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I write about my raw feelings, which vary from day to day yet never fail to be deeply impactful on my outlook on life. I ...
Poems
Mateuš Conrad
Oct 2017
pierdolony tasiemiec, ten mój angielski.
it's a strange affair, asking for gender neutral pronouns -
last time i checked, a pict taught me english,
and he, not once, suggested
that the category of pronouns
was a gender case,
or a gender neutral ground
for that matter...
thank **** i am using this as
an acquired tongue,
otherwise i would be confused
as to what this whole affair "means":
i.e. it means *nothing.
do these natives even realise that
they already have gender neutral
nouns?!
oh yeah, if you check out
some of the other european languages
you'll realise that there are pro
gender nouns for objects that
do not have the mechanisation of
a ****, or a piston?!
throw three ***** into the air
and hope that they catch them
and start juggling.
english doesn't have
a masculine & a feminine ascription
of "******" differentiation of objects -
the english language has the already
gender neutral articles:
the point, a point -
a sun, the sun -
it doesn't treat the sun as female,
nor does it treat the moon as male...
but other language do that...
but gender neutrality of pronouns
is a bit like... don't know:
talking sign-language swahili to
a chinese person?
and then this talk about *** lives
and household chores...
who the **** said that cooking
is a feminine enterprise?
who let the women into the kitchen
in the first place?
talk to an organic chemist -
he'll tell you:
i relax making culinary experiments.
once upon a time perhaps it was
a case that men hunted and women
cooked...
so all the michelin star restaurants
are run by women?
cooking is a feminine "enterprise"?
man, have you lost your *******?!
who said that women can cook?
oh right, that's a tier up from the insult
that women belong in the kitchen,
oops...
the last meal i had was a pasta
bake, with the pasta not done al dente,
and after baking: mush...
any pensioner would be happy
to slurp that carbohydrate mush up,
through a straw any time...
bad *** = divorce? try overcooked pasta,
or undercooked potatoes.
that **** gets me steaming
puffing screaming obliterating any if any
there was an internal monologue...
why is cooking deemed a feminine
"chore"?
why can't cooking suddenly
emerge as both art and chemistry?
but it is just that...
who said that women belong
in the kitchen?
i didn't say that...
nor did hell making a broth of sins...
and suddenly, what? the idea is infantile?
go with the flow, no point breaking
a sweat by imitating a ****** building a dam
to clog up the popular view of:
well, given my dreams, i'm sure as ****
scared of dying, and waking into one
of these dreams...
where in the woken-into-dream i'm
not the protagonist, but merely a cameo;
my fear of death is not that of amen obliteration,
but the idea of waking up in a dream,
and as i already said: with but a cameo role.
once again: who let these women into
the kitchen, and why is cooking stereotypically
a feminine affair?
doesn't anyone relax and loves
to see the transformation of food
like a chemist might with chemicals?
again, once more:
you can get your gender neutral pronouns,
but once you allow pro gender nouns...
i.e. a chair is a man, a table is a man
(masculine) -
a candle is a woman, a mirror is a woman
(feminine) -
oh, wait, right, english doesn't have
this grammatical dimension of things being
categorised by gender...
it only has the microscope the (i.e.
direct article) and the telescope a (indirect
article)...
point being, this isn't even my fight...
i'm quiet literally a bystander,
the english language is inorganic to me,
it has been acquired,
it's not organic enough to make a former
slave into the slapping slur rapper of exponential
slang source...
i don't know how this mutilated
elephant man of a tongue is going to survive
this "epiphany"... " " (yes, that implies
sarcasm, as perfected by the english themselves)...
i almost feel sorry for this to have
arisen, someone must have taught you
cheap native anglo...
now i get the english gender neutral noun -
but a gender neutral pronoun?
you'll have to start speaking french,
or polish, to get a gender neutral pronoun,
given that in these languages:
nouns are pro gender.
sorry;
you simply can't turn your spreschen into
hieroglyphs overnight and expect me to understand
you, with, what the current year suggests,
leaves me without a rosetta stone
to decipher the jargon that's transcendental slang;
maybe if i spotted some gender neutral
pronoun graffiti on the streets,
then, maybe;
nonetheless, once more:
this is not my fight, this language is not
an organic extension of me,
it's an inorganic implosion -
to me this language is a parasite,
and i am its host -
bo inaczej nie powiedział bym swego
pierwszego słowa: tak,
jeno inaczej - jak już powiedziałem przez
swego, krasomówczym, pasożyta.
and if my ethnicity is vermin,
guess what... this language but is a parasite
in me; the day i die, is the day
i finally rid myself of it.
it's a strange affair, asking for gender neutral pronouns -
last time i checked, a pict taught me english,
and he, not once, suggested
that the category of pronouns
was a gender case,
or a gender neutral ground
for that matter...
thank **** i am using this as
an acquired tongue,
otherwise i would be confused
as to what this whole affair "means":
i.e. it means *nothing.
do these natives even realise that
they already have gender neutral
nouns?!
oh yeah, if you check out
some of the other european languages
you'll realise that there are pro
gender nouns for objects that
do not have the mechanisation of
a ****, or a piston?!
throw three ***** into the air
and hope that they catch them
and start juggling.
english doesn't have
a masculine & a feminine ascription
of "******" differentiation of objects -
the english language has the already
gender neutral articles:
the point, a point -
a sun, the sun -
it doesn't treat the sun as female,
nor does it treat the moon as male...
but other language do that...
but gender neutrality of pronouns
is a bit like... don't know:
talking sign-language swahili to
a chinese person?
and then this talk about *** lives
and household chores...
who the **** said that cooking
is a feminine enterprise?
who let the women into the kitchen
in the first place?
talk to an organic chemist -
he'll tell you:
i relax making culinary experiments.
once upon a time perhaps it was
a case that men hunted and women
cooked...
so all the michelin star restaurants
are run by women?
cooking is a feminine "enterprise"?
man, have you lost your *******?!
who said that women can cook?
oh right, that's a tier up from the insult
that women belong in the kitchen,
oops...
the last meal i had was a pasta
bake, with the pasta not done al dente,
and after baking: mush...
any pensioner would be happy
to slurp that carbohydrate mush up,
through a straw any time...
bad *** = divorce? try overcooked pasta,
or undercooked potatoes.
that **** gets me steaming
puffing screaming obliterating any if any
there was an internal monologue...
why is cooking deemed a feminine
"chore"?
why can't cooking suddenly
emerge as both art and chemistry?
but it is just that...
who said that women belong
in the kitchen?
i didn't say that...
nor did hell making a broth of sins...
and suddenly, what? the idea is infantile?
go with the flow, no point breaking
a sweat by imitating a ****** building a dam
to clog up the popular view of:
well, given my dreams, i'm sure as ****
scared of dying, and waking into one
of these dreams...
where in the woken-into-dream i'm
not the protagonist, but merely a cameo;
my fear of death is not that of amen obliteration,
but the idea of waking up in a dream,
and as i already said: with but a cameo role.
once again: who let these women into
the kitchen, and why is cooking stereotypically
a feminine affair?
doesn't anyone relax and loves
to see the transformation of food
like a chemist might with chemicals?
again, once more:
you can get your gender neutral pronouns,
but once you allow pro gender nouns...
i.e. a chair is a man, a table is a man
(masculine) -
a candle is a woman, a mirror is a woman
(feminine) -
oh, wait, right, english doesn't have
this grammatical dimension of things being
categorised by gender...
it only has the microscope the (i.e.
direct article) and the telescope a (indirect
article)...
point being, this isn't even my fight...
i'm quiet literally a bystander,
the english language is inorganic to me,
it has been acquired,
it's not organic enough to make a former
slave into the slapping slur rapper of exponential
slang source...
i don't know how this mutilated
elephant man of a tongue is going to survive
this "epiphany"... " " (yes, that implies
sarcasm, as perfected by the english themselves)...
i almost feel sorry for this to have
arisen, someone must have taught you
cheap native anglo...
now i get the english gender neutral noun -
but a gender neutral pronoun?
you'll have to start speaking french,
or polish, to get a gender neutral pronoun,
given that in these languages:
nouns are pro gender.
sorry;
you simply can't turn your spreschen into
hieroglyphs overnight and expect me to understand
you, with, what the current year suggests,
leaves me without a rosetta stone
to decipher the jargon that's transcendental slang;
maybe if i spotted some gender neutral
pronoun graffiti on the streets,
then, maybe;
nonetheless, once more:
this is not my fight, this language is not
an organic extension of me,
it's an inorganic implosion -
to me this language is a parasite,
and i am its host -
bo inaczej nie powiedział bym swego
pierwszego słowa: tak,
jeno inaczej - jak już powiedziałem przez
swego, krasomówczym, pasożyta.
and if my ethnicity is vermin,
guess what... this language but is a parasite
in me; the day i die, is the day
i finally rid myself of it.
Mateuš Conrad
Sep 2017
you might only grasp this sentiment, within the framework of in extremo's song melancholie.
for many night i've sat, and thought about
it: for in the night, there come several
questions, namely:
why is the moon so inconsistent with
respect to the sun,
as in: you see the sun, either with clear
sky, or with the dulling english grey
of overcast, every, single, day...
while some nights, remain devoid of sighting
a moon?
that glittering scythe of death,
and the eternal sleep?
why?
i don't want a scientific answer now,
numbed by fact,
i want the first generation fruition of
inquisitiveness, of the plague of doubt in
giving the "wrong" answer,
i want to know as to why:
each & every day we see the sun,
but not in the case the night:
to see moon also apparent as the constellations...
some night, i howled, and didn't see
a moon...
then again i did see a moon at noon
in the wintry season at noon...
****** did a quantum trick on me...
******? which brings me to language disparity...
gender *neutrality of pronouns,
does, not, exist!
i can't believe i'm currently living
in a mental asylum...
but i am! and so are you!
play the mad-man's game!
play it! pronouns do not allow "gender"
neutrality... they never will!
what's at stake is noun-genderism...
in a language, far far away:
the moon (księżyc) is male...
the sun (słońce) is, female...
pronouns are irrelevant in terms of
"gender neutrality" as if ascribing
conjunctions, articles or prepositions with
a gender bias...
you want gender "neutral" pronouns,
i want you to learn french!
go on, ******, learn french for me!
****-****-cat-fiddling-cross-dressing-junk!
learn french!
you want an assault on orthodox grammar
with your "catholicism", go on!
please understand that certain languages
have certain laws!
in polish the moon is male,
in english luna is female...
while the sun is female -
while in english it's: louis XIV...
you can't attack pronouns with gender-neutrality...
they're already gender-neutral you
****-tards!
why didn't you notice the ****** nouns?!
why?
oh wait... 'ere comes the, ******* asylum
brigade with their nag hammadi dictate...
gentlemen! applause!
you can't come around dictating
orthodoxy of a language with your
lunacy!
try the idea of:
spotting the ******* moon once upon
a night in summer... believe me:
you'll chance to live through a moonless
night!
unlike a day without the sun!
grrr.... yi ha ha ha ha!
i'm going to wake up the graeae and
tell you a fourth secret, once you take
to the crucifix being replaced by
a cannibalising cauldron!
grrr... rattles of branches shaken by
a wind, and the scuffling footprint of brushing
against fallen branches that become twings...
imbeciles! imbeciles!
english nouns do not possess
gender!
you can't call a table either a he or a she!
english doesn't have this "luxury"!
in french or in english you can
attest to the moon being a he,
and the sun being a she,
in english?!
o.k. i'm so ******* berserk in my observation
that's beyond making an
"objective" injunction:
moth on my keyboard, the trinity of
0) -_ and p -
i don't mind attacking religion,
but when it comes to grammar:
this is probably the worst attack "imaginable";
it's *******! english does not permit
gender distinction to nouns! esp. inanimate
nouns!
gender "neutral" pronouns conceptualisation
if a lunatic asylum... sorry,
but these people require a safe space,
and a strait-jacket!
you can't reconstruct the "unconscious"
foundations of a language: well,
you can, if you're north american...
english already has a "gender neutral"
medium: it has gender neutral nouns!
how can you make pronouns "gender neutral"?!
you already have a gender neutral
pronoun... it!
just like you have a "noun neutrality"
of thing!
just like you a "neutrality of pensiveness" -
nothing!
given the current year:
forest gump seems, quiet the bright fella'.
for many night i've sat, and thought about
it: for in the night, there come several
questions, namely:
why is the moon so inconsistent with
respect to the sun,
as in: you see the sun, either with clear
sky, or with the dulling english grey
of overcast, every, single, day...
while some nights, remain devoid of sighting
a moon?
that glittering scythe of death,
and the eternal sleep?
why?
i don't want a scientific answer now,
numbed by fact,
i want the first generation fruition of
inquisitiveness, of the plague of doubt in
giving the "wrong" answer,
i want to know as to why:
each & every day we see the sun,
but not in the case the night:
to see moon also apparent as the constellations...
some night, i howled, and didn't see
a moon...
then again i did see a moon at noon
in the wintry season at noon...
****** did a quantum trick on me...
******? which brings me to language disparity...
gender *neutrality of pronouns,
does, not, exist!
i can't believe i'm currently living
in a mental asylum...
but i am! and so are you!
play the mad-man's game!
play it! pronouns do not allow "gender"
neutrality... they never will!
what's at stake is noun-genderism...
in a language, far far away:
the moon (księżyc) is male...
the sun (słońce) is, female...
pronouns are irrelevant in terms of
"gender neutrality" as if ascribing
conjunctions, articles or prepositions with
a gender bias...
you want gender "neutral" pronouns,
i want you to learn french!
go on, ******, learn french for me!
****-****-cat-fiddling-cross-dressing-junk!
learn french!
you want an assault on orthodox grammar
with your "catholicism", go on!
please understand that certain languages
have certain laws!
in polish the moon is male,
in english luna is female...
while the sun is female -
while in english it's: louis XIV...
you can't attack pronouns with gender-neutrality...
they're already gender-neutral you
****-tards!
why didn't you notice the ****** nouns?!
why?
oh wait... 'ere comes the, ******* asylum
brigade with their nag hammadi dictate...
gentlemen! applause!
you can't come around dictating
orthodoxy of a language with your
lunacy!
try the idea of:
spotting the ******* moon once upon
a night in summer... believe me:
you'll chance to live through a moonless
night!
unlike a day without the sun!
grrr.... yi ha ha ha ha!
i'm going to wake up the graeae and
tell you a fourth secret, once you take
to the crucifix being replaced by
a cannibalising cauldron!
grrr... rattles of branches shaken by
a wind, and the scuffling footprint of brushing
against fallen branches that become twings...
imbeciles! imbeciles!
english nouns do not possess
gender!
you can't call a table either a he or a she!
english doesn't have this "luxury"!
in french or in english you can
attest to the moon being a he,
and the sun being a she,
in english?!
o.k. i'm so ******* berserk in my observation
that's beyond making an
"objective" injunction:
moth on my keyboard, the trinity of
0) -_ and p -
i don't mind attacking religion,
but when it comes to grammar:
this is probably the worst attack "imaginable";
it's *******! english does not permit
gender distinction to nouns! esp. inanimate
nouns!
gender "neutral" pronouns conceptualisation
if a lunatic asylum... sorry,
but these people require a safe space,
and a strait-jacket!
you can't reconstruct the "unconscious"
foundations of a language: well,
you can, if you're north american...
english already has a "gender neutral"
medium: it has gender neutral nouns!
how can you make pronouns "gender neutral"?!
you already have a gender neutral
pronoun... it!
just like you have a "noun neutrality"
of thing!
just like you a "neutrality of pensiveness" -
nothing!
given the current year:
forest gump seems, quiet the bright fella'.
Mateuš Conrad Dec 2019
יהא
Mateuš Conrad
Dec 2019
.i'm sorry, but i've looked at english grammar for far too long, to buy into the current *******... i just came from behind the iron curtain, i'm not about to go into "hiding" under a silicon curtain... valley my ***, silicon curtain, the end. gender, "neutral" pronouns? pronouns can't be "neutral", neutered... neuter via plural? they being a non-descriptive associated of both a he and a she? ****... most languages can't escape gender-inclusivity of their nouns... for example, names of cities... now you can have gender neutral nouns, i'll concede that... London: gender neutral... Paris: gender neutral... and then of course the more universal nouns in English, predicated by either a definite or an indefinite article: making gender-ascription to nouns even harder... because that's how the english language operates: something is either definite, or it's indefinite... all the continent languages, however, ascribe genders to their nouns... either masculine or feminine, or whatever... is this some sort of quasi-anglophone envy of continent languages? say, in my nativspreschen... słońce (the sun) is feminine... księżyc (the moon) is masculine... Warszawa (Warsaw) is feminine... Niemcy (Germany) is actually gender neutral, in that it refers to a people... Rosja (Russian) is feminine... Anglia (England) is feminine... there is noun-ambiguity regarding "gender" in continental languages... which the English language lacks: due to the definite / indefinite articulation via (a- -the "ism")... pronoun gender "neutrality" never existed... because... gender-appropriation of nouns was never on the cards in this language... and never will be... come on... you really don't need some foreigner to tell you the basics of your own tongue... i hate to even associate myself with such pieces as are provided in the form of the "useful idiots"... i hate it... it's like asking to fiddle about with a down syndrome competitor at a su doku olympics... it's not fair!
i only really had two loves in my life... Paris, circa 2005 and Edinburgh circa in the range of 2004 through to 2007... those really were my only true loves... London? London just grew on me, esp. the east end... i became infected with its heterogeneity, so much so, that whenever i visit my grandparents, in the most feral of lands, Poland... and peer into its homogeneity, i am fed a staggering amount of nausea... sure, once in a while you'll spot a Roma in these parts, handling cheap chinese goods at the market, but otherwise? and... given, that i'm a first generation expatriate (eh, eh? i know what the natives call their own, "elsewhere", akin to h'america or australia)...
the girlfriends? eh... two, three, more prostitutes...
whoever these middle-aged men are, talking m.g.t.o.w., after two failed marriages... i was already on my way, aged 21... sure, it was fun for the first few years... i remember the tingling sensation of holding my first girlfriend's hand while watching romeo + juliet in her father's presence... that **** was cool... it's still so vivid to me... again: slandering women is not cool... i remember these girlfriends with a fondness... i don't want the anchor of bitterness to put me in one place... fondness is all the wind in the sails you will ever need to sail along... and... em... stealing one or two kisses from prostitutes... that's all...
the last one i left? 21... she married...
she remarried...
and she ****** quiet a bit in between...
last time i visisted her out of a weird sense of obligation...
hand... slashed down their veins...
i stayed for about four days...
over a period of two nights i slept with the window
open, with my clothes on...
third night i took my clothes off...
i inquired...
she was waking up each morning with
a jug of coffee and turned into:
less a masters in anthropology...
and more the russian gamer chick...
one night she called up her
sycophants...
we smoked...
her husband wasn't home...
"then", her, "still"(?) huspand?
but her boyfriend was there...
i was sitting akimbo and talking to this guy...
and he told me how he ******:
my would be fiancé...
well... i just broke down
into the most amazing laughter...
a laughter that put me to sleep,
a laughter that made all the people leave,
and i was left with her, alone,
in a room...
she was still playing a video game...
while i got up and rolled another joint...
but the whole joke comes at the fact that:
i, i was the person who was always dumped...
ilona, promis, isabella...
they all dumped me...
but... what, a, *******, relief!
maybe that's why i came to terms
with myself, maybe that's why
drinking in ms. amber's company
is such a joyous treat...
unlike most drunks...
esp. women: i do not wallow in grief,
or for that matter... hold any grievances...
all that has happened,
has, happened, in order that i might find:
release, and in finding my release...
relief!
i had to mention these
scenarios... i remember the last words ilona
said to me: blah blah... by doing x
as you've continued to displease me...
blah blah... you'll never become a man!
true...
who the **** want's
to be an ahston court trained poodle?!
what, enough ***** to keep the economy
going?
everyone knows that women
are the crown of capitalism...
no woman, no crown, no capitalism...
it's not even socialism at this point,
or anarchy... it's... eh... m'eh?
why do only fools and horses
marry?
****, if there was a swan ontology
built into man? maybe... after all...
there is such a phenomenon
(more like a noumenon) of the widow swan,
or a widower swan...
it's as if the animal has lost its
physical union, and transitioned into
a metaphysical union, beside the body...
a realm of perpetuated memory,
awaiting transcendence...
now... i believe there's a godhead for
all things in this world...
there's the godhead of swans,
as there is the godhead of all the other creatures...
which: gushes out ontological cueues...
pointers...
after all, i already said what
my two true loves were...
Paris and Edinburgh...
i remember the first time i arrived
in Paris...
when i reached 3 Ducks hostel in Paris,
the guy in charge, was surprised,
that i managed to walk,
all the way from where the drop-off was
for people arriving from the airport
by coach, some 40+ miles from Paris itself...
i walked... i breathed... i was amazed
at the Eiffel Tower...
most people just took the underground...
plus i had a really ****** map...
didn't speak the language...
but that year... circa 2005... Paris...
that was...
something else...
or Edinburgh, circa 2004...
thank god i didn't apply
to Warwick university...
campus university *******...
Bristol? eh... the city didn't appeal
to me...
Edinburgh... that's something
else...
even Venice is more or less:
passable...
mind you... what's this current
transgender debate about men thinking they're
women, competing in women's sports?
today i saw the perfect example
of a decent woman's sport...
tennis... haleb vs. linette...
**** on me, what a match...
no. 3 seed versus no. 87 in world ranking...
i prefer women's tennis...
with male tennis its all about
the service game: "****" advantage...
but at least in woman's tennis,
you get longer rallies...
and the antithesis of what an ****** sounds
like... and all that show of legs...
it's beautiful...
beside... this "new" transgender "thing",
that **** is old...
i always confuse the two...
DDR... FDR...
Deutsche Demokratische Republik...
Federal Republic of Germany...
so, yeah... the former... DDR...
and i've heard this many times...
the same happened back then,
at the olympic games...
it's a joke now...
but women from the DDR were given hormones...
to make them more masculine...
only that... it was real chemistry
working on real biology...
women, were given male hormones...
and competed with other females...
now?
em... what if these "women",
want to compete with women...
and can do so... if given female hormones,
added with a cocktail of male hormone
blockers?!
the whole olympic circus is already
rigged with chemistry...
**** it: ***** all of them!
may the best chemist win!
**** it, jack 'em up! give each and everyone
of them the best juice!
swear to god,
all the female atheletes back in the days
of DDR were given some hormonal++ juice...
maybe a mix of amphetamines and
steroids...
so... if these "women" want to
compete with women?
shouldn't they be given...
say... the realistic dosage of hormones...
a body of a natural woman creates?!
****, in a time when a bilingual is deemed
a schizophrenic... because he's not a polyglot...
of course the trans movement was always going
to undermine women...
that's why i decided, aged 21...
no... you know what?
i don't like stress...
loved you, but thank god i left you...
Paris and Edinburgh became my two true loves...
and... given they're cities...
they are as intricate as any person might be...
so... not to be demeaning...
but a cat and mouse game...
and then being dumped...
i settled for the next best
thing... once a year... ****... once every five years...
if there's any Jack the Ripper urge "lurking"
in me...
just visit a brothel
to check your body temp. against another
body, and see if you can share the same pulse.
but as you might have already guessed,
this was the original draft:
tattooing an impermant
mark on the left arm:
h-
(e)
-a-
(lef)
-y
(od)
what yah /
יאח demands...
ה (he) + א (alef),
and ח (het) + ע (ayin) -
i.e. the tetragrammaton
squared -
laughter of the interchange. ע
p.s. i still don't
see how Adam conceived of
Abel, or Cain...
how a-lef or a-yin is a consonant,
transcendent...
given the hebrew ah is:
guised in the name kametz...
i see a story of two Adams...
and i called them,
Aleph and Ayin.
i only really had two loves in my life... Paris, circa 2005 and Edinburgh circa in the range of 2004 through to 2007... those really were my only true loves... London? London just grew on me, esp. the east end... i became infected with its heterogeneity, so much so, that whenever i visit my grandparents, in the most feral of lands, Poland... and peer into its homogeneity, i am fed a staggering amount of nausea... sure, once in a while you'll spot a Roma in these parts, handling cheap chinese goods at the market, but otherwise? and... given, that i'm a first generation expatriate (eh, eh? i know what the natives call their own, "elsewhere", akin to h'america or australia)...
the girlfriends? eh... two, three, more prostitutes...
whoever these middle-aged men are, talking m.g.t.o.w., after two failed marriages... i was already on my way, aged 21... sure, it was fun for the first few years... i remember the tingling sensation of holding my first girlfriend's hand while watching romeo + juliet in her father's presence... that **** was cool... it's still so vivid to me... again: slandering women is not cool... i remember these girlfriends with a fondness... i don't want the anchor of bitterness to put me in one place... fondness is all the wind in the sails you will ever need to sail along... and... em... stealing one or two kisses from prostitutes... that's all...
the last one i left? 21... she married...
she remarried...
and she ****** quiet a bit in between...
last time i visisted her out of a weird sense of obligation...
hand... slashed down their veins...
i stayed for about four days...
over a period of two nights i slept with the window
open, with my clothes on...
third night i took my clothes off...
i inquired...
she was waking up each morning with
a jug of coffee and turned into:
less a masters in anthropology...
and more the russian gamer chick...
one night she called up her
sycophants...
we smoked...
her husband wasn't home...
"then", her, "still"(?) huspand?
but her boyfriend was there...
i was sitting akimbo and talking to this guy...
and he told me how he ******:
my would be fiancé...
well... i just broke down
into the most amazing laughter...
a laughter that put me to sleep,
a laughter that made all the people leave,
and i was left with her, alone,
in a room...
she was still playing a video game...
while i got up and rolled another joint...
but the whole joke comes at the fact that:
i, i was the person who was always dumped...
ilona, promis, isabella...
they all dumped me...
but... what, a, *******, relief!
maybe that's why i came to terms
with myself, maybe that's why
drinking in ms. amber's company
is such a joyous treat...
unlike most drunks...
esp. women: i do not wallow in grief,
or for that matter... hold any grievances...
all that has happened,
has, happened, in order that i might find:
release, and in finding my release...
relief!
i had to mention these
scenarios... i remember the last words ilona
said to me: blah blah... by doing x
as you've continued to displease me...
blah blah... you'll never become a man!
true...
who the **** want's
to be an ahston court trained poodle?!
what, enough ***** to keep the economy
going?
everyone knows that women
are the crown of capitalism...
no woman, no crown, no capitalism...
it's not even socialism at this point,
or anarchy... it's... eh... m'eh?
why do only fools and horses
marry?
****, if there was a swan ontology
built into man? maybe... after all...
there is such a phenomenon
(more like a noumenon) of the widow swan,
or a widower swan...
it's as if the animal has lost its
physical union, and transitioned into
a metaphysical union, beside the body...
a realm of perpetuated memory,
awaiting transcendence...
now... i believe there's a godhead for
all things in this world...
there's the godhead of swans,
as there is the godhead of all the other creatures...
which: gushes out ontological cueues...
pointers...
after all, i already said what
my two true loves were...
Paris and Edinburgh...
i remember the first time i arrived
in Paris...
when i reached 3 Ducks hostel in Paris,
the guy in charge, was surprised,
that i managed to walk,
all the way from where the drop-off was
for people arriving from the airport
by coach, some 40+ miles from Paris itself...
i walked... i breathed... i was amazed
at the Eiffel Tower...
most people just took the underground...
plus i had a really ****** map...
didn't speak the language...
but that year... circa 2005... Paris...
that was...
something else...
or Edinburgh, circa 2004...
thank god i didn't apply
to Warwick university...
campus university *******...
Bristol? eh... the city didn't appeal
to me...
Edinburgh... that's something
else...
even Venice is more or less:
passable...
mind you... what's this current
transgender debate about men thinking they're
women, competing in women's sports?
today i saw the perfect example
of a decent woman's sport...
tennis... haleb vs. linette...
**** on me, what a match...
no. 3 seed versus no. 87 in world ranking...
i prefer women's tennis...
with male tennis its all about
the service game: "****" advantage...
but at least in woman's tennis,
you get longer rallies...
and the antithesis of what an ****** sounds
like... and all that show of legs...
it's beautiful...
beside... this "new" transgender "thing",
that **** is old...
i always confuse the two...
DDR... FDR...
Deutsche Demokratische Republik...
Federal Republic of Germany...
so, yeah... the former... DDR...
and i've heard this many times...
the same happened back then,
at the olympic games...
it's a joke now...
but women from the DDR were given hormones...
to make them more masculine...
only that... it was real chemistry
working on real biology...
women, were given male hormones...
and competed with other females...
now?
em... what if these "women",
want to compete with women...
and can do so... if given female hormones,
added with a cocktail of male hormone
blockers?!
the whole olympic circus is already
rigged with chemistry...
**** it: ***** all of them!
may the best chemist win!
**** it, jack 'em up! give each and everyone
of them the best juice!
swear to god,
all the female atheletes back in the days
of DDR were given some hormonal++ juice...
maybe a mix of amphetamines and
steroids...
so... if these "women" want to
compete with women?
shouldn't they be given...
say... the realistic dosage of hormones...
a body of a natural woman creates?!
****, in a time when a bilingual is deemed
a schizophrenic... because he's not a polyglot...
of course the trans movement was always going
to undermine women...
that's why i decided, aged 21...
no... you know what?
i don't like stress...
loved you, but thank god i left you...
Paris and Edinburgh became my two true loves...
and... given they're cities...
they are as intricate as any person might be...
so... not to be demeaning...
but a cat and mouse game...
and then being dumped...
i settled for the next best
thing... once a year... ****... once every five years...
if there's any Jack the Ripper urge "lurking"
in me...
just visit a brothel
to check your body temp. against another
body, and see if you can share the same pulse.
but as you might have already guessed,
this was the original draft:
tattooing an impermant
mark on the left arm:
h-
(e)
-a-
(lef)
-y
(od)
what yah /
יאח demands...
ה (he) + א (alef),
and ח (het) + ע (ayin) -
i.e. the tetragrammaton
squared -
laughter of the interchange. ע
p.s. i still don't
see how Adam conceived of
Abel, or Cain...
how a-lef or a-yin is a consonant,
transcendent...
given the hebrew ah is:
guised in the name kametz...
i see a story of two Adams...
and i called them,
Aleph and Ayin.