its a painful day
when you realize
all your love
has turned to resentment

love is the texture of cool whip
not the rocks you bruise me with
love is the taste of sweet honey
not making sure i think you're funny

love is a breath of fresh air - an honest cry
not revolving my life around a guy
love is a heart filled with anticipation
not constant need for validation

once we had all these good things
its strange i didn't feel them leaving
will i ever love you again?
or should i go back to freezing?

i have tried to heal myself
by burning and rebuilding
over and over and over
but
i am not  phoenix
i am a human
and when i am burned
it leaves a scar
that cannot may not ever be healed
and especially not by
ignoring its existence

i cant help but feel so rotten
when it's all in order

feeling like i deserve the
tug of war between
depression & mania

like my life isn't quite as interesting
at baseline

and it may not be
but at least i can stomach it
for what it truly is

i take a deep breath
& choke on the dirt
of the garden bed
we built last wednesday

i guess i could say that
the past few years have been
a testament to the pain that
all human beings face

but my tongue hates
the texture of gravel
and i cringe when i see
the way you look at me

thank you god
for ******* on my head
thank you for the pain
for the heartache and sadness
for the loss
for cutting me deeper & deeper & deeper

because now i know just how beautiful life can truly be
when i've showered
and smiled
and found something
and taken a rest
and tended to my wounds