I remember exactly where I was the first time I heard you play.
I was sitting in the Violins section and humming along to my favorite part of one of my favorite songs.
And then he asked you to play a part of that song and I prepared myself for little entertainment.
You picked up that heavy bow and settled that bass into your shoulder and you played measures I had never heard before.
You played with such ease and finesse I was almost sure it wasn't real.
You stunned the room and stole my heart and all you did was play.
That was the first time I heard you play.

We were sitting in a small group of selected musicians to play for a musical and you were there too.
I had not fallen in love with you yet but I knew I would soon.
You picked up your bass and played away and everyone was amazed at how you carried a tune.
My ex was there with his trumpet in hand and no words could be said, you knocked me dead.
That was the first time he heard you play.

You picked up your electric bass and calmly moved your fingers to a groove.
You were brand new and had no idea how to make people move.
Your hands played jazz like a well oiled machine and it was then we all knew we had seen all to see.

He asked me what my favorite season was and I replied quite simply.
The season where the grass stays green and the ocean fades blue.
The season where I rest and no longer await you.

Your hand will cup mine and like winters cold kiss
you’ll hold forever and in time we dismiss…
all the ideas that the heat can melt away my sin
when I want is to revel within
your summer soaked skin and your winter eyes
I wait for you to find our compromise.
my favorite season is the one where the trees fall green and you and i are lost between.
The leaves that breathe new life to the day,
and oh of course your tender way.
You love the cold and that bone chilling flavor
and you love the way youll have me now and later.
But I love the south in all its glory
burning heat in the summer pulling sheets in the morning
I can feel seasons changing and I run from the air
I want to feel life that I do not feel there
You ask my favorite season and its the one where I melt
it is the season you let me undo your black belt.
I loved your skin in the winter so cold
but I love the way radiate the heat so bold
Ask me my favorite season and it’ll be you for all of these reasons.

It is early and chilly and the wind is blowing nicely. The coldest it has been in a while.
I am downstairs and I can hear the heavy weighted foot steps of my love above me.
How beautiful to know that above me his exhausted body is waltzing around preparing for a day of cool air and love.

My doctor told me to find a more healthy way to release my stress.
She said that taking two hours to fall asleep every night was rather unhealthy.
So, she told me to come home and to write about the things that relax me.
Here we are.

Every day a thousand things run through my mind. I can't breathe because school sits on my shoulders. My job crushes me slowly and my family physically causes me pain. But through so many foggy images I can see you through them all.
I can reach out and almost touch you even when I am alone in my room and I cannot get up because the panic has literally crushed me.
You are there in the simplest way.
The few moments in my life when I think the only way out is to let the weight of the world crush me entirely I can feel you.
The times that everything is in pieces and I am vulnerable and on the floor of my bedroom sobbing, you happen to walk in.
You physically pick me up and you carry me to safety.
A bath and you will bathe me and you will hold me and I will collapse and you will support me.
You carry me to my bed and put on a vinyl and a candle and you clean my room because it being ***** stresses me out.
You turn the lights off and the fans on and you consume me in your warmth.
You kiss the demons away and you strip off the suffocating clothing on me.
You make love to me and you wipe away terrible tears and you drench me in your love.
The seconds become minutes and minutes are now hours and you spend what is almost days with me in my bed wrapping your body around mine.
I cannot breathe still but now it is the best kind of breathlessness. The kind that happens when you see heaven in the eyes of a human and your life is paused while you try to remember how it all happened.
I am crushed still but now with the weight of your love.
But there is no pain. None. Only the most beautiful feeling my small body has ever felt.
And in the moments of bedroom bliss I am free. I am free of those things that eat at me and those thoughts that stress me to tears.
With you I am free.

that you could have done...
I did not expect you to return my call.
I did not expect you to follow through and show up with a nice girl ready to enjoy the night.
I did not expect you to stride through in confidence and introduce yourself to anyone.
I did not expect you to head to the keg and pour yourself a beer and claim a spot on the patio.
I did not expect you to stand next to me and make great conversation while I smoked and laughed with my friends.
You did so many things in one night that I never thought you would ever even acknowledge.
You played beer pong and I got high and you didn't mind because you too were quite buzzed. You let me stand next to you and you even made me laugh.
Of all the things I expected you to do, I did not expect you to be a new man at 2 am on a saturday night with my friends and good beer and good ****.

I hope you can forgive me.
I never meant to keep your shirts and wear them so casually. You thought I wore them with so little care. I didn't care that much.
I hope you can forgive me.
Your hat was just something I wore to keep these curls and the sun away from my face. You hated how that hat was such a simple luxury I never appreciated.
I hope you can forgive me.
You hated my nonchalant attitude towards all the things you thought were so important. I dismissed your discussions of music and life and I hope you can forgive me.
If I had let you see the way those shirts hugged my body with reminders of the summer nights with you I would have felt so weak. So weak if I had let you know that your hat was a sweet gesture to me of how you used to shield me from all the bad things in the world. I couldn't let you see me weak. I couldn't let you know I cared. I hope you can forgive me.

I don't want more. I don't need more. I can't ask from anymore from you. No more attention and no more time. I don't want more.
I don't want less. I don't need less space between us. I don't need less distance between us. I don't want less.
I am fine right here. A safe distance from you. I can't hear you speak and I can't feel you radiating. I can't talk to you and I can't touch you. I can't imagine the way you spill truths onto me and the way you can cover me with lies. You cover me so well I'm sure.
I am here at a safe distance where I can only think of the ways I would love to love you again. So new but so similar. So unafraid and bold. I am afraid of how fearless I am with you.
This is why I am fine right here. So far from you but wanting to be closer.
I will lie to myself about this space I say I am okay with. I don't want more of you and less of life. More of your words touching my skin and less of this clothing.
More moonlight dancing through fingers and less moonlight dancing through us.
I don't want more. I don't need less.
But I am sure that every lie that spills from my mouth is soon to be covered up.