In just a little bit, we’ll begin to see Christmas holiday decorations, which start showing up even before Halloween. And along with the strings of lights all over the place will be a set of emotions that accompany the presents we are supposed to give.

A recent question from a reader provides an opportunity to talk about gift-giving expectations for all occasions. In this case, an upcoming wedding triggered the gift dilemma. As part of a regular feature on family financial feuds, I will address the issues the person raised.

The background: The reader’s niece is getting married. The bride and groom both work part time. The reader relayed that her niece had dropped out of college after a year and a half. The reader checked out her niece’s bridal registry and was “kind of blown away” by the high-end items, including pots and pans that cost $200 each and Kate ***** dish towels.

“I sent my sister a gentle text about being surprised that Kate ***** even made dish towels,” the reader wrote during one of my online discussions, “and she responded saying, ‘Don’t buy her anything. I will get you the information on her student loans (which she has not been responsible about) and pay those down instead of buying her anything.’”

The gift suggestion about the student loans didn’t sit well with the aunt, who already is upset since she co-signed. “My credit score is down 100 points because of it,” she wrote.

The conflict: “There are many issues here to deal with,” the aunt explained, not the least of which is that when her own daughter got married several years ago, the reader’s sister did not give a wedding present.

She continued: “I know my sister has struggled financially since her divorce, so I didn’t let it bother me. It just feels weird to pay down someone’s student loans as a wedding gift. My husband thinks I shouldn’t pay down the student loans. I am inclined to pay down something, but also get her some small items (no Kate ***** dish towels!). Any ideas?”

The bottom line: Here’s the crux of the family financial drama: “My sister [is] basically asking me for money, when she did nothing — not even a card — for my daughter’s wedding.”

There are three issues as I see it: the student loans, the pressure to buy from a registry, and retribution.

The student-loans problem shouldn’t be lumped in with the whole gifting issue. The reader refers to the debt as “someone’s student loans.”

But those are her loans, too. When you co-sign, you’re not merely providing your good credit name as a reference. Paying the loans isn’t a gift. It’s her responsibility.

If I were the reader, I would sit down with my niece and talk about how we are going to handle the debt going forward. It may be that she has to make payments until the niece is in a financial position to pick them back up.

As for the gift registry, some people list big-ticket items they can’t afford, or they expect that perhaps a group of friends or relatives may share the cost. However, sometimes it does feel like registries are an excuse for the couple to be greedy. I routinely ignore what’s picked out if I can’t find something in my budget. A registry shouldn’t be seen as a mandatory shopping list.

By the way, just because someone is underemployed or having financial troubles doesn’t mean he or she shouldn’t want nice things or even brand-name items.

Now, let’s address the core issue here. The reader is hurt that her daughter didn’t receive a wedding present.

Gifts are sometimes interpreted as a symbol of what people think of you. But if the reader’s sister and niece attended the wedding and wished the bride and groom well, shouldn’t that count for as much as, if not more than, some gaudy gift?

As Judith Martin, the etiquette columnist known as “Miss Manners,” says, a wedding invitation is not an invoice. Yes, it’s a thoughtful gesture when people give. Nonetheless, be careful about your sense of entitlement whether it’s for a wedding or the holiday season.

I believe it’s our presence — not presents — that matters most.

You might wonder: Well, should the reader in return simply attend the wedding and wish the couple well?

If she doesn’t give a wedding gift in retribution, that’s being ill-mannered.

Just because you didn’t get doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give. And if a family member fails to give, be gracious and remember it really is better to give than to receive.

read more:www.marieaustralia.com/long-formal-dresses

www.marieaustralia.com/formal-dresses-adelaide

In a perfect world right now, I would be happy. But I’m not…surprise
I met a guy I suppose…I don’t remember much of our encounter only that I was speaking too fast. I was too nervous and he was calm
You might wonder huh…why didn’t you have everything under control. I’m not sure.
Is it because he was white? Is it because his whiteness was too cliché to my dark skin?
Is it because the stares nerved me in a way I haven’t experienced before or is it because of the assumptions of what my countrymen would think mattered most to me?
I think it’s because I went on the internet today and my heart broke dear reader…I wanted to understand what I was doing wrong.
It turns out this person and I are too different…different seems like an insult to me right now.  I’m not supposed to feel this way. Different is not a bad thing I suppose?
Okay, I’m mumbling at this point.
We are culturally different he says…we have to step one stone at a time and mind his feelings. he wasn’t raised in an open way in his country. Who will mind my feelings? Wasn’t I raised differently too? I don’t understand. I don’t understand what I did wrong
Our brains are different. I hate this word now…different.
It has such a distance to it. Separation, aloofness.
Dear reader, I went online to read about his people. He checked all the boxes.
I’m sad every time he doesn’t text back after 8 hours…8 hours. In my country, 8 hours is enough for a person to develop feelings of hatred and lack of affection? I’m not sure.
I met a man dear reader but my mind tells me I haven’t. it fights every day with my heart. Leave… read the signs…don’t be patient. He doesn’t like you.
Dear reader this man is very affectionate in person. It baffled me the first time we met. I’m not used to such kind of affection from my people, the tenderness. The small kisses on my face and forehead
Yuck, I sound like a 20-year-old girl who has never experienced such emotion before.
But oh, dear reader you should see us discussing everything under the sun…where did I I go wrong
Why am I sad?
I don’t understand why I feel this way.
Is it because he is different?
Oh, how I hate the word different.
It says I should take initiative, approachable manner with him, take my time with him if I really like him. Why? why all the effort?
Different cultural upbringings
Language barrier. We both speak English dear reader.
I must confess. I am a bit drunk
The author Charles Bukowski used to be drunk half the time he wrote his books Not a role model. But I like him
Why should someone make me question myself so?
Why should someone also make me feel like I get him immensely, I get all his books and politics?
I don’t know what I am writing
I might be overreacting dear reader but what should I do?
Ignoring a being who texts you back at odd hours of the night and morning is difficult for me dear reader. But what should I do???
What should I do if he has the prettiest eyes? okay, I’m lying here. His eyes scare the living hell out of me.
They remind me of a snake. Green eyes and speckled yellow in them.
I’m sorry if he replies to my texts with indifference and I rush to reply to them. He is too interesting for my liking dear reader
What does it even mean when someone calls you cute? So vague. I have never liked the word cute or beautiful.
I am foolish dear reader; did I miss out on an opportunity or something. Did he get tired of me?
They are known for being overly nice. On the surface. But what does it mean when people say they are aloof ish to the extent of being mean? They are used to a close-knit circle of family and friends? They do not like strangers or foreigners?
I’d expected him to be different dear reader. He has traveled and met many different people
Why is he still tied to his country’s understandable archaic upbringings?
I’m so confused.
My heart has betrayed me, dear reader.
And for a man. I am very disappointed. I am disappointed because in a way we made a pact with this body of mine you see.
Men are not to be part of our heartache. Not ever not anymore
But I like him. I like him, dear reader
And I hope he texts me soon. So, I can delete all this foolishness and go back to normal. Go back to the girl who affected and controlled the emotions of men…. not the other way round
Do you think he is aware of how much I bore him so? Or he has foreseen I will fall too soon?
I think it’s the alcohol dear reader. These feelings do not belong to me.
I refuse to accept them and I hope to rid of them as soon as possible
Lovesick. My heart is lovesick
Oh, **** I’m 20 years old again I suppose. I hope I return to 27 soon enough
Goodbye

I think I'm always meant to be a writer; in the way where I always see things in third person.

I guess the past boys I used to like were, in a sense, too flashy for me. At first, I don't know what they lacked that I had to stop. I'm looking for something but they just didn't have it. Maybe I'll know when I meet the right person?

So now, I'd rather stick to just observing the boys around me--those of potential love interest or not, like I do with every other person. The most recent boy was such a main character in many people's stories; he has main character quality, albeit only from afar.

I conclude I'm looking for a person who's like me; not exactly a writer, but someone who balances. A reader, perhaps? Someone who sees things in a third person perspective as well; someone who can read people, understand the atmosphere and we can watch and scrutinize over anything and anyone.

I'm not saying that the boys in the past were incapable of being observant, but maybe they just don't care about these things, in the way that I do. And I don't really want to waste my time on a person who's like that.  When you observe a reader, they sort of observe you back.

So, back to my most recent--he's just a main character, lolling about in a plot, used to being watched, and not being proactive enough to be another writer or reader. It's ironic, because there are supposed to be two people in a love story. Two characters are needed but I don't want to be in that situation because I don't think I can be "main character" enough.

I'd rather find myself a reader to match me, a writer.

I've learned something about myself after liking a person. Now that I think of it, I guess I am looking for that thing that sets non-readers and readers apart. It's just really obvious, to me at least, when you know a person reads or not.

The superficial factor is, which I'm sure everyone sees, if a person "looks" like a reader. But you'll only truly know when you interact with them. The reader's thoughts are beyond their "looks" as a reader and goes farther than the minds of non-readers.

There's no rush in finding a relationship, I guess. I believe the readers will find the writers they will want to read, even if they don't know the writers' names at first. They'll come across our stories and they'll feel like being a part of it once they've read; not in the sense where they feel like the main character, but how they understand the writer's thoughts through the plots of the story.

You can see it in one's eyes and we writers have this in-depth instinct in sensing out different types of people: bad, good, weak, strong, non-readers, readers, etc. I suppose sometimes we don't want to admit these things because of easily misjudging people, but it's a fact that's silently agreed on by almost everyone.

I'm really dead set on on finding that quality which will make me love a person, a reader. And so far in the boys I've met, I never found it. But that's okay, because I always find little bits of myself, even if it's just a bit, every time I don't find what I'm looking for in them.

It turns out I'm looking for my other self in someone else. I'm looking for a reader who can read, know and understand me.