258 days,

March
Man, march was two steps forward and one step back for us.
Several things happened in March
Heidi still wouldn't shut up
I think I admitted to you I was having flashbacks of her when I was with you,
I'm sure that didn't feel too great for you. You couldn't blame yourself (did you? I'm so sorry)
There were times when I kissed you I had to stop and look into your eyes
You're beautiful, were then, were now, when I looked, it cured my flashbacks
So that's where the whole thing happened where you were like
"What?" and I told you you were "just beautiful" ...you were just beautiful. So wonderful.
Things going well!
But... ... ...
Second week of March, I come over one evening, stayed till dark
We're allowed up in your room, hooray! You kept the door open so we wouldn't get in trouble
That night,
You had on Chicago the Musical, playing on the TV in your room
In hindsight, the plot is quite clever and I'll probably watch it someday soon as I'm crying over you
...anyway
Yes, I'm cursed with a memory that good...
I didn't like musicals. I put up this silly front and told you I thought they were too fake.
I was a little mean. I just told you that if you liked musicals though that was okay...
Except it turns out in the future I didn't let it be okay
Anyway, Joanna came upstairs, we just picked another movie...
I'm pretty sure I said "I really would rather not watch a musical, something else would be fine"
Ended up...
Playing Halo with Andrew in between making out
Until I left around 8:15
But I forgot my phone charger there
Came back to pick it up, but this information is insignificant
... ... ...
So third week it is, we go out to see the AYP / AYS Spring Side-By-Side Concert
Just so happened to play selections from Les Miserables
You sung really beautifully
And all my stupid self could do was look at you like I wanted to tape your mouth shut
Leaned away from you a little, you were on my left, I leaned on my right arm
I even remember which row and seats we were sitting in
I remember how you asked what was wrong
I told you "nothing" and I couldn't say more

Sweet girl, I have to stop this story right now because at that moment, I knew very well how stupid it was that I was doing that to you. I realized I got extremely defensive over the stupidest **** in the world, but I couldn't get over my stupid reaction. So I just quit talking. But I was quite bothered. But I couldn't help it. But it was so ******* mean.

Reminiscent of how I treated Heidi...how I did that to you. Heidi would hurt me and I didn't want to hurt her so I just gritted my teeth and told her it was nothing. Over time it got worse and I got angry over the dumbest ****, before I finally gathered the courage to break up with her.

I knew that I loved you exactly as you were, but you got the leftovers from my ****** relations with her and I'm so ******* sorry I did that to you, that I coaxed you to change, that I ruined something that made you happy for you

If I could go back to March I would, I would beat the absolute **** out of my past self for what I did...

258 days,

February
Not much I remember as far as specific events
But I do remember the nights and the talks
I was busy telling you I was falling in love
We were talking about the kinds of music we liked
Sharing stories about our pasts
I'll spare talking about the stories about your past you told me
I remember how you said you were bad at texting
But you did pretty well
On and on we went. I remember at least 2 weeks of that month sitting on my grandpa's recliner
Texting you about so many things
Our mistakes. My childhood. Your childhood.
I know I spent some days still bothering you about Heidi too
Everyday she was putting something new up on facebook about how she hated me
How angry she was at me, the things she wrote were horrible
But I was okay because I had you
And she was so mean...
She didn't understand that it wasn't meant to be

258 days
Are the number of days we were together, sweet girl

January ...
High School Basketball Game
50 texts
50 smiles
So cute
You didn't even mean it
Spleen smiles
Next week
You want me to come over
To help decorate for your birthday party tomorrow
Instead, making out on the porch
"I'm so bad"
... ... ...
Tomorrow
I'm sorry, I don't have any gift except for myself
Pop the question
Will you be mine?
There marked day 1
More spleen smiles
... ... ... still get this flashback so clear in my mind, in Ray's chair, Dani was up on the left arm, you and I cuddling in the seat, she looks over and tells us how cute we look

... ... ...
Every other day in that month consisting basically of
Heidi said this
Heidi said that
Help me help me
She's on facebook going nuts about me
I even called her four times for hours trying to calm her down
You told me it wasn't my fault
Our senses of humour blended really well
Spleen smiles all the way
You were my anchor
I fell in love

Heidi
I fell in love with you at the age of 15, and I remember how I rode my bicycle
The 4 miles across town almost every day that summer, two and a half years ago
How much effort I put in to make the 40 minute ride over, just to come visit you

Heidi
I remember your friends and they were nice at first, until your best friend Jaina
Thought the word *****, was a part of everyday language and I realized
She wasn't even good for much except putting people down and going outside to smoke

Heidi
I remember the stories you told me about them and how you said you felt obligated
To take care of them, and that they meant a lot to you, how you loved them
For their silly jokes and shenanigans and just the fact that they were "******* badass"

Heidi
I remember when Jaina, Miles, and David were over one night I came for dinner
They just walked in unprompted, and ruined the time we had alone
I remember how you all laughed at me when David made a sick joke about my racial makeup

Heidi
I got up from the table and went to the bathroom to cry that night
Not because I had to go to the bathroom but because you replied to his joke by laughing along
And you even made another joke saying "But he's our token asian"

Heidi
I remember sitting next to you on your bed when we would watch movies all evening
But I also remember your attitude and the things you called me the whole time
"Asian buddy"

Heidi
I started noticing things about you I hadn't seen before because my love was blind
Like how badly you treated people, just like your friends did
Like how self-absorbed you were and how quickly you and your friends ego's fell apart

When you realized going to the corrupt Art Institutes for art degrees to make art was probably a bad idea

Heidi
You were having a hard time finding yourself and what you wanted to do with your life
Because you'd spent all your time in high school thinking you were on top of everyone
I led you on for almost 8 months before I decided enough was enough

Heidi
I should have left you early on because during those 8 months I tried to change you
Talk to my friends, I talked to them nonstop about you and what I should do with you
I remember how I only stayed because it wouldn't be fair to you for all the work we put in

Heidi
I'm sorry I hurt you but you hurt me too and as time went by I realized
You weren't even close to someone I wanted to spend any time with
You were nothing I could love, a proven *****

I took the last 5 minutes
To find some grace and hope

I'll be okay.
Carry on

I've become too self aware
To do any of that ****
To you
Anymore

I've become too self aware
To do any of that ****
To you
Anymore

I've become too self aware
To do any of that ****
To you
Anymore

I need you to sit down
And stop blaming me
Because

No I don't deserve to talk to you

Lately I've had an itch
The kind of itch where I keep scratching
Scratching
scratching
scratch

bleed