and here we are, pushing each other once more.
words spilling out, I told you to change your tune. swore a promise to myself, I’d leave the next time you hurt me. and you, telling me you’ll never do it again. careless with my heart, what was I supposed to do next? you stood on my heart, telling me I should put my faith in you, not him. honey, I’m not the girl of your dreams. the minute I told you I was leaving, you said you’d marry me if I’d just put my bags down and stay with you. told you a hundred times that I’m not gonna be a stay at home gal. and my bags are packed and I leave in august. Bout five states away and a three hour time difference. not sure I care what you think anymore since you’ve been talking to three different girls this whole time. so forgive me if the taste of you makes me sick. forgive me if this time, I’m done.

spent my life in a small oregon town.
21 years here and a change is gonna be made.
packing up the home I’ve made here.
memories put in boxes and suitcases.
guess you and I weren’t made for each other.
and this child of mine will never know you.
and I’ll be in Indiana in a handful of weeks.
saying goodbye ain’t easy, but hey you’ll be fine without me.
I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t miss you.
but it’s a lie if I said I wasn’t ready to move.
all I’ve ever wanted was to get out of here.
make something of myself somewhere else.

and a year has flown by.
kisses and racing hearts and sparkling eyes.
laughter and raised voices and growth.
lonely nights turned into late night talks.
where holding each other was a promise.
mornings filled with humor and glee.
sleepy kisses and fingers intertwined.
it’s a good love we’ve created together.
the “windows down radio up”kinda love.
the “pull you closer at night”kinda love.
the“wanna marry you now”kinda love.
we push each other’s buttons sometimes.
we sleep far away in the same bed too.
we don’t let anger rule the evenings.
come morning, we’re curled up together again.

the past few days, i've been drowning in my head.
hoping and praying that i'm not burying another family member.
i've been going through the motions, but it's not registering quite yet.
i smile and laugh, but i can't feel any of it yet.
is this what giving up feels like?
people ask me if i'm ok.
i feel like i'm underwater, but unable to try to reach for the shore.
been stumbling over words and forgetting what i'm doing.
grief is complex and i don't know quite what to do.

hey you. been a minute since i spoke to your ghost. since i trailed my fingers across my skin, pretending it was you. since I played June on my record player. your smile plays in my head. eyes smiling at me from across the room. you loved me with all you had. and honey we loved fiercely and desperately. i know it was hard for you. hard for me and hard for us. we did our best. heaven knows i still love you. we did all we could. and at some point, we had to step back. you're lovely. you're compassionate and you love fiercely without hesitation. this is on me. i did this. i wrecked us. I'm sorry. god knows how I long to call you mine again. come back. run your fingers down my spine. tell me your deepest longings.

i. forgot how to breathe.

my head. is so ******* full.

this. is just so complicated.

life. i don't know how to live.

you. taught me to be afraid.
we. we were two separate people.
i. lived in your shadow constantly.

forgiveness. something i cannot give.
closure. what closure is there to have?
i cannot give what there is none of.

you. taught me the world is cruel.
i. believed that your words were true.
a false sense of trust you embedded.

i tripped over your words all the time.
and you stood by and watched me.
watched as i made a fool of myself.

you laughed when i was sobbing.
told me that i would never be enough.
convinced me i was nothing at all.

you. my shadow, my worst critic.
we. there is no you without me.

you are me.

we are the same.