I guess i didn't think i'd even be here again, pleading for another chance.
but. the words i say don't match what i feel.
on my knees. tears in my eyes. i tell you to stay. but i'm already gone.
love you called it love as you watched my heart break.
love you called me love as you let us slip through the cracks.

you and i. we're separate people. different worlds. different lives.
you and i. spend too much air fighting with the other.

mama forgive me. i drank my sorrows again.

father forgive me. for i have sinned once again.

i broke my own heart trying to fix what may never be whole again.

Seems like all we do is fight.
And at night I wonder.
I wonder what love is like.

I guess. This doesn't feel right.
Not for either one of us.
And I wonder sometimes.

If everything is a fight. Then. What the hell are we fighting for. If not love. Then what do you want from me.

I can't be perfect for you.
I'm not someone for you to fix. I am not broken.

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep. Tired of waking in a bed that don't feel the same. And maybe this is all my fault.

Maybe I am to blame.

Blame it on love.

And some nights I lay by you.

Listening to you try to make me understand.

Entertaining the thought of you with someone else.

Kissing someone else and doing all the things you did with me with them.

And you swear that you're mine and mine alone.

Darling forgive me if I have reservations around this whole thing.

We made a promise and a commitment to each other.

Why else would I have said yes?

Why the hell am I wearing this ring if you're still looking for satisfaction in someone else?

I thought things would be different between us when I moved in with you.

Guess I thought wrong.

My mind goes in circles at night.
My heart just tries to keep up.
There's a certain odd feeling.
One that I can't quite figure out.

Its interesting to walk in here.
To see walls that I used to know.
To hear voices I used to remember.

Everything is different and quiet.
Feels like I'm not home anymore.
Like I'm just a stranger.
A stranger you invited in your home.

Come into the light so I can run my eyes over you.

Come closer to me so I can feel your skin against mine.

I don't care about your weaknesses enough to stop loving you because of your flaws.

You saw past the scars and the sad eyes and self loathing looks at my body.

As far as I'm concerned, this love is for real.

This love is for keeps.

Fingers entwined, yours fit well with mine.
Two bodies in bed, mine fits well with yours.
I could never say that this is a mistake.
But at night while you sleep, I second guess my choices.
And while you sleep with an arm around me, I'm as complete as could be.

Based on my history, based on my past.
I haven't been the best for you.
And it's been years since I've seen you.
Years since I've heard your voice.

You of all should know I'm not enough.
And I'm done crying over you.
Wasting sleep over us.

I've spent my life looking for the best version of myself in the novels that sit on my bookshelf.
I don't know what exactly I'm hoping to find, maybe a beginner's guide to healing.
Broken. A mess. Traumatized. Sad.
Those are all true.
Strong. Brave. Passionate. Kind.
Those are all true.
Healing is a weird process for myself in particular.
When I began, I guess I thought it would be a quick thing; everything made better by sunrise.
And here I am, years later, and not a whole lot has changed.
I still find parts about myself that I despise.
I still am fighting for a balance with my eating disorder.
And every day, I have to remind myself that every day is a new day; a clean slate.
My fight isn't over yet.
My story isn't what most expect it to be.
I don't glorify the healing process.
**** gets hard for me.
It's still so hard to get up in the morning and eat something healthy.
I have to remind myself that I am strong and good enough every day.
I have to look in that mirror and tell myself "you're ******* worth it"
And I am ******* worth it.

And here I am once again, pouring the tangled and flawed mess I am onto your shoulders.

Take my tears, I don't want them anymore.

Take my scattered thoughts and make something beautiful out of them.

Take my tired eyes, please make them shine again.

I can't stand, can I lean on you?

Dear four year old self,

You were just a kid. You were never a lost cause. It wasn’t your job to protect yourself from unkind people. That was your parent’s job, and they did a **** poor job of it. Nobody expected you to take care of yourself when you were left alone for nights on end. You were right in hiding from raised voices and unkind hands. Shame on those who saw what was happening and didn’t step in to lend a helping hand. It is not your fault. It was never your fault.

I encourage you to not dwell on the physical, mental or emotional trauma and scars left in the wakes of your childhood. While it may seem easier and quicker to convince yourself that it was all a bad dream, I promise you that thinking like that will only slow down the healing process. In order to heal, move on and forgive yourself, you have to acknowledge that what happened was real and then you have to let it go.

You will have setbacks. You will fall down and bruise yourself while getting up, but I promise you that you’ll be okay. You will get stronger every day. You will get depressed and you’ll make the several attempts to end your life. You will get your heart broken and you will heal from that. You will find that marijuana does not hold the answers to the questions you’ve been so desperately craving.

love,
S

All my life I've always thought of happiness as a destination.
Most are familiar with the old adage "oh someday I'll be happy."
I myself have been guilty of saying the same thing when I've been sad.

One thing I've learned about getting over heartache and sad moments is to not dwell on the moment itself and to let yourself be sad and not force yourself to move on right away.

Happiness is not a destination; rather, it's a mood and not exactly a feeling or an emotion.

I encourage all of you to rethink the idea and concept of being happy.

Changing my own mindset around this entire concept shifted my perspective on moving forward after the loss of a loved one or intense heartbreak.

It's been almost a year since I heard the news that you were gone.
Almost 12 months since I heard your voice and held your aging hands in mine.
And it's coming up on thanksgiving and a sudden thought struck me while I was in bed.
This is my first thanksgiving without you.
This is my first time celebrating what I'm thankful for without you.
And these tears are both sad and thankful tears.
I'm sad that you're not here to be with me and I'm thankful for the many years we had together.
I'm thankful for Sunday afternoons spent laughing and making various foods.
I'm thankful for wise words and empathetic energy from you.
And I miss you.
Every **** day.
It doesn't get any easier or better.

Dear stranger

It’s been two years since we’ve last spoken. And seven years since we started existing to the other. I can still remember clearly the first time we met. You were wearing overalls with a paint stained tank top, grey leggings and converse. Your hair was pulled back into a hasty ponytail and your hands were covered in paint. You loved to paint.
I remember how your room was covered in various works of art, and a variety of different boxes of tea had been stacked on the top shelf of a bookshelf that was closest to the doorway. You had always talked about doing art shows, in the hopes of one day making money off your art.
The first time you entered in the very first art show, I remember how ecstatic you were, and the underlying currents of nervousness in your voice as you called me to share the news. You didn’t end up selling any of your pieces, but you were proud that you went out of your comfort zone with your art.
I remember the last fight we had, and I can distinctly recall feeling hurt, betrayed, sad, mad and confused afterwards. I didn’t understand how you could be friends with someone and then have the nerve to lie to their face, as if it didn’t matter how they were affected by your actions. I just wish that you had just told me the truth: you didn’t want to be friends anymore. I would’ve understood that and nothing would have blown up if that was what had happened instead.
I’m probably never going to say this to you, and that’s okay. I needed to get it on paper so that I could let it go and continue on with my life. We’ve gone our separate ways, and sometimes friends do that. I can only hope that we can come face to face once again and not stir up the past.

Sincerely,
A mutual connection

Last we talked, you got in my face saying I was the reason we didn't work out.
That was three years ago, or have you since forgotten?

I had almost forgot you still existed in this world.
And hey, why do you care so much all of a sudden?

What do you care if he and I start something between us?
You're just mad that I wouldn't have *** with you.

Since when is it your place to tell him to "tread lightly" with me?
When did you decide that it was your place to say anything about this?

It's not.
It's not your place to get in my business, our business.

So stay out of it.
Be an adult.

Leave your problems with ME out of our private relationship.
If you have such a big issue with me, take it up privately with ME.

I heard your name again, slipping out of a friend's mouth.
I had to take a second and confirm that it was indeed your name.
For a split second, the world stopped, started, stopped again and started again.
Breathing became complicated for moment, and then it straightened out.
Why should I care that you're still around?
It's not like we talk and I haven't seen you for three years.
Guess I forgot that you even existed, let alone still live in this town.
You haven't crossed my mind since you went off on me and we ceased existing to the other.
I got so busy with my own life that I forgot that you were alive, and I was startled to hear your name on someone else's lips.
Congratulations on still existing and I wish you the best, even though I know I'll never talk to you again.

Take a moment, now.
Imagine you are the largest tree in the world’s tiniest forest.
You are out of place, but undeniably recognizable.
I want to ask you this: are the other trees too small or are you too large?
Do you live to their standards or your own?
Do you want to blend into that perfect little forest or do you want everyone to recognize you and know you for being the biggest and grandest tree?
If you feel happiest as a small tree, then you’re happiest as a small tree.
But if you’re happier as a big tree, then be a big tree.
Don’t conform for the sake of conformity.
Do what you want, be who you want.
I’ve had a difficult time lately figuring out where I belong again.
And I realized I’m a giant oak tree in a forest full of tiny citrus ones.
I don’t belong in this forest, but man do I stand out.
My existence in that forest is making a ****** statement and I swear the world will remember me.

MeToo

If all the people who have been sexually harassed or assaulted wrote "me too" as their status, we might give people a sense of the magnitude of the problem.

I've never felt so much anger before towards anyone.
Have you ever looked someone in the eye and have them tell you that you should've kept the child that was planted in you by a stranger who drugged and ****** you?
Have you wiped the tears of a woman in despair because she was ***** and told she wasn't allowed to get an abortion?
Have you curled up in a ball, trying to figure out who to tell about your personal experience of ****** assault and ****?
Tell me, person who says abortion is a sin and that it is relative to the holocaust, will my ****** support me?
Will my ****** pay for doctors visits?
Will my ****** pay the medicals bills for giving birth?
Will my ****** pay child support?
**** no and don't tell me that I should always save the child.
Excuse me if I don't want to carry my ******'s child inside of me.
My body. My choice.
MY BODY. MY CHOICE.

So much has happened lately yet I've no inspiration whatsoever to write anything about it.
I know y'all were hoping I'd write something worth your time, but y'all outta luck on that front.
So, keep y'all's heads up and keep smiling and laughing.
I'm hoping to come back later with something worth reading.

Summer's coming to an end, and fall's soon to set in.
The morning has a chill in the air, and you can see your breath.
You'd like it here, more so than anywhere else.
The cold cement and the corners of the buildings are a lovely mix.
You can still be part of the crowd, yet be distanced at the same time.
And I, will hold my breath until my life ceases to be known.
I've had months to learn how to stand on my own.
People gave me a free pass, hell, I gave myself a free pass.
so cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it, or at least i think that's the saying.
Or cowboy up, and quit your cryin and complainin and get back on the horse that threw ya and keep going.
Ain't nobody going to hold your hand forever, and ya gotta stand on your own.

I want you to create a home within me.
My bones will creak and weep like old floorboards, my eyes will shimmer like attic windows and i'll radiate heat like the ancient gas stove.
You can lock the doors to the rooms you don't want to sleep in, you can board the windows to the places of me you want to keep dark.
You can put a Welcome mat on the front porch if you decide you want to share me.
You can paint the walls a new color and put putty in the holes people gave me.
You can make me a vacation home and only visit me when you want, leaving me alone the other three seasons you're gone living your life without a home.
Just whatever you do, don't leave ghosts behind in me.
I want you to create a home within me.

Can you feel that? That's the feeling of my heart beating in my chest.
That's the sound of a little girl's heart trying desperately to stay whole.
And no, she's not trying to stabilize her breathing, she's fighting for air.

Ask anyone and they'll say that he was the reason she kept living.
They'll create this big narrative, painting him as the savior.
Leaving me in the shadows of the heroic deed this man has done.

I was the one who helped her fight for her life.
not him. that was me.
It was my hands that held hers and it was my voice that begged her to live.

He'll claim that he convinced her to live for it wasn't her time.
Persuasion comes in the form of hazel eyes, a warm face and smooth vocals.
But. so do lies.
and he lied.

Because that little girl was and is me.
we are the same.
while she was hiding from pain under a table, I was there right beside her.
we are the same.

and when voices rose in pitch and fingers pointed blame at us, I held her hand.
holding my breath alongside her while trying to listen in to the argument.

we are the same.
we are the same.

Sometimes I get an odd feeling, the kind that you're not sure of.
And sometimes, the words you say create that odd feeling inside of me.
I do my best to shove it where the sun don't shine and it comes right back.

*******. There. I said it.

******* for ******* with my heart and my whole **** existence.
I've said a million times that I'm happy you and her are together.
I meant every word every single time and wouldn't take it back.

And maybe you didn't mean to cause me pain, but it still happened.
Maybe you didn't mean for your words to change my life, but they did.
How could you have known? it's not like we ever talked about this.

It was staring us in the face, love, and we were unable to see it clearly.
It's not your fault, and it's not mine either.
We didn't give ourselves the chance or time to sort it all out together.
And that's just okay; I promise you it's all okay.

running a finger down the spine of an old book
worn pages filled with stories and adventures
certain parts bookmarked with dog eared pages

a letter written with love
a postcard from a relative
keepsakes tucked in the back of the book

lines and paragraphs illustrated in detail
cathedrals created by phrases and carefully crafted words
life brought to reality with commas, periods and question marks

love once made this tome come alive
imagination kept it breathing and evolving
carelessness and ignorance cut off its airways and organisms

dust coats the brittle spine
mould suffocates its body and soul

I heard you took her to our favorite spot for your first date.
Heard that you told her that she was the prettiest girl in town.
But doesn't she know that he's already given those words to me?
I know that you're in deep and you can't turn back now.
Know that we can't do anything about what's already happening way too fast.
I mean, I went looking for a distraction and faster than I could blink, my hearts lying to me saying it's love.
And you, she looks so good with you.
And we, we shouldn't, we can't, we could never be those two.
Those inseparable beings, crazy in love with each other.
But everybody knows we'll end up with each other in the end.

I've been rereading the words that you've sent me; stumbling over phrases and going in circles around sentences.
Your words at best once flooded my being. At worst, they tore me down after building me up.
Unpredictable love, you're unpredictable.
You pull me in and pique my curiosity and reel my heart in with I love you and then toss me aside.
I'm not good enough but you say I love you, yet what you really mean is that I'm not good enough for you.
Hey, I don't take it personally and maybe that's because I'm used to it.
I'm no stranger to your patterns and antics and behaviors.
I know you better than most anyone.
And I'm a fool for wearing my heart on my sleeve and being honest with you.
I should've known better than to give you an opportunity to build me up and tear me down.
But hey, that don't do anything to me.
You can't break a heart that was never yours to begin with.

Twelve centimeters.

The space between us.

Soft, caressing, loving.

Your hands running up and down my bare spine.

Passionate, searching, intoxicating.

Your lips on mine.

You kiss me like you're searching for the raw passion buried inside of me.

Trailing kisses down my stomach, up and around my neck, gentle as ever.

Your fingers fit in mine and everything falls into place.

But nights like these never last forever.

And when the sun comes up the next day, I have to let go.

Say goodbye to the eyes that gazed so deep into mine as if searching for that endless flow of goodness and love.

Allow my fingers to slip out of the hands that traced passion on my skin.

Give myself permission to run my fingers over my lips, remembering how you ignited my very core with every kiss.

To stand still in front of you and run my hands up and over your body, burning the memory of how your skin felt against mine.

To do nothing while tears slipped down my face and I watched everything in my world fall away.

Love is a funny thing. The things we do for love. The actions we take for who we love. The things we say; all in the name of love.

I thought what I was doing was because I was in love with you. Never occurred to me that I was going about it the wrong way. Or that you were content to just be on your own.

I tell myself that time will work things out. Everyone says that.

But when does time turn into too much time?

When do you realize that while you were making up your mind, she reached the point where she couldn't wait around anymore and suddenly you've lost her all over again?

What I learned in life is,
That no matter how good a person is,
sometimes they can hurt you & because of this we must forgive.
It takes years to build trust and only seconds to destroy it ..
We don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change..
The circumstances and the environment influence on our lives,
but we are the one who responsible for ourselves..
That you have to control your acts or they will control you..
That patience requires much practice.. that there are people who love us,
but simply don’t know how to show it..
That sometimes the person you think will hurt you and make you fall..
Is instead one of the few who will help you to get up..
You should never tell a child that dreams are fake, it would be a tragedy if they knew..
It’s not always enough to be forgiven by someone,
in most cases you have to forgive yourself first..
That no matter in how many pieces your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop to fix it ..
May be God wants us to meet all the wrong people first before meeting the right one..
So when we finally meet the right one we are grateful for that gift ..
When the door of happiness closes, another door opens..
but often we look so long at the closed one.. we don’t see what was open for us ..
The best kind of a friend is the kind in which you can sit on a porch and walk…
Without saying a word & when you leave it feels it was the best conversation you ever had.
It’s true we don’t know what we have until we find it, but its also true,
we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives..
It only takes a minute to offend someone, an hour to like someone,
a day to love someone, but it takes a life time to forget someone.
Don’t look for appearances, they can be deceiving, don’t go for wealth even that can fade,
Find someone who makes you smile, because it only takes a smile to make a day better,
find what makes your heart smile..
There are moments in life when you miss someone so much..
that you wish you can take them out of your dream and hug them for real..
Dream what you want, go wherever you want to go.. because you have only one life..
and one change to do the things you want to do ..
The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything,
they just make the best of everything that comes their way.
The best future is based on the forgotten past..
You can’t go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

I don't have an answer to the question you're asking.
I don't have a clue as to what my heart wants.
But for some ******* reason, it can't forget you.
Oh sure, I've been doing my best to change its mind, but my best isn't good enough.
Don't get me wrong, it wouldn't be a bad thing if we ended up together.
But I'm not too sure that that's what you want.
It's up to you my dear.
The call is yours to make.
I'll be fine with whatever you decide.
But just don't forget that life is too short to not enjoy what you have.
Time isn't eternal, so don't spend it up trying to make up your mind.

This is the last time I put my thoughts down on paper.
The last time I'll be honest about how I'm doing.
If you saw me now, you'd never want me around again.
Trust me, I'm far from where I used to be.
But I carved fresh pain on my wrists again.
And I started to hate the girl in the mirror.
But your words slipped into my head and reminded me that I am stronger than I think.
I have more courage and strength than I sometimes know.
So thank you for believing in me and having faith.
For not giving up on me.
Your words helped me walk away from a path I never want to go down again.

Hey there mister tin man, could you make time for a shattered heart? I've been looking to trade mine for armor like yours. Word on the street is that you've been looking for a heart. Trust me darlin, I promise you that you don't want a heart. You say that you just want love. You ain't missing nothing, because love is so **** hard. You can take mine if ya want it; it's in pieces now. I'm glad we talked this out. If you don't mind the scars, you give me your armor, you can have my heart.

Real sick of where I come from and the past that follows me like an unwanted shadow.
I know I made some bad decisions and a whole lot of mistakes.
And I said things that I wish I could take back.
And I'll be ****** if I don't do my best to wipe the slate clean.
I lost the better half of me months ago and buried myself alive with guilt, shame and sorrow.
I spent the first three months climbing out.
I spent the last four months writing down everything that happened and all that made up the two of us.
And I pushed away and tugged back at my conflicting emotions and feelings for seven months.
I screamed at the sky, at some higher energy, to put it all back together.
I'll spend the rest of my life trying to find a way to put it back together.
And if it kills me, I'll die happy with the last words from you were "I love you "
That would be enough.

I've never really given much thought to how one would process a close one's death, and really, there's no specific way to.
There's no "Processing Death: 101" book that you can order on Amazon.
And there's no way to stop your tears from falling.
People tell you to do your best to not dwell on it, but at the same time, you should not pretend you're not sad.
Oh how I wish I could just find the fastest way to acceptance, cause this numb style of grief ain't my thing.
Give me a magic wand to speed up the healing.
Hell, give me a ******* spell, potion, anything to get her back.
I'd give anything to see her smile, her her laugh and see her once more.
Please. I'll do anything. Just bring my friend back to the land of the living.
But there ain't no wand to bring back the dead.

She's remembering the good times//When love was all they ever needed//She's remembering walking away from it all//Saying "I can't stick around to watch it fall down"//I'm just wishing I'd done the same//'Stead of holding on till my hands were bleeding//Today marks the day I let go of the tattered and stained rope//Where I say " I'm sorry for not seeing what was happening to us"//And I am, I promise//I am sorry for what happened//I am grateful for the hard lesson it taught me//Thank you for all you showed me//I will carry it with me as a reminder that I have a second chance for making the right choice when love gets tangled and torn//

Tell me a story where it doesn't end like a fairytale, because I don't believe in happy ever after. I'm done waiting for my prince to come sweep me off of my feet. I don't want to be rescued like some damsel who needs saving from herself. Honestly, you would've thought that they would try to make it not sound like she's broken to the point where someone else needs to fix her. Maybe she just wants to fall in love with someone. Maybe she just wants to fight for that love because that's all she wants. And perhaps there's a chance that she wants to be seen in a different perspective than that of what others put her in. And maybe the ending would be different and more sufficient and worth dreaming of if that were the case.

I've disappeared again to rethink the words I've said.
Honesty is everything to you and me.
Honesty is all I've tried to give.

Are you sure you want me around?
Are you sure you want me around?

What if I mess it up again?
What if I go and make it worse than it was back then?

Can you love me like you did before?
Can you love me like you did before?

She dared to dream; starlight in her eyes.
Moonlight in her hair; freedom on her tongue.
She chose to dance; on the world’s edge.
Against society’s rules; rebel for the cause.

Dancing through the night; moonshine’s all gone.
Freedom’s disappearing; yet she dances on.
Oh, there she goes; spinning through the air.
A whirlwind of night and day; a mirroring of the elements.

You left in the morning, not a single sound in the room.
I watched the door close and my love fall away.
Mm darling you never really could make up your mind.

Come home back to the arms that held you all night,
Come back to the hands that fit so **** right.
Come back, and I'll never let you go again.
Come home and let's try it again.

That's all I hear in my head as these months have gone by.
But you find yourself looking in at the scene taking place.
Just a bystander for once, and not the lead in the play.

Sorry it took me so long to say hello back to you//I was caught up in my head//I ignored you for so long because I didn't want to admit that I could see you//I spent years and years trying to formulate words to make up for the time we lost//But I swear I still believe in you//I'm trying to find that child I used to be a part of//Who taught me how to believe in myself//Fingers crossed that she still believes that I'll still come back for her//Darlin, I'm coming//

And I can't stay here anymore.
I can't hold your hand; it's already slipped out of mine.
Heaven knows I tried to make it work.
But I can't make my heart say something it don't believe.
I wish I was who you wanted.
But the truth ain't something you can just erase.

Because two years ago, we were in love with each other and the idea of love. Because it was forever and always. Because it was a promise we made to the other. Because we thought it would be unbreakable. Because two years ago, I knew it was real. And now, I wish I could do it all over because I miss all of that. Here we are, different places and different people. Because we walked away from the other. Because it wasn't what we thought it would be. Because I miss you. Because I wish I could take back all the stupid things I said. Because I don't even know how to say hello to you anymore. Because the silence and distance is tearing me apart. Because I wish you'd say hello back to me. Because my world is shattering. Because..I can't do this anymore. Because my heart won't let go of you. Because I need you to tell me that it's going to be okay. Because I'm tired of holding onto my end of the rope. Because I'm just another face to you.

I know you burned my memory the day you walked away.  Wasn't too hard to see from my view. I could hear the one sided conversation you were having with yourself.

Guess you got tired of fighting the storms for me. You wanted something more than what I could give you.

I have bruises on my shins from falling down on my way to you. My arms are battered and bleeding from the mudslide that are the walls surrounding you. But I've enough strength to do one more dance with you.

My stomach is aching from me doubled over in pain. My throat is hoarse from screaming your name. But I've enough breath to ask you for forgiveness.

My eyes hurt from looking through millions of people trying to find you. My cheeks are stained from a thousand tears.

My chest is hollow from the words you said when you left.

The worst blow I took from you wasn't really from you. But. From myself.

I have blisters on my feet. Too many to count. But they're all from what we were and what we became.

I have blisters on my feet from dancing with your ghost.

All I remember is holding your hand, wrinkled but strong and sturdy.
A smile on your face, and tears of pride in your eyes.
Endless support and love is all I've ever known from you.
Never once have you let me fall down on my own.
And you've been fighting this battle on your own, but don't forget that I've been holding your hand the entire time.
So here's to a lifetime of love and happiness between us.
I'm blessed to be your granddaughter.

To the office of the government
To whom it may concern
I'm writing to request clemency (Clemency)
From fears who has I
To me as a butterfly
And so must go outdoors
And yet there's blood on his hands
But so with mine and yours
For every child of poverty
Who never stood a chance
For each who who said go with me
And each who who took his hand
For each who had bad counsel
And still they took the stand
For every deed of woman
And every deed of man
-Terrifying Sight, by Ani DiFranco

I'm not sorry that you're not around anymore.
I've stopped apologizing for your decisions.
I've stopped feeling guilty for not calling you back.
Most days, I wonder if you're just calling after finishing the bottle.
Maybe you're trying to make up for lost time.
You didn't lose time-you forfeited time with me due to your drug and alcohol infused lifestyle.
You gave it up after the fourth weekend that you left me in an apartment alone, with nobody to watch over me.
You left your child all alone for three days straight.
Then you came home smelling of alcohol and god knows what else.
So I'm done carrying your mistakes on my shoulders.
I'm tired of people making me out to be " my mother's daughter".
Well maybe I wish that I wasn't your daughter.
Sure ***** sometimes.
And next time, don't call my work when you're trying to get to me. Send me an email and I'll get back to you the next time I check it.

Ya know, if you know me as well as you say you do, you would know that fresh pain and sadness has been etched on my wrists. You would know that I'm hating myself and hating the way I look. You would've heard the fake smile in every message sent back and forth between us.

I guess today I'm feeling a little nostalgic.
I can't help but think that it would be better if you were here right now with me.
I mean, I probably ruined any hope and chance of being next to you in the same room.
But. I'd take anything to calm my racing heart and steady my breathing.
Hell, it wouldn't take much for anyone to see that my heart is torn between two people.
Guess you could say that I'm only into one person and in love with the other.
Only difference is one will never love me back.