Poem a day, day 21*

Today was my daughter's birthday
She turned 20, my how she's grown.
We went out for a nice lunch
And bought stuff at her favourite shop.

Ont the train, I was on my way home
She on her way to work,
She asked me to go have a frozen yoghurt with her.
I love just spending time with my daughter.

I am glad she turned into
The kind of adult I like to be around.
She's intelligent and funny.
An awesome combination.

I love her zest for life.
Her honesty and her wit.
I love her open-mindedness and her intellect.
I love that we can laugh together.

It's such a blessing to have an adult daughter
Whose company you enjoy
And who wants to spend time with you.
She's so outgoing and fun, she keeps me young

You were rudely awoken from your dreams of happiness
Like a reoccurring nightmare
That never seems to end

No matter how many diagnoses are made
Pills you take
And fake smiles you show
You can never wake up

It's like an addiction
Anything you can get your hands on
Anything you can do
You'll always find away
To sneak into the dark once again

You whisper the words
That your life revolves around
Between forced gags
And broken tears
"You should be better"

She loved me
and I threw it away.

The holidays are here
and the cold has frosted my heart.

I see everybody falling in love
and I'm reminded of you.

How lonely I've become
and how bitter I feel.

I miss you.
I miss the very concept of you.

All my cocoa has long since been frozen
and my porch has long since been a slick sheet of ice.

I suppose that all I really want this year
is to be warm again.

this is not a poem. this is a plea. this is me begging you to hear me when i tell you that i love you. my voice is weak and shaking like the branches of a willow in the wind. my hands are trembling like tremors under the surface of the earth. my vision is so blurred that i can barely focus my eyes as i type. i can feel the impending collapse of my lungs as they are further crushed by the weight of all my anxieties. my strength is fading, but i'm still screaming for you, only you don't seem to hear me. i'm reaching for you but you won't take hold of my hand. i swear to god i'm trying with everything i have to hold you together, but i'm terrified it's not enough. the very thought of your nonexistence consumes me in a fear i have never known. i have never been good at telling people i need them, but i can tell you how vacant this world would be if you left it. everything would change. you can't come in to my life like you did and then just leave it with no warning. you can't do that to me. you can't tell me that you want to marry me and then try to disappear without so much as a goodbye. you just can't. so i don't mean to make you feel guilty, i just need you to understand. don't you know what it would do to me if you left? how many times are you going to almost-die before you realize i will never be the same if you do?

April-** I could have let it be a one night stand but your body was magnetic.
May- On my birthday I only wished for you.
June-  Our first big fight had us erupting like Mt St. Helens. I drank a bottle of cough syrup and spilled my guts. " I love you " I said. You said it back.
July- I found out you were talking to another woman. I was devastated. I'm with another man; maybe that is how you felt.
August- The discussions about me leaving him are becoming more serious. You are moving back in with your mother soon. Ultimately, I decided suicide was my only option.
September- I did it. I left him for you.
October- Arguments are frequent, and one got me so heated that I went upstate for a few weeks. The first night I got there, I gave myself away to another man. It only made the pain stop throbbing for a moment.
November-  My dad wants to strangle you, and he says you are no longer welcome in the house. Myself and my family are now concerned that one day you will hurt me; and not with your words. I would still love you so.
December- Some nights you are my heater, but most you leave me in the blistering cold.

I've spent the past months
In and out of different abbreviations PHP
I'm getting there, halfway at least IOP
all because of my scars SIB
my thoughts SI
my patterns OCD
my creativity EDB
If these cause you confusion
You're in luck
You're not crazy Code White
For I know all the codes in the book
And look where I am now *Code Green