Im confused.
I can not allow myself to be happy,
To feel loved.
And when it is expressed to me,
I brush it off my shoulder.
As though it ment nothing.
And that's the problem.
It does mean something,
But im not sure what.
Maybe smiles,
Laughter,
Squinted eyes,
And rosy cheeks.
Those memories
And good feelings I give you,
You are now trying to express back to me.
But maybe you have different memories.
You do see the laughter and smiles,
But maybe a pretty girl,
With bright eyes
Appeared first.
A warm, cozy feeling wraps you,
As it did for me.
Or maybe you think nothing.
And these over analyzing of thoughts,
Leads me down a dark road.
A lonely memory,
An old way of life
Flashes back.
Dispare,
Awkwardness,
Shyness,
Agravation,
Self- loathing feelings
Raindown apon me.
So I can't think of the positve you see in me.
Even when you tell me to love you,
And show me with open arms
That it's okay,
I just can't.
I'm broken.
Maybe you can't see,
But I cannot accept-
The love that i so desperately want,
The friendship that I need to establish,
Affection,
Attention,
That I crave with every fiber of my being.
But I can't show it.
So I've built an invisible bulletproof wall.
You, my friend may not see it,
But I can tell you sense it's presence.
And that fact alone,
Kills me.
I so desparatley want to tear it down,
Too feel your warm presence,
But it's for your own good,
        my own good.
Because if I show my friendship,
And express my love,
And give you everything I've been holding back
For so long,
...
It's simply too much.
Im too much for you to bare.
       For anyone to bare.
So I'd rather go completely numb to the world,
Than loose sight of you.
And that is already in progress.
I know I'm just another,
But I'm different.
And thar's why I'm confused.
I train myself to think like everyone else,
But I have a different perspective.
So I keep my distance,
Which slowly breaks our bond,
Along with my weary heart.
But it 's for the best.
I'd rather be eased off into loneliness,
than having the whole world one day,
And loosing it the next.
Because that has happened.
And I can not go on if history repeat itself.
So here I sit.
In the corner,
Watching everyone dance to the music.
And then I think,
Maybe your confused too.