inversion (n.)

is the word for
that feeling when
the cold air sweeps underfoot
at dusk in the park
and for a moment I can imagine
the asphalt path
isn't a path
but a river
deep and eternal
carrying me forward
into the night
and up
towards the stars

The houseplant you gave me
sits next to the kitchen sink.
Which is nice cause
usually I forget to water it,
so at least it catches some peripheral spray.

It's pretty confident, that plant.
Stands tall and earnest,
reaching and growing for something more.
Just like you.

The succulents I took from your sister's wedding
sit on the dining table.
Every day I eat dinner with my parents
and study the curves and corners of each leaf
and remember the times I've spent
memorizing yours.

And sometimes I can't sleep at night
or lose my place in dinnertime chatter
because I'm worried about those plants
and if they're getting enough water
or sunlight
or fresh air
or if because one leaf is weird does that mean they're all dying???

Because, I figure,
if only I can keep those plants alive,
then I can keep you too.

what I would say to you if I never had to see you again
I was so tired
of giving you more than I was able to give
only to not just get nothing in return
but to feel my energy leaving my life
I was throwing emotional capital at you
like a desperate stockbroker
trying not to lose it all
but then the lies began
and suddenly I lost all my capital overnight

my market crashed, plummeted
except to you, I was the unintended side effect, an inconvenience
something that could be apologized to and then pushed away

don't think for one second that just because we don't talk about it anymore means I've forgiven you. I'm simply done talking.

what I say to you (since I see you every day)*
My weekend was alright. You?

she was so used
to being alone
that to be needed
was an adventure

The first snow
keeps the company of my tears
as they stop, frozen on my face
confused, concerned
as the words you are saying
don't align with the reality
I've assumed

I wait
for things to make sense
for mistakes to be unmade
for everything to change

I wait, frozen on the sidewalk
my thoughts stutter
and my heart falters
as the cold becomes within me
throughout me
bound to every fiber of my being
twisted with my sinews
climbing through my bones
dancing up my spine
and greeting my heart
with an embrace
long overdue

But this won't ever make sense
and those mistakes will never leave us
and everything's already changed

So I take my heart of ice and unsaid words
and leave
you standing there
with words half out of your mouth
and regrets already peering over your shoulder

And the tears start moving again
racing down my numb cheeks
as the sobs leave my body
they no longer leave puffs of memory in the air
as the breaths inside me
match the stillness of the molecules around me

With every broken heart
I find myself
scouring the past
searching
for some clue, sign, pattern
of failure.

Can I find a rhythm
among the voicemails
and unanswered calls?

Do the stifled tears and sobs,
collected from various midnights,
carry a tune?

Is there some kind of code
among the bruises and scars
scattered across my soul?

Is there any hope that
all the falling and failing and breaking
is their faults
and not mine?

As I lay here
in the same bed
with the same pillows
and the same pajama bottoms
as I did a year ago
and read the words you never shared with me
by the twelve am glow of my cell phone
a lot of things cross my mind.

Mostly, I miss you
and the romance we almost never sorta had
But also I'm worried
about where you're going
and where I'm headed too.
I'm afraid the future will never be
anything we ever hoped
and that it will beat us both
into a senseless death
before we even have the chance to try.

And I know
you also feel the same
which is maybe why I still get texts from you
(though I like to think it's because we truly
       have a profound connection of friendship)
and it's definitely why I bother responding
because I like to make sure
I don't have to mourn you
(or me)
just yet.