It's 23:45 and I'm sitting outside in the rain
It's chilly and this weather makes me want to cuddle
The lightning strikes while the thunder rumbles across my vision
Vivid flashes blind me and in the darkness followed by the bright flash I see you
I see your dark wet hair from after you showered
An auburn red that soaks into my memory
I see the navy blue boobtube dress you wore that day and I remember how amazing your neck and shoulders looked
I see your spine as I remember massaging your back in the softest most pleasurable way just so that you could be comfortable
I see your gorgeous legs draped over my lap as I remember tickling them and flirtatiously pushing your dress up a bit more each time
I see your giggly smile as I presented my hands to you and I remember how you put my hand on your hip And explored the other as if you could unlock all the secrets that lay within
I remember imagining kissing you

I remember each detail of that day just like I remember every single ******* book on my therapist's shelf because it doesn't matter how many time I call myself brave I still can't look him in the face as he helps me to dissect my morbid disgusting insecurities......

I remember how I told my friend that I fell harder for you than standards do at a new years party

I remember telling you my secret.....the one that you alone know on this earth...
What happened to that?
What happened to 'never letting me feel that way'
And I can't help but think that at the end of the day I was just a stupid ******* kid who fell for an amazingly ****** up woman....
And yes I said ****** up
And yes I said kid

I remember the stupid note I hid in your sketch book
And I ******* hope you don't find it
And at the same time I pray you do so that maybe you could fathom the pain you put me through

I remember how the abyss threatened to drag me down as I regretted not trying to kiss you

I remember thinking that I'm willing to dive into the abyss for you.....

At the end of the day I never did jump
I never needed to
Why would somebody jump if they had someone willing to push them