Less than five weeks to go.
Less than five weeks of feeling you stretch and grow in the limited space of my womb.
I can’t wait. I can’t wait to meet you.
Can’t wait for the nights where all you want is me. Can’t wait for the mornings where I’m exhausted from being up all night, but content with baby snuggles.
you were the surprise we didn’t expect, but embraced with open minds and open hearts.
Mom is feeling so tired with the limited mobility she has,  but feeling you move has me filled with gratitude.
I wonder if you’ll look like your daddy and have my attitude.
I wonder if you’ll hate shoes as much as I did as a kid.
Oh the possibilities are endless, but so fun to imagine who you’ll turn out to be when you arrive.

This is the last time I put my thoughts down on paper.
The last time I'll be honest about how I'm doing.
If you saw me now, you'd never want me around again.
Trust me, I'm far from where I used to be.
But I carved fresh pain on my wrists again.
And I started to hate the girl in the mirror.
But your words slipped into my head and reminded me that I am stronger than I think.
I have more courage and strength than I sometimes know.
So thank you for believing in me and having faith.
For not giving up on me.
Your words helped me walk away from a path I never want to go down again.

it's a relief to be with you.
it's just like breathing in and out.
so natural that i don't have to think twice.
I'd choose you over everything else.

the last time i did this, i was trapped.
i couldn't breathe, couldn't think.
i drank and swallowed pills instead.
i thought dying was the only way i could free myself.

you lead in this dance, but i trust you to catch me if i fall.
i'm not scared of you.
i'll give you all i have and more.

I remember when it was easy to talk to you.
when I wasn’t scared to tell you I needed you.
but sometimes I wonder why it’s different now.
why you’re so adamant on being strangers.
I’m not sorry for those years we loved each other.
I’m not sorry for forcing the distance with us.

two strangers who used to be in love.
and it’s coming on three years since I left us.
three years of healing and grief and growth.
and I don’t feel like I’m the same person now.

difference between you and me is stark.
you’ll run if I’m in trouble, that’s obvious here.
but I’ll always be here for when you need me.
old habits may die hard but I call it honesty.
because while you’ve been doing your thing.
I’ve been clearing the air with a man who’s gone.

years fly by and I relish it as time goes by.
we loved each other, everyone knows that.
but I never tarnished your good name.
and at the end of the day, I can’t hate you.
I won’t ruin my checkered history with you.

I’ll keep the good memories to myself.
the rest is, I guess you could say is history.
I sleep fine at night, knowing I was honest.
but darling, can you say the same thing yourself?

forgiveness. a word I never thought to apply to the years we spent together. forgiveness. the things you did, the words I said. there’s a million excuses I could give to justify why I never did it. there’s a hundred thousand reasons why I should. healing. we had our own ways of trying to heal ourselves and we hurt each other in the process. healing. the damage that was done in the process is something I’ll never forget. there’s a lot of things I could say to explain away why I blamed you for the pain I was in. and there’s so many reasons why I never showed up to apologize for the way things ended. acceptance. one day I’ll be able to look you in the eye and be okay. acceptance. maybe someday you won’t be a stranger in the same sense. forgiveness. i forgive you. forgiveness. i forgive you.

the past few days, i've been drowning in my head.
hoping and praying that i'm not burying another family member.
i've been going through the motions, but it's not registering quite yet.
i smile and laugh, but i can't feel any of it yet.
is this what giving up feels like?
people ask me if i'm ok.
i feel like i'm underwater, but unable to try to reach for the shore.
been stumbling over words and forgetting what i'm doing.
grief is complex and i don't know quite what to do.

hey you. been a minute since i spoke to your ghost. since i trailed my fingers across my skin, pretending it was you. since I played June on my record player. your smile plays in my head. eyes smiling at me from across the room. you loved me with all you had. and honey we loved fiercely and desperately. i know it was hard for you. hard for me and hard for us. we did our best. heaven knows i still love you. we did all we could. and at some point, we had to step back. you're lovely. you're compassionate and you love fiercely without hesitation. this is on me. i did this. i wrecked us. I'm sorry. god knows how I long to call you mine again. come back. run your fingers down my spine. tell me your deepest longings.

and here we are, pushing each other once more.
words spilling out, I told you to change your tune. swore a promise to myself, I’d leave the next time you hurt me. and you, telling me you’ll never do it again. careless with my heart, what was I supposed to do next? you stood on my heart, telling me I should put my faith in you, not him. honey, I’m not the girl of your dreams. the minute I told you I was leaving, you said you’d marry me if I’d just put my bags down and stay with you. told you a hundred times that I’m not gonna be a stay at home gal. and my bags are packed and I leave in august. Bout five states away and a three hour time difference. not sure I care what you think anymore since you’ve been talking to three different girls this whole time. so forgive me if the taste of you makes me sick. forgive me if this time, I’m done.

spent my life in a small oregon town.
21 years here and a change is gonna be made.
packing up the home I’ve made here.
memories put in boxes and suitcases.
guess you and I weren’t made for each other.
and this child of mine will never know you.
and I’ll be in Indiana in a handful of weeks.
saying goodbye ain’t easy, but hey you’ll be fine without me.
I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t miss you.
but it’s a lie if I said I wasn’t ready to move.
all I’ve ever wanted was to get out of here.
make something of myself somewhere else.

to the boy who loved me for years.
hey you. been a minute since i spoke to your ghost. since i trailed my fingers across my skin, pretending it was you. since I played June on my record player. your smile plays in my head. eyes smiling at me from across the room. you loved me with all you had. and honey we loved fiercely and desperately. i know it was hard for you. hard for me and hard for us. we did our best. heaven knows i still love you. we did all we could. and at some point, we had to step back. you're lovely. you're compassionate and you love fiercely without hesitation. this is on me. i did this. i wrecked us. I'm sorry. god knows how I long to call you mine again. come back. run your fingers down my spine. tell me your deepest longings.

and a year has flown by.
kisses and racing hearts and sparkling eyes.
laughter and raised voices and growth.
lonely nights turned into late night talks.
where holding each other was a promise.
mornings filled with humor and glee.
sleepy kisses and fingers intertwined.
it’s a good love we’ve created together.
the “windows down radio up”kinda love.
the “pull you closer at night”kinda love.
the“wanna marry you now”kinda love.
we push each other’s buttons sometimes.
we sleep far away in the same bed too.
we don’t let anger rule the evenings.
come morning, we’re curled up together again.

last night I saw you in my dreams.
just as crystal clear as the day you told me you were ready to leave.
An old man told me to be careful what I wish for.
pretty sure I saw Jesus, and grandma, how can that be?
I watched my life pass before my eyes last night.
watched him hold me like he used to, watched us dance around the bedroom like before.
they say life is to short to worry about death.
but what if death is merely a telescope to your life that you can peer into and find the joy?
I woke up this morning with tears on my face.
I wanted to fall back asleep, wanted to see you again and get back whatever time we lost.
last night I saw you in my dreams.
last night I touched your hands and I remembered all the ways you made me smile.
last night I saw him in my dreams.
last night I said goodbye to a love i never thought I would ever let go of.

Intertwine your life with mine. Sleepy mornings filled with love. Wrap your arms around me and I’m complete again. Whisper your deepest  desires in my ears. I’ll wake you with a cup of coffee in bed. come home from work late. I’ll run into your arms as if you’ve been gone for days. a life with you is all I’ve ever wanted. I’m in love with the deepest parts of your soul. Love, this the fairytale ending I’ve been looking for.

it’s a year of firsts without you here. thanksgiving is coming up and you’re. not here.
fall and winter don’t feel. good to enjoy without you. and there’s a hole. deep inside that I’ve tried and tried to fill. but there’s nothing in this world. to fill the hole you left. stared the bottle down. cursed this life a hundred times. I’m quick to anger. quick to run when things get hard. **** good at hiding my pain under something else. christmas isn’t gonna be the same. you should be here. hold a spot at the table just. for you and your kindness. don’t want to. start a new year without you. don’t want to start. a new year without you. all the way across. the country far away. from you and the place I called home. grief is. complicated and messy and circular. I wish. I had gone to your funeral. If not to be. with family. but to say goodbye to you. goodbye to you. words I’ll never be ready to say. you were mine. my world. my north star. the flame that kept my life candle burning. love you more. love you most. miss you till. I see you again.

it's cold outside and I can't sleep. hard not to get stuck in the cycle of thinking that I'm nobody in this city. hard not to think that I'll never be good enough for someone, that all I'll ever be will only ever be defined by what I've done in the past, and not by what I'm doing now.

I've tried running from my past, and it didn't work. I'm facing who I used to be, and I've been working and taking steps to be different and change the way I go about life. I don't smoke as much and I don't drink as much either. but I also don't do yoga. I also don't go for walks by myself and I don't do half the things I used to do when I wasn't doing well. nobody's to blame but me. And I sure wish people would stop judging my person by the things I've done in the past. I'm trying to get better, stop being so mean.

And it's 1.20 in the morning and I can't sleep. I can't shake the feeling that I'll never be enough for anyone around me. I can't shake the thoughts running through my head, clashing against the ones that tell me to keep going. I keep a light on at night, afraid that if I let the darkness swallow me, I'll never arise from the depression that constantly surrounds me. and I don't talk to people about what's really going on because nobody can really help me. you can't save me. I have to do that on my own.

and because of how I've been treated in the past, I'm less likely to reach out and ask someone directly and clearly for help. I would rather lightly vent and then deal with it on my own. because the last time I asked someone close to me for help, they gaslighted me and made it so bad that I honestly thought suicide was my only way out of the hell I was living.

and maybe I look and seem fragile and weak and naive and oblivious to the world around me, but truth is, I notice and I see and I hear just about everything around me. I see the way people look at me, before they know my past and after they learn it. their looks go from sweet and understanding to wary and distrustful. they treat you less like a person and more like unwanted lettuce they don't want in their salad. they say they understand and want to help you move through it, but really they don't want that burden.

They'll swear that they love you no matter what, and then later they'll say sorry, but your past is unforgivable. And you'll say that it's ok, you're used to people leaving you, but in reality, it hurts so bad, you can't tell what hurts more, them leaving, or the harsh reality that nobody is going to ever love you unconditionally.

Love is not unconditional. It always comes with a price, and often the cost of love is a price nobody ever wanted to pay. they say that love is the answer, but it's what kills us in the end. and you might want him to stay forever, but do you really think you can handle paying the price that his love costs? and when he says he'll love you at no price, forever, don't take his word for it. because even though he says it in the beginning, he'll change his mind, and you'll be stuck paying the price while he gets to walk away with barely a scratch on him.