Inoutinoutinoutinout
Inhaleholdbreathcountexhale
Inoutinoutinoutinout
Roomspinningroo­mspinning
Diediediejustkillyourselfyou'reworthless
Inoutinoutinou­tinout

Nobody's problems are bigger or smaller than someone else's.
Just like people are different, we handle things differently.

And different things mean more to some than they do to others.
Some things I consider important are worthless to you. Vice versa.

I wish I'd learned this lesson a year ago. Maybe the love of my life would still be here.
I ****** up, and had to learn the hard way.

Don't you dare tell me what I'm supposed to feel about it.

What kind of joke am I?...

You just told me,
"I wanna be friends...
But that isn't good enough for you."

Do you not realize
What you've done?

You didn't "lead me on". You made me believe in you. Convinced me we had a future together.

You promised me we'd be okay.

You told me I meant the world to you.

You told me there was no place like my arms. That they were the most calming thing in the world.

You told me your mom wouldn't be angry.

You called it a speed bump... , yeah, that too.

You told me it would be over soon... how early was soon?

You told me your parents wouldn't come after me. That turned to ******* pretty quickly.

Your last interactions with me were a kiss...

You told me you'd always love me.

You told me you'd always want me.

That changed a lot.
You changed your stories...

Something like, "I thought he would get over me on his own. I fell out of love with him. It was obvious."

"How dare you. You treated me like ****. We're not okay."

"If I even love you, then..." ... which became "I care about you...", you avoid the L word now.

"Skyping with * is the best way to bring in the new year!" ...I feel so worthless now.

Your mom lied to my pastor, and his wife, and you, and my grandmother about me.

Is your relationship with her, a speed bump too? You lied. I actually believed you. Why don't you understand?

I've been waiting for 5 months. I'll end up waiting 50 years for you, because I'm really that stupid.

Your parents threatened me legally. They lied to people I love to ruin my life. You thanked them for it!

How do her lips taste? You tricked me. Thanks a lot.

You lied to me. You don't even use that word anymore. "care"...

You lied. You don't want me anymore. Why did you lie to so much? I'm all broken now.

I tried my hardest to put myself in your shoes.
That was 5 months ago.

I tried harder yet to put myself in your shoes.
That was 4 months ago.

I had to try to put myself in your parents shoes.
That was hard. But I tried. That was 3 months ago.

I watched you pull magic switcheroos as you turned on me like a rabid animal.
That was hard. But I tried to understand. That was 3 months ago.

I blamed myself, and then, you blamed me too. Confirmed, I'm total ****, I guess.
That was 2 months ago.

I couldn't believe how you got with her. You told me it wasn't slow.
It took you 3 days to ruin me. Then you kept going.

And going.

And going.

Around 3 weeks ago, I started watching as you repeated all the lies.
But to her this time. Replaced me.

We talked on Tuesday. I thought it was productive. I thought you finally understood my feelings.
Guess not.

You don't seem to put yourself in my shoes.
You don't seem to comprehend why I feel the way I feel.
How can I be friends with you when you're the love of my life, and running around with her?

You have some new shoes.
I guess you can't find mine.

Quit saying sorry
And just fix it
God ******

I howl at the moonlight,
Though no one ever comes.

And I'm just a ****** boy.

I was wrong

I want you
To come here
And ******* ****** me.
For real

What
are
you
doing?
This
Chaos
You've
Created
Is
Really
Killing
Me.

Why
Sometimes
Are
You
Sensitive
And
Understanding?

Why
Other
Times
Do
You
Simply
Not
Respond
To
The
Things
I
Tell
You?

A train
Hit me.

I am
A train wreck.

I am unstable
I am on the edge
I just now
Imagined myself
In the process
Of slitting my throat
The last I'd see
Would be
Crimson Red

Our spleens exploded
And I think it killed us.

First of all,
You're not ****.
Second of all,
Let me believe that.
Third, you're beautiful.
The most beautiful thing to ever cross my eyes.
Nothing in my life ever goes right.
I hope you come back.

You have been
Such a gift
To my life
And it broke me
To see you go

I am so uncomfortable
In my own skin
That I remember
When we were still together
That I told myself if we got married
I would have willingly
Changed my last name to yours
Because I loved you
More than I loved anything
And way more than I loved myself

My hopes, dreams
They were you.

"I love you...
I love you too"

Many nights
I
Sit, still hoping

I wish I could go back in time
And fix all the wrongs I'd done
I wish I could go back in time
And do a better job of convincing you
You're so beautiful, you're a wonderful girl...
I always thought that...
I know I tried because
I remember telling you that I'd think so even if you weren't mine
And I remember explaining to you
How I really felt about you
I remember telling you
That you were the reason
I thought I believed in God
Because you were so heavenly,
To me...

But those days, they passed
I took things too far
I left a bite on your neck
We did some things I wish I hadn't pushed on you
And
Then the world came crumbling down,
I got ripped a new one
I realized how insignificant my life really was
Compared to yours
Because that's all your mother would tell me when she was fuming that night
And the threats, the mention of deadlines, things I needed to accomplish,
To keep you,...
I ... I just ...
I don't know what got into me but I wasn't myself
I was a shell of myself
I changed...
Ripped open by the lioness which is your mother
My insides eaten out by your screaming step-father
Don't come back here, they said

Why did I start this poem talking about how I wish I could go back
And help you
And then unintentionally end it with the flashbacks
Of that night in June
And the days that followed

I'm feeling so small
The world is so big without you
But I feel so big, too, like I'm way too big, like I wish I was a bacteria
Because all I did was infect the life of the only person I love
You convinced me I'm a disease
And I think I'm pretty sure now that I'm not meant to be good enough
I'll never be good enough to you
And that's all that mattered to me
And
And
I feel like
The space I occupy
The air I consume
When I'm gasping for air, rocking back and forth at 2 in the morning...
I feel like
It would be better spent
Being used by someone else
Or at least, I should reserve some more for you

I can tell
You're really starting
To become annoyed
With me
So I should
I should just disappear
Maybe you can finally be happy
If I would just vanish
Or if I would just perish
And die

You taught me
That I am a lost cause.
Please do not let me trick you...my self worth now falsified,
I'm not worth wasting a thought, or a breath, or a single moment over...
Worthless.

Rivers run
down
my ugly face

I hope
I don't
End up
Like
Kurt Cobain

I
Took
Too
Many
Pain
Pills
And
Now
I'm
Numb.

I wish you would have stopped
But instead you dropped
Me from heaven to hell
And I'm sorry I couldn't tell
You how wonderful you were.
So you've replaced me with her.

I'd really like to die,
Though I lack the will to try,
To **** myself in everyone's plain view.
If only the cause weren't you...
Maybe I live too simple of a life for you.
You're not used to slowing down for a second or two...
To think about your actions
And study potential reactions.
There was a time I was naïve too
When I flew high with you.
I got cocky and mean...
And you decided never to be seen...
With a boy like me a-gain.
So Elizabeth Raine,
Please have no shame...
Though you'll find things ****
Since you murdered my heart.

Write a poem
If you know 'em
Then fix a rhyme
Don't spend a dime

I'm not cut out for this rhyming ****.
Not at 3 AM.

Sorry for that last one.
Harsh.
I don't know who I am anymore.

You told me
"Don't be sad. I'm okay now."
I've been sad for almost 5 months...
I'm not okay...but
Happy Birthday.

I
am
sensitive.

I
am
breakable.

I
am a lousy excuse for
"a man".

I
am a
loser.

I
am someone
misplaced.

...I was selfish.
I I I I I. Me me me me.

I
am not deserving of
you.

Well,
I can't breathe anyway.
Might as well count to 10 again.
It's not working.

I just told a friend:
"I feel awful. She made me so happy."

My friend asked:
"Why is that bad? She made you happy and you made her happy too."

I replied:
"I wish she'd come back."
"That's why."
"And she's in a relationship with her."
"While simultaneously claiming she's lesbian."
"And that's not good for my self esteem."

My friend replied:
"That isn't good."

The only thing
I want to remember
About math class
Is the way
Your fingers...
How they traced patterns
Up and down
The square of my back
Between 1:25 and 2:15
5 days a week
And all of the security you gave me
When I would turn around
To see your gorgeous smile
And hold your precious hand

Each breath I take is just a little bit harder...
My throat is closing up...
I'm gasping...
Sinking...
Sinking...
The sinking feeling is drowning me...
Help, I scream, help!
Sinking...to the bottom...
Drowning
Dead

Children,
Don't listen to them.
Don't take the medication.
Don't do drugs.
They're mind controlling you.
I'm on drugs right now,
And I realize I'm only another numb slave in society on this ****.
Its okay to have feelings, children.

Its okay to feel pain.
Its okay to hurt.
The medication is horrible
Even though its bliss.
I know better.

Hug me please
I know it sounds like I've been barking
But hug me please
I know I did you wrong
But hug me please
You did me wrong too
And I'd forgive it all
If you'd only come back
And hug all my pain away

My skin is seeping salty feelings, and cooking warm under the pressure of anxiety.
I just typed a series of monologues to your inbox again, but you don't seem to hear them.
It's 3:46 AM. I'm almost delirious. What is sleep? I spend about 14 hours in bed everyday.
I usually get 1-2 hours of sleep.
My tears have stained my pillowcase. Like, I don't turn the light on anymore because I see the stains.
In my room, it is very cold. I guess it's cold like me. Or is it really, just cold like you?
I'm lost and alone, and I'm afraid you'll never come back.
I need you back.
What did you not understand?
When I told you when we were still together, that I'd love you until the day I died?
When I told you after you forcefully dumped me, I'd have this problem until the day I died?
Because the day I die, in my last moments, I will finally be able to decide to give up on you.
At times, I've wanted to commit suicide.
Because if I'm not waiting for you,
I'm waiting until the day I die.
Oh look, another monologue.
Don't read this one.
Go hang with your girlfriend instead.
You already decided that's whats best for your health.

It's 2:12 AM...
My head is pounding
My mouth is dry
I'm muttering to myself and
I'm broken.

It's January 9th, 2014.
Your birthday is in three days.
I'm not allowed to come to the party,
Even though you mean more to me than anything else on Earth, and
I'm broken.

I'm not over you.
I don't think I will ever be...
But you say your sexuality is different now,
As if, if I didn't have a ***** maybe things would have turned out differently?
I'm broken.

Everything you say
About her, or about how happy you are about her,
Remind me of the similar things you once told me, so thanks for all those ******* memories...
Nevermind, whatever.
I'm just broken.

You played me a fool.
You tricked me.
You didn't only do that. I...
I believed in you.
But you've broken me.

That button doesn't do much for someone else's mind.
Goes both ways.
Wreck me more, I deserve it.
Just take me to the recycling center afterwards
And I'll pray
Not to be sold as scrap metal.
Worthless

Every time
I see
A Chevy Malibu
Part of me cringes
And

Every time
I see
A Ford Fusion
Part of me cringes
And

Both are really common vehicles
And

For the longest time, I was afraid to drive
Thinking I might run into one of them
And

When my car was in the shop last week
They gave us a Ford Fusion
And

That really upset me
And

It wasn't just you
But you really finished me off for them
Plus a ton more

How much I really love you.
How much I still love you.
How much I'll always want you.
Because I'm starting to believe that
A love like this is incomprehensible.
I know because I never understood it myself.

The last time you kissed me,
I thought my heart was going to explode.
I whispered "You have know idea what you do to me, dear"
Into your right ear
But it seems you didn't listen
With both hands around your waistline
But you convinced me to believe
It wouldn't be the last time
Until the worst nightmare of my life ensued
How does she taste?
She is sweeter than I.

The last time you kissed me,
I thought my heart was going to explode.
I whispered "You have know idea what you do to me, dear"
Into your right ear
But it seems you didn't listen
With both hands around your waistline
But you convinced me to believe
It wouldn't be the last time
Until the worst nightmare of my life ensued
How does she taste?
She is sweeter than I.

The last time you kissed me,
I thought my heart was going to explode.
I whispered "You have know idea what you do to me, dear"
Into your right ear
But it seems you didn't listen
With both hands around your waistline
But you convinced me to believe
It wouldn't be the last time
Until the worst nightmare of my life ensued
How does she taste?
She is sweeter than I.

I speak can't even
Want to speak in
Don't order speak
I don't
I don't speak
I can't speak order in
Too messed
Up broken
Fix try can't
All alone

I needed hugs
Lots of hugs
Instead
Over and over
And
Over and over
I got
Stabs in the back
And
Every day
I still get stabbed in the back
You can't even stop
Because the metaphorical knives
Are the hugs you give
To someone else
You speak of being in love with
Because I'm not worthy
You spoke to me that way once
And now I'm
And now
And
And
Oh
Oh
oh

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

­Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please

Stop
Stop
Stop
Please
o­KAY
I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

I'm in my
Happy place

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

Stay alive

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I can do this

I'm full of ****

No I'm not

I'm full of ****

No I'm not

I'm full of ****

No I'm not

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

Stop

Oh look her blog! ... :)
Oh look, her blog. ... :|
Oh look. ... :(
Oh loo-. ... :'(
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.

Oh.

Die
"Go f*ck myself"
No, I'm not writing the rest of this
I don't even have a will to live
Why would I have a will to write this

The last time you kissed me,
I thought my heart was going to explode.
I whispered "You have know idea what you do to me, dear"
Into your right ear
But it seems you didn't listen
With both hands around your waistline
But you convinced me to believe
It wouldn't be the last time
Until the worst nightmare of my life ensued
How does she taste?
She is sweeter than I.

I love you
I loved you
I'll love you
I love you
I loved you
I'll love you
I
I
I
I
I
I
...
f*ck

I find it pathetic
that I made you
the center of my world
after everything you did to me and
I'm trying to live without you
but it feels so empty and
its even more pathetic
that you still mean the world to me
more than anything else ever had and
I'm not even allowed on your property
so
the situation, it
it finds me pathetic
laughing in my face
I can not pretend
it is laughing with me