Fast heartbeat and red stained cheeks.
Butterflies twisting and pooling in the stomach.
The wanting and the need to have just one more.
One more kiss;one more hug; one more feeling of his skin on mine.
He turns my blood to fire and renders me speechless.
I can't get enough of him, and it drives me crazy.
He's on my mind all the time, even when I'm laying in bed.
What is this feeling?
It's foreign to me, yet familiar at the same time.
It's alluring to me, leaves me gasping for air at times.
But I got the guy and I ain't letting him go.

I guess i didn't think i'd even be here again, pleading for another chance.
but. the words i say don't match what i feel.
on my knees. tears in my eyes. i tell you to stay. but i'm already gone.
love you called it love as you watched my heart break.
love you called me love as you let us slip through the cracks.

you and i. we're separate people. different worlds. different lives.
you and i. spend too much air fighting with the other.

mama forgive me. i drank my sorrows again.

father forgive me. for i have sinned once again.

i broke my own heart trying to fix what may never be whole again.

Eighteen months. A year and a half.  The better part of it spent with the other half of us, learning how to put your two lives together.
It's kind of amazing to look back at something great that you created with someone else. To see the up and down parts and how you both reacted and acted.

Eighteen months.

There were times where I maybe should've walked away. When I should've left instead of coming back again and again for more. But love is a funny thing.  It doesn't communicate with your brain. It makes decisions before you have time to think about it.

Eighteen months.

We were on top of the world. It was us against the world. You were mine and I was yours. It was that simple. There wasn't a doubt in my mind when I said I wasn't ever gonna let you go.

One month.

It's been one month since it happened. Since the distance and time have swallowed us up. The end wasn't as simple as we would've liked it to be. But it was the end. The end of something beautiful and worth remembering.

me and you. two things that maybe.
shouldn't be. a love that i want.
but a love that might never be.
i'll fight till i can't stand on my own.
i'll fight till my voice is gone.
if you tell me to go, i'll go.
i won't make you stay if you don't.
but. sometimes i doubt myself.
as if maybe i'm not enough for you.
even though you tell me otherwise.
i'll still wonder if i'm enough.

intertwine your fingers in mine.
brush your lips over my cheek.
run your eyes over my being.

lay next to me and please don't leave.
promise me this is what we deserve.
that you and me are gonna last.

this is what I've been looking for.
someone to call my own.
a love that i've been denied.

scorned by an ex lover, i'm broken.
and you say i'm still flawless.
deprived of kindness, i'm scared.
you move slowly with me, and love me.

i love you, you wonderful kind man.
you and i fit so well together.
let's keep doing this forever please.

She dared to dream; starlight in her eyes.
Moonlight in her hair; freedom on her tongue.
She chose to dance; on the world’s edge.
Against society’s rules; rebel for the cause.

Dancing through the night; moonshine’s all gone.
Freedom’s disappearing; yet she dances on.
Oh, there she goes; spinning through the air.
A whirlwind of night and day; a mirroring of the elements.

And all I could hear was my beating heart; striking a steady tattoo in my chest.
And for a minute, between the slight pauses in the music, I could feel you lifting me up as I dipped and spun across the stage.
Despite the crowd before me and despite all who were dancing with me, I could only see you.
And in the moment, everything in me focused on you and the love and support you brought with you.

You've supported me in everything I've done, even if some of it was done on a whim.
The love that you show and give and share is more than I could even think of. And to be the person on the other side of that love, that truly is a blessing. And a blessing I'm grateful for every single day.

Based on my history, based on my past.
I haven't been the best for you.
And it's been years since I've seen you.
Years since I've heard your voice.

You of all should know I'm not enough.
And I'm done crying over you.
Wasting sleep over us.

We were just having fun.
Two kids running around together, holding hands and kissing.
Under the bridge, I let you turn my blood to fire.
Your lips on mine, my hands tangled in your shirt.
We don't know what to call this, but I like whatever this is.
We kinda just fell together and your hands were in my hair and the rest was a blur.
But I can't get you out of my head.
Don't know what it is about you, but something about you pulls me in.
Reaching for another kiss and another chance to run my hands through your hair.

It's been almost a year since I heard the news that you were gone.
Almost 12 months since I heard your voice and held your aging hands in mine.
And it's coming up on thanksgiving and a sudden thought struck me while I was in bed.
This is my first thanksgiving without you.
This is my first time celebrating what I'm thankful for without you.
And these tears are both sad and thankful tears.
I'm sad that you're not here to be with me and I'm thankful for the many years we had together.
I'm thankful for Sunday afternoons spent laughing and making various foods.
I'm thankful for wise words and empathetic energy from you.
And I miss you.
Every **** day.
It doesn't get any easier or better.

I don't have an answer to the question you're asking.
I don't have a clue as to what my heart wants.
But for some ******* reason, it can't forget you.
Oh sure, I've been doing my best to change its mind, but my best isn't good enough.
Don't get me wrong, it wouldn't be a bad thing if we ended up together.
But I'm not too sure that that's what you want.
It's up to you my dear.
The call is yours to make.
I'll be fine with whatever you decide.
But just don't forget that life is too short to not enjoy what you have.
Time isn't eternal, so don't spend it up trying to make up your mind.

I wish I could say that I'm overjoyed that you talked to me again, but I know that we can't ever talk again. There's no way that this will ever leave us in one piece. I'm just gonna end up hurting you again. I can't take that chance. It's better this way, I promise. You're better off with me not in your life. So please take care of yourself. I wish you all the best.

i love you. three words that u should. never tell me because i don't want it.
my head. darling my head is chaotic.
are you sure. you want me still?
even though. i can't control emotions?

i've tried to figure it out many times.
wracked my head for a simple answer.

why would. you want this mess?
i'm nothing special honey.

i'm wild and unpredictable. messy.
i can't even get a grip on myself.
but. for so long i've been trying.
fighting. for the chance to love.
to love you the way u deserve it.

please. don't walk away from me now.
please. take my hand. let me in again.

let me. run my hands down your back.
let me. trace patterns on your skin.
goodness knows. i've been trying hard.

let me show you something new.

a new side. of me and you.

Come into the light so I can run my eyes over you.

Come closer to me so I can feel your skin against mine.

I don't care about your weaknesses enough to stop loving you because of your flaws.

You saw past the scars and the sad eyes and self loathing looks at my body.

As far as I'm concerned, this love is for real.

This love is for keeps.

Every word written on that card; did ya mean any of it?
Everything that came out of your mouth; were ya being honest?
All of it; is there a reason I should or shouldn't believe it?

I want so bad to believe in you.
What I wouldn't give to hear you say you love me and actually believe it.
What I'd **** to have you tell me something honest and selfless.

You say you know I'm angry right now, and you hope I forgive you one day.
It's not about forgiveness; it's about honesty and trust.
If I can't trust you, I won't be forgiving you anytime soon.

But I want so bad to have you in my life again.
To talk to you about my day and to hear your advice about the guy I like.
What I wouldn't do to trust you again.

What this girl would give to have her momma come back to her for real this time.

Sorry it took me so long to say hello back to you//I was caught up in my head//I ignored you for so long because I didn't want to admit that I could see you//I spent years and years trying to formulate words to make up for the time we lost//But I swear I still believe in you//I'm trying to find that child I used to be a part of//Who taught me how to believe in myself//Fingers crossed that she still believes that I'll still come back for her//Darlin, I'm coming//

So much has happened lately yet I've no inspiration whatsoever to write anything about it.
I know y'all were hoping I'd write something worth your time, but y'all outta luck on that front.
So, keep y'all's heads up and keep smiling and laughing.
I'm hoping to come back later with something worth reading.

i've loved you. since the day i met you.
butterflies in my throat. stumbling.
over words i. didn't know how to say.
farewell love. please don't go forever.
i still want you. but you don't want me.
and did you ever love me. the same.
way i love you. i stand on my own now. i lean on others. but i want you.
farewell love. thank you for it all.

And she breathed life into the trees and they lifted her up, passing her through their intertwined branches.

She was a child of the earth, and a princess of the forest.

And she dipped a hand into the water, and the droplets collected on her hand, caressing her skin.

She was a child of the earth, and a lady of the water.

it's been mere hours since you and I.
mere minutes since we parted ways.
pull me in and push me away you do.
love me and touch me then disappear.

baby, you know I'll love you always.
even if we never cross paths again.
love, my love, we'll meet once again.
and maybe in dreams we'll find love.

it wasn't meant to be, and that's okay.
just know that you're worthy of love.
you're sweet and kind and caring.
you're nothing short of beautiful.

He was so young..too young to have his life taken away from him. My heart hurts for the loss of such a lovely person such as Elijah.

Rest in peace, my dear friend.

Sometimes I stay awake and I try to find the words to tell you how I really feel.
And sometimes when I try to say them, it all comes out wrong.
It's kinda like having a thought in your head.
You have it, then you lose it on the tip of your tongue and stumble over the words, feeling like the world's biggest fool.
And tonight I feel like nothing is making sense right now.
I can't place why I ever stopped looking for them when the answers were staring me in the face.
You try and be a stronger person, trying to protect yourself  from a mother who can't stop drinking and popping pills and smoking whatever she could get her hands on.
You try and be the best daughter your parents could ask for.
You try and work double shifts, doing things that nobody ever asked you to do.
Try and work yourself till you can't breathe, smell or hear almost anything.
You know what's funny?
Having a mom who tells you she's sorry, that she'll try harder and then time and time again screws you over with every lie.
You put on a brave face and act like nothing ever happened between you and her.
You try to maintain that mask, and then, when nobody sees, try holding back the tears and pent up emotion that's been in store.
I dare you to try doing that and then maybe you will see how hard I really tried to be strong.
But everybody thought I couldn't be fazed by anything, that I was fine, all the time.
But I'm not as bulletproof as you think; I'm just human and sometimes I break when I fall down.
I, the unbreakable girl, broke; behind walls that were already down, outside of a mask that I forgot to wear.
So, not everything is good as you think it to be.
But every day, I get a little bit stronger.
Every day, I get a little bit stronger.

I used to think about ya all the time. Used to have my head in the clouds, always replaying our words.
You were still such a huge part of me then. I'd go to sleep with the feeling of you next to me. Ghost, my ghost, where'd you go? I can't find you in the tangled sheets next to me. I used to tell myself that it was a dream and I'd wake up any moment and we'd be just fine. I was lying to myself. But I tried to think otherwise. Ghost, my ghost, where'd you go? Think I left you behind along with the broken bits of me.
I keep searching for something that I can't reach.
I keep looking for something that is no longer there.

spring came again, and I find myself wondering how time flies by so fast.
just yesterday it feels like I was holding your hand, and reveling in the time we had left together.
and now, I am left to once again pick up the pieces from the aftermath of a tragedy, one that I couldn't prevent.
losing you was the hardest hit I've taken in years, and it's the one thing that I will never fully recover from.
I don't regret a single moment I spent with you, because those memories are precious and I don't want to forget them.
I spent months being angry and bottling up my feelings because I couldn't comprehend losing you at such a fragile time.
when you said you were ready to go, I couldn't understand the words you were saying.
and it's been almost a year, and I've tried to be patient with myself, just like you advised me to do.
and the sun peeks out every now and then, and I am reminded of how very lucky I was to have you.
Oh how I wish you were here; I think you'd like the way the sun lights up the trees.
Happy spring, you wonderful soul; till we meet again.

Dear Myles,
It's finally sunny and warm here! I'm loving this good weather. I'm a lot happier and my anxiety and stress levels have stayed pretty low, which is great for me. While the weather is great, I wish you were here. I think you would love the beauty and life that is thriving. Some days, I can hardly breathe and others, I can get through the day with a smile on my face. Sure do miss you. I miss you everyday.
It's been a little over two years, but the pain and weight of missing you hasn't gone away. It doesn't hurt so much, and the weight pressing on my heart and chest has lifted significantly.
I've accepted that you're gone and that you're not coming back. I'm working on moving on with my life. I don't see you so much in everywhere I go, and our conversations don't happen very often, and I'm learning to be okay with that.
I replaced the flowers on your grave with some pretty stones that I found on the beach. Flowers are temporary whilst stones are eternal. Besides, I think you'll like them much more.
Also, I totally kicked *** with Kai last night on our solo for the choir concert last night.

All my love,
Sammy

I need someone to talk to me.
But it's just the silence and glittering city.
I wrote a letter to you and I put it in the mail today.
Maybe you'll write back to me and tell me how you're doing.
But how do I reach you when you're up there above all else?
Can't you bend the rules for me and send me a letter from the stars?
Come on, come back to me. I've got a lot to tell you. And a lot to show you.

I'm not looking for you to tell me that I have value as a person. I already know that. I'm not looking for someone to tell me that I'm strong and that I can beat the odds. I already know that. Honey I'm just looking for someone to remind me of all the good inside of me. Remind me of the kindness and thoughtfulness and beauty and strength I have in my core. I ain't looking for validation from an outside source.

My mind goes in circles at night.
My heart just tries to keep up.
There's a certain odd feeling.
One that I can't quite figure out.

Its interesting to walk in here.
To see walls that I used to know.
To hear voices I used to remember.

Everything is different and quiet.
Feels like I'm not home anymore.
Like I'm just a stranger.
A stranger you invited in your home.

Dear stranger

It’s been two years since we’ve last spoken. And seven years since we started existing to the other. I can still remember clearly the first time we met. You were wearing overalls with a paint stained tank top, grey leggings and converse. Your hair was pulled back into a hasty ponytail and your hands were covered in paint. You loved to paint.
I remember how your room was covered in various works of art, and a variety of different boxes of tea had been stacked on the top shelf of a bookshelf that was closest to the doorway. You had always talked about doing art shows, in the hopes of one day making money off your art.
The first time you entered in the very first art show, I remember how ecstatic you were, and the underlying currents of nervousness in your voice as you called me to share the news. You didn’t end up selling any of your pieces, but you were proud that you went out of your comfort zone with your art.
I remember the last fight we had, and I can distinctly recall feeling hurt, betrayed, sad, mad and confused afterwards. I didn’t understand how you could be friends with someone and then have the nerve to lie to their face, as if it didn’t matter how they were affected by your actions. I just wish that you had just told me the truth: you didn’t want to be friends anymore. I would’ve understood that and nothing would have blown up if that was what had happened instead.
I’m probably never going to say this to you, and that’s okay. I needed to get it on paper so that I could let it go and continue on with my life. We’ve gone our separate ways, and sometimes friends do that. I can only hope that we can come face to face once again and not stir up the past.

Sincerely,
A mutual connection

Take a moment, now.
Imagine you are the largest tree in the world’s tiniest forest.
You are out of place, but undeniably recognizable.
I want to ask you this: are the other trees too small or are you too large?
Do you live to their standards or your own?
Do you want to blend into that perfect little forest or do you want everyone to recognize you and know you for being the biggest and grandest tree?
If you feel happiest as a small tree, then you’re happiest as a small tree.
But if you’re happier as a big tree, then be a big tree.
Don’t conform for the sake of conformity.
Do what you want, be who you want.
I’ve had a difficult time lately figuring out where I belong again.
And I realized I’m a giant oak tree in a forest full of tiny citrus ones.
I don’t belong in this forest, but man do I stand out.
My existence in that forest is making a ****** statement and I swear the world will remember me.

Dare to dream in a world that is for success to be defined by levels and ranking and age, gender, city limits and unnecessary paperwork.

I'd love to sit and talk with you.
But you're a hundred miles away.
Even though you're right beside me.

They said you'd be better now.
But I don't believe the doctors these days.
They said they had a treatment for you.
But what good is the treatment if you ain't getting better?

The trees miss you, whispered the breeze.

The stars wait for you, promises the moon.

The earth loves you, stated the dirt.

And we'll never stop looking till you are found.

And this is the last time I'll ever see you or talk to you.

I've had enough of this life.

I'm ending it once and for all.

Goodbye, love

Hope we meet again in another life.

All my life I've always thought of happiness as a destination.
Most are familiar with the old adage "oh someday I'll be happy."
I myself have been guilty of saying the same thing when I've been sad.

One thing I've learned about getting over heartache and sad moments is to not dwell on the moment itself and to let yourself be sad and not force yourself to move on right away.

Happiness is not a destination; rather, it's a mood and not exactly a feeling or an emotion.

I encourage all of you to rethink the idea and concept of being happy.

Changing my own mindset around this entire concept shifted my perspective on moving forward after the loss of a loved one or intense heartbreak.

She'll go back to the trees.
Back to where she felt the safest.
She'll give everything to keep living .
But this time, she's not giving anything because she's not getting what she deserves.
And with that, she smashed through the wall that she put up to protect her from something that she didn't need protection from: herself.

I feel
     like I am floating on sunshine.
Her.
      she's all I think about.
Me.
       holding her hand.
Eyes.
       hazel and full of sparkles and love.
Heart.
        beating fast in my chest.
Butterflies.
         i feel them in my stomach and in my feet.
Is this?
          is love supposed to feel like this?
She.
          is all i ever think about.
Love.
           i wonder if she feels the way i do.

running a finger down the spine of an old book
worn pages filled with stories and adventures
certain parts bookmarked with dog eared pages

a letter written with love
a postcard from a relative
keepsakes tucked in the back of the book

lines and paragraphs illustrated in detail
cathedrals created by phrases and carefully crafted words
life brought to reality with commas, periods and question marks

love once made this tome come alive
imagination kept it breathing and evolving
carelessness and ignorance cut off its airways and organisms

dust coats the brittle spine
mould suffocates its body and soul

Everybody wants a voice so they can be heard.
Out in the crowd, there's a kid who just wants their parents to listen.
Everybody wants to be known as their own individual being.
Out in the crowd, there's a kid who wants to be validated by their family.
Everybody wants to be told that they matter to someone.
Out in the crowd, there's a kid who just wants someone to love them.
Everybody wants someone to tell them that they are worth living for.
Out in the crowd, there's a kid who just wants to be why someone's alive.
Everybody wants someone to not forget them after they die.
Out in the crowd, there's a kid who just wants to be remembered and not forgotten or left behind.

I woke up today and I could feel something shift inside me. Something not unlike a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Looking in the mirror, there's a glow to my face; something that hasn't been there in a long time. Scars on my wrist don't stand out as much. My freckles don't stand so stark against my skin. And my body. The sadness and anger had been eating at me; from the inside out. The fragile girl that used to look back at me in the mirror is gone. But I'm not happy. No, I'm still a ways away from being happy. I'm getting there, day by day. And one day, I'll wake up and genuinely be happy. But that day is not today.

Thoughts have been swirling around in my head, making it hard for me to think straight. And lately, the last words from you keep circling my mind. And I've never actually said this or really followed through with it: I'm done. I'll give you space and time to heal. I don't want you on the corner of my life or even on the edge of my thoughts. So right here and right now, I'm putting a clear wall between you and I.
I care about you, but I can't heal with you on my mind or on the frayed edges of my life.
So like I said before, this is the last time I write about you and I. Our story ends here.

i. forgot how to breathe.

my head. is so ******* full.

this. is just so complicated.

life. i don't know how to live.

Summer's coming to an end, and fall's soon to set in.
The morning has a chill in the air, and you can see your breath.
You'd like it here, more so than anywhere else.
The cold cement and the corners of the buildings are a lovely mix.
You can still be part of the crowd, yet be distanced at the same time.
And I, will hold my breath until my life ceases to be known.
I've had months to learn how to stand on my own.
People gave me a free pass, hell, I gave myself a free pass.
so cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it, or at least i think that's the saying.
Or cowboy up, and quit your cryin and complainin and get back on the horse that threw ya and keep going.
Ain't nobody going to hold your hand forever, and ya gotta stand on your own.

I've spent my life looking for the best version of myself in the novels that sit on my bookshelf.
I don't know what exactly I'm hoping to find, maybe a beginner's guide to healing.
Broken. A mess. Traumatized. Sad.
Those are all true.
Strong. Brave. Passionate. Kind.
Those are all true.
Healing is a weird process for myself in particular.
When I began, I guess I thought it would be a quick thing; everything made better by sunrise.
And here I am, years later, and not a whole lot has changed.
I still find parts about myself that I despise.
I still am fighting for a balance with my eating disorder.
And every day, I have to remind myself that every day is a new day; a clean slate.
My fight isn't over yet.
My story isn't what most expect it to be.
I don't glorify the healing process.
**** gets hard for me.
It's still so hard to get up in the morning and eat something healthy.
I have to remind myself that I am strong and good enough every day.
I have to look in that mirror and tell myself "you're ******* worth it"
And I am ******* worth it.

And I don't talk about you anymore. I stopped hearing you in my head.
And the conversations we used to have, I won't ever forget them. But I don't see you anymore. I think a part of me finally let you go. Swear I could see the light as your job was done and the stars called you back to them. Swear that I could see you in the stage lights as I danced across the stage last night. And I know you'll be with me every step of the way for the rest of my life.

And some nights I lay by you.

Listening to you try to make me understand.

Entertaining the thought of you with someone else.

Kissing someone else and doing all the things you did with me with them.

And you swear that you're mine and mine alone.

Darling forgive me if I have reservations around this whole thing.

We made a promise and a commitment to each other.

Why else would I have said yes?

Why the hell am I wearing this ring if you're still looking for satisfaction in someone else?

I thought things would be different between us when I moved in with you.

Guess I thought wrong.

Fresh pain carved on pale wrists.

Shadows under green eyes

Tiredness shouts from her face.

             tired of caring
             tired of loving
             tired of believing
             tired of fighting to live

She's too worn out to dry her tears.

To grab the hand that is extended out.

All I remember is holding your hand, wrinkled but strong and sturdy.
A smile on your face, and tears of pride in your eyes.
Endless support and love is all I've ever known from you.
Never once have you let me fall down on my own.
And you've been fighting this battle on your own, but don't forget that I've been holding your hand the entire time.
So here's to a lifetime of love and happiness between us.
I'm blessed to be your granddaughter.