"But he shall never know who I am!" Nicotine said in total desperation to her noxious best friend. "You don't understand, you never felt what I'm feeling!" Nicotine pulled away from her friend and ran downstairs
"You will get caught" Lela shouted trying to talk her sense out of it. "What if you got caught?"
"Then I shall be punished for this love but I refuse to regret trying to have it." She wore a jacket and a baseball cap and took off.


Nicotine wasn't a normal girl, she wasn't like Lela or girls in her age. In fact, she wasn't like anyone ever.
She was very brave and creative, dreamy but she makes it happen. She doesn't care what people might think and she doesn't like rules. She grow up with merother and both brothers, her dad died with surgery complex of  adjustable gastric band when she was 13; and he told her before he took the breath of his death "don't ever change, don't be like me. Change them without trying. Just be you, they'll follow! And never chase love, love will find you." And she never lived by any rules except for those.
She was the youngest among her brothers yet she was the strongest emotionally, physically and the brightest mentally. Nicotine never understood why the world decided to be a man's world when she is a woman and better than a lot of men!

Nicotine was a strange girl that wouldn't let anything stop her. And nothing stopped her indeed.
Until this one time...

She was 17 years old when she met a boy. Travis was his name, Travis has traveled from his school to hers and they met in English class. The only seat available was next to her so he sat there. For three seconds, there eyes met and Nicotine never been that much hooked. She was straight forward and hate the games. So by the end of the day she asked Travis out.
"Sorry, I don't tend to be rude but my sister died few months back and I don't feel like being around girls."
Nicotine flustered when this time, she didn't know how to get what she wants. She smiled and waved goodbye.
She wouldn't lose hope and she was determined to be Travis best friend! But Travis never showed on the second day of school or the third. Travis never showed up again as if he disappeared with fresh air up the mountains where people lose their way back in the forest.

Years went by but Nicotine never had forgot his details...

The way his long brown darkish hair flew unlike mainstream. Dark skin tone with black wide eyes. Even though Nicotine was 5,9 feet considered tall, Travis was almost 6,4 or something.
There have been nights when she dreamt of him hugging her tight telling her "wait, don't leave. I'm coming" or the times when she sees him everywhere and never been able to love anyone as half as the love she feels for Travis. Some nights she thought, maybe... Just maybe I love him too much because he is the one who left not the other way around! But most nights, she dreamt about way long French kiss.

One day she was walking down the streets on her way back from college. She is a senior now and a vergin.
Nicotine was in her usual bubble listening to her IPod music when she saw him again.
She wasn't sure at first. His hair was shorter and she didn't recognize the smile. But those eyes and the skin tone. **** it, she can't let him slip again.
"Yo, Trav" some whiteish guy across the road yelled to him.
Trav? Trav? He said Trav? What's the short name goes for????¿¿¿!!!¡
"For the million times dude, its Travis. Never call me Trav" Travis flicked the white guy forehead. "Whatever, u going to Delphic tonight?"
"Yep, best arcade ever!"
Nicotine stood still for awhile, losing her ability to control her lungs. Shortens in oxygen. Her mouth was all rusty and words too little. Suddenly she started running home as fast as she could. Called her best friend and told her about her plan.

That's when Lela started to be noxious.

"Okay okay, hold on" rising her hands up to shush me "you are going to the Delphic arcade across the city tonight to stalk a guy you have been in love with-one sided- for years faking that you are a guy?" She paused. "That's so normal, nothing weird about this." Laughed sarcastically
"You don't need to understand" said Nicotine.
It almost felt as it she's mourning "why are you doing this please I need to understand?"
Nicotine was racing the clock trying to get ready to be the coolest guy. Wig of short hair? Done. Thick eyebrows? Done. Guys shirt? Done. Jeans? Done. ******* corset? Done. She was very sure he is the one. "I don't know how to explain all the feelings I have for this guy. But one time I was a girl and he turned me down because his sister died months ago and then disappeared! Look at me, Lela! Do I look like a girl to say no to?"
"All this trouble for a revenge?"
"Of course not, its a give in to my heart"


Nicotine arrived at 9 pm sharp. She doesn't know is Travis here already or not but she doesn't waste time and she starts looking for him. By a pinball machine Travis stood next to his friends and the white guy she saw earlier. She knew no time should be anymore wasted.

"Excuse me?" Said nicotine in loud, stiff and sharp voice
All the guys turned around of the pinball looked at her. Except they weren't looking at a girl but a handsome guy.
"I've lost my phone and I think my friends left, can I use one of you cell phone?"
"Sure" Travis said first. Pulled his cell out of his ripped jeans pocket and handed to me.
"Thanks, won't take long"
Nicotine pulled herself aside and started pretending that she is talking on the phone by calling her cellphone voice mail. Next step, spend some quality time with Travis!!
"*******, *******!!!" Nicotine shouted through the phone and close the line dramatically groaning.
"U ok?" Travis grabbed nicotine by the shoulder.
"Yeah." Nicotine paused "I need a ride home"
"I can give you one if you like." Travis blushed. "Do you need to leave now?"
"No, I can stay for a while more.... I'm nicotine" we shook hands
"Travis... Don't ever call me Trav. Nicotine as THE NICOTINE?"
"my dad was big fan of the 70's rock bands, I happen to be a sin" Nicotine leaned closer while still grabbing his hand then she whispered "btw Trav, I never play by the rules"

Travis stood there, studying Nicotines face like a map dotting every detail as if he planning to get an A+ on geography. "You're... Different" Travis murmured.
Nicotine grinned.

They've spend days and days having fun going out for ice cream or movies. Concerts and jams. Late night phone calls and early breakfast making. They never talked a out girls which was odd to nicotine but she was relifed Travis didn't like any girls around.


They were on a hill laying down gazing at the stars in the middle of an afternoon sun. It was one the weird games they played that nobody understood.
"Listen" Travis said "I need to tell you something"
Nicotines heart pounded "listening but whisper"
Travis took a moment before he spoke again. "I'm gay." Travis sounded edgy. "I'm gay for you... Don't bail on me I love you,
nicotine. Kiss me"

In a matter of a second nicotine lost all hope for words all hope for love and all hope to forget this love that now has been so close to be reached. She got up and ran away. But this time not home. She ran to the cemetery where her dad laid...

She was caught up between telling him the truth or go get a transgender surgery. But she was afraid if she told the truth, he could never love her like he loved nicotine the guy. If she told the truth, he could not forgive her for the lie she told. She lived. Nicotine was torn in front of her dads grave and wanted for angel of death to come and take her soul. Just for a day or two. Just for a while, until Travis forgets. Until she forgets. Before this, ever have been done by her.

"Why are you crying?" A voice shifted nicotine's mind from lost to found. "What are you doing here? How did you find me" she said.
"You told me, that's where you go when things go wrong." Travis tenderly spoke, sat next to me. "Have they gone wrong?" He said.

Nicotine was trying to control her sobb "yes." Wiping her tears with her arm "I didn't mean to go so far"
Travis stared and stared and looked at nictone in a way she couldn't read his face. "There is something I should tell you" nicotine whispered frighteni for the first time in her life since her father died. "Speak" Travis whispered while his forehead clicked to mine.
Nicotine froze as soon as she felt his skin on hers. She closed her eyes not wanting to look at the disappointment in his eyes. The frown on his face. She couldn't focus when she had his breath on her face. She didn't know how to begin, she didn't know how to open her rusted mouth. "I..." Travis pulled nicotine closer placing both of his hands on the sides of her head and kissed her. Kissed her like he never seen lips before. "I know." Travis said.
"What?"
"I'm 25 years old, don't you think I'd know a girl when I see one? Specially a girl I wanted to kiss the day I met and thought I've lost for good"
Nicotine crocked a smile and rushed to his rough lips. Biting the lower lip as if she never kissed a guy before. It wasn't just lust or the need for ****** *******. It was craving to touch a skin you adored. It was listening to your favorite song alone in the dark. It was comfort that made love.
Travis slowly pulled her away "why did you fake to be a guy?"
"I was afraid to lose you again if I was a girl if you had a lover." Embarrassed nicotine spoke her words. "I'm sorry, I love you. Don't leave."
"You're nicotine... And I'm heavy smoker seeks death if it means to die by your love"

And that's how Romeo and Juliet died of lung cancer. Just kidding. They died with poison

What Is ‘Is’?


 -Travis-Philosopher Major
 -Arianna-Pre-Vet

Arianna asks Travis about his Thanksgiving but soon after they begin to talk about the ideals of Philosophy. The following is an account of the conversation that took place...

Arianna
But what ‘is to think....’ I feel like if I just question EVERYTHING then I’ll be set.
I feel like philosophy is a circle of never ending questions.
Travis
It is! It is an attempt to understand the truth! It is a love for wisdom!
Arianna
Through questions?
Travis
While yes, how else would you meet your 'ends'?
Arianna
Hahaha, so it can be thought of as a series of questions?
Travis
Perhaps. Descartes was able to narrow everything he thought and knew about the world into one phrase, 'I think therefore I am'.
Arianna
Is that saying that everything you think ‘you are’?
Travis
You are because you think.
Arianna
I am what?
Travis
You are ‘you’, however, you are not I.
Arianna
Ahh...Hahaha...What if two people think exactly the same thought though? That I mean by, Person 1 is still Person 1, and Person 2 is still Person 2, and yet they are different but are able to think the same thought?
Travis
You got something going there Arianna, however, I would argue that no two people have exactly the same thought. They may think about the same exact thing, but each thought exists 'for itself' as well as 'for the subject'. Hence, two subjects, one must assume two separate 'thoughts'. As for your second dilemma, I agree. Each are the same, 'One', as well as an 'also', the 'other'. Each existing 'for itself' as well as 'for an other'.
Arianna
hahaha hmm... hahaha... whaaat. How can a thought exist for a subject?
Travis
For whom then would the thought exist for?
Arianna
For the person who thought up the thought.
Travis
You just answered your own question.
Arianna
To execute into an action?
Travis
Say more.
Arianna
Well then, why does a thought exist ‘for itself’, Travis?
Travis
Because the ‘thought’ must retain its own 'essence'; its own 'being'. Whatever this thought may be, be it a 'Cupcake', then this newly thought up 'Cupcake thought' must retain its own 'Cupcakeness'.
Arianna
hahaha...but if a thought only exists so it can be turned into an action, why else would we think a thought, that is, if we didn’t want this thought to develop into an action?
Travis
Well, let me explain. We desire our 'objects of desire'. I desire cupcakes. I get this image of a cupcake in my head and its 'deliciousness'. I now take this desire and transcend it, take my thought and convert it into a mechanical form, the action. I would say the action is merely a consequence of our 'thoughts' and 'desires'.
Arianna
hmm I think I agree.
Travis
It is funny too, if you think about Ari, if you think about the Catholic churches and their rituals
Arianna
What do you mean by?
Travis
Well, they eat bread and they drink wine.
Arianna
That is right. The body and blood of christ
Travis
They desire to be a part of Jesus' spirit, so to fulfill their desire they eat his ‘body’ and drink his ‘blood’; they destroy it and make it a part of themselves. Hegel says that this is the relationship between people. This 'Struggle to the Death' for the sole purpose to 'be for yourself'.
You still wanna take a philosophy class?
Arianna
Wait...haha. No I don’t. I wouldn’t MIND it, but it would probably cause brain aneurisms. Explain this ‘struggle to the death’ more.
Travis
While yes, when two self-consciousness’ come into contact with one another, a duel erupts and both struggle to abolish the other for the purpose of realizing its own ‘truth’ and to exist ‘for itself’; both work to **** the other off just for their owns satisfaction and selfish desires to see themselves as independent.
Arianna
hahaha what No! I don’t try to **** off you or Jaclyn!
Travis
But you do, self-consciously at least.
Arianna
No way, no!
Travis
According to Hegel’s ‘Phenomenology of Spirit’ you do.
Arianna
I respect your thoughts because they are so different, but I just continue my way of thinking, that is all.
Travis
I interpret it as an active process. It is not necessarily 'killing' per se. To '****' off a ‘self-consciousness', your not really killing the person off, per se.
Arianna
What are we killing? The other persons thought process? Their ideas?
Travis
It gets confusing. The way that I interpret it is that we **** of their existence by being totally independent and for ourselves. So in a relationship between a master and slave, or a lord and bondsman, this is the struggle that takes place. This is the ‘Struggle to the Death!”