I can't read that smirk
or why you made it.
I don't know this
path.

You have inches on me,
in my heart
I need stilts

The inside-lion looks in
the mirror surprised
she is a
mouse.

the force of my wishes
does not make me

a commander

misfit toys, I'll
be your soldier

made out of tin
(because lead is ill.)

if you stop trying to drop me
out of the window while you're

playing.

Or I will need to start
wearing a parachute.

pigtails, tutus, ballet flats
diet at age of six
running, skipping, jumping jacks
did she know what beauty meant?

long brown hair, pretty eyes
gym class, age of ten
stretching, push-ups, two more laps
would she learn what beauty meant?

a boy, a kiss, a little more
life at young 15
sweet talk, smiles, and lots of force
of course she knew what beauty meant

silence, hate, weakness, lies
only sweet 16
binging, purging, swears and cuts
she'd never get what beauty meant.

I opened up a Men's Health
as awkwardly as I was sitting
in that cold, dry room
filled with cheap leather chairs.

"7 Steps to Being Confident,"
Only seven, he says.
The first read, "Love Yourself."
Not a moment, I whispered Nope,
frightened by my instinct.

I'd like to see you try
I threatened, tossed back
into a memory of a failing roof.

Divorce is a landmine
that twists and tears off your leg.
You'll stand after a year,
but you'll never walk again.

It’s an endless photo album
that you can't keep closed up,
locked away in a dusty attic.

All my wars raged in a single year.
One-legged and trying to run away,
I couldn't dare love someone like that.

When everything in life gets you down,
you don't know what else to do.
You're disgusted by yourself,
you're disappointed in you.
You feel alone in this world,
like no one understands.
You're never alone,
you must take a stand.
After the tears are gone,
&The; scars are healed,
The sunshine comes out,
but you hide behind your shield.
Afraid of life, and what comes with it.
You just have to be big and take the hit.
Lifes a *****, but what a wonderful life it is.

It's four o'clock in the morning and I should be far away from this bed
in the land of dreams where anything can happen

Yet I still lay here, replaying your words in my head over and over again
and memorizing each dreadful sentence you spoke

You are a writer, and I guess that I am too
but my thoughts can't pour down onto paper half as well as yours do

Not only can you write though
heck, you can even talk

I've listened to you speak of your hopes and dreams, your past and sorrows
and to be quite honest, it didn't matter what you spoke of

Because every single word flowed out of your mouth so beautifully that I was mesmerized
even if they were words that I didn't want to hear

I... just don't think we're right for each other at this point in time.
Don't you understand? Don't you feel the same way?

Of course I understand.

I knew all along that I would never be good enough for you
a person of such beauty, such wisdom, such potential

I think you're beautiful and have so much potential for greatness but I don't think you see it.

Beautiful?
I am not beautiful

I am scared
scared of life and everything in it

I am empty
my heart feels as if it has shrunk down to nothing and I'm numb

I am unworthy
there is not another human being on this earth who could ever be satisfied with someone like me

I'm sorry.

Now, with the tears pouring down my face
I realize that I hate myself

I hate myself for never being good enough
or smart enough, or beautiful enough

But most of all
I hate myself for knowing that I deserve this

*Goodbye...

I watch in a daze as he wets his lips
whets his lips on stones.
ones that pin me down
and cause sinking feelings in my gut.
--those acrid acrylic licks
painting stains on skin
immune to detergent

‘cause I’m threadbare
and he works his way through
the lesions in my sweaters
and he knows I like to wear things out
shabby little happenings
inside a purple room
that he burst into like a lightning bolt
“Heartthrob” on a Honda 75 CB

and I’m not naive enough for love, no
sir, check that coat at the door
but there’s some supreme
cinematic fascination
inherent in his walk and talk

and I want to encapsulate what he is
and forget what he is not.