Ok…today I’m talking about my friends…in the pre-cyberspace era and now in 2012…feel free to interrupt and ask questions as they pop up in your heads…


Part 1: pre-cyberspace

1
I love this age
of the internet

but ages ago
(pre-cyberspace)
I was lonely
I had no friends
and my neighbors
gave me ***** looks;
and my classmates
when I gave them scone
they gave me scorn


2
I wrote to prospective penpals
but they never replied -
those *******!
Nothing ever in my mail
in exchange for the thousands I sent!
It was just a ***** scheme
to collect my stamps!
And maybe they’re Buffet-style investors –
thought one day I’ll be famous
so they’ve collected my letters
in my elegant handwriting...


3
by the way
any of you of my age here at this site -
any of you got my unloved, collected penpal letters?
Well you know what?
I never became famous;
I became a poet
and poets never make money -
so what have you got?
My letters you collected
are as worthless as banana peel!
Losers!
You should have bought Coca-Cola shares
like Warren Buffet!
Losers!





Part 2: and then came cyberspace

4
Ah, so woe was me then
with no friends -
then came the internet
And wow! Did I get mail!
Now I’ve got countless mail and mail again –
You’ve got mail!
You’ve got mail!
chirp my computers!
(Yeah – I got so much mail
I need a herd of computers!)
And what did you say?
Spam? Junk mail?
I mean, OK, there’s junk mail and spam, yeah –
Hey! What’s wrong with you guys?
You people have too many questions!
You jelalous?
One thing’s sure never changed in the world -
All you wise guys and spoilsports!

5
Well
and as the tornado of my e-mails implies
the internet has brought me countless friends:
Hey, all those penpals who never replied -
Eat your hearts out, baby! -
Cos yours truly now has
countless numbers of friends
at various sites like *Faceless
Friendless, Lonely Hearts Full of Holes –
to mention just a few

6
And you know what?
I get so many just writing to me - to me,
with requests –
Requests! - see how polite and civilised my friends be?
Well, there’re just so many
I’ve had to turn down quite a few
who’re not, shall we say,
not good-looking enough, unlike me…
You know, it’s important, to be seen in good company
What?
Sure…you want proof? Just a few names
from the infinite list of my friends will suffice, you say?
Yeah, here are some of my friends with such distinguished names:
Gummy bear…Porcupine…Desperado…Mexican Jumping Beans…
Kosovo Sweetheart…Reindeer Pie…China Doll…Ninja Turtles…
And hey – don’t you try steal any of my friends!
Sure some people turn me down –
like that guy what’s-his-name in Syria?
Yeah – him…he said he doesn’t want to be friends;
says he’s too busy fixing his people…
Then I asked
yeah, I asked President Obama – but he said
he has got enough Aussie friends,
in high places, might I add, he said
Oh, but he’s no idea about
the value of my Friends Database!
I asked Vladamir Putin
(since he’s so many friends in Russia)
but he says he’s busy at the moment
caring for the people of his nation…
(No wonder he’s so many friends in his nation
who all turn out in the streets to show him their love.)
But hey? Who needs them anyway -
when I’ve got friends like Rasputin?
Yeah, see – I’ve not only friends in cyberpsace
but from otherspace too,
but that’s another story…

Point being: thanks to cyberspace
at last
I’ve got all the friends I want!
By the way,
did I mention my friend Chubby Pinch My Bottom?

Oh Vova, My little Vova
Sitting on your throne of skulls
You survey your frozen kingdom
and as you always do
You grimace
With bitterness tempered by the ages
Born a citizen of a scarlet empire. now the tyrant of a tricolor nation          
You are both the largest and the smallest man
Who does reside in this time-worn land
You rule your potemkin empire with a fist of iron, a gaze of lead and a voice of kolokol-1
Your inhumanity is well practiced
From your days in the KGB
Your “New Russia” is merely a kleptocratic mockery of it’s golden years
A cheap ersatz mimicry
of Russia’s grandest days
Few things could bring your hard slavic face to show
Even the smallest modicum of joy
But there he stands
Dima!, oh Dima
The light of your life
The only man with the power
To make the Czar smile

I know Henry the VIII had six wives
   and that bees live in hives.
I know blue and yellow put together make green.
   and that the populations the biggest it's ever been.
I know the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog
      is the greatest sentence on Earth
    And that male seahorses give birth.
I know Neil Armstrong was the
     first man on the moon
and that the dish ran away with the spoon.

I know that peanuts are present in dynamite
  and that Einstein wasn't always right.
I know you shouldn't bite off more than you can chew
  and  that Tom Crapper invented the loo.
I know that Ben Franklin flew his kite into a storm
to prove that lightening's an electrical form.
I know that goldfish have a three second memory span
   that my dad will never be a Man United fan.
I know that Eric Clapton went Knocking on Heavens door.
  and that the Swiss aren't helpful in a war.


I know the Russian Prime Minister's Vladamir Putin.
I know who discovered Penicillin
I know that seven times seven is forty nine
    and that the French enjoy their wine.
I know ostriches lay eggs bigger than their head
   and that pencils used to be made from lead.
I know flowers survive because of  photosynthesis
  and that Chuck Norris is good in a crisis.
I know that Darwin didn't say we came from apes
   and the story of 'The Great Escape. '
I know you should always let your conscience by your guide
   and the tenth main cause of death is suicide.

I know that lemon is an anagram of melon
   and that Guy Fawkes was a convicted felon.
I know that life the Universe
    and everything is forty two.
   That I'm too old to play Guess Who.
I know the reason for having a leap year .
   and that Beethoven couldn't hear.
I know Walt Disney was afraid of mice
and that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice.

I know Pluto was stripped of it's status in 2006
and that some problems just can't be fixed.
I know Amelia Earhart was the first woman to fly a plane
that diamonds are harder than John Mc Clane.
I know that Americans dial 911 in an emergency
that more monopoly money is printed than real currency.
I know the electric chair was invented by a dentist.
And that Josef Stalin ruled with an iron fist!

I know that cats have nine lives
and that Elvis Presley could really jive
I know that no one does drugs like Charlie Sheen
that I couldn't survive a day without caffeine
I know that an insufficiency is called a dearth
and that some things cost more than their worth.
I know Neil Armstrong was the
     first man on the moon
and that the dish ran away with the spoon.