I sit back
And my heart is warm
Physically
Like the heater in his car.
And I cannot, though it feels so good
I cannot stand it.

If I could pick my infinity
Any moment to live forever
Moments from today would be high on the list
Because nothing turned it bitter
I would most prefer
The last hour in the almost-dark

A moment from that would be beautiful
The soft reek of dog food and dogs themselves
Watching him work with the broad head
Of a Lab under my hand
Would be wonderful.

But I know what I want most.

I want the infinity of those kisses.
His lips softer than I thought
They always are, somehow
His warmth and his
THERENESS
I want that to be for me.
And I know I can't have it, I know
He cannot
Love
Me.

But this was by mutual agreement.
I signed myself over to confusion
As did he, but
I can't
Help but feel
That I long for
More.

I sit
Lean and trembling
And I want any part of my day with him
To be forever.

I love the sweetness of the coffee
Though it was too much
Because of the smile
In his eyes
I love his understanding
Of so much
My wants and my feelings
And I know
I will not find this elsewhere
But it's like
I promised
Not to give my heart and I know
If I did he would not take it.

Though he will hold me, and kiss me and
That
Is enough.

I came up here to say another one of my silly little poems
and that's exactly what I'm going to do
except I won't only describe what i thought or what I think
I should describe exactly what I am
Before I even said a word some other things flashed through your heads
Some of them are simple facts and are easy to see
Yes, I am an overweight person and yes I am very red and no it is not a sunburn
Looking at my arms you'll notice that I do indeed have lots of freckles and I could possibly be a ginger
I do have two giant holes 1 in each ear with some metal in them, because I decided that was what I wanted to do
Possibly you thought that I don't look like a poet, instead just some bro that lost his edge
This would be my body through your eyes, and I'd pretty much agree with you
Superficially and esthetically you have determine who I am, in your head
but you would you be wrong, but possibly you could be right, but most likely you are wrong
So visually you have determined a few things about me, which has also decided if you like me or not
and it's this predisposition that makes you decide if I'm more interesting or just more annoying
but in actuality you don't even know my name yet, the most basic thing
Maybe you already knew my name, because they announced it, or we've met, but other than that you don't know me
Now that my body is out of the way, let me dig past all the social talk, and tell you what I tell my therapist, when I actually get the will to see him
I get to wake up in the morning and think "wow, I get to wake up again", telling sarcasm to yourself is kinda sad.
But it is a perfect fit when you are actually sad, or depressed, which sounds kind of extreme
sounds even worse when you throw the manic part in front of the depression; manic depression
now I sound like a crazy person, but really I just want to die, but I guess most consider that crazy
People around me find me as two sides of a coin
One is my poker face, which is a lot of fun, or myself I feel most of the time
Where I don't talk that much and I hide myself in the corner of the group; just to be in reach of people
Do I have a plan to **** myself, yet, no I do not, because I still have hope
hope that keeps the dead still alive, which I consider myself, someone that is dead,
but is still able to move around the shell that they are dead within
Now all of you random people and not so random people know, what my family and even my therapist doesn't even know.
That me, some peer of yours, you decided to identify some way because of my ears or my ginger soullessness, which I would judge the ginger too.
Would rather die than live the life that you've all help create, what a masterpiece it is.
Instead of believing these words of mine, you mistakenly think they are not proof enough
You'll ask what has happened to me
Gladly I'll be able to tell you that nothing bad has ever happened to me
my family is happy and my parents are still together and in love
I have no scars to show, other than the dumb accidents of life, or a random attack by a dog
I have no motive or reason to hate myself, but I do
and I guess that's everything I got to say
I did this to show my strength and my weakness at the same time to a whole bunch of people
Now this has warped your image of me even more, but it can't be any worse or any better
because you don't even know my name yet, and by the way my name is Michael and it's nice to meet you.