So I've got this story...
And it goes a little something like this-

There's a girl that I hurt really bad on way too many occasions that I love more than anything. Pretty much everything I write on here is about her. She became the love of my life, and I told myself she was the one I wanted to spend my life with. Except I was a ****. She was going somewhere to an event that lasted 2 weeks and was really important to her and let's just say I ****** it all up really really bad. She made a lot of friends there and it was a great experience for her, kind of like camp is for some people, how boy/girl scouts are for some people, and she learned a lot there, and had lots of fun too. I was so horrible to do what I did.

At least we're young though, and there's still time to grow...right? I'm only 18, she's almost 18, and we both have lives to live ahead of us. I feel like I need her though. She treated me perfectly in our relationship. I mean, looking back, there's nothing I can fault her for, at all. I just got ****** at stupid crap that doesn't even matter.

Except, she's into somebody else now and probably thinks I'm no good for her. She doesn't talk to me anymore. Anyway, I'm rambling, I haven't gone to bed, I took a bunch of pills, am getting sick, and it's 7 AM...so here goes. This story is somewhat censored, though.

_________________­___________
"The Worst Weeks of Our Lives"

I met this girl and she became the love of my life. She took me places I'd never gone before and her and I fell in love like some people wouldn't believe. Ask my friends. Ask her friends. No, her friends probably wouldn't admit to it anymore. But I choose to remember the things they said. Kids were like totally rooting for us all day every day. We were so perfect. It was great.

So with a few mistakes here and there, (mostly me...all me, really) we realized we weren't perfect. But it didn't hamper out love. Nobody is perfect, right? We realized that. Overcame.

But then, we went too far. Her parents drew lines we weren't supposed to cross. Oopsies. Her mom really put me in my place. I'll just leave it at that. Asked me when my 18th birthday was, so she could mark her calendar as the "day she could touch me". Told me I was a liar. Husband in the background drunk and screaming, as usual. Except screaming "that ***** ain't sorry. He ain't ******* sorry, ******* ******* marking up my ******* daughter I can show him how to be ******* sorry"

Lots more. I'll go crazy if I speak the rest. It was a hickey on her neck. We didn't do much more.

I got really scared. I mean, they were brutal. I wasn't used to that kind of brutal. Psychotic levels of brutal. All of the sudden I became numb. I stopped being so intimate with my girlfriend. They told me not to come around their house anymore. I started doubting myself. If I was any good for her. She cried and cried. Told me how sorry she was. For getting us in trouble, and for what her parents did. But it wasn't her fault. After all, I am the vampire that bit her neck.

After a few weeks, her parents dropped it completely. I didn't though. I was so traumatized. I'd been getting flashbacks. Nightmares. So scared, I was. I kept avoiding her, not only her parents. I mean, I didn't have a car anyways, so the only place I could go to see her was at her house. She reassured me I was allowed. But with no contact with her parents since the phone call that changed my life I was reluctant.

This was around 2 months before she was going to go to a 2 week event. A special event to her. One I'd even wished I'd gotten involved in. Really, I did wish. I just missed the application deadline. Throughout the next two months, we grew more and more distant. I was harsh on her. I hurt her. I'd get mad at her and then call her and talk to her until 3 in the morning. I made her hate herself, and then she felt bad about me feeling sorry too. "You always force yourself to be nice to me just so I feel better, but I'm ****, I'm trash, I'm nothing, I'm so sorry" she would say. Most of the time, she didn't even do anything wrong. One of my best friends died at the same time her parents killed me inside, I spent all my days sleeping and crying and when I wasn't doing that, I was getting angry at her (and quickly regretting it), manufacturing conflicts that were completely unnecessary. Not to mention I'd had health issues, and my parents kicked me out of my house a few months beforehand.

In the time before she left to her special event, I really tore her up. I said the dumbest things I've ever said to someone in my life. I'd never even said such dumb things to even an object, or myself. Why I would say them to a girl who saved me from suicide (I was very unstable and depressed when coming out of a bad relationship, and getting kicked out of home) and why I said it all to someone I wanted to spend my life with I'll never know.

The dumbest things I'll ever say to anything that breathes in my lifetime. I told her one night that the "only reason I was still with her was because if I left she'd hurt herself" (she had a history of self harm, even though she's the sweetest girl I've ever met) and another night I told her "If only she were going somewhere important I'd understand" and lots of other insensitive and selfish things that I can't even believe came out of my mouth. I mean, the whole basis of it was that her and I hadn't spent much time together (really because of my own selfish fears) and I was going all *** on her testosterone-fueled-rage style for days over and over and over.

Don't I sound like a horrible person? I was. I was horrible to her. As much as I hate to say it, I'll probably make similar mistakes again someday - It's like relapsing - but I'll make every effort I can to learn from my horrible past and never be that person again.

So when she went to the event, I was with my grandparents out of state and I downloaded my favorite sad playlist (Staind, great band) to listen to on the trip.

Yes, seriously. I told her that stuff and called her event unimportant and then I went away too. How stupid I was for what I said. I should have been slapped or something.

A day or two after I'd left, I realized how stupid it was of me. For the whole thing. That whole time. That whole span, those two months where I not only neglected her, but emotionally ****** her.

There's a song called "Tangled Up In You" that has the most wonderful and intimate lyrics and I listened to it and sung to it over and over and over late into the morning (I'm talking 3-4 in the morning) every night for like 10 days and along with a song called "Right Here" by the same band. I cried myself to sleep so extremely ashamed of what I'd just done to her.

I knew I was wrong, but what I didn't know was that she was crying her eyes out wrapped up in (someone else)'s arms at that event...
I didn't know she was getting all kinds of love and support.
I had no idea...not that it was bad, it was good because she needed it.

But it got her to thinking about me, what kind of person I was.
When we both got back, I started making more of an effort to spend time with her and go out of my way to talk to her, make her happy, and basically, stop being such a ****.
Except she just got confused and conflicted because she was numb and falling out of love, because I was nothing that anyone should love, to her, over that prior time.

Her mom broke us up about a month later, after some...you know what, I'll just leave that bit out...
I told you how the first phone call went. The phone calls I got from her and her husband in the end were just so much worse. I don't even want to think about them. I went into convulsions and kept dropping the phone.

I went back to these two songs to help keep my sanity and I belted out "Tangled Up In You" every day in my car... so loud I was losing my voice.

I'd had some communication with her, surprised her at her work one night, bought her flowers, wrote her my true feelings on some napkins, showed up when she got out of school one day, when she was deathly afraid, and surprised her with a smile and drew a heart on her hand...

Her and I were on the same page. She still loved me. She was just hurt. I still loved her. I was just trying to make up for the compromised mental state I spent so much time in. I had compromised hers too. I needed to get her out of it. She told me she would wait for me. That we were in a speed bump, that it would all be okay.

So some weeks passed, a month, and she still had my back. As strong as ever. Her parents found out I bought the flowers. They found out I'd been talking to her. But...

Knowing she still had my back, that she still loved me, and that she would wait for me...she called what her mom did (in breaking us up, in our break) a "speed bump"...I was okay with it. I mean, I really wanted to be a part of her life, but man, her parents HATED ME! (In retrospect, probably with good reason. Shame on me for the things I did to her. Really.)

We had some major issues (mostly due to my inability to shut my stupid mouth) and I decided that maybe some time to ourselves to focus on ourselves and think was a good thing. She could focus on loving herself again and I could focus on becoming a better person.

I mean, when her parents found out her and I were still talking to each other after they broke us up, they blocked my number on her phone, went to my church and made up extra stories to my pastor, (told him I'd came and banged on their door at one in the morning one night), when I called to apologize to them they didn't pick up, called me back later to cuss me out and hang up on me, logged into their daughters facebook account and blocked me, then told their daughter that I had called them when she was sleeping and cussed them both out, and that she was to have nothing to do with me again. They threatened legal action against me, too. Tried to make my life hell. They didn't want me around their daughter, ever again. A blind rage that went on for a very long time until every communication route was blocked.

She went to school and told her friends the false stories her parents told her, and her friends already didn't like me...I mean just look at what I had done before...it wasn't good. Not for me, anyway. Also her. She felt duped. Used. By her parents. She didn't know who to trust or what was real. Everyone was telling her how horrible I was.

I got a chance to talk to her one day. We talked for hours, face to face. Sat in the cold and talked. It was an amazing talk. We caught each other up completely on our lives. We talked about our love. Our past. Our emotions. All of them. Good and bad. But we told each other we'd always love each other. She stuck by me, and also reassured me that she always would. I left that conversation feeling so secure. The most I'd felt since way before I'd become a total **** to her. When her and I were so deep in love.

She's always wanted to go far away from college. She told me stories of her past and what her parents did to her, what she did to herself that were not good. Not good at all. She wanted to get away from her parents.

Meanwhile I was so caught up in the feelings she gave me when I was in her arms, I almost couldn't handle the fact that she wanted to leave. I pleaded for her to stay, in a time that her and I were both unstable and it was already taboo that we were even on the same property. But still, she said "she wanted to stay" because her and I work so well together...when we work together, that is, and I and her were both determined to work together. I told her I would do anything for her. In all of it though, I told her that the decision was in her hands and I would still love her the same if she left, and that I would wait for her. Because I loved her more than anything.

After that talk, things got quiet. I guess, too quiet. I was legally bound to stay away from her. I talked to someone she worked with and asked them to tell her hello for me. I thought though, we were on good terms following the talk, I thought she'd be elated to hear from me.

She never responded.

One day, a couple weeks later, she told me I really needed to get over her. That she didn't love me like that anymore. She told me she'd been falling out of love since the summer, and she'd gone crazy and needed space. She said she wanted to be friends, but no relationship. No relationship anymore. She said she couldn't handle it. She said she couldn't handle a relationship in general.

She made that message a bit accusatory. I'd been talking to two friends, one who I'd known for years and a new one I'd just made. Both overlapping friends with hers. Those two helped keep me sane.

She started that message with "I heard you've been messaging my friends, and to be honest, I haven't had the heart to message you back." She repeated multiple times that I needed to get over her. She told me that it wasn't anyone else's influence too. She even listed people. People who'd separated us. Hurt me. Hurt her, in a way, but encouraged her in others.

At the same time, she blocked me on facebook again. She had unblocked me when she found out her parents did it for her. Odd though...I thought she wanted to be friends. I mean, it was like the only way I was able to have her in my life at all. To read her facebook posts and her read mine. To have discussions with friends. We have a lot of overlapping friends.

Man, she killed me. One second I thought she was my soul mate and the next I was in the bathroom puking my guts out because she was telling me we'd never be together again.


So fast forward to today...I still love her. And she's basically in a relationship with someone else. She's also either on the fence about her sexuality, or decided she doesn't like boys anymore. I feel bad about that too. Its like I ruined male relationships for her. It's only been a few weeks since she told me I needed to get over her. She doesn't talk to me anymore. I go to high school events even though I graduated last year just to see her. When I don't approach her, she ignores me. I'm just another person in the room. When I do approach her, she has such a scared look on her face. She doesn't want to talk to me, but she can't be mean to me. She's falling in love with someone else and she's getting happier. She doesn't need me showing up everywhere just to depress her.

Yet I keep bothering her. Because I'm a sucker for her. I can't help it. I love her. I want her to be my future. But at this point I'm grasping at straws. So hard. I shouldn't be trying anymore. But I'll end up trying until the day I die. And only then will I stop believing in her and I. I know it's a pipe dream. But I'll hold onto it. Because it's the only thing I have left of myself now.

Last night, (I mean, right before I wrote this around 5 AM, it is now 8 AM) I played those two songs again. I forgot they were at the end of my playlist and I started shivering and crying my eyes out. I got chills. I got so cold. The tears just ran. They ran down my face faster than I've cried in a long, long time.

I'm only okay right now because I took a bunch of pills. Pills that have this kind of effect on me. They make me kind of numb. Kind of happy. Upper and downer both.

That's pretty much, my sad ending to a sad story.
I'm living the kind of life that only people like Shane Koyczan know how to explain to people.

Ironically, she loves Shane Koyczan.
I do too.
We grew up in broken homes and lived broken lives until we found each other.
Then we broke each other.

But she's falling for someone else, because I wasn't what I should have been to her, and she knows
But she doesn't believe in me anymore, the way I believe in her...because I wasn't what I should have been to her, and she can't hold onto me when I'm a 50/50 chance, of bringing her down again.
If only she would let me hug her again, kiss her one more time...I could die happy, knowing I poured all my heart and soul out into that last kiss.
But I'm a gamble. And she can't put her heart out on the line for someone who wasn't always good to her. She used to call me her "sweet boy" and she still tells me I'll always be her "sweet boy", but the fact of the matter is, it doesn't cut it to only be sweet s

Sometimes I wonder why I adore you.
You probably wonder why I adore you too.

Some people might say something like,
It's because I like the way the light hits your face and your hair is perfect even on bad hair days.
It's because you're so beautiful.
Every inch of you is gorgeous.
Your body is magic.
I like when you put your hands in all the wrong places.
You're the perfect height for me to kiss your forehead.
That your lips are nice too, and you're a perfect kisser.
That your smile is flawless.


Or maybe it's really because,
I relate to you better than anyone else on earth...
You're beautiful on the inside. If I could only have you back in exchange for going blind...
Every inch of you is gorgeous, but the person inside of you is what I can't let go of...
Your mind is the real magic, you were never just a pretty face to me...though your face is very pretty.
I like more when we had intellectual talks about things, so much more than the ******...
That while I love the taste of your lips,
I don't need them to survive...
That I can see the pain behind your smiles, but I see the joy in the real ones too...

I adore you because I love all of it.
In one view, you are only a lover...
In another view, you're the best friend I've ever had...
I'd do anything to have you back in my life again...
Back in my arms again...
Because I'd take you as a sister if I had to...
I'd stay away from your lips, though, I'd wrap you up in my arms, for you deserve the warmth,
Because you deserve as many hugs as you can get...and
I'd kiss you on the forehead because you mean something to me, and I'd pretend it's nothing more...

I love you.
I need you.
I want you.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.
I'll do anything.
I'll climb mountains.
I'll be waiting until the day I die for you.
If only you would see...
That I'd still come visit you
When you're out on your own,
Or someday when you're with your husband,
That I'd hide all my pain,
If you'd only let me back in...
Because I love you.
I love you with the kind of love I'll never be able to explain to you.

I don't have to wonder why I adore you. I cherish you more than anything, for good reason.
But you surely don't feel the way you used to, anymore.

lolwut
man
**** u
u kno wat its like 2 have swag?
no
u don't
cuz you nothin' *****
i got fittie dolla bills out da ***

I bet you never got to know
That I wasn't always depressed
I was always narcoleptic

Every time I told you I didn't feel good and couldn't see you
I wasn't depressed
I was narcoleptic

That message in March
Where you said you even loved when I was so depressed I couldn't get out of bed
I was narcoleptic

I couldn't help it
People never understand, it's like how you feel when you've been up for days
I was narcoleptic

I could sleep 12 hours
And not feel refreshed, because my sleep doesn't heal me, like it heals you and others
I was narcoleptic

I know I took those stimulants
But they made me edgy and nervous, and I turned into a ****, so I didn't take them but
I was narcoleptic

You see, those stimulants, Vyvanse
Made me feel like I'd been up for days but running on 2 pots of coffee because
I was narcoleptic

A man who has been up for days
Is not often the most polite and I hated being impolite so I stopped taking them but
I was narcoleptic

So I spent my days sleeping
Sleeping till noon, then needing to sleep at 3 PM, until 10 at night and then until noon because
I was narcoleptic

Your stepdad said he wouldn't stand for that "crap"
But I couldn't help it, I wanted to see you more than anything and I knew it hurt you but
I was narcoleptic

Not only am I narcoleptic
I think I have fibromyalgia just like my grandmother, who loves you too, I think,
I have fibromyalgia.

Today I'm still narcoleptic with fibromyalgia
But I've found a cure, a mix of two pills, one for the narcolepsy and one for the pain
One pill is designed for nothing but narcolepsy (not ADHD) and the other a narcotic for the pain
You'd have no idea how much better I feel than I did before
You'd have no idea because you don't care to learn who I am
Because I'm not who I was, I'm refreshed, something new, I'm normal for once
Not just feeling bad, not just tired and sore and fatigued, not so depressed I can't get out of bed

Just narcolepsy and fibromyalgia.

Loving yourself
Doesn't mean be self absorbed
Doesn't mean be a total ****
Because you need to love yourself

Loving yourself
Is recognizing you're human
And that you make mistakes
And that it's okay to make mistakes

Loving yourself
Is when you mess up really bad
When you say the wrong things
But you go back to try and fix them to validate you're not a *******

Loving yourself
Means that when you go back and try to fix things
And you aren't able to fix things
You lift yourself up anyway because you know you tried to fix it

Loving yourself
Doesn't mean tiptoeing
Around what bothers you
It means you face your fears and realize it's not the end of the world to fail

Loving yourself
Is realizing that the first step to success
Is failure
That falling is good because you try again until you get it right, not give up

Loving yourself
Is having persistence
To prove them all wrong
And not get upset when you can't because sometimes you can't

Loving yourself
Is admiring your trying
Because you should be proud that you try to make things right and you try to make things better
Not only for me, but for yourself, because it bothers you too, to be so mean

Loving yourself
Doesn't mean you look down on others
It means you accept everybody, even your enemies, those that hurt you
You just don't look down on yourself

Loving yourself
Is when someone tells you you're horrible
But you know better than what they say because you know you try and you try so hard
You stand tall but

Loving yourself
Doesn't mean you're better
Because everyone is human and you make mistakes too
You don't hate on the bullies because they hurt just like you and you won't make the mistakes they do

Loving yourself

You taught me
That I am a lost cause.
Please do not let me trick you...my self worth now falsified,
I'm not worth wasting a thought, or a breath, or a single moment over...
Worthless.

Dear Girl,
I really really love you, yes I do.
Not like it used to be, I'm no longer "in love",
It's something different, that I'd never felt before,
But I really really love you,
Dear Girl.

Dear Girl,
I really really mean it, yes I do.
Not "in love" like I used to be, I'm something else,
It's so strange, and I've never felt it before,
But I really really love you,
Dear Girl.

Dear Girl,
I really really mean it, yes I do.
Not like I used to be, I've changed a whole lot,
It's different, my heart doesn't want "in love",
But I really really love you,
Dear Girl.

Dear Girl,
This poem was a long time coming,
But I wrote the story when I didn't know how to be me,
Now wrote the poem when I grew some brains,
But I always really loved you,
Dear.

Sweet Girl,
You didn't deserve those late nights,
Where I killed your insides, when I made you cry and cry and cry,
They made you love me less, they made you numb, and you fell out of love,
But I really really loved you,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
I've never been anything you deserve,
You had to pick me up off the floor, and it was more than you needed,
You pieced me together, but the person before you, she sabotaged me,
I had a destruct button you couldn't see,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
Neither of us saw it,
We both thought I'd healed, from the awful things that happened to me,
You didn't get to see, but the person you were, you stayed with me,
When I became a nuclear disaster,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
I try not to blame,
But you'll never understand how your mother was the Tsunami and Earthquake, and I was Fukushima,
We both didn't see it, but I was a nuclear plant, and meltdown waiting to happen,
The damage was too great, that June,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
I never understood,
Even my own actions, because I loved you from the start, and I don't know what happened to me,
But in times before you, people built me, and you just became the new plant operator,
You didn't know I was so unsafe,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
Nuclear plants are rather safe,
They just can't handle Tsunamis and Earthquakes, because they're made of materials that crack,
Under that kind of stress, I didn't just crack, I crumbled, I began melting down,
But you didn't know and I'm sorry,
Sweet Girl.

Sweet Girl,
You've been through a lot,
The Tsunami was hard, but you didn't know about the radiation, that it would destroy you,
You were mutated by the horrible conditions you had to live through,
But you didn't know and I'm so very sorry,
Sweet Girl.

My love,
You didn't know it,
But we were both reactors waiting to blow, disasters waiting to happen, to cause destruction,
We mutated each other until we didn't even know who we were,
I'm so very sorry, so so sorry,
My love.

Poor Girl,
I really really try today, yes I do.
Not like I used to try, but now I try to be strong, and not a nuclear reactor but more like carbon fiber,
But carbon fiber is brittle, since you killed me inside,
But I forever love you,
Poor Girl.

Poor Girl,
You've cleared your rubble,
Growing to be the most amazing and beautiful of skyscrapers, you're an inspiration for the world, you know,
You're so much different, standing taller than you'll ever know,
But skyscrapers can fall too,
Poor Girl.

Poor Girl,
You make yourself content,
Being alone, you tell yourself that alone doesn't mean lonely,
That you find peace in the solitude,
But solitude is an empty thing,
Poor Girl.

Poor Girl,
We can pick each other up,
You don't even know, it's not the same kind of picking up that we tried before,
This picking up can only go up,
Because we don't even care to feel sad anymore,
Poor Girl.

Poor Girl,
You don't even know, how much I want to kiss you,
But it's different than before, it's more like the kisses mothers give to children,
When their children are crying, the kind of kisses that make great statements and tell stories,
The stories only kisses can give,
My girl.

So over the last two hours,
I've been writing these poems
So I could stomach
My Spaghetti.

So I've been really sick lately,
I've lost a lot of weight
But I write these poems so I can eat
My Spaghetti.

Meanwhile,
I didn't realize that
I'm becoming less cold inside, but not
My Spaghetti.

After two hours,
My stomach is ready
For food that's no longer appeasing
My Spaghetti.

Good morning,
It is 2 AM and I haven't slept.

Good morning,
I hope your new significant other greets you with a wake-up text.

Good morning,
Since your mornings are great, waking up to her...

Good morning,
No wait, I realize you don't like me...

Good morning,
Today's another day I'd believed you would love me...

Good morning,
Because its just another bad night for insignificant me.

My best friend just asked, "How can you create things like that?
It's really a fantastic talent you have."

The truth is, I don't have talent at all. Talent is subjective.
What is talent to one person, is trash to another.

You ever hear the saying, "One person's trash is another person's treasure..."?
It really applies to talent.

We can't go telling each other who is talented and who is not,
Who is good and who is not,

Because we're each only one person. What's trash to you isn't trash to me,
I wish people would see that.

I don't ever look at myself positively, only neutrally, (maybe most times negatively,)
I'm just me, and that's all I am.

I don't have talent,
Nor am I funny,
Nor am I silly,
Nor am I nice,
Nor am I mean,
Nor am I introverted,
Nor am I outgoing,

But not because I'm really not nice, or I'm not funny, or I'm not talented,
It's because you're nobody to judge,
Because you're not me.

I'm just me, and that's all I am.

I just told a friend:
"I feel awful. She made me so happy."

My friend asked:
"Why is that bad? She made you happy and you made her happy too."

I replied:
"I wish she'd come back."
"That's why."
"And she's in a relationship with her."
"While simultaneously claiming she's lesbian."
"And that's not good for my self esteem."

My friend replied:
"That isn't good."

Hug me please
I know it sounds like I've been barking
But hug me please
I know I did you wrong
But hug me please
You did me wrong too
And I'd forgive it all
If you'd only come back
And hug all my pain away

The boy inside my head remembers the girl inside yours.
He wants to tell you that he still loves you...that he'll love you forever.
He wants to tell you he's trapped and all alone.
He sits in his cell scratching the days onto the wall.
He draws pictures of your face and imagines holding your hand.
If he ever gets to talk to you again, he pictures what he'd say...
He would do anything for you to give him another chance.
He knows he's a boy and he wishes he didn't have to be.
But that boy inside his head didn't get a say on if he got to be a boy or not.
He wishes that you'd open yourself up to let him care for you again.
He wishes that you'd let yourself be the reason that he lives again.
He wishes a lot.
He wishes too much.
He fears none of them won't come true but he can't stop because it keeps him alive.
He envisions that chance. That he would take it slow and show you his love.
That it would be the deepest display of emotion ever to come from him.
He knows all too well you're not fond of boys- he's almost sorry he is one.
But he loves you. He loves you so much. You're so beautiful to him.
A beautiful person, not a beautiful girl.
He misses you.
He misses you so much.
The world stops when you hug him.
His heart flutters just thinking about it, still.
You're heavenly to him. You took him places he'd never been before.
Places he may never be again.
You see, he wishes he could put into words for you, the feeling...
He never needed anything more than your cuddles and hugs.
Like a living, breathing, soft and loving security blanket, you were...
Nothing in his life ever more peaceful than your arms or the touch of your lips.
He never needed ***...please don't make it about ***...
What he really needed was you.
He prays to a God he no longer believes in that maybe he could have a reason to believe again.
He loves you, Elizabeth Raine. He loves you so **** much.
He knows that's not enough.
He will never be enough.
You were once the reason he lived...
You're now the reason he wants to die.
You dumped him like utter trash and he still couldn't get over you.
You said things that ripped out his soul. Acted like he had no soul to begin with...
But ******, he loved you. He loves you. Like he promised, he always will.
Your girly parts play no part. He wishes you'd understand how much deeper this is than that.
How much you mean to him.
How much you'll always mean to him, how you'll always be his sweet girl.
At least, how he wishes you'd be his sweet girl once more.
He wishes he could show you...that he could find a way.
Tears roll down his face like the first rain of May.
He just wants to be enough to experience heaven one more time...
I'm afraid to inform him that heaven's long gone...
Its not even in existence to experience anymore...
But he'd **** himself...I can't push myself to let him know...
He bought a ticket to hell.

Hug me
Comfort me
Take away my pain
I need you

Hug me
Comfort me
Take away my pain
Do me one more favor, please

Hug her
Comfort her
She takes away your pain
I'm a lost soul, misplaced in a world without you.

Hug her
Comfort her
She loves away your pain
Replaced me, she's an upgraded model, she's your "Significant Other: 2.0"

That sweet girl --

She who looks down on her scars,
That girl whose name I'm prohibited to utter.

She looks down at her scars and she aches
And she aches from crying until 3 in the morning
When she felt accustomed to the dark,
When the dark was the only thing she could feel,
When her parents didn't love her,
When that boy broke her heart.

Sometimes,

She looks down at her scars and she cries
And she cries because she still sees them
She still sees them as the trails of blood at 3 in the morning
When she shook with her crooked smile,
Until she moaned “Oh my God”
And went to clean them up.

Sometimes,

She looks down at her scars and she's numb
And she's numb just like she was
Like she was in the moments which precursed them
When she stopped to stare,
At nothing in the dark
And proceeded to cause new feelings.

Every day,

She wakes up to a body she's not happy with
And she looks at herself in the mirror
Like what she sees is only horror and it's not just the scars
It's the mole on her skin, the stretch marks, maybe that freckle on her neck --
And then her scars
And she takes shelter in her clothing.

Once in a while,

She has a bad day to which she wears her favorite shirt
And she reserves it and wears it because it tells the truth
It tells a truth she needs to hear but she doesn't believe in
It's everything she needed to know, when she was alone at 3 in the morning
And she wears it
It keeps herself sane.

I am that boy,

That sweet boy --

He looks down at his scars and he aches
And he aches from crying until 3 in the morning
When he felt accustomed to the dark,
When the dark was the only thing he could feel,
When his parents didn't love him,
When that girl broke his heart.

But you see,
His scars are different --

He looks down at his scars and he cries
And he cries because he still sees them
He still sees them as the memories, both good and bad, burned forever in his mind
Then he shakes with his crooked smile,
Until he moans “Oh my God”
And he eventually finds his “happy place”.

Sometimes,

He looks down at his scars and he's numb
And he's numb just like she was
Like she was in the moments which precursed them
When they both stopped to stare,
At nothing in the dark
And proceeded to cause new feelings.

But the truth is,

It never should have been this way
Their scars are only battle scars
Battles in which they won, battles in which they lived through --
But when they both stopped to stare,
At nothing in the dark
They proceeded to cause new feelings.

Step 1
Become someone's best friend

Step 2
Become their boyfriend/girlfriend

Step 3
Get them to fall in love with you

Step 4
Lead them on like you've never led a single thing on before

Step 5
Get them to want to spend their whole life with you, so happy they could die.

Step 6
Pretend you feel the same way

Step 7
Repeat step 4

Step 8
Dump their ***, and as swiftly as possible, get with someone else

Step 9
Talk **** about them behind their back, speak amazingly about the new person

Step 10
Ignore them and watch them suffer to no end

Heidi
I fell in love with you at the age of 15, and I remember how I rode my bicycle
The 4 miles across town almost every day that summer, two and a half years ago
How much effort I put in to make the 40 minute ride over, just to come visit you

Heidi
I remember your friends and they were nice at first, until your best friend Jaina
Thought the word *****, was a part of everyday language and I realized
She wasn't even good for much except putting people down and going outside to smoke

Heidi
I remember the stories you told me about them and how you said you felt obligated
To take care of them, and that they meant a lot to you, how you loved them
For their silly jokes and shenanigans and just the fact that they were "******* badass"

Heidi
I remember when Jaina, Miles, and David were over one night I came for dinner
They just walked in unprompted, and ruined the time we had alone
I remember how you all laughed at me when David made a sick joke about my racial makeup

Heidi
I got up from the table and went to the bathroom to cry that night
Not because I had to go to the bathroom but because you replied to his joke by laughing along
And you even made another joke saying "But he's our token asian"

Heidi
I remember sitting next to you on your bed when we would watch movies all evening
But I also remember your attitude and the things you called me the whole time
"Asian buddy"

Heidi
I started noticing things about you I hadn't seen before because my love was blind
Like how badly you treated people, just like your friends did
Like how self-absorbed you were and how quickly you and your friends ego's fell apart

When you realized going to the corrupt Art Institutes for art degrees to make art was probably a bad idea

Heidi
You were having a hard time finding yourself and what you wanted to do with your life
Because you'd spent all your time in high school thinking you were on top of everyone
I led you on for almost 8 months before I decided enough was enough

Heidi
I should have left you early on because during those 8 months I tried to change you
Talk to my friends, I talked to them nonstop about you and what I should do with you
I remember how I only stayed because it wouldn't be fair to you for all the work we put in

Heidi
I'm sorry I hurt you but you hurt me too and as time went by I realized
You weren't even close to someone I wanted to spend any time with
You were nothing I could love, a proven *****

I am proud.
I'm proud of you.
While you've just recently hurt me more than anyone I've ever known,
I don't blame you for what you've done.
It was necessary for you.

I am proud.
I am proud of you.
I am proud of you for everything you put up with from me.
I am proud of you for sticking with me until the very end, at least, until you couldn't bear it anymore.
I am proud of you for doing now what you need to do ...to be happy.

I'm not proud.
I'm not proud of myself.
I'm not proud of where I am with you.
I'm not proud of what I've done to you.
I'm not proud that I've hurt the only person I can say I truly know I love.

But I'm here.

My skin is seeping salty feelings, and cooking warm under the pressure of anxiety.
I just typed a series of monologues to your inbox again, but you don't seem to hear them.
It's 3:46 AM. I'm almost delirious. What is sleep? I spend about 14 hours in bed everyday.
I usually get 1-2 hours of sleep.
My tears have stained my pillowcase. Like, I don't turn the light on anymore because I see the stains.
In my room, it is very cold. I guess it's cold like me. Or is it really, just cold like you?
I'm lost and alone, and I'm afraid you'll never come back.
I need you back.
What did you not understand?
When I told you when we were still together, that I'd love you until the day I died?
When I told you after you forcefully dumped me, I'd have this problem until the day I died?
Because the day I die, in my last moments, I will finally be able to decide to give up on you.
At times, I've wanted to commit suicide.
Because if I'm not waiting for you,
I'm waiting until the day I die.
Oh look, another monologue.
Don't read this one.
Go hang with your girlfriend instead.
You already decided that's whats best for your health.

I wish you would have stopped
But instead you dropped
Me from heaven to hell
And I'm sorry I couldn't tell
You how wonderful you were.
So you've replaced me with her.

I'd really like to die,
Though I lack the will to try,
To **** myself in everyone's plain view.
If only the cause weren't you...
Maybe I live too simple of a life for you.
You're not used to slowing down for a second or two...
To think about your actions
And study potential reactions.
There was a time I was naïve too
When I flew high with you.
I got cocky and mean...
And you decided never to be seen...
With a boy like me a-gain.
So Elizabeth Raine,
Please have no shame...
Though you'll find things ****
Since you murdered my heart.

Falling apart is like falling in love
But without all the love.

Falling apart is like those times
Those times when you were a kid and scraped your knee,
But there's nobody around
Nobody to patch you up.

If falling apart is like falling in love
Then falling in love is like going whitewater rafting with your partner
But you've both got life jackets, and it's a Grade 2 River and it's safe and
You're having a great time.

If falling in love is like falling apart
Then falling apart is like going whitewater rafting with a stick for an oar
With no life jackets, in a Grade 6 River which is dangerous and almost suicidal and then
Your partner throws you off.

Sure, it's exciting
Homicide is exciting, in a twisted way, right?
But that doesn't mean it's a good thing
Because it's bad.

Sometimes exciting is bad
When exciting is lacking love.

Serious
Everyone is too serious
Serious this, serious that,
I can't do this, I can't do that,

Stress
Everyone has stress,
Stress this, stress that,
I can't handle this, I can't handle that,

Peace
Nobody has peace,
No peace with this, no peace with that,
I can't get peace from this, I can't get peace with that...

Relax.

The Purple Heart

Is not only a military decoration,
Though that decoration is deservingly given,
To those who perished in some way, serving their country,
For "Being wounded or killed in any action against an enemy of the United States
or as a result of an act of any such enemy or opposing armed forces."

You see now,
The Purple Heart,
It's also means what I have, The Purple Heart.
It's the type of heart disease that society and medicine don't talk about,
The kind you get after your heart's been beaten up.

I'm not the only person with The Purple Heart,
It's actually an epidemic, and it kills people every day --
But nobody wants to talk about it,
Because if they talk about it,
They just might catch it too.

The Purple Heart doesn't just affect the heart,
It gets in the blood, it eats at the mind,
Coursing through the veins of unsuspecting victims,
Victims of abuse, negligence, turmoil, but they don't get medals, they get pushed down,
Victims that are heroes.

's right
Your mom was too
So was your stepdad
So were you
Please go back to a month ago
Don't change your mind
I'm awful
Tell everyone so they know
I don't want anyone else getting hurt by me
I'm a monster

I'm a free thinker
I make my own observations
That one friend of yours
Is not a free thinker
In fact I don't know if she thinks

Some of the smart people
They're the most closed minded
They read a lot and take in a lot, they become *** Laude+
But they believe things like the WBC
Believes what they believe

See, some of the dumber people
Like the Steve Wozniaks
Like the Bill Gates of this world
Those free thinkers that were really the smartest
But didn't like society's games

They are the real success stories.
But we're taught that the only success you can get
Is going to Harvard with a 4.0
In a field where the pay is good and jobs are hot
But a field in which where you went to college doesn't mean crap,
Because they're not looking for bookworms but looking for free thinkers

That friend of yours
She's been through pain
So she knows the pain
So she can relate
But that might be where it stops

That friend of yours
She'll have your back and she cares
But she's a little bitter
I mean, pretty bitter sometimes
I think you know this already

She told her cousin once
She found that talking helps
When there's a misunderstanding
That she wished people would talk
And work it all out

But she doesn't do that at all
She shuts people off
She shuts people out
Just like when she got annoyed
When you got less into her

You see
People who hold grudges
Who shut people out
They live a world of suffering
They live the saying "Nice guys finish last"

But they make it that way
Those people are the reason that saying exists
They say that those who don't learn
From history are doomed to repeat it
Let me just say she's one of those people

You're turning into one too,
Losing the free thinker inside of you
When you think you're making her
For the first time
I wish you'd listen

And not let your emotions overwhelm you but use the logic in your brain
Because your emotions are clouding your thinking
They're clouding your thoughts
They're clouding what you think you know about me, I think
Because you're doing that thing your friend does where you stop listening

This morning, I was miserable.
My body is wretched, with unbearable pain.

I hope
I don't
End up
Like
Kurt Cobain

Failed
I am the failed social experiment
Of a US Marine who was abused by his dad
And a Korean woman impressed by a US Marine

Failed
I think the only thing I succeeded in
Was forming in a womb
But even that was ****** up, I was premature with a racing heartbeat, an emergency birth?

Failed
I say I succeeded in that, but really
I am only the product of a ***** ******* into a ******
That it probably never should have been in

Failed
I've been told all my life I'm failed
I fail at this and fail at that, fail over here, and fail over there
Though my recent failures have become more and more substantial

Failed
Failed my English course because I was writing about
The love of my life when all of the sudden, she wasn't anymore,
I just kind of took the F instead of writing the **** paper with all the **** pain

Failed
Failed at relationships, I either jump to deep
Or jump all over them
Either way I guess I'm destined to jump, like a bipolar love

Failed
I am the failed baby
Of a woman who didn't even want it
Because I ******* cried too much as an infant

Failed
I am the child of parents
Who decided not to divorce "for the sake of the children"
But really, I probably would have been better off with one out of the two of them

Failed
I've failed at everything that matters to me in life
I finally give up.
God, if you exist, please take me home.

Do you remember Thursday
When I picked you up from work
You know, the week before homecoming
The last time you were in my car?

Do you remember my state of mind
How ******* crazy I was
After your mother ****** me up
After I lost my mind

Maybe I just like any word
That comes from
Ben Gibbard's mouth
Or maybe it was the simple effects
You had on me
By doing the very simplest things
Such as sharing some songs

May 24th
"Can't Stand It" - Never Shout Never
..."Baby I love you, I never want to let you go..."

June 9th
"Thank You" - Dido
..."And I want to thank you
For giving me the best day of my life
And, oh, just to be with you
Is having the best day of my life"

September 23rd
"Bloom" - The Paper Kites
..."In the morning when I wake
And the sun is coming through,
Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness,
And you fill my head with you."

I have to admit, the song came over the radio on my way to class one night and I had to pull over the car to cry...

September 30th
"The Heart Of Life" - John Mayer
You told me: "No matter what happens, you will always mean the world to me. I will always think good of you. I will always love you."
...song goes
"Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good"

I cry just thinking about this song. I sent it to you when you were upset. I tried to help you. I weep every time now, I'm such a wreck, because I doubt I mean a fraction of what I ever meant to you, anymore...

After you sent that to me, I replied to you:
"I didn't see my inbox until tonight. My poor heart is so broken. It just dropped to the floor. I'm so afraid of losing you. Otherwise I'm okay..." ...

Sent you this song  
October 3rd
"Suddenly" - The Sheepdogs
..."My world at night
Is as quiet as can be
A self imposed solitude
Isn’t half as bad as it seems
But lord I sit tonight, and I dream of somebody
Who in the world could it be?"

You sent me back
October 7th
"Such Great Heights" - The Postal Service (Cover by Iron and Wine)
..."I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images
And when we kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate
That God Himself did make
Us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay
And true it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you're away"

I cried so hysterically.
I cried so hysterically.
I cried and cried and cried.

I now cry and cry and cry and cry
Because you had taken me
To such great heights

I used to think thesaurus was a name for a type of dinosaur.

How we learn to hate ourselves-
Some of us never do anything wrong, we are innocent souls
Taking punishment we don't deserve, whether it be neglect or abuse or misfortune
It happens when we're supposed to be growing, hitting milestones, but instead
We can't comprehend all of the things happening to us
When our fathers leave us
When our mothers abuse us
When there's no food in the house except the kind of plants you're (not) supposed smoke
That only occasionally make their way into the brownies
That you can't even eat

How we learn to hate ourselves-
Some of us make mistakes when we're older, but we're still goodhearted
But we'd just gone through some of the above, we had it really rough
We learned to like it rough and we learned to be the neglect or abuse or misfortune
It happens when its all you've known
When you feel guilty for making someone cry
When you've got a friend in need and you don't know how to care because nobody cared for you
When you tell someone else your problems are bigger than theirs and all you can think of is
That you just made their problems bigger than yours
And you can't live it down

After we learn to hate ourselves-
Some of us deliberately commit our mistakes as if we're addicted to the sadness and conflict
We become mirror images of the people we said we never would be and don't even realize it
We get the attitude of "Whatever if you hate me because I don't love you anyway"
We learn to push our loved one's buttons on purpose just like people pushed ours
When it happens we become their burden
Like when I told someone "I'm only talking to you right now because if I wasn't you'd be hurting yourself"
When you make someone else feel completely insignificant just because they misunderstood
Something stupid you mentioned
That you crush them completely


But only sometimes
Do we realize
How we learn to be
The monsters we become

Dad
You've been good to me
But I feel like nothing
Because you made me nothing when I was your puppet, when you tried to live your life through me

Dad
You're an ex-marine
But I didn't know that they taught marines
How to call their 4 year old children "babies", when asking you curious questions, when you said to shut up

Dad
You've been a police officer for 20 years
But I didn't know they taught police officers
How to tell their 14 year old boys they had a "distorted view of reality"

Dad
I still remember when you threw mom against the closet door
She showed me the bruise on her breast that was as big as a softball
I remember the fights you guys had and how you kicked the wall and stormed off in your car

Dad
I was like 4 years old when this happened, I could barely see over the window sill in our living room
But I can still remember exactly how it looked when you backed out and sped down the street
"Where's oppa going?", I asked my korean mother... ...all she did was throw me down and beat my bottom...

Dad
I was a sensitive child and believe it or not
Even though you and mom tried your best ...you didn't prepare me
You didn't prepare me to handle things...

To handle the kids who would push me around because I was smaller
To handle the other kids who pushed me because my face and skin looked different
To handle every time kids asked me if I knew karate when I was an innocent little 5 year old
To handle being spit on by any one of those kids
To handle love and relationships because you didn't teach me what love really was

To be able to deal with problems in life without freaking out or blaming myself, like when you would throw me in the floor or spank me until I peed my pants...

To be able to love the girl I wanted to spend my life with because even though I decided that I wouldn't do the kinds of things you did...I've ever known in life is what not to do, and when I tried something new, they were only slight variations of everything you did and now she's not coming back

I've ****** up my life now and you're finally mellowing out...
I wish you'd done so 18 years ago

Or maybe not been around

I once tried to get drunk off of hand sanitizer
On a bad night when I yelled at you
After you seemed to fall asleep
But I think it was the night you relapsed

How else would I know
How Purell tastes?

You
Complete
Me...

It really is odd, how we started out,
I had come from a relationship gone bad,
I really needed a friend.
In the most amazing coincidence, you saved my life,
You came to be my friend.

What happened next,
Our newly found friendship was so exciting,
How we made each other laugh,
And joked about smiling spleens,
Our friendship exploded with activity.

How you invited me over,
The night before your birthday just to hang out,
How we found each other locking lips, you in my lap,
How pure our feelings became in such a short time,
Oh, how our hearts were racing that night.

The next day was special,
It was magic, how we bonded,
The closeness between us, how cute everyone said we were,
How scared I was that day,
To ask you to be mine.

You said yes, and the next few months –
They were some of the best months of our lives,
We understood each other, poured our hearts and minds out,
It was so crazy how we just
Made each other happy.

Everybody saw it,
People gossiped about how cute we were and how perfect,
We really were so perfect, came together and became so invincible,
I still remember how,
How we fell in love.

The whole spring,
The amazing feelings every day, how wonderful things were,
We both found no ******, the love kept building and building,
Every look, every sound, every kiss,
We found true love.

But when we found true love,
Our love was everything, we began to see each other in the purest sense,
It became more than being carried away by infatuations and desires,
We found something special,
We weren't just a couple.


In all of that specialness,
I told myself I'd always love you, because I knew what I saw in you,
You were more than my girlfriend, you became the best friend I'd ever had,
Almost a sister to me, the peace of mind, the calm,
We found nirvana.

Then came June,
What started with a bang ended in such tragedy, I didn't foresee such horrible consequences,
Our love was so strong, but how quickly our advances became regressions,
I then regretted so much, I lost my calm, I became unsettled,
We became a train derailed.

Transitioning to July,
We never really got the train back up and running,
It was damaged from the derailment, it didn't want to move, we got so scared,
I became frantic, I became mean, cruel, cold-shoulder was almost my middle name,
How I'd forever be sorry.

I said hello to August,
When you were afraid of me because I'd become an animal,
When I saw it in your eyes it was almost too late,
You'd spent too many days crying, depressed, your parents began to hate me too,
I'd not been around for you.

Autumn began,
The leaves fell off the trees, and I tried so hard to please, but I couldn't,
Your eyes were so empty, your parents were fuming, I knew I let you down,
Oh, how hard I was kicking myself for being so awful to the love of my life,
Who didn't want to know me.

Today,

It took a little time after all of this for me to gather my brains.
You see, you were so much more to me than a lover, more than the love of my life.
You saved my life, from the beginning, and it's not my emotional justification but the truth.
You taught me how to be happy, made me forget how to hate myself.
You put so much color into my world, you sang me new songs.
The lengths to which I'd go to be the smile on your face again are far too great for my own good.

I wasn't in love with you. I loved you.
You as a person. Your brain, your soul, your will, your body.
You see, you'd become my soul mate, not my ****** partner.
You'd become someone I'd love forever, even if you didn't love me back, even if you were gone.
In a way, you became my sister, my freedom, my truth, my goal, my promise, and you grew on me.
You grew like the most beautiful gardens, you became what I lived for.

In the end, you were many wonderful things, but mainly one --
My trust.

She says I'm great
She says I'm her best friend
She says I know her better than she does

Just to tell me

"I don't think I can have you around"

To tell me

She can't stand me

When I'm telling her

She's beautiful

As a person

That she's smart

That she's goodhearted

That I'll always love her because

She's a good person

Because

Apparently

She can't "go back to yesterday"

She's such a genius it seems

How much can I say to build him up

To make him hurt again

So I can have another excuse to claim

It's his fault I'm hurting

So I can hurt him

To prove I'm really not good

So I can call myself horrible

And stop him from calling me good

Just because he needs to stop

Used
Thrown away
Here I am
Here to stay

258 days,

September

I've typed well over 3000 words now and it's 3:30 in the morning. I'm sweating and crying. My mouth is dry as cotton. My left pinky is sore because I have arthritis from when I broke it and my wrist hurts because I think I'm developing carpal tunnel. I've been typing for hours. So, let me try this again...

September

We both got lost in September.
You told me literally every single day that you were unstable.

I felt like the puppet in a play where I'm supposed to be the good guy
But the play is a satire where I'm actually the worst...

I cried a lot. I didn't know what to do. Or if I could help you.
I could see it in your eyes. I could see you tremble. I saw the fear.
I think I told you sorry like 50 times one day I was over.
I saw it in your eyes how sad you were. You weren't happy.

I realized I'd ****** up
But I'm me, and that means I'll just keep ******* up the same old ****
The same old **** over and over and over...
Without realizing it until it's but a second too late.

You asked me to go to the dance with you.
Where would we be right now, if I had simply been able to say yes?
I wasn't strong enough to say yes, sweet girl.
I was broken by a conglomeration...a giant melting *** of the situation and my past.

I had a good time with you at prom the year before.
I told you I didn't. That I was freaking out.
I did have a good time. Except when I was really freaking out was this last September.
You calmed my fears and made it worthwhile.

I still can't even believe I got a girl to come with me for my senior prom.
I thank you so much for that. Even though I kind of ****** it up too.
I can't let myself take it for granted either, what I've done to you.
I know I've ****** it all up.

If I could do it over (I keep saying this over and over, I've ****** up so much)
I would have just said yes and continued to try to figure things out
How to make things better and fix the pain
So that I could be to you what I've always wanted to be for you

Except I just wasn't strong enough in September,
A recurring theme throughout the summer
Wasn't strong enough to be there for you
Wasn't strong enough to be nice to you

So many ******* excuses I made over time
But it was true...I was struggling and my life was hard
But I should have known that the best thing for you and me both
Was to face a fear, where I was afraid of something stupid

If I haven't done things directly,
I've done them indirectly, like...
If I simply wasn't in the situation, no matter what was actually in my control,
None of this **** would have happened to you

This month ended with me calling your mom out (she'd historically been quite mean to me, but how dumb was I to do it on public facebook...)
Another horrid phone call ...

...(my hands hurt too bad to write much about this one, said I all I ever did with you was **** with your head, lied to you, blew you off...)
Myself going crazy, telling you I was horrible, awful, nothing, trash...(sound familiar at all?)

And the ending of our relationship

I think I've effectively hated myself since that night
When you were in my car and I self destructed to you
The same way I remember you self destructing toward me
Except you played no part

Your mom is the one that killed me but
I'd still hug your mom to this day though...and I miss little Andrew so much...
Your mom isn't that bad. She's done a lot for you. Gone through so much...(she made it very clear to me in the phone calls, I'll never go through any kind of pain like she did...)

I don't know what to say about myself anymore except
I'm weak
I'm soft
I'm broken

They say hindsight is 20/20.
If only I'd had a time machine.

*September

Continue
Go on
Keep ignoring the flipping **** out of me
You know how it makes me feel
I've told you a million times
Keep being so ******* inconsiderate
I've never seen someone so inconsiderate
You've put me in so much ******* pain
I haven't slept in 4 days
I hope karma comes back around to you
You need something to bite you in the ***
For all the **** you've done to **** me up.
I've gotten close to killing myself over you.
But maybe you're proving now you're nothing to be upset over.
That I shouldn't even care.
Because why should I need someone who doesn't give half a ****.
Why should I care so much about someone who ****** me over so bad?
I thought I loved you
But not this you.
Not this you, you inconsiderate *****.

I tried to cultivate something wonderful
You were the perfect one, the one I'd always hold on to
I told you I would, I told you I'd love you forever
You may not understand what I saw in you
Because I didn't get to show you you're wonderful

I tried to cultivate something wonderful
But I am a bad seed, nothing to grow and only an imbecile
I loved you and broke you, I took you and pushed you
You may not understand how sorry I am
Because I didn't get to show you you're wonderful

I tried to cultivate something beautiful
But there's nothing beautiful about me, nothing good to see
I hurt you and killed you, until there was nothing left inside of you
You may not understand how sorry I am
Because I didn't get to show you you're wonderful

Dear pills
Please take away my pain
I swallow you in angst like
I try to swallow my pride
Too much at once
Too much to handle

Dear sleep
Please take away my restlessness
I ask for good dreams, but
I only dream of her and
When I wake up reality
Is a nightmare

Dear alcohol
Please take away my yearning
I downed a lot of bottles but
I didn't stop thinking of her
I just pretended to be okay but
Only my face got numb

Dear death
Please end my play, for
I'm living a life best suited
As a modern theatrical tragedy,
A spin on Shakespeare's Romeo
Where Juliet isn't real

258 days,

June

First week of June?
Amazing. I'd experienced your body...for real this time. Did more with you than I'd ever done with anyone. That party...

Sister, brother leaving...

Couch...
Us...

Not like it matters, now.
Reminds me. I should probably be put in a straight jacket if you ever get close to me again someday. Like, if you ever decide you can be okay with what I did to you. What I did to you was not okay, though.

June 13th
Hickey #2 ("#3) found
Whoops. We got too caught up in this whole ****** business...
Gauntlet thrown down
My aunt was over with her two children
8:27pm: "Please call us ***-***-XXXX"
Replied 8:35pm: "I can't right now. My aunt and her kids are over...
Lizzie told me she was in trouble during her break. I'm assuming I'm in trouble too? I'm not going to make any excuses this time and I apologize. Its my fault. I can call when my aunt leaves."

Around 8:45pm, my cell phone rings. My aunt and her kids are still over.
I am shaking so badly that I have trouble sliding my finger on the touchscreen to pick up the call.
Some of the call is a blur to me.
I cried so hard.
I shook so hard.
I cramped in places I'd never cramped before.
I was gagging on the phone and it just made them more mad at me.
Around 9:55 the phone call ends.
They told me they were going to take all your clothes off.
They pushed me to admit I'd had *** with you.
I wouldn't admit it.
I wouldn't admit anything except the hickey.
God knows we did more.
But I just hoped that God understood that I never wanted to lose you.
I never wanted to lose you.
They asked for my 18th birthday, so they could mark their calendar as the "day they could touch me"
(Because assault on a minor = felony, assault on adult goes much more easily)
I never wanted to lose you.
That threat alone almost made me **** myself. They threatened to hurt me. Physically. On my birthday.
I never wanted to lose you.
They told me they had expectations for me.
They told me I had to hold a certain GPA, and wouldn't tell me what it was.
They told me I needed to have a certain job, by a certain date, and they wouldn't tell me what the date was.
They told me to "let them take care of that ****", the dates they wouldn't tell me.
They told me I should graduate in 3 years, I forgot about this one...
Claimed "I was smart enough to do it" and that "maybe it would prove I was worth their daughter seeing"
They compared me to Zack W. and how they made him break up with you.
They told me they wouldn't force me to do that but that I'd be sorry for what I did.
...by the end of the phone call though, she had softened up.
After all, I was crying so hysterically...she either pretended, or temporarily understood that I was sorry.
She told Ray I was really sorry.
Ray though, was in the background screaming
"That ****** isn't sorry. He ain't ******' sorry."
...
When you got home that night,
They took it easy on you.
They didn't actually strip your clothes off.
They told you they were "kinda harsh" on me and that I "took most of it for you"...
...
...
...
The week before, my friend Nick drank himself to death. He essentially committed suicide.
...
Two weeks later, your mom refused to talk at all about this phone call.
It was sick what she did to me.
I was sick inside. I hated myself. Not to mention Nick invited me over the night he died.
He would be alive had I been there that night.
...
If I had been there with Nick, he wouldn't have died.
...
...
I ended June full of so much guilt. So much confusion. So much pain. I lost a friend. I lost myself.
...
June.

258 days,

July

I don't know what to say about July, love.
I was so awful to you.
There are things I don't remember about July.
I remember things I told you.
But I don't remember experiencing July.
I turned cold and numb and mean.
I kind of became that old man down the street that won't let the kids
Ride their tricycles down the sidewalk in front of his porch, keeps a gun inside the door.

I turned into such a ****.
And you were traumatized too. I don't know
Why I pretended that what happened in June didn't affect you
As much as it did me.
I guess it was because your parents ****** me

I'm so ******* sorry.
I wish I could take back every syllable I said. Every sound. Every word.
I hope you understand some day. Take all the time you want.
Take years.
Decades...
Chances are,
I'll still think you're beautiful when you're 70 and frail.
I promise, if you'd let me, I'll come back and date you like we're young again.
I love you that much.
That's a promise I'll keep.
I'll never make such broken promises
That I made to you throughout our relationship
Ever, the ****, again.

*July

You may not realize
I've been writing about meditation

You may not realize
I'd like to calm down

You may not realize
I made poems about calming down

You may not realize
When I suggested a reboot

It was supposed to be like a meditation
Not a rollercoaster

Limited highs
Or maybe greater highs than ever before

Like meditation
Meditation puts things into perspective

But limited lows
Because in meditation you start to understand deeper

That's what my plan was aiming for.

I wish I could go back in time
And fix all the wrongs I'd done
I wish I could go back in time
And do a better job of convincing you
You're so beautiful, you're a wonderful girl...
I always thought that...
I know I tried because
I remember telling you that I'd think so even if you weren't mine
And I remember explaining to you
How I really felt about you
I remember telling you
That you were the reason
I thought I believed in God
Because you were so heavenly,
To me...

But those days, they passed
I took things too far
I left a bite on your neck
We did some things I wish I hadn't pushed on you
And
Then the world came crumbling down,
I got ripped a new one
I realized how insignificant my life really was
Compared to yours
Because that's all your mother would tell me when she was fuming that night
And the threats, the mention of deadlines, things I needed to accomplish,
To keep you,...
I ... I just ...
I don't know what got into me but I wasn't myself
I was a shell of myself
I changed...
Ripped open by the lioness which is your mother
My insides eaten out by your screaming step-father
Don't come back here, they said

Why did I start this poem talking about how I wish I could go back
And help you
And then unintentionally end it with the flashbacks
Of that night in June
And the days that followed

I'm feeling so small
The world is so big without you
But I feel so big, too, like I'm way too big, like I wish I was a bacteria
Because all I did was infect the life of the only person I love
You convinced me I'm a disease
And I think I'm pretty sure now that I'm not meant to be good enough
I'll never be good enough to you
And that's all that mattered to me
And
And
I feel like
The space I occupy
The air I consume
When I'm gasping for air, rocking back and forth at 2 in the morning...
I feel like
It would be better spent
Being used by someone else
Or at least, I should reserve some more for you

I needed hugs
Lots of hugs
Instead
Over and over
And
Over and over
I got
Stabs in the back
And
Every day
I still get stabbed in the back
You can't even stop
Because the metaphorical knives
Are the hugs you give
To someone else
You speak of being in love with
Because I'm not worthy
You spoke to me that way once
And now I'm
And now
And
And
Oh
Oh
oh

258 days,

April
April was unusually cold,
Started out badly
I'd hurt you as March come to a close,
And I know that you tortured yourself over something I shouldn't have been upset about
Not to mention I got upset about even more stupid things
Like what I called your "liberal use of social media"
and
"neglect of me when I was with you"

I'll have to stop this story too,
Looking back on my choice of words I wonder what the **** I was doing
I had no place to call you out for having friends, or for talking to them
And you'd already done more than enough for me just being with me in the first place
After I pushed so many ******* problems on you.

I mean, it did legitimately hurt, when you were in my arms, but instead of cuddling
Was wrapped up in beating people at Ruzzle
Or trying to beat the level of Flow you couldn't beat the night before
That hurt pretty bad, I put up with it for a couple months...

But in the end all it became was another thing I ****** up for you
Because I took it all way too far
I got so mad at you, you deleted every social media app
You ran away from home,
You peddled 2 miles in the rain, and stopped right down the street from where I was living
And I didn't even have the heart
To walk down and comfort you the way I should have done
I traumatized you so bad, that I'd forever be sorry, for that alone
You kept telling me it was your fault, you kept trying to coax me into believing you were ****
Nothing
Worthless
Useless
Trash
Don't think I don't remember every word spoken in that phone call, when it was pouring down rain that day

I have to stop the story again...
That was the first time that I realized how sensitive you were. While I should have gone about it differently, you self destructed. You self hated. It wasn't ALL my fault. Your past was rough on you. People have hurt you. Your whole life has been such a struggle. You were made of glass and I forgot to label the shipping box as fragile. I broke you. I'm sorry.

Turns out, I was able to glue you back together. At least you led me on to believe...
I tried really hard.

So later in April...
You're over for church.
You seem okay, seem some better
But you had relapsed
After church we went on a walk, down through the sports complex
It was fun, but when we were making out I slipped my fingers up your right arm
I felt the scabs

You got so scared. I'm so sorry. The way you shook in my arms, when you got home...
I still feel the exact sensation of it, on my left side
My arm was wrapped around, and I felt it from my hand to my shoulder, from my shoulder to my knee. You were on my left, and you glanced into my eyes with the saddest look I'd ever seen on your face.
I feel that right now. I feel those tremors.
I looked over and whispered in your ear: "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry"
What good would that do though
You felt so horrible
Plus you wouldn't even let me blame myself for what I'd done
I felt more connected to you in that moment though than I'd ever had before.
I felt your true pain for the first time in my life.

My grandparents ordered pizza that night.
I remember how you and I sat at the kitchen table and you were still shaking.
We talked for 4 hours, love. Four hours.
That day I realized what a monster I'd become. I made you promise to me...
That you would never cut again, if I was with you, or not with you.
If I had hurt you, or someone else had hurt you.
Because I knew that there was a chance of me becoming that monster again.
And I needed you to understand that day, how special you really were.
I needed to show you so that if a day ever came that I lost who I was again,
You'd have the strength to take care of yourself.
I still remember crying on your shoulder.
I still remember the tears you left on mine.
I still remember holding your hand.
I still remember the trust you found in me.

The next part of April went okay.
I tried to build you up.
We started getting more intimate with each other though.
The kissing became heavier...
Hands moved more...
Hugs were as if we were trying to force our bodies to combine into one lone thing

...so that was April

258 days
Are the number of days we were together, sweet girl

January ...
High School Basketball Game
50 texts
50 smiles
So cute
You didn't even mean it
Spleen smiles
Next week
You want me to come over
To help decorate for your birthday party tomorrow
Instead, making out on the porch
"I'm so bad"
... ... ...
Tomorrow
I'm sorry, I don't have any gift except for myself
Pop the question
Will you be mine?
There marked day 1
More spleen smiles
... ... ... still get this flashback so clear in my mind, in Ray's chair, Dani was up on the left arm, you and I cuddling in the seat, she looks over and tells us how cute we look

... ... ...
Every other day in that month consisting basically of
Heidi said this
Heidi said that
Help me help me
She's on facebook going nuts about me
I even called her four times for hours trying to calm her down
You told me it wasn't my fault
Our senses of humour blended really well
Spleen smiles all the way
You were my anchor
I fell in love