complicated words tumbled out of your mouth.
words strung together hastily, tripping over themselves.
you grasped my hands, trying to convince me to stay.
my fingers slipped out as I made to walk away.

I didn’t want you; just liked the thought of someone.
I didn’t need you; you were just an anchor so I didn’t drown.

I didn’t want you; just liked the idea of you.

only a few days since your birthday passed, the second one I’ve celebrated without you here.
it’s strange, uncharted ground for me to navigate without you standing beside me.
missing you doesn’t get any easier, but it doesn’t get harder, either.
almost like I’ve somehow gathered the strength to stand on my own without feeling like I’ll crumple without help.
my daughter has your smile, and her eyes crinkle the same way yours does.
I pray that she has the same grace as you, and that her kindness and compassion mirrors yours.
I promise she’ll get to know you the same way I did.
she makes me want to live, not just survive.
the same thing you had begged me to do, when your impending passing threatened to destroy every last piece of will I had in my body.
i made it, after two years of rebuilding myself, and not running scared of the strength and solidity I found within.
thank you, for igniting that spark, and for all the years I got to learn how to be balanced and kind.

Less than five weeks to go.
Less than five weeks of feeling you stretch and grow in the limited space of my womb.
I can’t wait. I can’t wait to meet you.
Can’t wait for the nights where all you want is me. Can’t wait for the mornings where I’m exhausted from being up all night, but content with baby snuggles.
you were the surprise we didn’t expect, but embraced with open minds and open hearts.
Mom is feeling so tired with the limited mobility she has,  but feeling you move has me filled with gratitude.
I wonder if you’ll look like your daddy and have my attitude.
I wonder if you’ll hate shoes as much as I did as a kid.
Oh the possibilities are endless, but so fun to imagine who you’ll turn out to be when you arrive.

I lay awake for yet another night;
your tiny feet kicking around, looking for more room.
it’s not uncommon for me to wonder how we got here; two pink lines and a heartbeat.
as I still my hand over my ever growing belly, you eagerly meet mine with your steady growing ones.
and despite the aches and pains of contractions, I lightly push against you, anxious to feel you kick me in return.
and even though some days I can’t move through the pain, I love you more each day.
you’ll never know how excited I am to see you.
sweet girl, oh you are something else; someone bound to move mountains and change the world.
For you, my sweet child, are made for something far bigger and better than I ever was.

spring came again, and I find myself wondering how time flies by so fast.
just yesterday it feels like I was holding your hand, and reveling in the time we had left together.
and now, I am left to once again pick up the pieces from the aftermath of a tragedy, one that I couldn't prevent.
losing you was the hardest hit I've taken in years, and it's the one thing that I will never fully recover from.
I don't regret a single moment I spent with you, because those memories are precious and I don't want to forget them.
I spent months being angry and bottling up my feelings because I couldn't comprehend losing you at such a fragile time.
when you said you were ready to go, I couldn't understand the words you were saying.
and it's been almost a year, and I've tried to be patient with myself, just like you advised me to do.
and the sun peeks out every now and then, and I am reminded of how very lucky I was to have you.
Oh how I wish you were here; I think you'd like the way the sun lights up the trees.
Happy spring, you wonderful soul; till we meet again.

Flutters. Butterflies when you text me.
Something in your voice pulls me in
Love. This is for real this time.
Hold me tightly and don't let go.

I remember when it was easy to talk to you.
when I wasn’t scared to tell you I needed you.
but sometimes I wonder why it’s different now.
why you’re so adamant on being strangers.
I’m not sorry for those years we loved each other.
I’m not sorry for forcing the distance with us.

two strangers who used to be in love.
and it’s coming on three years since I left us.
three years of healing and grief and growth.
and I don’t feel like I’m the same person now.

difference between you and me is stark.
you’ll run if I’m in trouble, that’s obvious here.
but I’ll always be here for when you need me.
old habits may die hard but I call it honesty.
because while you’ve been doing your thing.
I’ve been clearing the air with a man who’s gone.

years fly by and I relish it as time goes by.
we loved each other, everyone knows that.
but I never tarnished your good name.
and at the end of the day, I can’t hate you.
I won’t ruin my checkered history with you.

I’ll keep the good memories to myself.
the rest is, I guess you could say is history.
I sleep fine at night, knowing I was honest.
but darling, can you say the same thing yourself?

it’s a year of firsts without you here. thanksgiving is coming up and you’re. not here.
fall and winter don’t feel. good to enjoy without you. and there’s a hole. deep inside that I’ve tried and tried to fill. but there’s nothing in this world. to fill the hole you left. stared the bottle down. cursed this life a hundred times. I’m quick to anger. quick to run when things get hard. **** good at hiding my pain under something else. christmas isn’t gonna be the same. you should be here. hold a spot at the table just. for you and your kindness. don’t want to. start a new year without you. don’t want to start. a new year without you. all the way across. the country far away. from you and the place I called home. grief is. complicated and messy and circular. I wish. I had gone to your funeral. If not to be. with family. but to say goodbye to you. goodbye to you. words I’ll never be ready to say. you were mine. my world. my north star. the flame that kept my life candle burning. love you more. love you most. miss you till. I see you again.

last night I saw you in my dreams.
just as crystal clear as the day you told me you were ready to leave.
An old man told me to be careful what I wish for.
pretty sure I saw Jesus, and grandma, how can that be?
I watched my life pass before my eyes last night.
watched him hold me like he used to, watched us dance around the bedroom like before.
they say life is to short to worry about death.
but what if death is merely a telescope to your life that you can peer into and find the joy?
I woke up this morning with tears on my face.
I wanted to fall back asleep, wanted to see you again and get back whatever time we lost.
last night I saw you in my dreams.
last night I touched your hands and I remembered all the ways you made me smile.
last night I saw him in my dreams.
last night I said goodbye to a love i never thought I would ever let go of.

it's cold outside and I can't sleep. hard not to get stuck in the cycle of thinking that I'm nobody in this city. hard not to think that I'll never be good enough for someone, that all I'll ever be will only ever be defined by what I've done in the past, and not by what I'm doing now.

I've tried running from my past, and it didn't work. I'm facing who I used to be, and I've been working and taking steps to be different and change the way I go about life. I don't smoke as much and I don't drink as much either. but I also don't do yoga. I also don't go for walks by myself and I don't do half the things I used to do when I wasn't doing well. nobody's to blame but me. And I sure wish people would stop judging my person by the things I've done in the past. I'm trying to get better, stop being so mean.

And it's 1.20 in the morning and I can't sleep. I can't shake the feeling that I'll never be enough for anyone around me. I can't shake the thoughts running through my head, clashing against the ones that tell me to keep going. I keep a light on at night, afraid that if I let the darkness swallow me, I'll never arise from the depression that constantly surrounds me. and I don't talk to people about what's really going on because nobody can really help me. you can't save me. I have to do that on my own.

and because of how I've been treated in the past, I'm less likely to reach out and ask someone directly and clearly for help. I would rather lightly vent and then deal with it on my own. because the last time I asked someone close to me for help, they gaslighted me and made it so bad that I honestly thought suicide was my only way out of the hell I was living.

and maybe I look and seem fragile and weak and naive and oblivious to the world around me, but truth is, I notice and I see and I hear just about everything around me. I see the way people look at me, before they know my past and after they learn it. their looks go from sweet and understanding to wary and distrustful. they treat you less like a person and more like unwanted lettuce they don't want in their salad. they say they understand and want to help you move through it, but really they don't want that burden.

They'll swear that they love you no matter what, and then later they'll say sorry, but your past is unforgivable. And you'll say that it's ok, you're used to people leaving you, but in reality, it hurts so bad, you can't tell what hurts more, them leaving, or the harsh reality that nobody is going to ever love you unconditionally.

Love is not unconditional. It always comes with a price, and often the cost of love is a price nobody ever wanted to pay. they say that love is the answer, but it's what kills us in the end. and you might want him to stay forever, but do you really think you can handle paying the price that his love costs? and when he says he'll love you at no price, forever, don't take his word for it. because even though he says it in the beginning, he'll change his mind, and you'll be stuck paying the price while he gets to walk away with barely a scratch on him.

Intertwine your life with mine. Sleepy mornings filled with love. Wrap your arms around me and I’m complete again. Whisper your deepest  desires in my ears. I’ll wake you with a cup of coffee in bed. come home from work late. I’ll run into your arms as if you’ve been gone for days. a life with you is all I’ve ever wanted. I’m in love with the deepest parts of your soul. Love, this the fairytale ending I’ve been looking for.

forgiveness. a word I never thought to apply to the years we spent together. forgiveness. the things you did, the words I said. there’s a million excuses I could give to justify why I never did it. there’s a hundred thousand reasons why I should. healing. we had our own ways of trying to heal ourselves and we hurt each other in the process. healing. the damage that was done in the process is something I’ll never forget. there’s a lot of things I could say to explain away why I blamed you for the pain I was in. and there’s so many reasons why I never showed up to apologize for the way things ended. acceptance. one day I’ll be able to look you in the eye and be okay. acceptance. maybe someday you won’t be a stranger in the same sense. forgiveness. i forgive you. forgiveness. i forgive you.

and here we are, pushing each other once more.
words spilling out, I told you to change your tune. swore a promise to myself, I’d leave the next time you hurt me. and you, telling me you’ll never do it again. careless with my heart, what was I supposed to do next? you stood on my heart, telling me I should put my faith in you, not him. honey, I’m not the girl of your dreams. the minute I told you I was leaving, you said you’d marry me if I’d just put my bags down and stay with you. told you a hundred times that I’m not gonna be a stay at home gal. and my bags are packed and I leave in august. Bout five states away and a three hour time difference. not sure I care what you think anymore since you’ve been talking to three different girls this whole time. so forgive me if the taste of you makes me sick. forgive me if this time, I’m done.

spent my life in a small oregon town.
21 years here and a change is gonna be made.
packing up the home I’ve made here.
memories put in boxes and suitcases.
guess you and I weren’t made for each other.
and this child of mine will never know you.
and I’ll be in Indiana in a handful of weeks.
saying goodbye ain’t easy, but hey you’ll be fine without me.
I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t miss you.
but it’s a lie if I said I wasn’t ready to move.
all I’ve ever wanted was to get out of here.
make something of myself somewhere else.

and a year has flown by.
kisses and racing hearts and sparkling eyes.
laughter and raised voices and growth.
lonely nights turned into late night talks.
where holding each other was a promise.
mornings filled with humor and glee.
sleepy kisses and fingers intertwined.
it’s a good love we’ve created together.
the “windows down radio up”kinda love.
the “pull you closer at night”kinda love.
the“wanna marry you now”kinda love.
we push each other’s buttons sometimes.
we sleep far away in the same bed too.
we don’t let anger rule the evenings.
come morning, we’re curled up together again.

the past few days, i've been drowning in my head.
hoping and praying that i'm not burying another family member.
i've been going through the motions, but it's not registering quite yet.
i smile and laugh, but i can't feel any of it yet.
is this what giving up feels like?
people ask me if i'm ok.
i feel like i'm underwater, but unable to try to reach for the shore.
been stumbling over words and forgetting what i'm doing.
grief is complex and i don't know quite what to do.

hey you. been a minute since i spoke to your ghost. since i trailed my fingers across my skin, pretending it was you. since I played June on my record player. your smile plays in my head. eyes smiling at me from across the room. you loved me with all you had. and honey we loved fiercely and desperately. i know it was hard for you. hard for me and hard for us. we did our best. heaven knows i still love you. we did all we could. and at some point, we had to step back. you're lovely. you're compassionate and you love fiercely without hesitation. this is on me. i did this. i wrecked us. I'm sorry. god knows how I long to call you mine again. come back. run your fingers down my spine. tell me your deepest longings.

to the boy who loved me for years.
hey you. been a minute since i spoke to your ghost. since i trailed my fingers across my skin, pretending it was you. since I played June on my record player. your smile plays in my head. eyes smiling at me from across the room. you loved me with all you had. and honey we loved fiercely and desperately. i know it was hard for you. hard for me and hard for us. we did our best. heaven knows i still love you. we did all we could. and at some point, we had to step back. you're lovely. you're compassionate and you love fiercely without hesitation. this is on me. i did this. i wrecked us. I'm sorry. god knows how I long to call you mine again. come back. run your fingers down my spine. tell me your deepest longings.

i. forgot how to breathe.

my head. is so ******* full.

this. is just so complicated.

life. i don't know how to live.

you. taught me to be afraid.
we. we were two separate people.
i. lived in your shadow constantly.

forgiveness. something i cannot give.
closure. what closure is there to have?
i cannot give what there is none of.

you. taught me the world is cruel.
i. believed that your words were true.
a false sense of trust you embedded.

i tripped over your words all the time.
and you stood by and watched me.
watched as i made a fool of myself.

you laughed when i was sobbing.
told me that i would never be enough.
convinced me i was nothing at all.

you. my shadow, my worst critic.
we. there is no you without me.

you are me.

we are the same.

hello anxiety my old friend.
been awhile since i've given into my old ways.
kinda strange, to be standing on your doorstep.
woulda thought i'd find somewhere else to be.

wild thoughts running through my head.
and i, i didn't even think you still cared for me.
truth is, i'm not the same person i was months ago,
and you, you probably will never believe that ever.

my world has shrunk again, and i gotta get out of here.
desperate for something to balance me once more.
i can't help but cling to the same draining thoughts.
i can't help but close myself off from the entire world.

hello anxiety my old friend.
are you here to once more throw everything in my face?
you're desperate to prove to me that i'll never change.
you've torn everything apart and blame me.

take my hand, love, and just give me some clarity.

it's a relief to be with you.
it's just like breathing in and out.
so natural that i don't have to think twice.
I'd choose you over everything else.

the last time i did this, i was trapped.
i couldn't breathe, couldn't think.
i drank and swallowed pills instead.
i thought dying was the only way i could free myself.

you lead in this dance, but i trust you to catch me if i fall.
i'm not scared of you.
i'll give you all i have and more.

fingertips stumbling over worn pages.

i love you's lost in the wind.

just wait for the sun.

she'll come warm you up love

i woke up this morning and felt something shift inside me.
it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders; it was freeing.
i could breathe easier, think more clearly, and talk coherently.
i didn't check to see if anyone was watching me through the window.

in case you're wondering, i don't think of you much anymore.
my mind doesn't wander to thoughts of you and me and what was us.
my head is less crowded now that i've finally let go of you and me and us.
i sleep through the night, and that had never happened before.

i woke up this morning, and i smiled sincerely for the first time in weeks.
my freckles don't stand so stark against my skin in the mirror.
i'm starting to really love the girl i see in my reflection.
i'm starting to think and to believe that i can and will accomplish my dreams.

in case you're wondering, i'm not the broken girl you used to love.
i don't constantly wonder if i'm enough for anyone anymore.
i don't wonder why you couldn't love me the right way from the start.
and whatever good times we shared, well, i threw them out with last week's trash.
because we never really were in love, were we now?

you didn't make time, you were never really there and i know you never truly cared.
and i was a fool for staying by your side when all you ever did and continued to do was lift me up and then knock me down.
and i'm not a fool for your love anymore.
i moved on to something bigger and better and have no room for you in my life anymore.

last night i dreamed that i was all alone again.
standing in the sand, i watched the water carry you away.
i scrambled to find a hold in the grains, but i tumbled down the dunes.
i heard the seagulls crying, mourning the same loss as i.

that morning, i buried my broken and bleeding heart.
i dug a hole so deep, not even i could rescue and revive it.
shoulders slumped, i walked on glass, my back turned on my sorrow.
i awoke with tears in my eyes, and a ball of dread so big that i felt sick.

intertwine your fingers in mine.
brush your lips over my cheek.
run your eyes over my being.

lay next to me and please don't leave.
promise me this is what we deserve.
that you and me are gonna last.

this is what I've been looking for.
someone to call my own.
a love that i've been denied.

scorned by an ex lover, i'm broken.
and you say i'm still flawless.
deprived of kindness, i'm scared.
you move slowly with me, and love me.

i love you, you wonderful kind man.
you and i fit so well together.
let's keep doing this forever please.

amongst the rain and the wet moss surrounding the concrete,
daffodils push through the cement and the cracks in the sidewalk.
Ever since I left the big city, bits of spring pop through.
Little reminders of why I should stay and not go back to the lights.

i've loved you. since the day i met you.
butterflies in my throat. stumbling.
over words i. didn't know how to say.
farewell love. please don't go forever.
i still want you. but you don't want me.
and did you ever love me. the same.
way i love you. i stand on my own now. i lean on others. but i want you.
farewell love. thank you for it all.

with my hand in yours, you can't stop.
the biggest grin i've seen on you yet.
you. i can't seem to get enough of you.
you're patient with me. even when.
i'm crying on your shoulder. because i still was so much in love with him. you held me and told me you would help me heal.

it's been mere hours since you and I.
mere minutes since we parted ways.
pull me in and push me away you do.
love me and touch me then disappear.

baby, you know I'll love you always.
even if we never cross paths again.
love, my love, we'll meet once again.
and maybe in dreams we'll find love.

it wasn't meant to be, and that's okay.
just know that you're worthy of love.
you're sweet and kind and caring.
you're nothing short of beautiful.

sometimes i wonder.
what would it be like to truly be alone.
would i hate myself all the time?
would i feel super lonely?

and then i remember u holding me.
telling me how much you love me.
and i wonder, maybe u deserve so much more than what i have.

me and you. two things that maybe.
shouldn't be. a love that i want.
but a love that might never be.
i'll fight till i can't stand on my own.
i'll fight till my voice is gone.
if you tell me to go, i'll go.
i won't make you stay if you don't.
but. sometimes i doubt myself.
as if maybe i'm not enough for you.
even though you tell me otherwise.
i'll still wonder if i'm enough.

i walked down the city sidewalk.
amidst the bustle of the cold morning.
those tracks seem so inviting to me.
a bed where I can sleep yet not wake.

i must confess; i almost gave in to it.
almost laid my body on the cold metal.
who would miss me if i never woke?
surely nobody would really care.

forgive me if i've caused you pain.
i'm not sure if love is made for me.

those tracks look so inviting to me.
a place to finally rest and not wake.

Fresh pain carved on pale wrists.

Shadows under green eyes

Tiredness shouts from her face.

             tired of caring
             tired of loving
             tired of believing
             tired of fighting to live

She's too worn out to dry her tears.

To grab the hand that is extended out.

Don't hold your breath.
I'm done fighting for life.
Thank you love for being here.
You were a constant in my life.

Tell the ones around you that you love them.
A day may come where you're unable to do that

Love, you couldn't save me even if you wanted to.

See you on the other side my love.
Maybe it'll be better this time around.
Who knows, we're pretty great in my dreams.

I'll see you in my dreams.

I'm sorry. For the truth I'm to tell.
Please. This is hard for me to say.
But. I looked at my life tonight.
I couldn't find the goodness inside.

I carved fresh pain on my skin again.
Looking for some sort of release.
Searching for some sort of relief.
Not sure if life's worth fighting for.

You're probably disappointed in me.
Angry even.
I can't feel anything right now.
You could strike me and I'd take it.

I called the hotline tonight.
The waitlist was too long.
Instead of waiting, I relapsed.
Ashamed, I'd rather hide my despair.

I'm not sure if I can do this.
I hurt. Everywhere ripples with hurt.

To the people holding out their hands.
Please. I don't want your kindness.
Stop. I don't need your sympathy.

I don't need a shoulder to cry on.
I don't need you to dry my tears.
I don't want your advice or opinion.
I don't want your help.

Leave me be so I can find myself.
Maybe I'd rather be alone after all.

i love you. three words that u should. never tell me because i don't want it.
my head. darling my head is chaotic.
are you sure. you want me still?
even though. i can't control emotions?

i've tried to figure it out many times.
wracked my head for a simple answer.

why would. you want this mess?
i'm nothing special honey.

i'm wild and unpredictable. messy.
i can't even get a grip on myself.
but. for so long i've been trying.
fighting. for the chance to love.
to love you the way u deserve it.

please. don't walk away from me now.
please. take my hand. let me in again.

let me. run my hands down your back.
let me. trace patterns on your skin.
goodness knows. i've been trying hard.

let me show you something new.

a new side. of me and you.

i danced back and forth, looking for a way out.
searching desperately for an escape.
i can feel my skin growing cold.
my nerves are all over the place.

please. don't touch me. i'm fragile.

Hold on for me.
Stay just a little longer.
I am not ready for you to go.

Your aging hands are what keeps me here.
Your words are what guide me.
I need you to stay here with me.

I don't want you to go.
There's so much left for me to show you.
Take my hand, let's make another glorious dinner surprise.
Show me the wonders of your garden.

i laid awake that night.
heart in my hand, wondering.

thinking i made a mistake in.
giving you all i had left in me.

i gave you all i had left.
to someday.

to make a life with you.
to build a future with you.

i am not done with the story.
love is not something i leave.

come. build a life with me.
lets fall in love all over again.

Take this heart, I don't want it anymore.

And take this love, keep it safe for me.

And take this ring, forever don't mean a thing anymore.

I wish I could be ok with everything, but how the **** am I supposed to deal with losing you?

I've never really thought about what it would be like to be apart from someone you loved.

To have the distance between you be like a literal wall separating the both of you.

You kept my demons from tearing me in half, even if it meant staying up late to help calm me down.

It was never about falling out of love; no, falling out of love wasn't the case for us.

We had the love thing down, but in the end, the line got blurred and we couldn't seem to get it right.

And sleeping alone, that will take time on both sides.

And we'll come out on the other side, saying that we got through it just fine.

I couldn't sleep last night.
My thoughts were running rampant and wild.

I laid awake, trying to shut my heart off, knowing I'll never really get us out of my head.

Love, I'll never stop loving you.
You could mess up a million times and I'll always forgive you.

Love, you could tell me I'm worthless and I'll love you anyways.
I don't care what people say.

Love, this is me fighting to keep you around.
Because if I'm being honest, life ain't the same without you.

I relapsed tonight with binging and purging.

Tracing fingers over my skin, I searched for the parts I didn't like.

I worked myself into a state of self loathing.

Hating every inch of cellulite, every stretch mark, my stomach, and my thick thighs.

Feeling disgusted with my image, I forced myself to purge, looking for a way to get rid of the feelings.

Afterwards, I cried because I was embarrassed and ashamed, but mostly disappointed in myself.

I was disappointed because I had been working on this and was doing so well and this felt like a major set back.

I'm ashamed and embarrassed to even tell you because I hate it when you're disappointed in me.

A lot has happened in the last 24 or so hours.

Due to some personal problems, I may be deleting this poetry account.

That being said, I don't feel worthy of anyone's time.

So maybe a break from writing my thoughts is a good idea.

And this is the last time I'll ever see you or talk to you.

I've had enough of this life.

I'm ending it once and for all.

Goodbye, love

Hope we meet again in another life.

I took my ring off today.
The worn metal tells a story.
If you listen hard enough, you can hear every emotion experienced in this love.

I took it off because I felt I wasn't good enough to wear it.

I wasn't proud to be your girl. I wasn't feeling like I deserved you.

I put it back on because I don't want anyone else.
I want you.

But I'm scared in the end, you will decide I'm no longer worth it.