Do you remember?

Do you remember hanging out during the clinic?
We all got on the bus, heading to the clinic. K- and G- tried to make me sit next to you,
filling my seat with violins, trying to force me to sit next to you, but I resisted,
so embarrassed. I listened to my mp3player and talked to K- and G- and Sa- and J-. K- and I played punch-buggy and she got me way more times than I did. You and I  more or less ignored each other. We didn't talk for a while, until there was a break.
I don't remember how or why, but you ended up with one of my earphones,
and we were listening to my music, (thank god we like the same stuff)
and K- and G- came over and invited us to that elementary school game,
where you get in a close circle and grab hands with two people and try to untangle everyone without
un-clasping hands. I just grabbed two people's hands but K- and G- forced me to grab your hands
and I'm sure I was blushing.
Fast forward a while, 'til we were breaking again, all of us from P- High School huddled in a corner,
K- made me sit next to you, elbow to elbow, thigh to thigh. She was sitting half on my legs and you were telling me about the time that Br- ate your pizza and why you wouldn't give him any of your
Mountain Dew that you had in your backpack. You showed me the seven cans you had and the
power strip you brought to charge phones. Then you gave me a Mountain Dew and we talked,
and I was showing you the video that I always hoped no one saw me watching because of how
creepy it is, and we walked to the auditorium and
my heart was running a million miles a minute and my hands were shaking as we talked
and we sat together in the auditorium, listening to our Zune's and you were telling me about
how you had several seasons of Adventure Time on yours and then we watched
"Burning Low", the episode where Finn is going out with Flame Princess and it was so cute
but then G- ruined it by coming over and pulling out your earphone and watching the video for a few seconds. But he went away and we talked for so long and you made me laugh so loud that Ms. R-
shushed me.
Eventually we went to lunch and I didn't really eat because of my hypoglycemia and we talked forever over pizza and Mountain Dew.
Skip forward a few hours, going home on the bus, sitting side by side, singing along to songs, until we got back to the school, hanging out until our respective adults picked us up.
You and I were last, listening to my Zune, and I was standing on the feet of the piano, so we were closer
in height and I was petting your hair (the first time of what will be many) and we went outside to wait, listening to Caraphernelia as my aunt pulled up, deciding to "punish" me for not calling in time,
yelling out her car window that my "***** looked bigger." I glared and yelled that I didn't think my band-mate really needed to hear that and she laughed and I waved goodbye to you.
Not long later, Sh- called and we were talking and she said that
you said that you definitely liked me.
One of the happiest moments of my life, until then.

Do you remember?

Do you remember the day, when Sh- was messaging you,
teasing you, telling you that she knew you liked you?
I sat on the phone with her, freaking out as you replied:
"Yeah. I think I know who."
And she asked  if you liked the person who liked you
and you didn't answer for a long time,
and I was freaking out but eventually you said maybe,
that you felt a kind of connection.
And then Sh- asked who you were talking about, trying to figure out
if you were talking about me, or some other girl.
First you sent an S, then a D, and Sh- was sure you were talking about me,
but, ever insecure, I still wasn't. "It could mean Samantha Davis or something!"
I yelled at Sh-. But you kept sending letters of my name until I knew
that you knew that I liked you.
I was still scared, knowing the next day, I would have to be with you all day
at the Orchestra clinic, knowing I would be blushing non-stop.

There are two sides of me, fighting recently.

One half wants me to scream at him, "Obviously, you don't even care enough to spare time to hang out with me, maybe we should just break up."

But, I want his response to be: "I'm so sorry, it's okay, please don't leave me, I'm just busy, let's hang out as soon as you can."

The other half of me is sitting the corner, curled up in a ball, terrified that, instead, he will say "You're right; this isn't working. I'm sorry, but we need to break up."

Nothing makes me angrier
than when people tell me not to worry.
Oh! Of course! Just because you told me not to,
all of my anxiety has disappeared!
Just like that, you "fixed" me!
How many times will I have to say,
It. Doesn't. Work. Like. That.
You've never had a boyfriend before
and have a huge crush on this guy?
Don't worry! Just ask him out, of course he likes you.
(Why would he, no one ever has before,
if he likes me why won't he ask me out)
This is your first boyfriend and you've
never kissed anybody before?
Don't worry! It's easy, all you have to do
is lean up and kiss him!
(Oh god, I want to, but it doesn't work like
that, I freeze up and smile awkwardly and
the moment passes)
You haven't seen your boyfriend in two weeks
and haven't had one real conversation in that time?
Don't worry! He is just a horrible texter.
(He wasn't always, something must be wrong,
he must want to break up with me,
maybe he's too chicken to do it himself and
wants me to break up with him)

Don't worry!