I'm sad.
Sad that all that will be left is a title on a slab of gray rock in a fenced meadow.
Sad that you won't be here to see me walk across that stage in June.
Sad that I'll talk about you in past tense, not present tense.
Sad that my tears won't be wiped away by your gentle aging hands.
Sad that I couldn't take away your pain and make it better.

I'm grateful.
Grateful for your love and support.
Grateful for the wise words and no nonsense attitude.
Grateful for every word, laugh, smile, and letter.
Grateful for the memories, hugs, and homemade meal.
Grateful for the card games played in that awful hospital room.
Grateful for the time we've had together.

I've disappeared again to rethink the words I've said.
Honesty is everything to you and me.
Honesty is all I've tried to give.

Are you sure you want me around?
Are you sure you want me around?

What if I mess it up again?
What if I go and make it worse than it was back then?

Can you love me like you did before?
Can you love me like you did before?

You asked for honesty and I gave you nothing but the truth.
Words falling from my mouth, landing in a pile at your feet.
Mercy. Have mercy on my soul.
I asked for forgiveness and all I saw was your hand reaching for your keys.
The door shut with barely a sound, and I felt the world stop and freeze.
Mercy. Have mercy on my soul.
I know I made a deal with the Devil, and heaven knows I ate the forbidden fruit.
I'm on the edge with the pills in my right hand and Jack Daniels in my left.
Devil hold my hand while I tumble over it.

I woke up today and I could feel something shift inside me. Something not unlike a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Looking in the mirror, there's a glow to my face; something that hasn't been there in a long time. Scars on my wrist don't stand out as much. My freckles don't stand so stark against my skin. And my body. The sadness and anger had been eating at me; from the inside out. The fragile girl that used to look back at me in the mirror is gone. But I'm not happy. No, I'm still a ways away from being happy. I'm getting there, day by day. And one day, I'll wake up and genuinely be happy. But that day is not today.

And all I could hear was my beating heart; striking a steady tattoo in my chest.
And for a minute, between the slight pauses in the music, I could feel you lifting me up as I dipped and spun across the stage.
Despite the crowd before me and despite all who were dancing with me, I could only see you.
And in the moment, everything in me focused on you and the love and support you brought with you.

You've supported me in everything I've done, even if some of it was done on a whim.
The love that you show and give and share is more than I could even think of. And to be the person on the other side of that love, that truly is a blessing. And a blessing I'm grateful for every single day.

I relapsed tonight with binging and purging.

Tracing fingers over my skin, I searched for the parts I didn't like.

I worked myself into a state of self loathing.

Hating every inch of cellulite, every stretch mark, my stomach, and my thick thighs.

Feeling disgusted with my image, I forced myself to purge, looking for a way to get rid of the feelings.

Afterwards, I cried because I was embarrassed and ashamed, but mostly disappointed in myself.

I was disappointed because I had been working on this and was doing so well and this felt like a major set back.

I'm ashamed and embarrassed to even tell you because I hate it when you're disappointed in me.

I guess I hoped to get a friendly word from you.
Anything. Maybe even a " happy birthday" from you.

Nothing. Not a sound or a word.

Anything from you would've made my day. Coming from you, anything would've meant everything and more.

I wish you'd talk to me now and then.

Wish we could exchange friendly words and everything would be alright..

You said you loved me more than anything.
Foolish, I smiled and believed you.
Stupid girl, what have you done to yourself?
I fell in love with someone I thought had changed.
He led me to believe he was a changed man.
You made me laugh and smile, even though I was in pain,
Silly girl, he didn't love you.
He never really loved you in the first place.
Pretty words, all wrapped up in lovely packaging.
Darling, just walk away.
If you stay, you'll only end up getting hurt.
Beautiful girl, you deserve better.

Skinny love; made of cracked stardust and empty words.
Love, give it up; he's not coming home and he don't love you so.
Oh, you found yourself in someone else.
Beautiful boy with the warm smile.
You loved him with all you had and more.
Love, give it up, he ain't coming home and he don't love you so.

We were just having fun.
Two kids running around together, holding hands and kissing.
Under the bridge, I let you turn my blood to fire.
Your lips on mine, my hands tangled in your shirt.
We don't know what to call this, but I like whatever this is.
We kinda just fell together and your hands were in my hair and the rest was a blur.
But I can't get you out of my head.
Don't know what it is about you, but something about you pulls me in.
Reaching for another kiss and another chance to run my hands through your hair.

amongst the rain and the wet moss surrounding the concrete,
daffodils push through the cement and the cracks in the sidewalk.
Ever since I left the big city, bits of spring pop through.
Little reminders of why I should stay and not go back to the lights.

spring came again, and I find myself wondering how time flies by so fast.
just yesterday it feels like I was holding your hand, and reveling in the time we had left together.
and now, I am left to once again pick up the pieces from the aftermath of a tragedy, one that I couldn't prevent.
losing you was the hardest hit I've taken in years, and it's the one thing that I will never fully recover from.
I don't regret a single moment I spent with you, because those memories are precious and I don't want to forget them.
I spent months being angry and bottling up my feelings because I couldn't comprehend losing you at such a fragile time.
when you said you were ready to go, I couldn't understand the words you were saying.
and it's been almost a year, and I've tried to be patient with myself, just like you advised me to do.
and the sun peeks out every now and then, and I am reminded of how very lucky I was to have you.
Oh how I wish you were here; I think you'd like the way the sun lights up the trees.
Happy spring, you wonderful soul; till we meet again.

Summer's coming to an end, and fall's soon to set in.
The morning has a chill in the air, and you can see your breath.
You'd like it here, more so than anywhere else.
The cold cement and the corners of the buildings are a lovely mix.
You can still be part of the crowd, yet be distanced at the same time.
And I, will hold my breath until my life ceases to be known.
I've had months to learn how to stand on my own.
People gave me a free pass, hell, I gave myself a free pass.
so cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it, or at least i think that's the saying.
Or cowboy up, and quit your cryin and complainin and get back on the horse that threw ya and keep going.
Ain't nobody going to hold your hand forever, and ya gotta stand on your own.

My mind goes in circles at night.
My heart just tries to keep up.
There's a certain odd feeling.
One that I can't quite figure out.

Its interesting to walk in here.
To see walls that I used to know.
To hear voices I used to remember.

Everything is different and quiet.
Feels like I'm not home anymore.
Like I'm just a stranger.
A stranger you invited in your home.

I've never had the strength to look past your mistakes and give you the space for improvement and growth.
I'ma be walking across that stage in  few months and I want you there.
I want you in my life right now .
Please don't make me regret trusting you and believing in you again.

Take a moment, now.
Imagine you are the largest tree in the world’s tiniest forest.
You are out of place, but undeniably recognizable.
I want to ask you this: are the other trees too small or are you too large?
Do you live to their standards or your own?
Do you want to blend into that perfect little forest or do you want everyone to recognize you and know you for being the biggest and grandest tree?
If you feel happiest as a small tree, then you’re happiest as a small tree.
But if you’re happier as a big tree, then be a big tree.
Don’t conform for the sake of conformity.
Do what you want, be who you want.
I’ve had a difficult time lately figuring out where I belong again.
And I realized I’m a giant oak tree in a forest full of tiny citrus ones.
I don’t belong in this forest, but man do I stand out.
My existence in that forest is making a ****** statement and I swear the world will remember me.

Take this heart, I don't want it anymore.

And take this love, keep it safe for me.

And take this ring, forever don't mean a thing anymore.

I wish I could be ok with everything, but how the **** am I supposed to deal with losing you?

To the office of the government
To whom it may concern
I'm writing to request clemency (Clemency)
From fears who has I
To me as a butterfly
And so must go outdoors
And yet there's blood on his hands
But so with mine and yours
For every child of poverty
Who never stood a chance
For each who who said go with me
And each who who took his hand
For each who had bad counsel
And still they took the stand
For every deed of woman
And every deed of man
-Terrifying Sight, by Ani DiFranco

It's been almost a year since I heard the news that you were gone.
Almost 12 months since I heard your voice and held your aging hands in mine.
And it's coming up on thanksgiving and a sudden thought struck me while I was in bed.
This is my first thanksgiving without you.
This is my first time celebrating what I'm thankful for without you.
And these tears are both sad and thankful tears.
I'm sad that you're not here to be with me and I'm thankful for the many years we had together.
I'm thankful for Sunday afternoons spent laughing and making various foods.
I'm thankful for wise words and empathetic energy from you.
And I miss you.
Every **** day.
It doesn't get any easier or better.

This is the last time I put my thoughts down on paper.
The last time I'll be honest about how I'm doing.
If you saw me now, you'd never want me around again.
Trust me, I'm far from where I used to be.
But I carved fresh pain on my wrists again.
And I started to hate the girl in the mirror.
But your words slipped into my head and reminded me that I am stronger than I think.
I have more courage and strength than I sometimes know.
So thank you for believing in me and having faith.
For not giving up on me.
Your words helped me walk away from a path I never want to go down again.

Real sick of where I come from and the past that follows me like an unwanted shadow.
I know I made some bad decisions and a whole lot of mistakes.
And I said things that I wish I could take back.
And I'll be ****** if I don't do my best to wipe the slate clean.
I lost the better half of me months ago and buried myself alive with guilt, shame and sorrow.
I spent the first three months climbing out.
I spent the last four months writing down everything that happened and all that made up the two of us.
And I pushed away and tugged back at my conflicting emotions and feelings for seven months.
I screamed at the sky, at some higher energy, to put it all back together.
I'll spend the rest of my life trying to find a way to put it back together.
And if it kills me, I'll die happy with the last words from you were "I love you "
That would be enough.

The angel lost her grace,
As mascara ran down her face.
She forgot love, remembered hate.
She no longer had her faith.

With tear stained cheeks,
Through bloodshot eyes,
She saw only pain and suffer.
Love, she couldn't conquer.

As the blue sky faded to black,
Darkness filled her heart.
Her wings vanished from her back,
And her kindness fell apart.

Even with all her might,
Her dress still went black from white.
She was sent to save,
To help those who weren't brave.

But as she looked around,
At the marks she left...
Tear stained cheeks,
And bloodshot eyes.

Sorry it took me so long to say hello back to you//I was caught up in my head//I ignored you for so long because I didn't want to admit that I could see you//I spent years and years trying to formulate words to make up for the time we lost//But I swear I still believe in you//I'm trying to find that child I used to be a part of//Who taught me how to believe in myself//Fingers crossed that she still believes that I'll still come back for her//Darlin, I'm coming//

complicated words tumbled out of your mouth.
words strung together hastily, tripping over themselves.
you grasped my hands, trying to convince me to stay.
my fingers slipped out as I made to walk away.

I didn’t want you; just liked the thought of someone.
I didn’t need you; you were just an anchor so I didn’t drown.

I didn’t want you; just liked the idea of you.

you. taught me to be afraid.
we. we were two separate people.
i. lived in your shadow constantly.

forgiveness. something i cannot give.
closure. what closure is there to have?
i cannot give what there is none of.

you. taught me the world is cruel.
i. believed that your words were true.
a false sense of trust you embedded.

i tripped over your words all the time.
and you stood by and watched me.
watched as i made a fool of myself.

you laughed when i was sobbing.
told me that i would never be enough.
convinced me i was nothing at all.

you. my shadow, my worst critic.
we. there is no you without me.

you are me.

we are the same.

You threw words and feelings at her and she tossed out sharp retorts and anger right back at you. You both knew that this was the last time that she was gonna get to see you.

Did you know that she went home that night and cried herself to sleep? Did you know that she wanted to tell you that she didn’t mean it?

And now that girl’s gone, long gone. You missed a chance to tell her that you’re sorry, too. She’s gone; she left as soon as your words left your mouth.

She woke up the next morning and noticed a hole in her heart;sitting up, she thought about the world without you. You sat at the kitchen counter and tried to erase the hurt look on her face.

Did you know that she went home that night and cried herself to sleep? Did you know that she wanted to tell you that she didn’t mean it? And now that girl’s gone, long gone. You missed a chance to tell her that you’re sorry, too.

She’s gone; she disappeared as soon as you burned that bridge. You know, she loved you so much that she worked really hard at keeping it alive, even if it was already dying.

Did you know that she went home that night and cried herself to sleep? Did you know that she wanted to tell you that she didn’t mean it? And now that girl’s gone, long gone. You missed a chance to tell her that you’re sorry.

Counting down the minutes. But the minutes turn into hours. Time's spinning backwards. What have I done? I didn't mean to push that button, it was so inviting though. I look at my hands and they're covered with multiple equations; various numbers and variables that I can't understand. They told me I'd understand when it was time. Time. Time is something I do not have. Time. Minutes and seconds and hours. Numbers. But these numbers work against me. I push and push to no avail. I'm stuck in a clock, watch everyone I love die in front of me.
Looking down on the chaos, I realize something.
I had the answer all along.
That button. That button I pushed. I should've pushed it twice.
Time. Something that once again thwarted me.
Time. Something I'm going to work for the rest of my life to get back.

Give me a year to heal and get back to myself.
Time is what we need right now.
I hope you're doing okay.
You asked for the space and time to heal.
I'll give you that and more.
So take care of yourself.

I don't have an answer to the question you're asking.
I don't have a clue as to what my heart wants.
But for some ******* reason, it can't forget you.
Oh sure, I've been doing my best to change its mind, but my best isn't good enough.
Don't get me wrong, it wouldn't be a bad thing if we ended up together.
But I'm not too sure that that's what you want.
It's up to you my dear.
The call is yours to make.
I'll be fine with whatever you decide.
But just don't forget that life is too short to not enjoy what you have.
Time isn't eternal, so don't spend it up trying to make up your mind.

Hey there mister tin man, could you make time for a shattered heart? I've been looking to trade mine for armor like yours. Word on the street is that you've been looking for a heart. Trust me darlin, I promise you that you don't want a heart. You say that you just want love. You ain't missing nothing, because love is so **** hard. You can take mine if ya want it; it's in pieces now. I'm glad we talked this out. If you don't mind the scars, you give me your armor, you can have my heart.

Fresh pain carved on pale wrists.

Shadows under green eyes

Tiredness shouts from her face.

             tired of caring
             tired of loving
             tired of believing
             tired of fighting to live

She's too worn out to dry her tears.

To grab the hand that is extended out.

Love is a funny thing. The things we do for love. The actions we take for who we love. The things we say; all in the name of love.

I thought what I was doing was because I was in love with you. Never occurred to me that I was going about it the wrong way. Or that you were content to just be on your own.

I tell myself that time will work things out. Everyone says that.

But when does time turn into too much time?

When do you realize that while you were making up your mind, she reached the point where she couldn't wait around anymore and suddenly you've lost her all over again?

to the boy who loved me for years.
hey you. been a minute since i spoke to your ghost. since i trailed my fingers across my skin, pretending it was you. since I played June on my record player. your smile plays in my head. eyes smiling at me from across the room. you loved me with all you had. and honey we loved fiercely and desperately. i know it was hard for you. hard for me and hard for us. we did our best. heaven knows i still love you. we did all we could. and at some point, we had to step back. you're lovely. you're compassionate and you love fiercely without hesitation. this is on me. i did this. i wrecked us. I'm sorry. god knows how I long to call you mine again. come back. run your fingers down my spine. tell me your deepest longings.

i walked down the city sidewalk.
amidst the bustle of the cold morning.
those tracks seem so inviting to me.
a bed where I can sleep yet not wake.

i must confess; i almost gave in to it.
almost laid my body on the cold metal.
who would miss me if i never woke?
surely nobody would really care.

forgive me if i've caused you pain.
i'm not sure if love is made for me.

those tracks look so inviting to me.
a place to finally rest and not wake.

Dear Myles,
It's finally sunny and warm here! I'm loving this good weather. I'm a lot happier and my anxiety and stress levels have stayed pretty low, which is great for me. While the weather is great, I wish you were here. I think you would love the beauty and life that is thriving. Some days, I can hardly breathe and others, I can get through the day with a smile on my face. Sure do miss you. I miss you everyday.
It's been a little over two years, but the pain and weight of missing you hasn't gone away. It doesn't hurt so much, and the weight pressing on my heart and chest has lifted significantly.
I've accepted that you're gone and that you're not coming back. I'm working on moving on with my life. I don't see you so much in everywhere I go, and our conversations don't happen very often, and I'm learning to be okay with that.
I replaced the flowers on your grave with some pretty stones that I found on the beach. Flowers are temporary whilst stones are eternal. Besides, I think you'll like them much more.
Also, I totally kicked *** with Kai last night on our solo for the choir concert last night.

All my love,
Sammy

I swore that I'd moved on when I was crying on my best friend's dad's shoulder that night. Tears running down my face, I said that I was happy with someone else. I told her dad that I didn't care if he showed up. Sometimes I hate this traitorous heart that beats under my skin. Messing with my head, it says that I'll never be happy with anyone else ever again.
Oh how I'd **** to stand in front of him and say honestly that I'm ok and happy with someone else. But I saw him that night and my world turned upside down. But nothing will ever change anything between us.

Wouldn't be too surprised to hear you've burned my memory.
Well baby, I've been way busy kissing someone else's lips.
Hey, is that shock I see on your face?
Didn't think I'd move on and actually be happy with another?
Oh honey, please, you've got to be for real.
Yeah I've been way busy turning my blood to fire with a new guy.
Don't be too jealous, please spare me your emotional train wreck.
They say I look good on him and he looks good on me.
Sorry not sorry that I'm having a good time without ya.
Yeah I've been way busy getting over your sorry ***.

Twelve centimeters.

The space between us.

Soft, caressing, loving.

Your hands running up and down my bare spine.

Passionate, searching, intoxicating.

Your lips on mine.

You kiss me like you're searching for the raw passion buried inside of me.

Trailing kisses down my stomach, up and around my neck, gentle as ever.

Your fingers fit in mine and everything falls into place.

But nights like these never last forever.

And when the sun comes up the next day, I have to let go.

Say goodbye to the eyes that gazed so deep into mine as if searching for that endless flow of goodness and love.

Allow my fingers to slip out of the hands that traced passion on my skin.

Give myself permission to run my fingers over my lips, remembering how you ignited my very core with every kiss.

To stand still in front of you and run my hands up and over your body, burning the memory of how your skin felt against mine.

To do nothing while tears slipped down my face and I watched everything in my world fall away.

Dare to dream in a world that is for success to be defined by levels and ranking and age, gender, city limits and unnecessary paperwork.

I remember when it was easy to talk to you.
when I wasn’t scared to tell you I needed you.
but sometimes I wonder why it’s different now.
why you’re so adamant on being strangers.
I’m not sorry for those years we loved each other.
I’m not sorry for forcing the distance with us.

two strangers who used to be in love.
and it’s coming on three years since I left us.
three years of healing and grief and growth.
and I don’t feel like I’m the same person now.

difference between you and me is stark.
you’ll run if I’m in trouble, that’s obvious here.
but I’ll always be here for when you need me.
old habits may die hard but I call it honesty.
because while you’ve been doing your thing.
I’ve been clearing the air with a man who’s gone.

years fly by and I relish it as time goes by.
we loved each other, everyone knows that.
but I never tarnished your good name.
and at the end of the day, I can’t hate you.
I won’t ruin my checkered history with you.

I’ll keep the good memories to myself.
the rest is, I guess you could say is history.
I sleep fine at night, knowing I was honest.
but darling, can you say the same thing yourself?

i. forgot how to breathe.

my head. is so ******* full.

this. is just so complicated.

life. i don't know how to live.

sometimes i wonder.
what would it be like to truly be alone.
would i hate myself all the time?
would i feel super lonely?

and then i remember u holding me.
telling me how much you love me.
and i wonder, maybe u deserve so much more than what i have.

I couldn't sleep last night.
My thoughts were running rampant and wild.

I laid awake, trying to shut my heart off, knowing I'll never really get us out of my head.

Love, I'll never stop loving you.
You could mess up a million times and I'll always forgive you.

Love, you could tell me I'm worthless and I'll love you anyways.
I don't care what people say.

Love, this is me fighting to keep you around.
Because if I'm being honest, life ain't the same without you.

A lot has happened in the last 24 or so hours.

Due to some personal problems, I may be deleting this poetry account.

That being said, I don't feel worthy of anyone's time.

So maybe a break from writing my thoughts is a good idea.

I'm sorry. For the truth I'm to tell.
Please. This is hard for me to say.
But. I looked at my life tonight.
I couldn't find the goodness inside.

I carved fresh pain on my skin again.
Looking for some sort of release.
Searching for some sort of relief.
Not sure if life's worth fighting for.

You're probably disappointed in me.
Angry even.
I can't feel anything right now.
You could strike me and I'd take it.

I called the hotline tonight.
The waitlist was too long.
Instead of waiting, I relapsed.
Ashamed, I'd rather hide my despair.

I'm not sure if I can do this.
I hurt. Everywhere ripples with hurt.

“most importantly love
like it's the only thing you know
at the end of the day
all this means nothing
this page
where you're sitting
your degree
your job
your money
nothing even matters
except love and human connection
who you loved
and how deeply you loved them
how you touched the people around you
and how much you gave them”

― Rupi Kaur