I tossed out all the baggage of
guilt
regret
sorrow
despair
loneliness

At the doorstep I am leaving
gloom
misery
anguish
desolation
hopelessness

My fear was the hole my constant companions would leave.
However, now I find I have room...
to dance silly with my grandchildren
to enjoy a movie with my sons
To smile on my way to work
To sing Pop songs at the
top of my lungs. I don't
wake up crying
any longer
I don't
define
myself in you... and I never did!
You are gone.... now I have room.

If a butterfly
can flap its wings in Brazil
setting off a chain of events
leading to a storm in North Dakota...
How could I
resist the force of your
boyish grin and
hazel eyes
while
standing face to face,
nose to nose
with you?

Those with advice to give
have the luxury of
visiting the looking glass.
They can fall down the rabbit hole
8 hours a day....
Often perplexed
by the weird and the strange
the marginalized people
who make wonderland
their home.
Those - through no fault of their own
forced to live
on the fringe of society,
with the harshness of:
poverty - homelessness
discrimination of
gender
race
age
****** orientation...
What appears to the main stream
as wonderland,
A life the blind call a choice
is the cruel and heartless world
many call home.
Where the path of least resistance
offers options like
drug dealer
gang banger
prostitution
****
death...
Drugs and weapons are easy
education is a pipe dream
hunger and thirst
a constant companion.
To us
this is the norm.
And if
by the grace of God
(or whatever you consider holy)
one manages to escape
the quagmire...
to live- no matter how briefly
in Alice's side,
One can fully learn to
appreciate the meaning of
Ignorance is bliss...
Remember!
The Hatter doesn't know he's mad-
that's a label
you've imposed
and only has meaning
on your side
of the looking glass...

The perfect man for me
may look very plain to you...
However I see him as
tall, handsome, and so very intelligent.
He understands my weirdness-
how I find humor in things that really aren't so funny.
We will talk ... just talk - for hours.
He shares my intellectual curiosity -
such as wanting a working understanding of string theory.
He is strong and forceful -
not to be confused with being a bully.
He picks his battles, and understands when I pick mine.
When I over-react
he understands that is coming from a place of insecurity.
He respects that my experiences have reinforced that insecurity.
He handles it -
usually by saying "What the **** is the matter with you?"
That, for me - not necessarily any other woman,
is a conversation opener.
I know he really wants to know what is going on within me.
I know he cares enough to listen
to really hear
my pain.
He will dance,
maybe not so well but willing to give it his all.
He can laugh at the fact that he doesn't
dance so very well -  
that makes me so proud to be
the one whose feet he is stepping on.
He will love the beach, long walks, marathon NetFlicks
and my dogs, all three.
He will not be threatened by the love I have
for my sons.
He will respect that when it comes to my children-
I am a lioness.
I will protect them at all costs
while being 100% loyal to him.
He will listen to my opinion.
He will be strong enough to challenge my opinions-
He will tell me when I am wrong
and appreciate when I do the same for him.
Every night he will hold me until I fall asleep
the rhythmic breathing while he sleeps
fills me with a sense of belonging,
He will make me feel safe enough to love
and feel secure enough
to be loved.
Importantly - I will cherish
every moment with him-
and appreciate that
I am lucky enough to be
the one he loves.

This day won't end.
Minuets are hours
working with a facade
of a carefree world-
when in reality
my world has been torn asunder.
And I simply want
my pillow
and the welcoming home
of my dogs....

Trust-
that fragile bond...
once shattered into jagged pieces
scattered and frayed.
And the mending
futile
The pieces never
quite
fit...

What do you see
when you encounter me?
Do you see someone
whose lost - more far more than she has ever won?
Because my hair is different than yours
Is that your excuse, for closing all doors?
Or are you afraid because you know-
Inside this heart - your shadow grows.
The darkness you reveal
all that your pale, cold eyes cannot conceal.
The esoteric hatred
you covet and hold sacred....
for one whose only crime
accident of birth, out of luck, out of time....
What you see -
is NOT me....

Never get involved with
your divorce attorney
It may not last
 as long as the divorce proceedings-
 then you have to
look at two
"ex's"
.....AWKWARD.....