So those last string of poems will be the basis of the contents of my book.

The title will be
"****** Up:
258 Days Between Heaven and Hell, Fighting An Angel With My Own Personal Demons"

I don't think I'll ever live it down.

258 days,

September

I've typed well over 3000 words now and it's 3:30 in the morning. I'm sweating and crying. My mouth is dry as cotton. My left pinky is sore because I have arthritis from when I broke it and my wrist hurts because I think I'm developing carpal tunnel. I've been typing for hours. So, let me try this again...

September

We both got lost in September.
You told me literally every single day that you were unstable.

I felt like the puppet in a play where I'm supposed to be the good guy
But the play is a satire where I'm actually the worst...

I cried a lot. I didn't know what to do. Or if I could help you.
I could see it in your eyes. I could see you tremble. I saw the fear.
I think I told you sorry like 50 times one day I was over.
I saw it in your eyes how sad you were. You weren't happy.

I realized I'd ****** up
But I'm me, and that means I'll just keep ******* up the same old ****
The same old **** over and over and over...
Without realizing it until it's but a second too late.

You asked me to go to the dance with you.
Where would we be right now, if I had simply been able to say yes?
I wasn't strong enough to say yes, sweet girl.
I was broken by a conglomeration...a giant melting *** of the situation and my past.

I had a good time with you at prom the year before.
I told you I didn't. That I was freaking out.
I did have a good time. Except when I was really freaking out was this last September.
You calmed my fears and made it worthwhile.

I still can't even believe I got a girl to come with me for my senior prom.
I thank you so much for that. Even though I kind of ****** it up too.
I can't let myself take it for granted either, what I've done to you.
I know I've ****** it all up.

If I could do it over (I keep saying this over and over, I've ****** up so much)
I would have just said yes and continued to try to figure things out
How to make things better and fix the pain
So that I could be to you what I've always wanted to be for you

Except I just wasn't strong enough in September,
A recurring theme throughout the summer
Wasn't strong enough to be there for you
Wasn't strong enough to be nice to you

So many ******* excuses I made over time
But it was true...I was struggling and my life was hard
But I should have known that the best thing for you and me both
Was to face a fear, where I was afraid of something stupid

If I haven't done things directly,
I've done them indirectly, like...
If I simply wasn't in the situation, no matter what was actually in my control,
None of this **** would have happened to you

This month ended with me calling your mom out (she'd historically been quite mean to me, but how dumb was I to do it on public facebook...)
Another horrid phone call ...

...(my hands hurt too bad to write much about this one, said I all I ever did with you was **** with your head, lied to you, blew you off...)
Myself going crazy, telling you I was horrible, awful, nothing, trash...(sound familiar at all?)

And the ending of our relationship

I think I've effectively hated myself since that night
When you were in my car and I self destructed to you
The same way I remember you self destructing toward me
Except you played no part

Your mom is the one that killed me but
I'd still hug your mom to this day though...and I miss little Andrew so much...
Your mom isn't that bad. She's done a lot for you. Gone through so much...(she made it very clear to me in the phone calls, I'll never go through any kind of pain like she did...)

I don't know what to say about myself anymore except
I'm weak
I'm soft
I'm broken

They say hindsight is 20/20.
If only I'd had a time machine.

*September

258 days,

August
Between July and August,
I think I said the dumbest things I've ever said to any organism that breathes, ever.
Ever.
I went so crazy throughout the summer.
I kept missing Nick.
I told you such horrible ****. I should really just ******* **** myself for what I told you.
I seriously told you I only was with you because you'd probably hurt yourself.
I seriously told you that fair wasn't important.
I threw hissy fits over not hanging out. When it was mostly my fault anyway.
Doesn't that just prove how awful I am
...
You know, I'll probably treat the next girl to stumble into my heart bad too.
I'm a bad person.
Surely I will, because I'll never get over you, who I called my soul mate...
So how could I treat the next person well?
Instead, to save everyone the trouble,
I should probably just **** myself. Really.
But I can't push myself to do it,
Because that seems like an easy way out of this pain
That's a way out of my pain.
I need to keep living this life I'm in now
I need to keep suffering and dying, without you.
I've convinced myself I deserve it.
My life is so awful, that I consider living normally a form of self harm...

So anyway...

I kind of took Brandon under my wing, as he missed Nick too, even more than I did,
I spent way more time with Brandon, than I did with you.
I'm sorry I did so. He felt so guilty, for not going over there, how he or I could have saved him.

I spent the whole first week of this month out of state too.
Hold on, rewind the tape.
I told you what you were doing was unimportant
Yet I was out of state at a country music festival and that was supposed to be important?
I was so ******* stupid.

It was only then that I realized how ******* horrible I was to you. When I finally started piecing this whole thing together.

I can't blame your parents for jack squat.
I don't blame your friends.
I don't blame that girl you're falling for, that picked you up,
Because you needed picked up.
I still can't believe what I did to you.

Invited you over on my brothers birthday,
I would be moving into my parents house soon, and I wanted you to meet them
You smeared icing on my nose,
I got you back.
My grandparents were there, and things were moderately happy.
At least, okay...

Then I saw the scars on your arm.
Then I lost my cool.
Then when I drove you home,
I drove as if I was dropping you off at the ******* hospital like you were ******* dying
And after I dropped you off
I drove like I was ******* suicidal

It was my fault you relapsed
I'll always blame myself
Because I treated you like ******* ****
And I can't not blame myself.
I can't blame you for anything looking back
Because all I did was tear you up and let you down
I told you it was okay.
You didn't believe me...
Meanwhile I was fuming,
Some because of the promise you made me
But really, because all I'd ever done was **** things up
I can't blame this on your parents.
I can't blame you.

That's August.

258 days,

July

I don't know what to say about July, love.
I was so awful to you.
There are things I don't remember about July.
I remember things I told you.
But I don't remember experiencing July.
I turned cold and numb and mean.
I kind of became that old man down the street that won't let the kids
Ride their tricycles down the sidewalk in front of his porch, keeps a gun inside the door.

I turned into such a ****.
And you were traumatized too. I don't know
Why I pretended that what happened in June didn't affect you
As much as it did me.
I guess it was because your parents ****** me

I'm so ******* sorry.
I wish I could take back every syllable I said. Every sound. Every word.
I hope you understand some day. Take all the time you want.
Take years.
Decades...
Chances are,
I'll still think you're beautiful when you're 70 and frail.
I promise, if you'd let me, I'll come back and date you like we're young again.
I love you that much.
That's a promise I'll keep.
I'll never make such broken promises
That I made to you throughout our relationship
Ever, the ****, again.

*July

258 days,

June

First week of June?
Amazing. I'd experienced your body...for real this time. Did more with you than I'd ever done with anyone. That party...

Sister, brother leaving...

Couch...
Us...

Not like it matters, now.
Reminds me. I should probably be put in a straight jacket if you ever get close to me again someday. Like, if you ever decide you can be okay with what I did to you. What I did to you was not okay, though.

June 13th
Hickey #2 ("#3) found
Whoops. We got too caught up in this whole ****** business...
Gauntlet thrown down
My aunt was over with her two children
8:27pm: "Please call us ***-***-XXXX"
Replied 8:35pm: "I can't right now. My aunt and her kids are over...
Lizzie told me she was in trouble during her break. I'm assuming I'm in trouble too? I'm not going to make any excuses this time and I apologize. Its my fault. I can call when my aunt leaves."

Around 8:45pm, my cell phone rings. My aunt and her kids are still over.
I am shaking so badly that I have trouble sliding my finger on the touchscreen to pick up the call.
Some of the call is a blur to me.
I cried so hard.
I shook so hard.
I cramped in places I'd never cramped before.
I was gagging on the phone and it just made them more mad at me.
Around 9:55 the phone call ends.
They told me they were going to take all your clothes off.
They pushed me to admit I'd had *** with you.
I wouldn't admit it.
I wouldn't admit anything except the hickey.
God knows we did more.
But I just hoped that God understood that I never wanted to lose you.
I never wanted to lose you.
They asked for my 18th birthday, so they could mark their calendar as the "day they could touch me"
(Because assault on a minor = felony, assault on adult goes much more easily)
I never wanted to lose you.
That threat alone almost made me **** myself. They threatened to hurt me. Physically. On my birthday.
I never wanted to lose you.
They told me they had expectations for me.
They told me I had to hold a certain GPA, and wouldn't tell me what it was.
They told me I needed to have a certain job, by a certain date, and they wouldn't tell me what the date was.
They told me to "let them take care of that ****", the dates they wouldn't tell me.
They told me I should graduate in 3 years, I forgot about this one...
Claimed "I was smart enough to do it" and that "maybe it would prove I was worth their daughter seeing"
They compared me to Zack W. and how they made him break up with you.
They told me they wouldn't force me to do that but that I'd be sorry for what I did.
...by the end of the phone call though, she had softened up.
After all, I was crying so hysterically...she either pretended, or temporarily understood that I was sorry.
She told Ray I was really sorry.
Ray though, was in the background screaming
"That ****** isn't sorry. He ain't ******' sorry."
...
When you got home that night,
They took it easy on you.
They didn't actually strip your clothes off.
They told you they were "kinda harsh" on me and that I "took most of it for you"...
...
...
...
The week before, my friend Nick drank himself to death. He essentially committed suicide.
...
Two weeks later, your mom refused to talk at all about this phone call.
It was sick what she did to me.
I was sick inside. I hated myself. Not to mention Nick invited me over the night he died.
He would be alive had I been there that night.
...
If I had been there with Nick, he wouldn't have died.
...
...
I ended June full of so much guilt. So much confusion. So much pain. I lost a friend. I lost myself.
...
June.

258 days,

May
May was a good month. Our only "good month".
If you can even call it good.
We fell more in love than I would have ever believed.
You made me believe.
I started to believe that the storm was over.
That I could finally write a new chapter with you.
That you could write new chapters too.
You told me you threw away your blades. (To this day, I don't know if you ever did)
You told me you'd love me forever.
I told you I'd love you forever.
We told each other we'd love each other forever.
May was intense.
My feelings for you had never been stronger.
Sweet girl, I wish I could relive May for the rest of my life, that when I'd wake up from it,
It would be the beginning of May again...
I think one week you and I spent every single day together
We were spending a lot of time together
Word on the street though was that your grades had been slipping.
Word...on...grades...slipping.
I remember coming over and your mom asking about it
She wasn't really being that mean
I just took it too harshly I guess.
Your parents seemed a little upset that we were spending so much time together.
You needed to focus on your school work, they said.
We did our thing though.
Somewhere in between April and May, a hickey...I gave you one...I had one too
Your mom called me a vampire.
She made jokes about it like every second I was in the car, or in the house (when Ray wasn't there, anyway)
Gave me a little warning not to do it anymore.
So I guess near the middle of May, a hickey appeared on your neck
I'd been making sure not to bite, so I don't know how it got there. Maybe it was just a bruise?
Your mom wasn't so kind this time around.  She warned that next time she was telling Ray. She seemed angry, but seemed to let it slide.
Did I mention I freaked out a little?
I'm overly sensitive.

Going through the rest of May though was bliss with you. We made some more ****** advances...
We just made sure to be careful about them.
Except we weren't ACTUALLY careful.
At all.
Nope.

I still remember May 24th...graduation day, kissed your stomach. What the **** was I doing?

So that was May.

258 days,

April
April was unusually cold,
Started out badly
I'd hurt you as March come to a close,
And I know that you tortured yourself over something I shouldn't have been upset about
Not to mention I got upset about even more stupid things
Like what I called your "liberal use of social media"
and
"neglect of me when I was with you"

I'll have to stop this story too,
Looking back on my choice of words I wonder what the **** I was doing
I had no place to call you out for having friends, or for talking to them
And you'd already done more than enough for me just being with me in the first place
After I pushed so many ******* problems on you.

I mean, it did legitimately hurt, when you were in my arms, but instead of cuddling
Was wrapped up in beating people at Ruzzle
Or trying to beat the level of Flow you couldn't beat the night before
That hurt pretty bad, I put up with it for a couple months...

But in the end all it became was another thing I ****** up for you
Because I took it all way too far
I got so mad at you, you deleted every social media app
You ran away from home,
You peddled 2 miles in the rain, and stopped right down the street from where I was living
And I didn't even have the heart
To walk down and comfort you the way I should have done
I traumatized you so bad, that I'd forever be sorry, for that alone
You kept telling me it was your fault, you kept trying to coax me into believing you were ****
Nothing
Worthless
Useless
Trash
Don't think I don't remember every word spoken in that phone call, when it was pouring down rain that day

I have to stop the story again...
That was the first time that I realized how sensitive you were. While I should have gone about it differently, you self destructed. You self hated. It wasn't ALL my fault. Your past was rough on you. People have hurt you. Your whole life has been such a struggle. You were made of glass and I forgot to label the shipping box as fragile. I broke you. I'm sorry.

Turns out, I was able to glue you back together. At least you led me on to believe...
I tried really hard.

So later in April...
You're over for church.
You seem okay, seem some better
But you had relapsed
After church we went on a walk, down through the sports complex
It was fun, but when we were making out I slipped my fingers up your right arm
I felt the scabs

You got so scared. I'm so sorry. The way you shook in my arms, when you got home...
I still feel the exact sensation of it, on my left side
My arm was wrapped around, and I felt it from my hand to my shoulder, from my shoulder to my knee. You were on my left, and you glanced into my eyes with the saddest look I'd ever seen on your face.
I feel that right now. I feel those tremors.
I looked over and whispered in your ear: "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry"
What good would that do though
You felt so horrible
Plus you wouldn't even let me blame myself for what I'd done
I felt more connected to you in that moment though than I'd ever had before.
I felt your true pain for the first time in my life.

My grandparents ordered pizza that night.
I remember how you and I sat at the kitchen table and you were still shaking.
We talked for 4 hours, love. Four hours.
That day I realized what a monster I'd become. I made you promise to me...
That you would never cut again, if I was with you, or not with you.
If I had hurt you, or someone else had hurt you.
Because I knew that there was a chance of me becoming that monster again.
And I needed you to understand that day, how special you really were.
I needed to show you so that if a day ever came that I lost who I was again,
You'd have the strength to take care of yourself.
I still remember crying on your shoulder.
I still remember the tears you left on mine.
I still remember holding your hand.
I still remember the trust you found in me.

The next part of April went okay.
I tried to build you up.
We started getting more intimate with each other though.
The kissing became heavier...
Hands moved more...
Hugs were as if we were trying to force our bodies to combine into one lone thing

...so that was April