There's not much to say about
strong sensual mutual feelings.
Having the void filled tightly
with warm thoughts wrapped
around my heart,
our soul,
means so much.

When I ran into your arms,
After four months of being apart,
I felt something new.
There was a new electricity,
Some sort of eccentricity,
Drawing me forth to your scent
And ******* my soul to your being.
I saw you again the next day,
But only a mutual glimpse in passing
Deepened our connection,
Tightened the puppeteer string between our hands.
I saw you again the next night,
At our first lone dinner,
Full of awkward laughter and true smiles,
Ending with ****** tension thick enough to slice
With the blades I keep in a little purple box in my sock drawer.
You told me you wanted to cut that tension,
Tear our preventative electrical wire to shreds
So you could reach my lips.
But then you left.
Five days of me without you,
Me determining ways I could destroy our barrier,
Thinking up the different speeds I could run into your arms,
You mingling the crowds in a far away place,
Feeling the lips of another girl.
And you had the audacity to tell me,
To be proud of your endeavors in lust,
Not thinking twice about your words to me.
I don’t forget words.
Especially yours.

I’ve been dreaming about you lately.
sometimes they're daydreams about
you and I
living together
in a small house with
kids of our own, learning
how to live a full life.
happy.
I'm finally happy, clean.
no more cuts, no more burns.
no more thoughts of ending it all.
 
some dreams are
strange;
dreams of you slitting your own throat, telling me you
want to die.
I can’t stop you because I
understand your pain;
a wanting to feel
nothing.
and I just let you cut
deeper,
watching blood escape your
broken veins.
 
some dreams are
terrifying;
dreams of you driving to my house in the middle of the night, your
reckless driving causing you to
crash.
hours later, as we're all searching for you, I find your
body, cold and weary, lying on the
street.
no last words, no goodbye kiss.
 
but there's one dream in particular,
the scariest of them all.
no blood, no guts, no death;
we haven't seen each other in awhile, so
things get heated pretty fast.
we're alone.
hugs turn to
kisses and kisses turn to
touches  and needless to say,
clothes come off.
you're bewildered by what you see:
cuts everywhere.
my arms and thighs are laced in
rows of red.
new wounds, old scars,
everywhere.
I've hid them from you for
so long. and you told me
you were an understanding guy, but you've never
seen me so
vulnerable, so weak.
all walls have been
broken down.
things don't go well from here on out.
speechless, you don’t say a word, but you don't need words to
express your disgust,
I can see it in your eyes.
who wants to love a sad girl?
who wants to **** a freak?
the hardest part is watching the
pain flicker in your eyes.
"I'm better, I promise."
you never believed it, but you wanted to.
you wanted to have a normal girlfriend, believe me, I know.
 
although there's nothing gory about the dream, it's
scary as hell.
it could happen.
one day you could see my
scars and you could run.
just like everyone else.
please don’t be like them.
*please.

1680

Sometimes with the Heart
Seldom with the Soul
Scarcer once with the Might
Few—love at all.

I miss hearing you excitedly explain your dreams about Bill Murray saving your life
I miss hearing you explain why you never take Advil
I miss hearing your voice slur "what" and "hmm" together in a way only you could,

asking a question and simultaneously thinking about it too.

I miss telling you about why my mom takes the scissors out of my room.
I miss telling you "sorry i called last night" when i got drunk and you
weren't around,

(even though that never really stopped)

I miss my heart forgetting how to work every time we were together,
like morse code through my body pounding the scaredest possible "wow"

I miss you telling me "You're the worst" with a cocky smile.
I miss lying under the stars with you,
just looking while our friends made out beside us,
my neck uncomfortably on your arm because i was too shy to lie on your chest.

I miss sitting on your lap and worrying I would crush you,
and you reassuring me out of pride that I wouldn't,
that I couldn't.

I miss that day when we were drunk in you're best friends bed,
I was too scarred to kiss you so I just giggled,
and too drunk to remember how it eventually happened

I miss you making me feel small and beautiful and wanted.
I miss you making me feel big in a different way than my height ever could.

Bittersweet love makes my heart skip a beat, crashing like an ocean wave, it rolls through my mind, body and soul, my only goal is to make you mine and it's gunna take some time, and patience is a virtue that I hold true, to have you I'd wait forever for that it can't get no better, your forever love.

I have stopped counting,
the days, for they are now
just seconds and hours that pour away
into the blankness of life.

It doesn't pain me because it is an
understanding that for you
love could never mean anything
more than a prolonged feeling of monochromia.  

You have fallen,
and fallen again.
Love is nothing more than
a chasing game for you.

But if I had never
come into your life,
what could, in your ways of life,
it have proved?

Nothing.

It was the mischief of the cosmos
that wanted us to be.
Else the weaves of the universe
would come undone.

We have our stories
already written
by a known
hand.

All we are,
are characters
waiting.
Till our curtain falls.