Bought you flowers
Wasn't supposed to
Too late to mend
But bubble of joy
I wonder, was it true?
It gave me hope
Your bubble of joy
That I had one more chance
But I bought you flowers
I wasn't supposed to
Too late to mend.

Failed
I am the failed social experiment
Of a US Marine who was abused by his dad
And a Korean woman impressed by a US Marine

Failed
I think the only thing I succeeded in
Was forming in a womb
But even that was ****** up, I was premature with a racing heartbeat, an emergency birth?

Failed
I say I succeeded in that, but really
I am only the product of a ***** ******* into a ******
That it probably never should have been in

Failed
I've been told all my life I'm failed
I fail at this and fail at that, fail over here, and fail over there
Though my recent failures have become more and more substantial

Failed
Failed my English course because I was writing about
The love of my life when all of the sudden, she wasn't anymore,
I just kind of took the F instead of writing the **** paper with all the **** pain

Failed
Failed at relationships, I either jump to deep
Or jump all over them
Either way I guess I'm destined to jump, like a bipolar love

Failed
I am the failed baby
Of a woman who didn't even want it
Because I ******* cried too much as an infant

Failed
I am the child of parents
Who decided not to divorce "for the sake of the children"
But really, I probably would have been better off with one out of the two of them

Failed
I've failed at everything that matters to me in life
I finally give up.
God, if you exist, please take me home.

Sometimes I wish I could sleep
Forever, so that I could dream
So I could dream the dreams I keep dreaming
So that I could dream of you

Reality has become a nightmare for me
And I just try to dream
Except when I have those dreams
I awake to a nightmare I forgot to expect

Dad
You've been good to me
But I feel like nothing
Because you made me nothing when I was your puppet, when you tried to live your life through me

Dad
You're an ex-marine
But I didn't know that they taught marines
How to call their 4 year old children "babies", when asking you curious questions, when you said to shut up

Dad
You've been a police officer for 20 years
But I didn't know they taught police officers
How to tell their 14 year old boys they had a "distorted view of reality"

Dad
I still remember when you threw mom against the closet door
She showed me the bruise on her breast that was as big as a softball
I remember the fights you guys had and how you kicked the wall and stormed off in your car

Dad
I was like 4 years old when this happened, I could barely see over the window sill in our living room
But I can still remember exactly how it looked when you backed out and sped down the street
"Where's oppa going?", I asked my korean mother... ...all she did was throw me down and beat my bottom...

Dad
I was a sensitive child and believe it or not
Even though you and mom tried your best ...you didn't prepare me
You didn't prepare me to handle things...

To handle the kids who would push me around because I was smaller
To handle the other kids who pushed me because my face and skin looked different
To handle every time kids asked me if I knew karate when I was an innocent little 5 year old
To handle being spit on by any one of those kids
To handle love and relationships because you didn't teach me what love really was

To be able to deal with problems in life without freaking out or blaming myself, like when you would throw me in the floor or spank me until I peed my pants...

To be able to love the girl I wanted to spend my life with because even though I decided that I wouldn't do the kinds of things you did...I've ever known in life is what not to do, and when I tried something new, they were only slight variations of everything you did and now she's not coming back

I've ****** up my life now and you're finally mellowing out...
I wish you'd done so 18 years ago

Or maybe not been around

Why is it
That my whole life
I've been influenced by bad things

Why is it
That when I repeat those bad things
I get judged by one chance

Why is it
That when I finally learn
Is the time where people give up on me

Why is it
That they condemn me and make their final judgements
When I'm running back with the fix

Why is it
That the door slams shut on me
After I finally realize how to walk in

Why is it
That I realized distance was necessary
Just for you to make the distance permanent

Why is it
That your mom said we could fix ourselves
But now you've decided even she was wrong

Why is it
That the qualities you find in her
Are only qualities I found a second too late

Why is it
That the world is so cruel
To give the both of us such horrible lives

Why is it
That the environments we grew up in
Were nothing to teach us what to do

But only what not to do

The last 19 poems I wrote
In the last 3 hours
Are like a bad cartoon

The first ones are like title cards, intro cards, and short 1-slide segments
The last ones are the meat and potatoes of the show

The pilot of a bad cartoon

I'm dead
I'm dead not because of you
And I've not really blamed you
Though I just read a poem you wrote where you thought I blamed you

Your mother
She's not all that bad
She was just really bad to me,
Sometimes

Kind of like I was bad to you,
Sometimes

She killed me
Like I killed you

But I became
The child
Who gets bullied
Who grows to be a bully

I've made such mistakes
But I need to clear some things

In those two weeks I ignored you
I reflected too

And when I came back
I tried so hard

Not to fix you
But to fix myself

Because as you very well know
I was the broken one all along

Except now that I've fixed myself
You've left me to die

For real this time
So if there's anything I can blame you for

It's for locking me up now
Imprisoning my newly freed me

I still don't blame you though
Even though you stuck with me

Until the moment
I was fixed

That you led me on through the process
But once I got to the finish line

Told me there was no race
After all

I sit now alone with my mind
Wondering if I deserved what I got

If I deserved the threats
The phone calls

Getting the **** scared out of me

But I don't wonder one second

That you deserved anything I did to you
But if only we were left alone

Maybe it would have been different

Except now I don't even know
If I can say that because it sounds like I'm not taking blame

But like I said outside your car window
I've become you

I don't know what's okay to say
Or what's okay to feel

And I won't let someone help me
The way you're letting her

I mean I will and I am
I've found someone who's been through similar

She's really cool and
I've become a great friend with her

But I'll not let myself fall in love
Because I have more respect for you than that

I have more respect than to act like
What we had was a fools game

Because I can read between the lines,
I tried to see both sides

But sometimes thats hard
And it's really ******* hard

I thought you had more respect for what we had
Than to dump me that way

I thought you had more respect for it
Than to jump into something new so fast

I thought you'd at least be mindful
Of what you spent so much time

Making me believe
That you'd be waiting for me

Like I'll always wait for you
After all