How much I really love you.
How much I still love you.
How much I'll always want you.
Because I'm starting to believe that
A love like this is incomprehensible.
I know because I never understood it myself.

Inoutinoutinoutinout
Inhaleholdbreathcountexhale
Inoutinoutinoutinout
Roomspinningroo­mspinning
Diediediejustkillyourselfyou'reworthless
Inoutinoutinou­tinout

So here I sit
At least I know I tried, at least I have that pride
The kind of pride I talked about when I talked about how you've got to love yourself
But at the same time I'm empty
The defeat that one soul feels when they poured their whole heart out into something
I tried

What do you know
I had to row
Through the snow?
The snows blow
To and fro
It lets me know
It's cold out; but so
Is my heart in tow
Of a love that it will never know

**** that noise.
Forget about her.
She's full of ****.
You don't need her anyway.
I can't believe this terrible **** happened to you.
It was all so unfair.
It's been like 10 months. Why aren't you over it?
**** her. Move on.
Wow. What a ******* *****.
Isn't it finally to the point where you just don't care, where you finally say "**** her", and move on?

Will you do me a favor
And do her a favour
Just take me away?

Will you promise to come sooner
And take me to hell
Where I'll finally have something capable of distracting me?

This girl doesn't want me.
I don't want me either...
I've lived a full enough life.

Don't.
Don't bother.
Don't bother to care.
Don't bother to care enough to talk.
Don't bother to care enough to talk to someone like me.
Don't bother to care enough to talk to someone like me who will love you regardless of what you say.
This line is missing.
This line is missing.
This line is missing.
Don't bother.
Don't.

Put me together
Tear me apart
Put me together
Tear me apart
Put me together
Tear me apart

Just like you'd do a puzzle
Its okay
Seriously, its okay
I'm a puzzle okay
I'm a puzzle
Only you can solve me now
I know all my pieces
I know how I need to go
But I am only a puzzle
And I can't put myself together
So please do it for me

Put me together one last time
And then you can walk away

Please don't throw me at the wall
Like you did last time

Please don't kick the pieces under your bed
Someday its gonna get dusty under there and you'll see me again

Put me together
Tear me apart

I am only a puzzle.

Puzzles.

Well,
I can't breathe anyway.
Might as well count to 10 again.
It's not working.

I don't know
Why I care about you
Because everything I thought I know about you
Are turning into lies

But they're not lies to most
They're lies to me
Because you're treating me differently
Like I'm not the same

Maybe I'm not the same
But I'm not trash either
It hurts being thrown away
Because I care a lot about you

I don't know
Maybe I'm just crazy
But I don't know why you're hazy
When it comes to everything you say to me

I tell you I love you
And I really do love you
But you don't even care enough
To respond to me

I'm not saying I'm in love
I'm not in love
But I see you're in pain
Pain I swear wasn't all my fault

I know I'm at fault
But please won't you listen
I'm not the same guy
Who caused you to do this?

What do you know that I don't
"I've been told that you keep messaging my friends"
Does not compute
I have no idea where you were coming from

I howl at the moonlight,
Though no one ever comes.

Wishes never come true
When all alone and blue

How does one win
When he is losing everything

How does one speak
When tragedy leaves him speechless

How does one vent
When he can't even speak

How does one move forward
When he is being pushed backward

How does one live
When he is suffocating

How does one breathe
When he has so many problems

How does one cry
When he has no more feelings

I don't love the past either
I hate the past

The past bothers me a lot
The good and the bad both

But are you really stupid enough
To say that moving forward

Can only consist
Of a future without me

Because I'm not that stupid
Because I know you

You know me
You even call me sweet

If you think I'm sweet at all
Then stop building walls

And let me be sweet to you
Last time I checked you needed that

Oh wait, only from other people
Because you care about me

But don't give a crap about me
Like you can't handle me

As if I'm some cancer

You have been
Such a gift
To my life
And it broke me
To see you go

Breathing is hard.
Every gasp is like I'm barely treading water
Each second is another under the waves
I am gasping for air
My throat is closing
Somebody help me!?!?!

Seeing is hard.
The salt water is burning my eyes and the skies are dark
I barely know which way is up
I'm wiping my eyes in between the lightning strikes
I'm giving up, screaming, crying pretentiously
The sea will have none of it...

I'm giving up.
I just filled my lungs with salt water, intentionally
This is my last goodbye
I sink like a rock
I close my eyes and think a prayer
This is the end.

Why is it
That my whole life
I've been influenced by bad things

Why is it
That when I repeat those bad things
I get judged by one chance

Why is it
That when I finally learn
Is the time where people give up on me

Why is it
That they condemn me and make their final judgements
When I'm running back with the fix

Why is it
That the door slams shut on me
After I finally realize how to walk in

Why is it
That I realized distance was necessary
Just for you to make the distance permanent

Why is it
That your mom said we could fix ourselves
But now you've decided even she was wrong

Why is it
That the qualities you find in her
Are only qualities I found a second too late

Why is it
That the world is so cruel
To give the both of us such horrible lives

Why is it
That the environments we grew up in
Were nothing to teach us what to do

But only what not to do

I'm dead
I'm dead not because of you
And I've not really blamed you
Though I just read a poem you wrote where you thought I blamed you

Your mother
She's not all that bad
She was just really bad to me,
Sometimes

Kind of like I was bad to you,
Sometimes

She killed me
Like I killed you

But I became
The child
Who gets bullied
Who grows to be a bully

I've made such mistakes
But I need to clear some things

In those two weeks I ignored you
I reflected too

And when I came back
I tried so hard

Not to fix you
But to fix myself

Because as you very well know
I was the broken one all along

Except now that I've fixed myself
You've left me to die

For real this time
So if there's anything I can blame you for

It's for locking me up now
Imprisoning my newly freed me

I still don't blame you though
Even though you stuck with me

Until the moment
I was fixed

That you led me on through the process
But once I got to the finish line

Told me there was no race
After all

I sit now alone with my mind
Wondering if I deserved what I got

If I deserved the threats
The phone calls

Getting the **** scared out of me

But I don't wonder one second

That you deserved anything I did to you
But if only we were left alone

Maybe it would have been different

Except now I don't even know
If I can say that because it sounds like I'm not taking blame

But like I said outside your car window
I've become you

I don't know what's okay to say
Or what's okay to feel

And I won't let someone help me
The way you're letting her

I mean I will and I am
I've found someone who's been through similar

She's really cool and
I've become a great friend with her

But I'll not let myself fall in love
Because I have more respect for you than that

I have more respect than to act like
What we had was a fools game

Because I can read between the lines,
I tried to see both sides

But sometimes thats hard
And it's really ******* hard

I thought you had more respect for what we had
Than to dump me that way

I thought you had more respect for it
Than to jump into something new so fast

I thought you'd at least be mindful
Of what you spent so much time

Making me believe
That you'd be waiting for me

Like I'll always wait for you
After all

This isn't the way you wanted me to move on at all
And I'm not really moving on because if you'd stop all this madness
I'd be very happy and much satisfied
But it would hurt you and it would hurt her
Because you made a mistake
You know I didn't deserve this
But at the same time, you like it too
But when you're doing this
What do you expect from me
And why don't you understand what I expected from you?

I'm wrecked
What just happened
Why is the a-pillar of my car under my left shoulder
Why is there glass in my face
Why can't I move my legs
Why is the car upside down
Why is it on fire
Why is my forehead bleeding into my eyes
Pretty cool

I don't want to see her anymore

I don't want to hug her or talk to her

I don't want to see her point of view anymore

Because all she does is condemn mine, blame me

...

Or maybe I'm trying really hard

Maybe I'm trying to find closure in the way she cut me off

Maybe I'm trying to make things up

Maybe I'm trying to say, "Hey, I'm sorry. No hard feelings. I know it's hard for you too."

...

But I'm starting to realize

It's becoming all my fault

I'm starting to

Give up

Many nights
I
Sit, still hoping

It's 4 PM
I close my eyes
And I breathe
I turn off the music and the TV
I put down my book
And I breathe
Telling myself I need you
But I force myself to stop
And I breathe
I wish I could make you believe
You didn't make me happy, because

You were my happy

And I breathe
It's up to you to decide
I know that and you have
And I breathe
I just have to hope
You may change your mind
And I breathe

Walked into the room
Where you were talking
With a friend of ours

Asked if I could talk to you
Your face turned sour
You got really scared

Asked you to hold out your hand
I grabbed my gel pen and drew
A heart in black ink

Your face enlightened
In such a way I hadn't seen in a very long time
And you hugged me so tightly

I told you that I'd have my pen
Waiting for the next opportunity
To draw a heart in black ink

On your hand to remind you
I'd always love you
So that when I wasn't around

You'd be able to smile
Just like I did on the days
You drew one on mine

I turned to that friend
She assured me
That things would be fine

Little did I know
Nothing would be fine
That my pen is still waiting for round 2

I made some promises
That I'd love you forever
That never leave your side
That I'd never betray you
That you'd always be my best friend

I made some statements
That you were the love of my life (actually, you made that one first, you really pulled me in with that one)

...why should I even finish this poem

They say time heals all wounds
If so
Then
Why are my wounds getting worse

Why is it becoming harder
Everyday you get better
Everyday I get worse
Soon I'll be...

A lie was once told
They turned the backs against me
Nobody looking

Love me, and I'll love you

No, wait. I don't want to say that.

How about

I'll love you unconditionally like I said I would

And you can do whatever you want with me

I'll always believe in you.

Hopelessly.

I want you
To come here
And ******* ****** me.
For real

You could have loved me,
But you left me to die.

Lately
I don't do very much
Except sing
Love songs

But I've thrown up
So many times
My voice is raspy
And it's hard to sing

I like to sing
Which just reminds me
How stupid I've been
In the past to you

I would have loved more than anything
For you to tell me you loved me
On Christmas
But you don't love me anymore
You just want to make sure I don't die
So you don't have to blame yourself

I just apologized for something that really wasn't even my fault
I apologized because I know you felt bad
I apologized because I'm just trying really hard to be understanding

But don't you understand I was upset too...
I'm upset every day over you, because of what you did too
I swear I just told you

But all you could say back was

"I forgive you."

Here goes another panic attack, I'll surely sleep well tonight.
Don't apologize. You're right.
I ******* ****

This is the most I can remember of a poem I flushed down the toilet.

Our love is a rose
Every day
For the past few weeks
Our love has been a rose
Deep red with thorns and
Painful to hold onto

Our love is a rose
The greatest flower
It bloomed so beautifully
Except we're bleeding
Holding onto the thorns

Our love is a rose
It's been a wonderful gift
But we cut our tongues
Our mouths bleed agony
The pain of words I can't take back

And I'm just a ****** boy.

They say that time heals all wounds
But you'll always have scars

They say that we learn to get over things
But we never forget

This poem will go unfinished
Though it has a lot of potential

Maybe time will let me write
A good ending to this poem

It's like I killed someone,
The person I loved more than anything,
The girl I wanted to be with forever.

It's like I'm a murderer,
I murdered her feelings and soul,
So now she's building a new one with someone else.

It takes a while for a dead soul to come alive again,
I don't know why its any surprise to me,
That she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

Die
"Go f*ck myself"
No, I'm not writing the rest of this
I don't even have a will to live
Why would I have a will to write this

Panic panic everywhere
Everything is alright
Except my head

I've become too self aware
To do any of that ****
To you
Anymore

I've become too self aware
To do any of that ****
To you
Anymore

I've become too self aware
To do any of that ****
To you
Anymore

I am hurt
I am hurt more than you know
Some of it is self inflicted
Some of it is not
I am hurt very badly
Not sure if I will recover
Not that it matters anyway
You care but
At the same time, don't

I love you
I loved you
I'll love you
I love you
I loved you
I'll love you
I
I
I
I
I
I
...
f*ck

Do you remember when I called you
The best medicine for my headaches?
The cure for my pain?

I almost forgot myself

Writing
Used to come naturally for me, until my world turned upside down
Failed my college English course
Started writing poems, cut through my issues like butter
Flowed from my brain like a one way train to a promised land

Writing
I don't even know what to write about anymore, I've become so dead
It kept me alive, I'd get these thoughts and have to put them down
On a napkin, on my hand, wherever I could at the time
They were my release

Writing
I don't know what to write anymore
But I'll keep on trying
Because maybe I'll write something
To solve this problem too

Well I wonder
What does she think of me?
Well it's clear
She doesn't think of me

In all of the great ways I used to know

Well I ponder
What all she thinks of me?
But my fears
Are that she sips her tea

While burning all my pictures in a row

Why am I here
If I'm supposed to leave?
Why is she not
Standing next to me?

Well I guess I'll never know

And that I'll never get to show
How I would love her, All my ducks in row
Though I never was a crop to sow
But I guess I'll never get to show

My love to that girl
That I used to know

I took the last 5 minutes
To find some grace and hope

I'll be okay.
Carry on

Sometimes I wish I could sleep
Forever, so that I could dream
So I could dream the dreams I keep dreaming
So that I could dream of you

Reality has become a nightmare for me
And I just try to dream
Except when I have those dreams
I awake to a nightmare I forgot to expect

So here's the truth,
I've been through a lot,
I've made so many mistakes
Mistakes I'll forever regret

I'm sorry

Do you even know what its like
I'm suffering

Things are moving up
There is no going back
There is no going down
Only going up

But I'm still up
At 4 in the morning
Just like I was last night
Only like the last fifty nights