I remember when it was easy to talk to you.
when I wasn’t scared to tell you I needed you.
but sometimes I wonder why it’s different now.
why you’re so adamant on being strangers.
I’m not sorry for those years we loved each other.
I’m not sorry for forcing the distance with us.

two strangers who used to be in love.
and it’s coming on three years since I left us.
three years of healing and grief and growth.
and I don’t feel like I’m the same person now.

difference between you and me is stark.
you’ll run if I’m in trouble, that’s obvious here.
but I’ll always be here for when you need me.
old habits may die hard but I call it honesty.
because while you’ve been doing your thing.
I’ve been clearing the air with a man who’s gone.

years fly by and I relish it as time goes by.
we loved each other, everyone knows that.
but I never tarnished your good name.
and at the end of the day, I can’t hate you.
I won’t ruin my checkered history with you.

I’ll keep the good memories to myself.
the rest is, I guess you could say is history.
I sleep fine at night, knowing I was honest.
but darling, can you say the same thing yourself?

I couldn't sleep last night.
My thoughts were running rampant and wild.

I laid awake, trying to shut my heart off, knowing I'll never really get us out of my head.

Love, I'll never stop loving you.
You could mess up a million times and I'll always forgive you.

Love, you could tell me I'm worthless and I'll love you anyways.
I don't care what people say.

Love, this is me fighting to keep you around.
Because if I'm being honest, life ain't the same without you.

I'm sorry. For the truth I'm to tell.
Please. This is hard for me to say.
But. I looked at my life tonight.
I couldn't find the goodness inside.

I carved fresh pain on my skin again.
Looking for some sort of release.
Searching for some sort of relief.
Not sure if life's worth fighting for.

You're probably disappointed in me.
Angry even.
I can't feel anything right now.
You could strike me and I'd take it.

I called the hotline tonight.
The waitlist was too long.
Instead of waiting, I relapsed.
Ashamed, I'd rather hide my despair.

I'm not sure if I can do this.
I hurt. Everywhere ripples with hurt.

Based on my history, based on my past.
I haven't been the best for you.
And it's been years since I've seen you.
Years since I've heard your voice.

You of all should know I'm not enough.
And I'm done crying over you.
Wasting sleep over us.

I need someone to talk to me.
But it's just the silence and glittering city.
I wrote a letter to you and I put it in the mail today.
Maybe you'll write back to me and tell me how you're doing.
But how do I reach you when you're up there above all else?
Can't you bend the rules for me and send me a letter from the stars?
Come on, come back to me. I've got a lot to tell you. And a lot to show you.

I'm not looking for you to tell me that I have value as a person. I already know that. I'm not looking for someone to tell me that I'm strong and that I can beat the odds. I already know that. Honey I'm just looking for someone to remind me of all the good inside of me. Remind me of the kindness and thoughtfulness and beauty and strength I have in my core. I ain't looking for validation from an outside source.

Voicemail. You left a voicemail. No card. Nothing. You didn't even try to call again to see if I could answer the phone.

How can you live like that? You're my mother. I wanted to hear your voice on my birthday and all I got was a voicemail.

Three years we haven't talked, and I'm not sure I want to break that now.

I guess I'm not surprised you haven't changed at all.

Less than five weeks to go.
Less than five weeks of feeling you stretch and grow in the limited space of my womb.
I can’t wait. I can’t wait to meet you.
Can’t wait for the nights where all you want is me. Can’t wait for the mornings where I’m exhausted from being up all night, but content with baby snuggles.
you were the surprise we didn’t expect, but embraced with open minds and open hearts.
Mom is feeling so tired with the limited mobility she has,  but feeling you move has me filled with gratitude.
I wonder if you’ll look like your daddy and have my attitude.
I wonder if you’ll hate shoes as much as I did as a kid.
Oh the possibilities are endless, but so fun to imagine who you’ll turn out to be when you arrive.

Let it go. Really. Actually let it go and walk away. If you keep holding on when there's nothing left to hold on to, you'll only hurt yourself in the end.

Can you feel that? That's the feeling of my heart beating in my chest.
That's the sound of a little girl's heart trying desperately to stay whole.
And no, she's not trying to stabilize her breathing, she's fighting for air.

Ask anyone and they'll say that he was the reason she kept living.
They'll create this big narrative, painting him as the savior.
Leaving me in the shadows of the heroic deed this man has done.

I was the one who helped her fight for her life.
not him. that was me.
It was my hands that held hers and it was my voice that begged her to live.

He'll claim that he convinced her to live for it wasn't her time.
Persuasion comes in the form of hazel eyes, a warm face and smooth vocals.
But. so do lies.
and he lied.

Because that little girl was and is me.
we are the same.
while she was hiding from pain under a table, I was there right beside her.
we are the same.

and when voices rose in pitch and fingers pointed blame at us, I held her hand.
holding my breath alongside her while trying to listen in to the argument.

we are the same.
we are the same.

What I learned in life is,
That no matter how good a person is,
sometimes they can hurt you & because of this we must forgive.
It takes years to build trust and only seconds to destroy it ..
We don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change..
The circumstances and the environment influence on our lives,
but we are the one who responsible for ourselves..
That you have to control your acts or they will control you..
That patience requires much practice.. that there are people who love us,
but simply don’t know how to show it..
That sometimes the person you think will hurt you and make you fall..
Is instead one of the few who will help you to get up..
You should never tell a child that dreams are fake, it would be a tragedy if they knew..
It’s not always enough to be forgiven by someone,
in most cases you have to forgive yourself first..
That no matter in how many pieces your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop to fix it ..
May be God wants us to meet all the wrong people first before meeting the right one..
So when we finally meet the right one we are grateful for that gift ..
When the door of happiness closes, another door opens..
but often we look so long at the closed one.. we don’t see what was open for us ..
The best kind of a friend is the kind in which you can sit on a porch and walk…
Without saying a word & when you leave it feels it was the best conversation you ever had.
It’s true we don’t know what we have until we find it, but its also true,
we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives..
It only takes a minute to offend someone, an hour to like someone,
a day to love someone, but it takes a life time to forget someone.
Don’t look for appearances, they can be deceiving, don’t go for wealth even that can fade,
Find someone who makes you smile, because it only takes a smile to make a day better,
find what makes your heart smile..
There are moments in life when you miss someone so much..
that you wish you can take them out of your dream and hug them for real..
Dream what you want, go wherever you want to go.. because you have only one life..
and one change to do the things you want to do ..
The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything,
they just make the best of everything that comes their way.
The best future is based on the forgotten past..
You can’t go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Ya know, if you know me as well as you say you do, you would know that fresh pain and sadness has been etched on my wrists. You would know that I'm hating myself and hating the way I look. You would've heard the fake smile in every message sent back and forth between us.

only a few days since your birthday passed, the second one I’ve celebrated without you here.
it’s strange, uncharted ground for me to navigate without you standing beside me.
missing you doesn’t get any easier, but it doesn’t get harder, either.
almost like I’ve somehow gathered the strength to stand on my own without feeling like I’ll crumple without help.
my daughter has your smile, and her eyes crinkle the same way yours does.
I pray that she has the same grace as you, and that her kindness and compassion mirrors yours.
I promise she’ll get to know you the same way I did.
she makes me want to live, not just survive.
the same thing you had begged me to do, when your impending passing threatened to destroy every last piece of will I had in my body.
i made it, after two years of rebuilding myself, and not running scared of the strength and solidity I found within.
thank you, for igniting that spark, and for all the years I got to learn how to be balanced and kind.

I've spent my life looking for the best version of myself in the novels that sit on my bookshelf.
I don't know what exactly I'm hoping to find, maybe a beginner's guide to healing.
Broken. A mess. Traumatized. Sad.
Those are all true.
Strong. Brave. Passionate. Kind.
Those are all true.
Healing is a weird process for myself in particular.
When I began, I guess I thought it would be a quick thing; everything made better by sunrise.
And here I am, years later, and not a whole lot has changed.
I still find parts about myself that I despise.
I still am fighting for a balance with my eating disorder.
And every day, I have to remind myself that every day is a new day; a clean slate.
My fight isn't over yet.
My story isn't what most expect it to be.
I don't glorify the healing process.
**** gets hard for me.
It's still so hard to get up in the morning and eat something healthy.
I have to remind myself that I am strong and good enough every day.
I have to look in that mirror and tell myself "you're ******* worth it"
And I am ******* worth it.

You make me glow with the love you show me.
You put a smile on my face and you say it brightens your day.
It's so easy with you.
It's like breathing; simple as that.
I don't have to prove anything to you.
You make me laugh and then you laugh with me.
I make a joke and even though it's silly, you think it's genuinely funny.
You and I. It'll be you and I against the world.

I called it love and we said it was forever.
Didn't think that maybe we said it all too soon.
You got me at hello and how are you.
I was hooked on your voice and how you made me feel.
And it all changed, after sixteen months together.
I don't know what exactly happened, but I could feel it all shift a little.
Maybe I didn't try hard enough and maybe you were a bit too distant.
And maybe we stopped being good to ourselves and each other.
And I love you didn't mean the same thing anymore.
Guess you can't fix what might be broken and too late to put back together.
You got me at hello and how are you, but you lost me at goodbye and I'll always be here for you.

M~

It's been a couple weeks since the two year anniversary of your death. I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing okay. Better than okay. I'm happy and my life has meaning. Soon I'll stop hearing your voice in my head and seeing you everywhere. But right now, I'm ok with writing you letters and talking with your ghost.
Take care of yourself and I'll see you in good time.
All my love,
Sammy