intimidates me.
How can I keep such a beautiful man,
A strong-willed, light-hearted, perfection.

Such lonesome thoughts can be expunged
By touching you,
A pleasure that can make me forget
The world and its worries
Forever pressing in on us.
Same world, different worries.

The future seems far off,
And the heavy past, still not far enough away.
Time threatens to tear us apart.
But here, in the now, what scares me most
Is the one I love more than anything,
Because it’s hard for me to admit the truth.
I need love, and you give me that willingly.

On my own I might let the shadows block out the sun
I might even pretend to enjoy it,
My independence, my loneliness, my death.
But with you, I make myself vulnerable,
All emotions laid on display.
Who else but you could pull the curtains back?
The man who taught me to live life large.

Intensely, my head rushing,
Lips tingling, we kiss… finally.
Heart pounding,
In this sweet, dark eternity,
You could swallow me.
And you do.
With your arms.

Like no place I would rather be.
Rescued.

In my dreams.

Like a delightful blink at a lemon's ****
Taste, the intimate trust in another's heart
Beat discards reason for rhyme & certainty
For a gamble of losing it all for romance's
Sweet sake. As life requires us to accept both
The shadows and the light, so we take an oath
To not burden ourselves with what they deem to be "wrong,"
But for us feels quite right. And right now our future looks
Brilliant. Together, forever endeavored, like a fable book's
Tale, we have faced full frontal our biggest fears
And run full force toward impossible dreams
Because we still wipe away the other's sweat and tears
And we will always for as long as you'll have me
Beside you, playing on the same team.

Partying partly ‘cause I know I’m doomed
I **** the truth and drink to lies
I’ll parlay my life into my dreams
But in this business of strife everybody dies.

‘Tis not the only truth so bitter sweet
Like when one dances with the heart
To choose to love is to choose to grieve
And, yet, we let such good things start.

In old age I’ll learn what I’ll never accept
That maybe the middle meant the most
You judge the journey by how, and not where
And, in the sinking, swim; To happiness, toast.

Dreams are the stuff that makes stars shine
Bright, lustrous, so sublime
Hard to capture, may turn you blind,
Yet worth the journey every time.
Yes, dreams are the stuff that changes worlds.
Without them, who would face the dark?
Without them, life would lose its spark,
And toward the End we would never start
If not for dreams,
The stuff that makes stars shine.
Dreams,
The stuff that makes worlds mine.

If there can be love in war,
Then a victory is a loss
When compromise is shaky,
Treaties go amiss,
Surrenders are meaningless,
And shell fire will ring
In memories of unfortunate events
Years, lifetimes, and generations after
The battlefield has cooled,
The flesh wounds have scarred,
And Love was a causality.

Walking 'cross the campus green,
Feeling forgotten memories' weight,
Educated in a suffering I had never known,
A senior fisherman using freshman bait.

Your laughter still grates me to the core,
The discarded apple Eve tossed in the dirt
Without apology to soften the throbbing regret,
With every ignorant hope that cupid's arrow beget.
Losing life, losing  heat in a cold sweat sleep,
With each day since, I've never felt so low
As the  morning after that sweet night in Fall,
For from lust I had fallen, soul sullied. Eyes swollen
Because you used me in a way no one ever has
And had not the heart to pretend to care that
I wanted to love you
                                                ... a hard truth to face.

*And though stronger now, my knees still shake,
Struggling through shadows, lost in your wake.

In this drunken state,
Music blasting bones,
Joints shaken from dance,
Feelings, thoughts, and vision blurry
I feel free of my restraints
And I free myself to the world
Enjoying a moment to feel weightless
Enjoying a moment that never lasts

Walk in my shoes and you can tell that
These boots, these boots have seen
And heard and done it all.
From the mud on the heels,
Where the sole cracks and the skin peels,
You can tell that at times it's been hard.

'Cause it's been a long road
Making my way through these hills.

Yet, now the laces lie undone
With the feet long retired from fun
But these boots have seen the best of days.
And when this memory is gone,
I hope the world will hold on
To the footprints that my love left behind.

Oh, it's been a long run
Taking my time to a better end.

Twisted reeds sway gently in the wind as black seabirds slice the sky overhead.
Waves rolling one by one crash with increasing ferocity on to the rocky beach,
And I watch the red sun set fire to the spray while  the tide encircles me.
Tugging at my feet, pulling me forward, it beckons for my consent. I give in,
And all is quiet even in such chaos. All is nightmarish and beautiful all the more.

The blood red horizon seers my retinas; freshly unleashed tears take to the sea.
These waves, such enormous swells, crash in on me; an unseen war is waging.
They press  me down and back, and then drag me further into the endless blue.
Over and over again, repetition loses count, my outcries die prematurely.
Only seawater and air manage to sputter from my lips, cracked and worn.

Not a whisper can be heard out here in such a true state of despair, but not all
Castaways are without faith. The past I once cherished has been lost to the depths,
Yet a knowing tingle in my gut keeps me searching for a message hidden merely
'Neath the surface. Drifting deeper into my pain, I notice a curious thing:  
The force of the waves lessening as I gracelessly surrender to Sorrow and the sea.

My feet torn by jagged rocks no longer felt, my eyelids blistered by the red
Eternal sunset, a few waves push me under before the siege of the sea falters and
I learn to ride the surf, taking each afront as it comes, whether predicted or
Suddenly upon me. My pain ebbs away slowly with the passing of each episode,
And with each wave I acknowledge my loss, relinquishing my burden.

Like so many desparinging hearts before me shipwrecked in the sea of tears,
I forcefully remind myself that one day the lush, inviting green shores of the
Other side of the sea will appear in my line of vision. Yet, for now, I let myself
Drift through the grief of grieving you, often unsure of whether I'm meant to float
Or should let myself sink toward the blackest crags of my mind. Here alone.

As raindrops meet pavement,
And propped on pillows elbows rest,
A blood rush to coy neck flush,
Under full moon, breeds blood lust;
A pair of tulips bridge new trust.

Falling from fear, us too,
With feelings heavy as clouds,
Slowly-panting-hip thrusts of pleasure
Furrows faces and sweaty brows
And upon long lashes hang dark shrouds.

Like soft pattering on the windowsill,
Firm bodies’ virility hands wish to reveal.
Kissing more intensely than heavenly
Droplets from sky hitting Earth’s dusty dirt,
Licking old wounds brings new meaning to hurt.

Surging like the sea; sails caught in this storm,
Crashing with the clashing of thunder,
Wrecked, yet we rest, two victims of flesh.
To love making love, to love death's caress,
Spills our seed in the soil with no hope left to spoil.

I find comfort in our nightly routine
When I meet you knowing
That by dawn you will be gone
Leaving me with longing to
Watch the sunrise in your blue
Eyes which would gaze intently
Into my being. Happy to finally
lay at rest and feel your strength
Rise and fall steadily, experiencing
A true togetherness condensed
From souls entangled and lips locked
And heavy hearts burning passionately
Como agua para chocolate
Us two simple creatures were trapped
Happily, Intricately, knotted in a web
Fashioned by our own catastrophes
And triumphs made beautiful in every aspect
By you, intriguing me intellectually
Enthralling me emotionally.
Separated physically, I am broken
Yet tied to you as if planted
On solid ground for the first time,
With mind open to the universe.
Complex indeed, for that each night
I fall asleep in bliss to awake without
You, my arms empty, my soul
Empty, with a life otherwise so full, even
Overflowing. Time tortuously slowing
Until I feel dizzy and lost observing
A beautiful world, frozen cold, save for you
While Summer's rays burst forth
Just for you. I will endure for us two
Such small, complex creatures
Blinded by a hearts two sizes too
Large to even realize that
Life never goes as planned. At any time
Misfortune and joy may come completely
Unexpected, and I must accept my fate, and yet
For all my humble posturing, I am a fool
Foolishly trying to plan a future
With you so full of dreams cause
"I could love you for a million years" but
This bottled note bobs in a tortuous sea like
A light struggling in the shadowy,
Cold empty space, which my arms cannot
Embrace in the morning when yearning to hold
Nothing but a lover temporarily taken
From me with tears freeing sorrow
To last a life's time of longing he returns
Not too hardened and not too changed,
To me smiling as we meet again,  hoping
This time to feel the morning wind.

When the lights go out,
The coldness seeps in
And hairs stand on end
Anticipating slumber,
A sweet forgetfulness
Far from the "To-do" lists,
Far from Time's impatience.

All while I lay in wait
Turning with night's stirrings
To solve Life's twisted puzzle
In dreams of demons
Of truths and of fears
That I'd much rather ignore
When I'm completely honest.

So won't you hold me now
And lighten the load
That a blue heart bears
To not feel so alone
And relieve  these eyes so blurred
From wanting for what is not
When the light surrenders.

While the city sleeps so silently,
So silently I yearn for you.

As a blaze of light pierces the sky and spans across the horizon,
You gaze upon opportunity without fear of being blinded
When an irresistible urge to reach for it with all your might
Sends you sprinting full force forward over the hurdles,
Pushing always onward until nothing can hold you back,
Not even the pain of the struggle, strengthening your resolve,
As you forget to miss all that was sacrificed for the journey
Because life is worth the chance to run among the wild horses.
You pause a moment to take in a breath and glimpse the beauty
Of freedom, hard-won and sacred, growing nearer with each day.
You race with wild stallions; their spirits carry you away.