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Jun 2017 · 301
Skinny Love
Skinny love; made of cracked stardust and empty words.
Love, give it up; he's not coming home and he don't love you so.
Oh, you found yourself in someone else.
Beautiful boy with the warm smile.
You loved him with all you had and more.
Love, give it up, he ain't coming home and he don't love you so.
he says he's sorry for all the pain he's caused.
on his knees, he begs for forgiveness.
she, a fool, absolves him of his sins.
he, ignorant of her innocence, tears her heart apart again.

your words don't mean anything anymore, darling.
apologies dripping from your saccharine lips.
say you've seen the light and you're a brand new person.
doesn't change anything, sorry.

doesn't change anything, sorry

i'm not a child anymore.
you can't fool me into believing you care for me.

doesn't change anything, sorry.
Jun 2017 · 567
Untitled
“most importantly love
like it's the only thing you know
at the end of the day
all this means nothing
this page
where you're sitting
your degree
your job
your money
nothing even matters
except love and human connection
who you loved
and how deeply you loved them
how you touched the people around you
and how much you gave them”

― Rupi Kaur
May 2017 · 200
Her
Her
I feel
     like I am floating on sunshine.
Her.
      she's all I think about.
Me.
       holding her hand.
Eyes.
       hazel and full of sparkles and love.
Heart.
        beating fast in my chest.
Butterflies.
         i feel them in my stomach and in my feet.
Is this?
          is love supposed to feel like this?
She.
          is all i ever think about.
Love.
           i wonder if she feels the way i do.
#love #girlfriend #happiness
Dear Myles,
It's finally sunny and warm here! I'm loving this good weather. I'm a lot happier and my anxiety and stress levels have stayed pretty low, which is great for me. While the weather is great, I wish you were here. I think you would love the beauty and life that is thriving. Some days, I can hardly breathe and others, I can get through the day with a smile on my face. Sure do miss you. I miss you everyday.
It's been a little over two years, but the pain and weight of missing you hasn't gone away. It doesn't hurt so much, and the weight pressing on my heart and chest has lifted significantly.
I've accepted that you're gone and that you're not coming back. I'm working on moving on with my life. I don't see you so much in everywhere I go, and our conversations don't happen very often, and I'm learning to be okay with that.
I replaced the flowers on your grave with some pretty stones that I found on the beach. Flowers are temporary whilst stones are eternal. Besides, I think you'll like them much more.
Also, I totally kicked *** with Kai last night on our solo for the choir concert last night.

All my love,
Sammy
May 2017 · 129
on the edge of a breakdown
Clench and unclench my hands.

Breath in and out. In and out.

Loosen the tension in my shoulders.

Push back against the raw emotions threatening to burst from my chest.

Wipe the tears from my eyes and slowly exhale.

Not today. Not today. Not today.

Repeat over and over again.
May 2017 · 127
Untitled
Years spent trying to convince myself that I've turned over a new leaf.
Hours used to make my head believe that nothing is wrong.
Days wasted in the mirror, covering up the pain.

I was dumb. I was naive.

I carved every heartbreak, every ounce of pain and fear on my wrists.
Put a mask on and pushed the insecurity behind bars.
May 2017 · 151
Ghost of a smile and love
i
lay awake at night with your words in my head.
And wait. for the pounding silence to slip away.

it's not as if this happens every day.
but sometimes it's as if i can't help myself.

i swear on my heart that I'm happier than I've ever been.
smiling comes easy as breathing these days.

and a faint yet genuine smile curves my mouth every time.
every time my eyes slip over those words written on paper.

i will not let myself slip and fall because of those words.

i will not take one step backwards.
May 2017 · 503
Time
Counting down the minutes. But the minutes turn into hours. Time's spinning backwards. What have I done? I didn't mean to push that button, it was so inviting though. I look at my hands and they're covered with multiple equations; various numbers and variables that I can't understand. They told me I'd understand when it was time. Time. Time is something I do not have. Time. Minutes and seconds and hours. Numbers. But these numbers work against me. I push and push to no avail. I'm stuck in a clock, watch everyone I love die in front of me.
Looking down on the chaos, I realize something.
I had the answer all along.
That button. That button I pushed. I should've pushed it twice.
Time. Something that once again thwarted me.
Time. Something I'm going to work for the rest of my life to get back.
May 2017 · 345
Remembering her
I'm sad.
Sad that all that will be left is a title on a slab of gray rock in a fenced meadow.
Sad that you won't be here to see me walk across that stage in June.
Sad that I'll talk about you in past tense, not present tense.
Sad that my tears won't be wiped away by your gentle aging hands.
Sad that I couldn't take away your pain and make it better.

I'm grateful.
Grateful for your love and support.
Grateful for the wise words and no nonsense attitude.
Grateful for every word, laugh, smile, and letter.
Grateful for the memories, hugs, and homemade meal.
Grateful for the card games played in that awful hospital room.
Grateful for the time we've had together.
#love #sadness #loss
she wanted so bad to be here with me when I graduate, but the doctor's said that she's only got a couple weeks left.
May 2017 · 336
Right hand Left hand
You asked for honesty and I gave you nothing but the truth.
Words falling from my mouth, landing in a pile at your feet.
Mercy. Have mercy on my soul.
I asked for forgiveness and all I saw was your hand reaching for your keys.
The door shut with barely a sound, and I felt the world stop and freeze.
Mercy. Have mercy on my soul.
I know I made a deal with the Devil, and heaven knows I ate the forbidden fruit.
I'm on the edge with the pills in my right hand and Jack Daniels in my left.
Devil hold my hand while I tumble over it.
May 2017 · 204
untitled
Dare to dream in a world that is for success to be defined by levels and ranking and age, gender, city limits and unnecessary paperwork.
May 2017 · 383
Nothing ever happens
And nothing ever happens if you stay in your room
Nothing ever happens if you leave the party too soon
Never be a winner if you're not in the game
And nothing ever happens if you always play it safe
Make a little space and get out of your own

Oh, get out of your own way
Get out of your own way
Oh, get out of your own way
Get out of your own way
Quoted from one of my favorite music artists
May 2017 · 235
Selfless, Simple Love
And all I could hear was my beating heart; striking a steady tattoo in my chest.
And for a minute, between the slight pauses in the music, I could feel you lifting me up as I dipped and spun across the stage.
Despite the crowd before me and despite all who were dancing with me, I could only see you.
And in the moment, everything in me focused on you and the love and support you brought with you.

You've supported me in everything I've done, even if some of it was done on a whim.
The love that you show and give and share is more than I could even think of. And to be the person on the other side of that love, that truly is a blessing. And a blessing I'm grateful for every single day.
May 2017 · 292
Medicine
Pick it up, pick it all up.
And start again.
You've got a second chance,
you could go home.
Escape it all.
It's just irrelevant.

It's just medicine.
It's just medicine.

You could still be,
what you want to,
What you said you were,
when I met you.

You've got a warm heart,
you've got a beautiful brain.
But it's disintegrating,
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.
from all the medicine.
Medicine.

You could still be,
what you want to be,
What you said you were,
when you met me.

You could still be,
what you want to.
What you said you were,
when I met you.
when you met me.
when I met you.
"Medicine" by Daughter
It spoke to me and reminded me of myself when I was recovering from a dark time in my life a couple years ago.
Apr 2017 · 192
Guardian Angel
And I don't talk about you anymore. I stopped hearing you in my head.
And the conversations we used to have, I won't ever forget them. But I don't see you anymore. I think a part of me finally let you go. Swear I could see the light as your job was done and the stars called you back to them. Swear that I could see you in the stage lights as I danced across the stage last night. And I know you'll be with me every step of the way for the rest of my life.
Rest in Peace Myles
Apr 2017 · 161
Forever and Always
Sometimes love really amazes you. Sometimes you fall in love with someone and time just flies past the two of you. And one month turns into six and a year turns into five.
And there's nothing you wouldn't do for him. And nothing could ever tear you two apart.
Five years ago, I was just sitting by him, trying to get out the words to tell him I didn't want to live. And he pulled me up and said he wasn't going anywhere. I didn't think he'd keep that promise. We had no idea that we would make it this far and still be in love with each other. He's been by my side always. He kissed my cheek and said I was beautiful when I hated my body.
Five years we've stuck together. Five years of never ending love and respect and loyalty. Five years of laughter, smiles, goofy grins, jokes. Five years of being the other half of each other.
Baby you're my forever and always.
wouldn't trade it for the world. He's my everything and I love him more than life.
Apr 2017 · 208
Dark Rooms, Empty Memories
Sometimes I stay awake and I try to find the words to tell you how I really feel.
And sometimes when I try to say them, it all comes out wrong.
It's kinda like having a thought in your head.
You have it, then you lose it on the tip of your tongue and stumble over the words, feeling like the world's biggest fool.
And tonight I feel like nothing is making sense right now.
I can't place why I ever stopped looking for them when the answers were staring me in the face.
You try and be a stronger person, trying to protect yourself  from a mother who can't stop drinking and popping pills and smoking whatever she could get her hands on.
You try and be the best daughter your parents could ask for.
You try and work double shifts, doing things that nobody ever asked you to do.
Try and work yourself till you can't breathe, smell or hear almost anything.
You know what's funny?
Having a mom who tells you she's sorry, that she'll try harder and then time and time again screws you over with every lie.
You put on a brave face and act like nothing ever happened between you and her.
You try to maintain that mask, and then, when nobody sees, try holding back the tears and pent up emotion that's been in store.
I dare you to try doing that and then maybe you will see how hard I really tried to be strong.
But everybody thought I couldn't be fazed by anything, that I was fine, all the time.
But I'm not as bulletproof as you think; I'm just human and sometimes I break when I fall down.
I, the unbreakable girl, broke; behind walls that were already down, outside of a mask that I forgot to wear.
So, not everything is good as you think it to be.
But every day, I get a little bit stronger.
Every day, I get a little bit stronger.
Apr 2017 · 3.4k
Congratulations
Congratulations, got what you wanted
You're winning now
Congratulations, you got your shot in
You wore me down
And I really don't think you get it now
No, I really don't think you get it now
It's killing me, I admit it now
Congratulations, you tore my heart out
Congratulations
Took these lyrics from one of my current music artists. It captured what I'm feeling now.
I wish I could say that I'm overjoyed that you talked to me again, but I know that we can't ever talk again. There's no way that this will ever leave us in one piece. I'm just gonna end up hurting you again. I can't take that chance. It's better this way, I promise. You're better off with me not in your life. So please take care of yourself. I wish you all the best.
Apr 2017 · 505
Heaven help me
I still see you everywhere I go. Your voice still sounds in my head. I can't help but make my decisions based on what you might say or think if you were here. Can't help but think that everything I do is because my inspiration was you. I can't help but feel as if who I've become and who I am is from the strength and support and love you've showed and given me.

You know, I never stopped believing in you. I never, for a minute, stopped thinking and believing that you'd be the one who'd make the world a better place.

I've been on my knees, praying that I stumble upon the opportunity to tell you I'm sorry and to say all that I need to say.

Love is complicated and messy. I wish it were simple and you could fall out of love as easily as you fell in love with someone. I wish I could move on and give my all to someone else. I'd be lying if I said I gave my all to the other guy.

God knows I'm still in love with you.

Heaven help me, because I know I'll spend my life in love with the guy who'll never love me again.

Heaven help me because I'm in love with a guy who'll never be mine again.

Heaven help me.
Apr 2017 · 820
voicemail
Voicemail. You left a voicemail. No card. Nothing. You didn't even try to call again to see if I could answer the phone.

How can you live like that? You're my mother. I wanted to hear your voice on my birthday and all I got was a voicemail.

Three years we haven't talked, and I'm not sure I want to break that now.

I guess I'm not surprised you haven't changed at all.
Apr 2017 · 161
silence
I guess I hoped to get a friendly word from you.
Anything. Maybe even a " happy birthday" from you.

Nothing. Not a sound or a word.

Anything from you would've made my day. Coming from you, anything would've meant everything and more.

I wish you'd talk to me now and then.

Wish we could exchange friendly words and everything would be alright..
I replayed the words I threw at you and wish to holy hell that I could take them back.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was trying to make it look like everything was sunshine and daisies but it's not.
I'm fine and I'm happy but my world is shaking around me.
My best friend wants to **** himself and I can't seem to talk him down from it.
But I'm doing fine.
Apr 2017 · 1.6k
Coming home to my love
And darling, you know I'm not coming home with you tonight.
And darling, you know our story's gotta end here, at our feet.
I know, I can feel your heart breaking alongside mine.
Please don't cry, I can't keep a strong front when your tears are mixing with my own.

When she says she's staying for good, don't take it for granted.
When she says you're her world, don't take it at face value.
Cause she don't gotta promise anything to you.
She just has to be able to prove it as well.

We don't fit and believe me, I wish to we did.
You make me smile and god knows you have my heart and I have yours.

Darling, wait for me, I'm coming home to you.
Darling, our story don't have to end here, not like this.
I know, my heart's pounding in my chest, same tempo as yours.
Please tell me you feel the same; I can't imagine life without you.

Darling, I'm coming home to you.
Darling, I love you.
I love you.
bits of lyrics from various artists mixed together
Apr 2017 · 459
Messy lives don't mix
There's a boy who lives on the outskirts of the city.
He grew up playing guitar, drums and whatever he could get his hands on.
And all he wants is to be a better version of himself, but he don't know where to start.
What he'd **** to stop leaving a trail of pain behind him.
There's a girl who lives in the heart of the city.
She grew up worshipping Prince and Michael Jackson and rock and roll.
And all she wants is for her heart to stop messing with her mind, trying to make her care for someone who don't want her anymore.
What she'd **** to stop going back again and again for more.
Apr 2017 · 145
Traitor's heart
I swore that I'd moved on when I was crying on my best friend's dad's shoulder that night. Tears running down my face, I said that I was happy with someone else. I told her dad that I didn't care if he showed up. Sometimes I hate this traitorous heart that beats under my skin. Messing with my head, it says that I'll never be happy with anyone else ever again.
Oh how I'd **** to stand in front of him and say honestly that I'm ok and happy with someone else. But I saw him that night and my world turned upside down. But nothing will ever change anything between us.
Apr 2017 · 420
Forgive but can't forget
Words running through my head. Words I probably should've said.
What's wrong with me.
What's wrong with me.
I hate you but I wish I didn't. I'm mad as hell and I wish I wasn't.
Where is the forgiveness in me.
Where is the forgiveness in me.
I'm looking inside myself and reaching for something I can't find. Bits and parts of someone who can say those words of forgiveness and healing.
I can't forgive this.
I can't forgive this.
I want to believe you've changed. Even though I know you won't.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
It's not your fault that I've been slowly becoming a different version of the girl I used to be. It's not your fault that you haven't found what you're looking for.
I forgive me.
I forgive me.
Wrote this about the relationship with me and my mother.
Apr 2017 · 212
Elijah
He was so young..too young to have his life taken away from him. My heart hurts for the loss of such a lovely person such as Elijah.

Rest in peace, my dear friend.
Rest in Peace. Elijah 3/30/17
I keep telling myself that it's better that we don't talk anymore. It's been about a year and a half since we last spoke and all I can think is how much I want to take the damning words I said back. But I can't. What's been said can't be unsaid and what's been done is done. Now all we can do is make the most out of life on our own. We were friends for six years and now we're strangers. Feels a little strange, don't you think? I hope that you're doing okay. I wish you the best and maybe we'll cross paths and start talking again. And until then, I hope your life is all you want it to be.
Mar 2017 · 187
End and beginning
Thoughts have been swirling around in my head, making it hard for me to think straight. And lately, the last words from you keep circling my mind. And I've never actually said this or really followed through with it: I'm done. I'll give you space and time to heal. I don't want you on the corner of my life or even on the edge of my thoughts. So right here and right now, I'm putting a clear wall between you and I.
I care about you, but I can't heal with you on my mind or on the frayed edges of my life.
So like I said before, this is the last time I write about you and I. Our story ends here.
Mar 2017 · 437
Father
The stories I've written about you.
The unrealities I've imagined about you.
The person you say you are.
The parts of you that you hide away-or try to hide away from me.
The "I love you" and "I'll be a better father from now on"
The bottles laying around in your apartment.
The muddled words and swirling of thoughts and feelings.
Empty promises of sobriety fall on deaf ears and a stone cold guarded heart.
Father.
..Father.
Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.
But you are a father before all of that.
You are my father.
Mar 2017 · 419
Your ghost and me
M~

It's been a couple weeks since the two year anniversary of your death. I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing okay. Better than okay. I'm happy and my life has meaning. Soon I'll stop hearing your voice in my head and seeing you everywhere. But right now, I'm ok with writing you letters and talking with your ghost.
Take care of yourself and I'll see you in good time.
All my love,
Sammy
Mar 2017 · 265
Strength and Beauty
I've never had the strength to look past your mistakes and give you the space for improvement and growth.
I'ma be walking across that stage in  few months and I want you there.
I want you in my life right now .
Please don't make me regret trusting you and believing in you again.
Mar 2017 · 141
Time
Give me a year to heal and get back to myself.
Time is what we need right now.
I hope you're doing okay.
You asked for the space and time to heal.
I'll give you that and more.
So take care of yourself.
Mar 2017 · 199
Inner strength
She'll go back to the trees.
Back to where she felt the safest.
She'll give everything to keep living .
But this time, she's not giving anything because she's not getting what she deserves.
And with that, she smashed through the wall that she put up to protect her from something that she didn't need protection from: herself.
Mar 2017 · 443
walking away
Let it go. Really. Actually let it go and walk away. If you keep holding on when there's nothing left to hold on to, you'll only hurt yourself in the end.
Mar 2017 · 193
Out in the crowd
Everybody wants a voice so they can be heard.
Out in the crowd, there's a kid who just wants their parents to listen.
Everybody wants to be known as their own individual being.
Out in the crowd, there's a kid who wants to be validated by their family.
Everybody wants to be told that they matter to someone.
Out in the crowd, there's a kid who just wants someone to love them.
Everybody wants someone to tell them that they are worth living for.
Out in the crowd, there's a kid who just wants to be why someone's alive.
Everybody wants someone to not forget them after they die.
Out in the crowd, there's a kid who just wants to be remembered and not forgotten or left behind.
Mar 2017 · 207
Give and Take
Every word written on that card; did ya mean any of it?
Everything that came out of your mouth; were ya being honest?
All of it; is there a reason I should or shouldn't believe it?

I want so bad to believe in you.
What I wouldn't give to hear you say you love me and actually believe it.
What I'd **** to have you tell me something honest and selfless.

You say you know I'm angry right now, and you hope I forgive you one day.
It's not about forgiveness; it's about honesty and trust.
If I can't trust you, I won't be forgiving you anytime soon.

But I want so bad to have you in my life again.
To talk to you about my day and to hear your advice about the guy I like.
What I wouldn't do to trust you again.

What this girl would give to have her momma come back to her for real this time.
Mar 2017 · 255
You and I
You make me glow with the love you show me.
You put a smile on my face and you say it brightens your day.
It's so easy with you.
It's like breathing; simple as that.
I don't have to prove anything to you.
You make me laugh and then you laugh with me.
I make a joke and even though it's silly, you think it's genuinely funny.
You and I. It'll be you and I against the world.
Mar 2017 · 566
No man's land
You burned me; I burned you..yeah it's all true.
I said I didn't love you the same way anymore.
You told me to grow up and act like an adult.
I'm not here to fight with you or drag your rep through the mud.
I'm just here to clear the air once again.

We were falling in love faster than I thought possible.
I was crazy about you and you were crazy about me.
Soon a month passed by, then six and then a year and before we knew it, a year and a half had flown by.

But not everything good lasts forever.

We were just two people who thought we could make it forever.
And oh how I wish that were true.
But you can't make your heart feel something it don't believe.

This is the last time I tell this story.
The last time I think about all that happened; the good, bad and the crazy.
I'm leaving it here, on the threshold of no man's land.
Yeah this is the last time that I write about how I wish it would've lasted.
Mar 2017 · 260
I got the guy
Fast heartbeat and red stained cheeks.
Butterflies twisting and pooling in the stomach.
The wanting and the need to have just one more.
One more kiss;one more hug; one more feeling of his skin on mine.
He turns my blood to fire and renders me speechless.
I can't get enough of him, and it drives me crazy.
He's on my mind all the time, even when I'm laying in bed.
What is this feeling?
It's foreign to me, yet familiar at the same time.
It's alluring to me, leaves me gasping for air at times.
But I got the guy and I ain't letting him go.
Mar 2017 · 162
Turning my blood to fire
Wouldn't be too surprised to hear you've burned my memory.
Well baby, I've been way busy kissing someone else's lips.
Hey, is that shock I see on your face?
Didn't think I'd move on and actually be happy with another?
Oh honey, please, you've got to be for real.
Yeah I've been way busy turning my blood to fire with a new guy.
Don't be too jealous, please spare me your emotional train wreck.
They say I look good on him and he looks good on me.
Sorry not sorry that I'm having a good time without ya.
Yeah I've been way busy getting over your sorry ***.
Mar 2017 · 232
Something about him
We were just having fun.
Two kids running around together, holding hands and kissing.
Under the bridge, I let you turn my blood to fire.
Your lips on mine, my hands tangled in your shirt.
We don't know what to call this, but I like whatever this is.
We kinda just fell together and your hands were in my hair and the rest was a blur.
But I can't get you out of my head.
Don't know what it is about you, but something about you pulls me in.
Reaching for another kiss and another chance to run my hands through your hair.
Feb 2017 · 285
My worst mistake
You proved me right once again.
Guess I ain't surprised anymore by your actions.
Then again, you've been in and out, yes and no, for so long.
****, I'd be rich if I had a dollar for every time I swore I was done and a twenty for when I was right about ya after all.
So do what you want. You've always done that anyways.
Yeah, I'd be rich if I had a dime for all the times you made my heart feel cheap, and I'd be sitting on a **** ton of dimes if that were the case.
Feb 2017 · 1.4k
Sold my soul to the devil
If anyone asks, I'm selling my soul to the devil.
If anyone wants to know, it's because you took all the good I had in me and tossed it away.

I'm gonna write down all your mistakes.
I'm gonna sing them on stage in front of everyone.

If he asks, I'm drying my tears.
If he wants to know, I'm crying on another's shoulder.

I'm gonna show the world your deepest, darkest fears.
I'm gonna tell them all the secrets I swore I'd keep.

If you ask, I'm just having a bad day.
If you want to know, I'm having trouble trying to breathe.
I: Introduction—A History Lesson
The word ******* was derived from the Sanskrit
svastika,
meaning good fortune,
or well being.
The shape is a monogram,
the interlacing of two Brahmi words,
a hooked cross which, over 5,000 years ago,
represented the rays of the sun,
the four directions of our natural compass,
and the four elements of our world.
Earth, wind, fire and water,
the symbol was balanced,
sitting firmly on its base
like a poised animal
on its haunches.
In other interpretations,
the symbol was a sacred text
explaining, “here is how the sun moves across the sky.”
A map of the heavens,
a lesson in astronomy.
The *******, when standing on its base,
is still sacred today
in many religions.
It is
the Buddha’s footsteps,
the seventh saint in Jainism,
and the four possible places of rebirth
in animal and plant world,
hell, earth and the spirit world.
In the 1870s the ******* was changed forever.
An archaeologist engrossed in discoveries
from ancient Troy and Mycenae,
Heinrich Schliemann,
found the symbol likeable
and claimed it,
because as a man he had the power to define.
He designated it
the symbol of his people—the Aryans—
and soon this is what it became.
By 1907 the ******* was turned at an angle
physically
becoming a hooked cross precariously balancing
on its side.
Its meaning, however, was turned upside down.
The cult of Aryan supremacy
claimed it,
and finally ****** adopted the
bedraggled image
as the symbol of the **** party
marking the beginning of its legacy
as an image of hate,
a harbinger of genocide,
and unthinkable atrocity.
In the course of twenty five years,
under the direction of ****** and Himmler
and Heydrich and Daluege
and Jeckeln and Prutzmann
and Eichmann and Mengele
and countless other men with vacant expressions
and the ability to spell death with pointed fingers
the ******* came to mean loss
of integrity, of citizenship, of basic rights,
of personal safety, of property,
of an untarnished image of humanity
of hope.
Under the *******
unraveled a calm, coordinated,
and systematic extermination
of 6 million Jews
200,000 gypsies
70,000 handicaps
and unknown numbers
of people of color,
political prisoners,
homosexuals
and deportees.
Under the *******,
there were gas chambers
and the burning of children’s bodies.
There were prison-like ghettos,
and there was no humanity.
Part II: A lesson in Linguistics
First, language is meaningful only
because of shared understanding.
Words mean nothing,
symbols are vacuous
unless we share recognition
of the things that they signify.
All language is arbitrary
if we cannot agree on what object,
or emotion or event in history
are called forth by the words that we say.
Second, to be able to change meaning, you must have power
and you must have time.
Trust me,
if I could rewrite the meaning of every blood-soaked word
I would.
I would scrub them clean of their histories.
I’d redefine them,
make them useful,
maybe even kind.
But I can’t, and neither can you.
At least not alone
and not on command.
Because I’m sorry to say
that that’s not how language works.
I’m sorry to say
that a symbol made synonymous with hate
cannot be used innocently,
cannot only mean what it meant before ******
and Himmler
and Heydrich and Daluege
and Jeckeln and Prutzmann
and Eichmann and Mengele.
Even if you claim to redefine it,
even if you claim to only use it for what it once was
even if once it was beautiful,
like the stalwart path of the sun,
the ******* has innocent blood on its hooks
and it eyes us sideways like a crooked lamppost
burdened with memories we cannot dismiss.
We remember.
As a society, we remember,
because pain is a finicky creature
that will not be reasoned with,
or re-defined out of existence.
We cannot use the ******* without remembering the pain
how it was ironed onto the starched coats
and painted on the national flags
of those who murdered
6 Millions Jewish men, women and children,
200,000 gypsies
70,000 handicaps
and unknown numbers
of people of color,
political prisoners,
homosexuals
and deportees.
Even if you say so.
Even if you claim to only use it for good.
We remember,
we remember.
Part Three: A Story
In elementary school my Hebrew teacher was Mrs. Wygodski.
When I was ten she seemed ancient.
I remember her shaky hands, but the steadiness of her voice.
Most of all I remember the numbers on her forearm
from when the Nazis decided she was no longer a girl,
but a numerical value.
I remember her telling us about the concentration camps
when they shaved her tiny girlish head
and gave her *****, ill-fitting clothes,
when they took her arm and erased her
like a message in the sand,
and she became a number.
In elementary school someone wanted to play a joke
so they scrawled a *******
on its side
in large black ink on the white board of class.
The symbol was the first thing you saw
when you entered the room.
I remember
when she came in she was smiling
as usual
her grey hair down, her kind, open face,
a miracle of a woman,
to withstand the darkest night and still smile.
I remember that Mrs. Wygodski said it is important to forgive
but I could never understand how she forgave the Nazis.
She would look at us and say
“hate is the darkest tunnel,
and harder to climb out of
than forgiveness is to bestow.”
The day she walked into the room with the *******
looming large on the white board
I will never forget the look on her face.
As the symbol spoke to her directly
it unearthed everything she spent years flattening down,
memories she sifted through for decades with trembling fingers,
images she shelved in the recesses of her mind
to make room for the possibility of tomorrow, and the warmth of smiling children.
For a moment
that symbol broke her,
and in that moment, the ******* once again stole her humanity,
and turned Mrs. Wygodski into the number
they once told her she was.
Part Four: Land of the Free
Today thousands of hate groups continue to use the *******
teetering sideways
the way that ****** intended it.
Once a symbol of good fortune,
it is now the most widely recognized symbol of hate
the world has ever known.
Used in the United States
the ******* has opened its claws
and staked claim to the beating hearts,
and hopeful sovereignty
and promised dreams
of countless African Americans,
who became the targets of the same bottomless hate
that engulfed millions in the holocaust.
Under our star spangled banner
the ******* has overseen
thousands of racially driven lynchings,
ongoing police brutality
the imprisonment of one out of three black men
and the bombing of black children in their Sunday school dresses.
In Oregon,
the ******* celebrates the sealing of borders,
is embraced by the very groups
who once outlawed black existence
in our very own state constitution,
the same groups
who once dictated the state’s refusal
to ratify the 14th amendment
of equal protection,
and the 15th amendment
giving African Americans the right to speak
at the ballot box
and be heard
by their government.
In the land of the free, the *******
is still tattooed on chests
and ironed to coats
and scrawled on the walls of my classroom.
In our communities
there are
the European Kindred,
the Northwest Hammerskins,
Volksfront,
the National Socialist Party,
and the Ku Klux ****.
And they wear the *******
because they recognize its meaning,
the meaning we all know
the meaning imbedded deep
by the pointed guns of the Einsatzgruppen
Today,
here,
they wear the ******* because they want to swallow the world.
Part 5: In Conclusion
To whoever drew the *******
last week,
last year,
in every year before that
in the bathroom, in the hallway, on my classroom wall and desks.
I forgive you.
Not because I want to
but because Mrs Wygodski would.
I will give you the benefit of the doubt.
I will believe you didn’t mean it.
I will believe you didn’t know.
I will still have hope in your humanity
because what choice do I have?
This is my refusal to become what the Nazis wanted,
what hate groups still want.
That is how I resist.
I refuse to hate you,
I refuse
to hate.
However, now that I’m addressing you directly,
I want to take this moment to make clear
that when I see the *******
this is what I see:
I see Mrs Wygodski,
with her kindness that was like a spring
flowing from somewhere dark and unseeable
and I see her face when she walked into a room with that symbol
and I see the colors of her world bleed out.
I see my missing family members,
who I never actually had the chance to really see.
So I imagine them,
my grandfather’s aunts, uncles and cousins
from a shtetle somewhere in Poland,
erased completely from history, from record, from existence
by ******* wearing men
who forgot how to be human.
Finally, I see my students.
The rest of them,
with their still young impressionability
and their beautiful array of skin colors, backgrounds, ethnicities, cultures
and their intact understanding of love.
They are the hope that our grandparents thought was lost,
and this ******* is their antithesis.
It is the undoing of their sanctity,
it is you spitting in the face of everyone who is not you.
And if you do that intentionally,
if you do that knowingly
and with purpose,
well, that
is unforgivable
This was a powerful poem written by my teacher, Sam. I really loved the power of her words and the mental image it left in my head. Enjoy!
Feb 2017 · 647
Let me Love You
You've been gone for three weeks. Not that I've been counting or anything. "It's not a big deal", you say. As if me losing sleep over you is practically nothing. And for ***** sake, you can't tell me not to worry. You're too important to me. So don't ******* tell me to not worry. Three weeks? You could've called me. I know you're not doing well. But we tell each other everything. Or at least, we used to. I told you I was about to commit suicide and you helped me come out of the hole I was in. You shut me out. You've never done that before. If that ain't a red flag, then I don't know what is. So please. Don't disappear on me like that again. I can't go through that again. I love you too much to let this eat at you. Let me in. Let me be there for you. It's my turn to help you out of the hole you've been hiding in.
Feb 2017 · 201
Road back to myself
I woke up today and I could feel something shift inside me. Something not unlike a weight lifted off of my shoulders. Looking in the mirror, there's a glow to my face; something that hasn't been there in a long time. Scars on my wrist don't stand out as much. My freckles don't stand so stark against my skin. And my body. The sadness and anger had been eating at me; from the inside out. The fragile girl that used to look back at me in the mirror is gone. But I'm not happy. No, I'm still a ways away from being happy. I'm getting there, day by day. And one day, I'll wake up and genuinely be happy. But that day is not today.
Feb 2017 · 322
Her name was Joy
She lived near her home in the outskirts of the country. Blueberry and apple trees grew in her yard. Every afternoon was spent with just the two of them. Sunshine or rain, they didn't care. And the little girl grew up and she never failed to spend time with her. Her name was Joy and the little girl loved her greatly. Sometimes, life got ahead of the girl and she forgot to tell Joy about her day. But she made up for it on other days.
Little did she know that their days were numbered. Joy was sick, very sick. She told that girl, that young woman, she was dying and her time was almost up. The girl didn't quite understand and started crying. But she kept her head up and smiled anyways.
And one day, as she scanned faces for her, she stumbled upon the news: Joy was gone. Gone were the days of wise words and laughter and smiles and warm hugs. But she tried to keep her head up and did her best to smile despite the tears on her face.

Months go by and soon she found it was easier to laugh and smile. And she knew then that she was going to be okay.
True story. It's been almost a year since she passed away due to cancer.
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