She and I...
We sat on an island alone.
Nobody around her wanted me around.
Nobody around her supported keeping me around.
She got put with me on an island.
She promised me she loved me.
She promised me a lot of things.
We promised each other.
We promised not to let the others get us down.
We promised we could do this...("this" never happened...)
We promised.
We...
When...
When it came down to only us,
I found trust I didn't even know I had.
I trusted her then more than I had ever trusted a **** thing in my life.
I trusted her more than I will ever trust a **** thing in the rest of my life.
I found in her a peace I had never felt before.
I thought her and I were going to build each other up again, together.
I was so ******* determined to help her.
I was going to die before I let her down.
She kissed me. It was the deepest kiss I'd ever had with her.
Next week she was gone.
Next week she didn't love me.
Next week she said she hadn't loved me for a long time.
Next week she didn't love boys anyway.
Next week she had a girlfriend.
Next week I tried to die.
Next week I tried to die.
Next...
Who even gives a **** about the weeks after that because I'm still sitting here alive. Nobody cares about how or if I feel anyway.

Listen children,
Don't ever be me.
Like those motivational speakers who overcame applying liberal methamphetamine,
Or those speakers who robbed people at gunpoint, they come in to tell you what not to do?
Don't ever be me.

Why?
I'm horrible, that's why.

Why am I horrible?
Because I'm horrible.
Wait, no I'm not.
Yes I am.
No I'm not.
Yes I am.

Just, don't ever be me.

The last time you kissed me,
I thought my heart was going to explode.
I whispered "You have know idea what you do to me, dear"
Into your right ear
But it seems you didn't listen
With both hands around your waistline
But you convinced me to believe
It wouldn't be the last time
Until the worst nightmare of my life ensued
How does she taste?
She is sweeter than I.

The last time you kissed me,
I thought my heart was going to explode.
I whispered "You have know idea what you do to me, dear"
Into your right ear
But it seems you didn't listen
With both hands around your waistline
But you convinced me to believe
It wouldn't be the last time
Until the worst nightmare of my life ensued
How does she taste?
She is sweeter than I.

The last time you kissed me,
I thought my heart was going to explode.
I whispered "You have know idea what you do to me, dear"
Into your right ear
But it seems you didn't listen
With both hands around your waistline
But you convinced me to believe
It wouldn't be the last time
Until the worst nightmare of my life ensued
How does she taste?
She is sweeter than I.

What
are
you
doing?
This
Chaos
You've
Created
Is
Really
Killing
Me.

Why
Sometimes
Are
You
Sensitive
And
Understanding?

Why
Other
Times
Do
You
Simply
Not
Respond
To
The
Things
I
Tell
You?

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is what my heart is doing right now

Thump
Thump
Thump
Goes the headache I have

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is the rhythm of my life

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is what my head did into the wall way too many times

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is the definition of my life

Thump
Thump
Thump
Defined by The Free Dictionary
              "The muffled sound produced by or as if by a blow with a blunt object"

Thump
Thump
Thump
Is what my soul did when you dumped it by the wayside

Thump
Thump
Thump
I am the blunt object that hit you
Like kicks in the shins
Over and
Over and
Over until
You couldn't
Stand up

If one word
Could describe me
It would be
Thump

I am so uncomfortable
In my own skin
That I remember
When we were still together
That I told myself if we got married
I would have willingly
Changed my last name to yours
Because I loved you
More than I loved anything
And way more than I loved myself

When this all happened, you said you'd wait for me
Little did I know it was only a lie, you've found another, you've replaced me
I found something special in you, and I thought you'd found it too
When you looked into my eyes the world stopped spinning and time stopped moving
And all I could worry about
Was you

You see, I'm still this way
But you have a different look in your eyes today
I am foreign to you

I am unstable
I am on the edge
I just now
Imagined myself
In the process
Of slitting my throat
The last I'd see
Would be
Crimson Red

Perfect

Don't you remember
When I told you you were perfect
That one time, and the other time, and the time after that,
And every Sunday when you came over for church

Don't you know
That I've always thought you were perfect
But my brain was ****** up over ****
That happened before you came along

Don't you know
That I had trouble, when I told you she ****** me up

****

A fire burns in my heart
For a girl I once called heaven.
Her mom tore me apart
Then the girl took my dusty remains and set me ablaze.

I'm still here.
I cry in my room alone at night and its been now 9 months.
I miss her sweet whispers and her tender embrace.
I miss her cutest smile and the look on her face.

I get sick.
I get so sick.
I get so sick.
I get so ****** sick.
I...
I
She took all the peices her mom left me in and set me ablaze.
She left above me, a faucet delivering a constant drip of gasoline.
She never turned it off...
I keep burning...
And burning...
And my ashes are burning too...
And the powder left from that is burning too...
She's so happy with her girlfriend of six months.
She's so happy...
Does she know what she did to me?
What she did...it was the most immoral thing a girl will ever do to me...
I may never seek out another...
I hate to dwell...but its so disturbing...did she not realize how she was tearing me apart?
I kept saying and assuming it couldn't be her...
But she sure was glad to correct me...
She sure was happy to watch me squirm...
She made deliberate moves, deliberate decisions, said and did such deliberate, inconsiderate and hurtful things.
She knew...
And that's what hurt most of all...
But it was supposed to.

Here I am...getting uneasy at the sight of her face.
I don't feel attracted to it, or her figure, not one bit.
But I keep hoping she'll say she's sorry...
I keep hoping she'll say she'll fix it...or at least try...
I don't think she understands that I gave her everything I had...
There's nothing left for me to build from...she took it all away...
I keep hoping she didn't discard me...
But she keeps laughing and smiling and hopping and skipping and loving...
Loving everything but me.

I keep thinking about the words I want to say to her...if I get the chance.
I keep changing my mind...
"I still love you..." or
"I miss you everyday..." or
"Please come home..." or
"You're the love of my life..."

I imagine she'd call me a creep...

But all that I really am is everything I promised her I'd be.
I am nothing more and nothing less than I promised her I'd be.
I promised her I'd always love her.
I promised her I'd always be here.
I'm still here... but she can't see me.
I'm still here... but she doesn't love me.
I'm still here.
I don't know how I'm still here.
I don't want to be here but here I am.
She tricked me.

If I get taken to court, thrown in jail over this I'll lose my brains

Maybe literally, by gunshot

As if a 17 year old girl can not think for herself,
As if her parents need to use the law to protect her,
From the cancer which is me.

Really though,

I don't care anymore,

I'm numb just like she was when she told me to get over her,

But she's hurting,

I don't want to kiss her,

But I do want to hug her,

For her, because even if I don't feel right now it doesn't mean
Doesn't mean I can't help someone else.
Help them feel again.

For her.

Listen to me for once
You listen but you don't understand

I don't want to go back to the past
There were flaws in the past

The bad was horrible
The good was sometimes flawed

Why can't you see
See the truth in my words

You read them but you don't comprehend them
It's like I'm writing in a language you can't read

And all you see are my ****** expressions
And the tone of my voice and you're all like

Yeah, I understand.
But I can't go back to that.

Like you answered
The opposite of what I'm asking

Because even the poems you reference
Signify changes from the past

Even the rebooting poem
Because it's about a clean slate

Not redoing everything we ** up.

"You treated her like **** and now she found a lover who can actually please her."
"You think you have problems, kid? Life is going to kick you square in the teeth."
"You dwelling and acting like this is just going to make you lose more friends."
"Don't blame your life for your problems. A weak man does that."
"I've already stated my problem, since she left you, you've been acting like an obsessed creep, whether or not you are or not, you've been acting like one."
"You're acting creepy and obsessed."
"It's getting old now. It's been months."
"So you think I was being a ****? I haven't even said half of what I could have."

So I originally wrote a rather harsh poem in that last poem
And its still rather harsh by my eyes
Like I'm so paranoid and I'm so unable
To be mean to you or be upset with you anymore
And I keep crawling to you saying
"No hard feelings" and
"I just want to be friends" (because thats what you say you want but then again I'm blocked on your facebook, blocked on your phone and ignore me in public until I come up and bother you)

That line was too long. It took up two.

I'm rather stupid.
This isn't even a poem.

Malignant
I am a malignant soul
Roaming time and space without a care in the world
I am a disease, the kind of disease that science and medicine don't see
Rotting from the inside out

I tried my hardest to put myself in your shoes.
That was 5 months ago.

I tried harder yet to put myself in your shoes.
That was 4 months ago.

I had to try to put myself in your parents shoes.
That was hard. But I tried. That was 3 months ago.

I watched you pull magic switcheroos as you turned on me like a rabid animal.
That was hard. But I tried to understand. That was 3 months ago.

I blamed myself, and then, you blamed me too. Confirmed, I'm total ****, I guess.
That was 2 months ago.

I couldn't believe how you got with her. You told me it wasn't slow.
It took you 3 days to ruin me. Then you kept going.

And going.

And going.

Around 3 weeks ago, I started watching as you repeated all the lies.
But to her this time. Replaced me.

We talked on Tuesday. I thought it was productive. I thought you finally understood my feelings.
Guess not.

You don't seem to put yourself in my shoes.
You don't seem to comprehend why I feel the way I feel.
How can I be friends with you when you're the love of my life, and running around with her?

You have some new shoes.
I guess you can't find mine.

She said too much.
She made me believe.
And I still want to believe.
But I keep falling and
falling and
falling and
falling into
this never ending abyss
she's created
for me.

Each breath I take is just a little bit harder...
My throat is closing up...
I'm gasping...
Sinking...
Sinking...
The sinking feeling is drowning me...
Help, I scream, help!
Sinking...to the bottom...
Drowning
Dead

It's Sunday
I won't go to church today
I haven't gone to church in a while
Because I miss the feeling of your body
In the seat next to mine

It's Sunday
I don't think I believe in God
I believed when I was with you
But you just kind of had that effect on me
From the seat next to mine

It's Sunday
I'll probably say some prayers
That you'd be like God and forgive me
I miss the person that warmed me
And the cold seat next to mine

It's Sunday
I shooed off the angel sent from heaven
She became the reason I lived and
That angel was a lovely companion
In the seat next to mine

The way you talk about her makes me want to sigh.
The way you talk about her makes me want to cry.
The way you talk about her makes me want to die.

The way I've seen you talk about me makes me sigh.
The way I've seen you talk about me makes me cry.
The way I've seen you talk about me may make me go goodbye.

Bought you flowers
Wasn't supposed to
Too late to mend
But bubble of joy
I wonder, was it true?
It gave me hope
Your bubble of joy
That I had one more chance
But I bought you flowers
I wasn't supposed to
Too late to mend.

She told me she would wait-
She told me she would wait for me.

I've been wondering this whole time-
I've been wondering this whole time, why she didn't wait?

Turns out,
She did wait.

She waited until my lowest of lows,
To take me even lower.

I've told myself over and over,
That if she would just come back, I'd forgive her.

But she wrecked me, after I was wrecked.
She waited until the perfect moment, to wreck me.

She threw buckets of thermite
On my already burning, mangled car.

I guess she just wanted to make sure
There was nothing left.

Nothing left to come back to.

And she's better now. She's happy where she's at.
She can't see me, anymore.

Rivers run
down
my ugly face

Keep crushing me
I'll take it
I'll keep saying I love you
Because that makes you upset

Keep telling me
Tell me I know you better than you know yourself
Then tell me I have the wrong idea about you
That you're not so great and you're horrible

Keep going please
Contradict yourself over and over
Be relieved when I say I don't hate you
But be upset I don't hate you

Keep ignoring my words
You read them and hear them
It's your interpreting that's off
That's why text doesn't work, I get it

Listen to me
I don't hate you
I'll always love you
But you don't even know what I mean

I tried to be your spring,
but I wasn't sure which spring to be.

I tried to be a bouncy happy spring,
but I dropped just like a slinky.

I tried to be a seasonal spring,
but my flowers never bloomed.

I tried to be a fresh water spring,
but I quickly turned to fumes.

I tried to be your spring,
but I found I wasn't springy at all.

It was too late when I realized,
I was meant to fall.

Both our views are distorted
You took some things I said the wrong way
Other things I said were just plain bad

There are so many things I need to tell you
But you won't listen to me
It's lovely when people play mind games with someone

It was wonderful what your parents did to me
That wonderful day in June
I almost committed suicide in my grandmother's basement

I made your life hell after that day
**** me

What's really ****** up though
Is how when I told you
It was horrible what your parents did to me

You took it like I said your parents were horrible
But what you didn't see
Was how I tried to respect their crazy antics

Even after they bullied me
More than kids ever could have
When I was beaten up and spit on

The tears in my eyes fall
Like raindrops on concrete
In the middle of a thunderstorm
On a muggy summer's day
To make myself feel better
I imagine I'm out there
Becoming drenched in the rain
To be able to feel again

The tears in my eyes fell
In the second week of August
I was up until 4
There was a bad thunderstorm
I almost went outside
To lay in the field across the street
In the pouring rain, amid the thunder
That I would be refreshed
That would be reborn
But also wishing
The lightning would strike
And end the pain
I put you through

*** was that last "poem"?
I can't move on
You hit me with your train
I'm just a pile of splatter
You can't stop anymore to clean up!

I check my inbox every 10 minutes
For your replies
And when I see the notification
I have a heart attack

But I loved you
I still do love you
But I'm not allowed
And frankly, I'm scared shitless by you.

Smile
Because you're empty
But pretending to be full

Smile
Because you're supposed to
Even though you're all alone

Smile
Because you're not alone
You're really just alone

Why don't you understand
That I don't want
To move backwards
But move forward

Why don't you understand
That I care about you
More than anyone else
But want to help you move forward

Why is it
That you say I know you
But then tell me
I'm not allowed to know you

Why do you
Tell me I'm your best friend
To then state that you'll never put me in your picture
Why do you tell me

That what's final is final
Because you don't know the future
The future is in the air
Stop finalizing the future, please

When you keep changing your mind
Just to turn your back on me
When I'm not even hurting you
When the past is hurting you

Why can't you
See the past for what it was
Because if you look at the past
There was good and bad

But there was good
So see the good
In the past you pretend to see
And let me back in

Because I swear I'm not that bad
I'm not even that anymore
The bad you remember
I wasn't me

Now I'm me
I swear I'm all good, not even the past good
And you're not going back,
Because we're moving forward

But please
Keep blocking me out
Tell me I'm dreaming for something
That will never happen

Keep crushing my dreams
Then calling yourself awful and horrible
Keep telling me I'm wrong when I say you're great and nice and wonderful
Just so you can call yourself awful and horrible

Every time you hurt me
I'm like
Why don't we hug it out
Why don't we talk it out

Because you think
To make it better
We need to shut the holes in our faces
And forget

So that someday
We can be friends?

Ticks are nasty
Tocks flick them off.

Let me in, to kick me out
Kick me out, to let me in

Tell me the truth as it is right now
But forget to tell me tomorrow will be different

Tell me about yesterday
Tell me you hate it

Listen to me tell you I'm looking at tomorrow
Tell me you can't go back to yesterday

Listen as I suggest you're not so bad
So you can tell me you can't deal with me anymore

Be deliberate in your words
Say them because you know you're hurting me

Try to make me hate you
Deny my offerings of peace

Call yourself horrible when I don't hate you
Because that's totally what I wasted all my breath telling you

Right?

Kick Me Out just like others have
Like
Like that woman did for you
Believe in her
She knows best

You're yourself right
You're being yourself

Then why set double standards
To allow for something

As long as its not me

Hold your grudge
The grudge you don't have

The one you make up
Because you're afraid

Afraid of falling
As if you don't know me

I have nothing to say anymore...
I just want to look you in the eyes one more time, smile, and cry.
You're not mine.
Maybe you're not supposed to be.
Maybe someday you'll come back to me.
You're special to me and dear to my heart.
You permanently scribed your place in it forever.
Little did I know you wouldn't be here forever.
I am fighting a horrible pain, I find it hard to get out of bed nowadays.
I hope you don't mind me loving you.
I hope you realize someday how much I need you. You brought such life to my world...
Like a mother cries as her daughter departs, I will cry for you.
I found true love in you.
You've not just become family to me, you became the reason I lived.
My door is always open, I will always take you in.
I will happily provide you shelter no matter what the situation. I will always be here for you.
I will always be here to love you, if you so wish to come back.
Please understand, I wish I could spend everyday with you.
I'm sorry I thought of every day I didn't spend with you "another wasted".
I should have thought of them as working toward another day closer until the next time I saw you.
I know that my words do not mean what they used to anymore, and while I miss you everyday,...
I hope she treats you well, like you deserve, like I couldn't.  But if she doesn't, I'm here.
If you don't come back anyway, I hope the next person treats you the way you should be.
You're a gem in this world.
I will try my best for you, to crack a smile, as I shed my tears for you.

Some people say
Don't let things get to you
Don't let them bother you

But really people mean
You're blowing things up
Don't blow things up

They mean to be
Tolerant and accept things
Welcome bad things in

Because without bad
There would be no good
Neutral would be bad

They didn't mean
Instead of tolerance
Kick it until it dies

I'm very sick
Mentally sick
Physically sick
Emotionally sick
I'm suffering
Not sick of you
Though you're sick of me
I shouldn't care anymore
But I do
Make me sicker
I enjoy it
Before I know
This sickness will **** me
I'll be gone

I find it pathetic
that I made you
the center of my world
after everything you did to me and
I'm trying to live without you
but it feels so empty and
its even more pathetic
that you still mean the world to me
more than anything else ever had and
I'm not even allowed on your property
so
the situation, it
it finds me pathetic
laughing in my face
I can not pretend
it is laughing with me

Every night I wonder,
Why do I waste my time to write?
I sit and sit and sit before this computer screen and sometimes my pen,
And I write and write and write.

I wonder to myself,
Could she still love me, or has she changed?
I wonder and I wonder and I wonder until finally I tell myself it doesn't matter,
That I'm only writing to keep myself sane.

But what if she would listen?
I mean, could I read her all these things?
I would read and read and read until I've poured my heart out,
It would bring me such solace.

So here I'll pretend,
I'll pretend, that someday her and I,
We could sit down and talk about our feelings, not only a few,
To find the real truth.

Yes, I will pretend,
I'll pretend, that someday her and I,
We'll take turns in our one person poetry slams, with only one poet,
And a judge who doesn't judge.

Our spleens exploded
And I think it killed us.

My hopes, dreams
They were you.

I think I
Love you and
It's hard to love someone
Who doesn't
Love me back and
And
and
and
I think
You're gorgeous
and
I
and
Your mind
I
and
I'm confused
and
and
and
oh

I need you to sit down
And stop blaming me
Because

No I don't deserve to talk to you

Lately I've had an itch
The kind of itch where I keep scratching
Scratching
scratching
scratch

bleed

Lost
In a metaphor
Comparing my heart
To a boy
Drowning alone at sea

Lost
In a memory
Where my soul
Was full, alive, singing
Only a shell remains


Lost
In a girl
Who swiftly fled
From my outreached arms
For another's

I lost her
I lost us
I lost the sunshine, lost the rain,
I lost everything I lived for.
I lost myself.

There was something about a 3 month rule
I vaguely remember
You broke it for me
You broke it against me
You broke me
I will be very vague
I feel betrayed
I feel a lot of things
But I'm a horrible person, at least, in the way I treated you
So I deserve it

Body.

They say water is important
You were important to my survival
You were my water.
You provided me with the water
The water I needed to live

But now in the age of twenty-thirteen
You only left me with "what"?

"wat".

I was misplaced,
Until you picked me up.
But things changed.
You dropped me like a rock.
I am once again,
Seeking a home.
I really liked yours.
You've become home to me.
But you promised me when you dropped me,
That I'll never get to come home.

"It's because it's her."
("And you're not her. So ****.")