I heard your name again, slipping out of a friend's mouth.
I had to take a second and confirm that it was indeed your name.
For a split second, the world stopped, started, stopped again and started again.
Breathing became complicated for moment, and then it straightened out.
Why should I care that you're still around?
It's not like we talk and I haven't seen you for three years.
Guess I forgot that you even existed, let alone still live in this town.
You haven't crossed my mind since you went off on me and we ceased existing to the other.
I got so busy with my own life that I forgot that you were alive, and I was startled to hear your name on someone else's lips.
Congratulations on still existing and I wish you the best, even though I know I'll never talk to you again.

And this is the last time I'll ever see you or talk to you.

I've had enough of this life.

I'm ending it once and for all.

Goodbye, love

Hope we meet again in another life.

I replayed the words I threw at you and wish to holy hell that I could take them back.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was trying to make it look like everything was sunshine and daisies but it's not.
I'm fine and I'm happy but my world is shaking around me.
My best friend wants to **** himself and I can't seem to talk him down from it.
But I'm doing fine.

you. taught me to be afraid.
we. we were two separate people.
i. lived in your shadow constantly.

forgiveness. something i cannot give.
closure. what closure is there to have?
i cannot give what there is none of.

you. taught me the world is cruel.
i. believed that your words were true.
a false sense of trust you embedded.

i tripped over your words all the time.
and you stood by and watched me.
watched as i made a fool of myself.

you laughed when i was sobbing.
told me that i would never be enough.
convinced me i was nothing at all.

you. my shadow, my worst critic.
we. there is no you without me.

you are me.

we are the same.

fingertips stumbling over worn pages.

i love you's lost in the wind.

just wait for the sun.

she'll come warm you up love

I set the world on fire, just to watch you put it out.  
You touched my cheek, and said I was so good and worth everything and more in the world.
I burned my bridges, and you crossed them before I burned them all.
You wiped my tears and said you loved me.
But who would love this broken and healing girl?
You didn't care how many demons hid in my closet; you wanted me anyways.
Every wall I put up, you knocked it down without a second thought.
Love. I'm calling this love. My love. I'm calling this love.
My love. I'll call you my love.
My love. My...love.

Sometimes I get an odd feeling, the kind that you're not sure of.
And sometimes, the words you say create that odd feeling inside of me.
I do my best to shove it where the sun don't shine and it comes right back.

*******. There. I said it.

******* for ******* with my heart and my whole **** existence.
I've said a million times that I'm happy you and her are together.
I meant every word every single time and wouldn't take it back.

And maybe you didn't mean to cause me pain, but it still happened.
Maybe you didn't mean for your words to change my life, but they did.
How could you have known? it's not like we ever talked about this.

It was staring us in the face, love, and we were unable to see it clearly.
It's not your fault, and it's not mine either.
We didn't give ourselves the chance or time to sort it all out together.
And that's just okay; I promise you it's all okay.

last night i dreamed that i was all alone again.
standing in the sand, i watched the water carry you away.
i scrambled to find a hold in the grains, but i tumbled down the dunes.
i heard the seagulls crying, mourning the same loss as i.

that morning, i buried my broken and bleeding heart.
i dug a hole so deep, not even i could rescue and revive it.
shoulders slumped, i walked on glass, my back turned on my sorrow.
i awoke with tears in my eyes, and a ball of dread so big that i felt sick.

Can you feel that? That's the feeling of my heart beating in my chest.
That's the sound of a little girl's heart trying desperately to stay whole.
And no, she's not trying to stabilize her breathing, she's fighting for air.

Ask anyone and they'll say that he was the reason she kept living.
They'll create this big narrative, painting him as the savior.
Leaving me in the shadows of the heroic deed this man has done.

I was the one who helped her fight for her life.
not him. that was me.
It was my hands that held hers and it was my voice that begged her to live.

He'll claim that he convinced her to live for it wasn't her time.
Persuasion comes in the form of hazel eyes, a warm face and smooth vocals.
But. so do lies.
and he lied.

Because that little girl was and is me.
we are the same.
while she was hiding from pain under a table, I was there right beside her.
we are the same.

and when voices rose in pitch and fingers pointed blame at us, I held her hand.
holding my breath alongside her while trying to listen in to the argument.

we are the same.
we are the same.

Don't hold your breath.
I'm done fighting for life.
Thank you love for being here.
You were a constant in my life.

Tell the ones around you that you love them.
A day may come where you're unable to do that

Love, you couldn't save me even if you wanted to.

See you on the other side my love.
Maybe it'll be better this time around.
Who knows, we're pretty great in my dreams.

I'll see you in my dreams.

Fresh pain carved on pale wrists.

Shadows under green eyes

Tiredness shouts from her face.

             tired of caring
             tired of loving
             tired of believing
             tired of fighting to live

She's too worn out to dry her tears.

To grab the hand that is extended out.

Fingers entwined, yours fit well with mine.
Two bodies in bed, mine fits well with yours.
I could never say that this is a mistake.
But at night while you sleep, I second guess my choices.
And while you sleep with an arm around me, I'm as complete as could be.

Wouldn't be too surprised to hear you've burned my memory.
Well baby, I've been way busy kissing someone else's lips.
Hey, is that shock I see on your face?
Didn't think I'd move on and actually be happy with another?
Oh honey, please, you've got to be for real.
Yeah I've been way busy turning my blood to fire with a new guy.
Don't be too jealous, please spare me your emotional train wreck.
They say I look good on him and he looks good on me.
Sorry not sorry that I'm having a good time without ya.
Yeah I've been way busy getting over your sorry ***.

I guess I hoped to get a friendly word from you.
Anything. Maybe even a " happy birthday" from you.

Nothing. Not a sound or a word.

Anything from you would've made my day. Coming from you, anything would've meant everything and more.

I wish you'd talk to me now and then.

Wish we could exchange friendly words and everything would be alright..

Sometimes love really amazes you. Sometimes you fall in love with someone and time just flies past the two of you. And one month turns into six and a year turns into five.
And there's nothing you wouldn't do for him. And nothing could ever tear you two apart.
Five years ago, I was just sitting by him, trying to get out the words to tell him I didn't want to live. And he pulled me up and said he wasn't going anywhere. I didn't think he'd keep that promise. We had no idea that we would make it this far and still be in love with each other. He's been by my side always. He kissed my cheek and said I was beautiful when I hated my body.
Five years we've stuck together. Five years of never ending love and respect and loyalty. Five years of laughter, smiles, goofy grins, jokes. Five years of being the other half of each other.
Baby you're my forever and always.

You left in the morning, not a single sound in the room.
I watched the door close and my love fall away.
Mm darling you never really could make up your mind.

Come home back to the arms that held you all night,
Come back to the hands that fit so **** right.
Come back, and I'll never let you go again.
Come home and let's try it again.

That's all I hear in my head as these months have gone by.
But you find yourself looking in at the scene taking place.
Just a bystander for once, and not the lead in the play.

amongst the rain and the wet moss surrounding the concrete,
daffodils push through the cement and the cracks in the sidewalk.
Ever since I left the big city, bits of spring pop through.
Little reminders of why I should stay and not go back to the lights.

Dear four year old self,

You were just a kid. You were never a lost cause. It wasn’t your job to protect yourself from unkind people. That was your parent’s job, and they did a **** poor job of it. Nobody expected you to take care of yourself when you were left alone for nights on end. You were right in hiding from raised voices and unkind hands. Shame on those who saw what was happening and didn’t step in to lend a helping hand. It is not your fault. It was never your fault.

I encourage you to not dwell on the physical, mental or emotional trauma and scars left in the wakes of your childhood. While it may seem easier and quicker to convince yourself that it was all a bad dream, I promise you that thinking like that will only slow down the healing process. In order to heal, move on and forgive yourself, you have to acknowledge that what happened was real and then you have to let it go.

You will have setbacks. You will fall down and bruise yourself while getting up, but I promise you that you’ll be okay. You will get stronger every day. You will get depressed and you’ll make the several attempts to end your life. You will get your heart broken and you will heal from that. You will find that marijuana does not hold the answers to the questions you’ve been so desperately craving.

love,
S

i danced back and forth, looking for a way out.
searching desperately for an escape.
i can feel my skin growing cold.
my nerves are all over the place.

please. don't touch me. i'm fragile.

sometimes i wonder.
what would it be like to truly be alone.
would i hate myself all the time?
would i feel super lonely?

and then i remember u holding me.
telling me how much you love me.
and i wonder, maybe u deserve so much more than what i have.

i
lay awake at night with your words in my head.
And wait. for the pounding silence to slip away.

it's not as if this happens every day.
but sometimes it's as if i can't help myself.

i swear on my heart that I'm happier than I've ever been.
smiling comes easy as breathing these days.

and a faint yet genuine smile curves my mouth every time.
every time my eyes slip over those words written on paper.

i will not let myself slip and fall because of those words.

i will not take one step backwards.

I've disappeared again to rethink the words I've said.
Honesty is everything to you and me.
Honesty is all I've tried to give.

Are you sure you want me around?
Are you sure you want me around?

What if I mess it up again?
What if I go and make it worse than it was back then?

Can you love me like you did before?
Can you love me like you did before?

i walked down the city sidewalk.
amidst the bustle of the cold morning.
those tracks seem so inviting to me.
a bed where I can sleep yet not wake.

i must confess; i almost gave in to it.
almost laid my body on the cold metal.
who would miss me if i never woke?
surely nobody would really care.

forgive me if i've caused you pain.
i'm not sure if love is made for me.

those tracks look so inviting to me.
a place to finally rest and not wake.

And I can't stay here anymore.
I can't hold your hand; it's already slipped out of mine.
Heaven knows I tried to make it work.
But I can't make my heart say something it don't believe.
I wish I was who you wanted.
But the truth ain't something you can just erase.

hello anxiety my old friend.
been awhile since i've given into my old ways.
kinda strange, to be standing on your doorstep.
woulda thought i'd find somewhere else to be.

wild thoughts running through my head.
and i, i didn't even think you still cared for me.
truth is, i'm not the same person i was months ago,
and you, you probably will never believe that ever.

my world has shrunk again, and i gotta get out of here.
desperate for something to balance me once more.
i can't help but cling to the same draining thoughts.
i can't help but close myself off from the entire world.

hello anxiety my old friend.
are you here to once more throw everything in my face?
you're desperate to prove to me that i'll never change.
you've torn everything apart and blame me.

take my hand, love, and just give me some clarity.

I swore that I'd moved on when I was crying on my best friend's dad's shoulder that night. Tears running down my face, I said that I was happy with someone else. I told her dad that I didn't care if he showed up. Sometimes I hate this traitorous heart that beats under my skin. Messing with my head, it says that I'll never be happy with anyone else ever again.
Oh how I'd **** to stand in front of him and say honestly that I'm ok and happy with someone else. But I saw him that night and my world turned upside down. But nothing will ever change anything between us.

Take this heart, I don't want it anymore.

And take this love, keep it safe for me.

And take this ring, forever don't mean a thing anymore.

I wish I could be ok with everything, but how the **** am I supposed to deal with losing you?

Real sick of where I come from and the past that follows me like an unwanted shadow.
I know I made some bad decisions and a whole lot of mistakes.
And I said things that I wish I could take back.
And I'll be ****** if I don't do my best to wipe the slate clean.
I lost the better half of me months ago and buried myself alive with guilt, shame and sorrow.
I spent the first three months climbing out.
I spent the last four months writing down everything that happened and all that made up the two of us.
And I pushed away and tugged back at my conflicting emotions and feelings for seven months.
I screamed at the sky, at some higher energy, to put it all back together.
I'll spend the rest of my life trying to find a way to put it back together.
And if it kills me, I'll die happy with the last words from you were "I love you "
That would be enough.

Tell me a story where it doesn't end like a fairytale, because I don't believe in happy ever after. I'm done waiting for my prince to come sweep me off of my feet. I don't want to be rescued like some damsel who needs saving from herself. Honestly, you would've thought that they would try to make it not sound like she's broken to the point where someone else needs to fix her. Maybe she just wants to fall in love with someone. Maybe she just wants to fight for that love because that's all she wants. And perhaps there's a chance that she wants to be seen in a different perspective than that of what others put her in. And maybe the ending would be different and more sufficient and worth dreaming of if that were the case.

I guess today I'm feeling a little nostalgic.
I can't help but think that it would be better if you were here right now with me.
I mean, I probably ruined any hope and chance of being next to you in the same room.
But. I'd take anything to calm my racing heart and steady my breathing.
Hell, it wouldn't take much for anyone to see that my heart is torn between two people.
Guess you could say that I'm only into one person and in love with the other.
Only difference is one will never love me back.

Give me a year to heal and get back to myself.
Time is what we need right now.
I hope you're doing okay.
You asked for the space and time to heal.
I'll give you that and more.
So take care of yourself.

i laid awake that night.
heart in my hand, wondering.

thinking i made a mistake in.
giving you all i had left in me.

i gave you all i had left.
to someday.

to make a life with you.
to build a future with you.

i am not done with the story.
love is not something i leave.

come. build a life with me.
lets fall in love all over again.

I've never really thought about what it would be like to be apart from someone you loved.

To have the distance between you be like a literal wall separating the both of you.

You kept my demons from tearing me in half, even if it meant staying up late to help calm me down.

It was never about falling out of love; no, falling out of love wasn't the case for us.

We had the love thing down, but in the end, the line got blurred and we couldn't seem to get it right.

And sleeping alone, that will take time on both sides.

And we'll come out on the other side, saying that we got through it just fine.

I'm sorry. For the truth I'm to tell.
Please. This is hard for me to say.
But. I looked at my life tonight.
I couldn't find the goodness inside.

I carved fresh pain on my skin again.
Looking for some sort of release.
Searching for some sort of relief.
Not sure if life's worth fighting for.

You're probably disappointed in me.
Angry even.
I can't feel anything right now.
You could strike me and I'd take it.

I called the hotline tonight.
The waitlist was too long.
Instead of waiting, I relapsed.
Ashamed, I'd rather hide my despair.

I'm not sure if I can do this.
I hurt. Everywhere ripples with hurt.

I couldn't sleep last night.
My thoughts were running rampant and wild.

I laid awake, trying to shut my heart off, knowing I'll never really get us out of my head.

Love, I'll never stop loving you.
You could mess up a million times and I'll always forgive you.

Love, you could tell me I'm worthless and I'll love you anyways.
I don't care what people say.

Love, this is me fighting to keep you around.
Because if I'm being honest, life ain't the same without you.

Clench and unclench my hands.

Breath in and out. In and out.

Loosen the tension in my shoulders.

Push back against the raw emotions threatening to burst from my chest.

Wipe the tears from my eyes and slowly exhale.

Not today. Not today. Not today.

Repeat over and over again.

Years spent trying to convince myself that I've turned over a new leaf.
Hours used to make my head believe that nothing is wrong.
Days wasted in the mirror, covering up the pain.

I was dumb. I was naive.

I carved every heartbreak, every ounce of pain and fear on my wrists.
Put a mask on and pushed the insecurity behind bars.

Love is a funny thing. The things we do for love. The actions we take for who we love. The things we say; all in the name of love.

I thought what I was doing was because I was in love with you. Never occurred to me that I was going about it the wrong way. Or that you were content to just be on your own.

I tell myself that time will work things out. Everyone says that.

But when does time turn into too much time?

When do you realize that while you were making up your mind, she reached the point where she couldn't wait around anymore and suddenly you've lost her all over again?

MeToo

If all the people who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote "me too" as their status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.

complicated words tumbled out of your mouth.
words strung together hastily, tripping over themselves.
you grasped my hands, trying to convince me to stay.
my fingers slipped out as I made to walk away.

I didn’t want you; just liked the thought of someone.
I didn’t need you; you were just an anchor so I didn’t drown.

I didn’t want you; just liked the idea of you.

Hold on for me.
Stay just a little longer.
I am not ready for you to go.

Your aging hands are what keeps me here.
Your words are what guide me.
I need you to stay here with me.

I don't want you to go.
There's so much left for me to show you.
Take my hand, let's make another glorious dinner surprise.
Show me the wonders of your garden.

To the people holding out their hands.
Please. I don't want your kindness.
Stop. I don't need your sympathy.

I don't need a shoulder to cry on.
I don't need you to dry my tears.
I don't want your advice or opinion.
I don't want your help.

Leave me be so I can find myself.
Maybe I'd rather be alone after all.

Seems like all we do is fight.
And at night I wonder.
I wonder what love is like.

I guess. This doesn't feel right.
Not for either one of us.
And I wonder sometimes.

If everything is a fight. Then. What the hell are we fighting for. If not love. Then what do you want from me.

I can't be perfect for you.
I'm not someone for you to fix. I am not broken.

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. Tired of waking in a bed that don't feel the same. And maybe this is all my fault.

Maybe I am to blame.

Blame it on love.

Flutters. Butterflies when you text me.
Something in your voice pulls me in
Love. This is for real this time.
Hold me tightly and don't let go.

I took my ring off today.
The worn metal tells a story.
If you listen hard enough, you can hear every emotion experienced in this love.

I took it off because I felt I wasn't good enough to wear it.

I wasn't proud to be your girl. I wasn't feeling like I deserved you.

I put it back on because I don't want anyone else.
I want you.

But I'm scared in the end, you will decide I'm no longer worth it.

i woke up this morning and felt something shift inside me.
it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders; it was freeing.
i could breathe easier, think more clearly, and talk coherently.
i didn't check to see if anyone was watching me through the window.

in case you're wondering, i don't think of you much anymore.
my mind doesn't wander to thoughts of you and me and what was us.
my head is less crowded now that i've finally let go of you and me and us.
i sleep through the night, and that had never happened before.

i woke up this morning, and i smiled sincerely for the first time in weeks.
my freckles don't stand so stark against my skin in the mirror.
i'm starting to really love the girl i see in my reflection.
i'm starting to think and to believe that i can and will accomplish my dreams.

in case you're wondering, i'm not the broken girl you used to love.
i don't constantly wonder if i'm enough for anyone anymore.
i don't wonder why you couldn't love me the right way from the start.
and whatever good times we shared, well, i threw them out with last week's trash.
because we never really were in love, were we now?

you didn't make time, you were never really there and i know you never truly cared.
and i was a fool for staying by your side when all you ever did and continued to do was lift me up and then knock me down.
and i'm not a fool for your love anymore.
i moved on to something bigger and better and have no room for you in my life anymore.

A lot has happened in the last 24 or so hours.

Due to some personal problems, I may be deleting this poetry account.

That being said, I don't feel worthy of anyone's time.

So maybe a break from writing my thoughts is a good idea.

This is the last time I put my thoughts down on paper.
The last time I'll be honest about how I'm doing.
If you saw me now, you'd never want me around again.
Trust me, I'm far from where I used to be.
But I carved fresh pain on my wrists again.
And I started to hate the girl in the mirror.
But your words slipped into my head and reminded me that I am stronger than I think.
I have more courage and strength than I sometimes know.
So thank you for believing in me and having faith.
For not giving up on me.
Your words helped me walk away from a path I never want to go down again.

only a few days since your birthday passed, the second one I’ve celebrated without you here.
it’s strange, uncharted ground for me to navigate without you standing beside me.
missing you doesn’t get any easier, but it doesn’t get harder, either.
almost like I’ve somehow gathered the strength to stand on my own without feeling like I’ll crumple without help.
my daughter has your smile, and her eyes crinkle the same way yours does.
I pray that she has the same grace as you, and that her kindness and compassion mirrors yours.
I promise she’ll get to know you the same way I did.
she makes me want to live, not just survive.
the same thing you had begged me to do, when your impending passing threatened to destroy every last piece of will I had in my body.
i made it, after two years of rebuilding myself, and not running scared of the strength and solidity I found within.
thank you, for igniting that spark, and for all the years I got to learn how to be balanced and kind.

I lay awake for yet another night;
your tiny feet kicking around, looking for more room.
it’s not uncommon for me to wonder how we got here; two pink lines and a heartbeat.
as I still my hand over my ever growing belly, you eagerly meet mine with your steady growing ones.
and despite the aches and pains of contractions, I lightly push against you, anxious to feel you kick me in return.
and even though some days I can’t move through the pain, I love you more each day.
you’ll never know how excited I am to see you.
sweet girl, oh you are something else; someone bound to move mountains and change the world.
For you, my sweet child, are made for something far bigger and better than I ever was.