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Sam Conrad Dec 2013
You should hate me
You shouldn't want me
You shouldn't listen to my excuses
Though I listen to yours

"How can I...when my whole life people have told me I'm not good enough"

If I was mean I'd call that a ******* excuse

But it isn't an excuse

It's a horrible circumstance that I know was tough for you

You need to understand that I went through such horrible things

And I know I treated you horribly

But I never did really want you to change

I was only unsatisfied with something I made up in my head

I wasn't satisfied with myself
I'm so upset tonight I can't even structure these things
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Do you remember Thursday
When I picked you up from work
You know, the week before homecoming
The last time you were in my car?

Do you remember my state of mind
How ******* crazy I was
After your mother ****** me up
After I lost my mind
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Both our views are distorted
You took some things I said the wrong way
Other things I said were just plain bad

There are so many things I need to tell you
But you won't listen to me
It's lovely when people play mind games with someone

It was wonderful what your parents did to me
That wonderful day in June
I almost committed suicide in my grandmother's basement

I made your life hell after that day
**** me

What's really ****** up though
Is how when I told you
It was horrible what your parents did to me

You took it like I said your parents were horrible
But what you didn't see
Was how I tried to respect their crazy antics

Even after they bullied me
More than kids ever could have
When I was beaten up and spit on
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Perfect

Don't you remember
When I told you you were perfect
That one time, and the other time, and the time after that,
And every Sunday when you came over for church

Don't you know
That I've always thought you were perfect
But my brain was ****** up over ****
That happened before you came along

Don't you know
That I had trouble, when I told you she ****** me up

****
This isn't finished. I'm so upset.
I love you, god ******.
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Sometimes I pray
I pray that you will understand someday that I always loved you
And not for a day did my love for you falter
Regardless of the horrible horrible **** I did to you

Sometimes I pray
You understand I never meant to hurt you but I didn't know myself
I was a mirror image of that ***** that killed me
That I never got to explain that whole story to you

Sometimes I pray
That you will forgive me for the horrible things I said
But that you would recognize the good too
Because I know I told you a thousand times that you were good enough

Sometimes I sit and cry
I don't ******* believe in the god I pray to
I just have to do it so I don't grab the knife
The knife looks so tempting sometimes and it's hard to defer death

Sometimes I wonder
Why you didn't understand that I thought you were perfect from the start
But that I was a ticking time bomb
That last person planted something in me that you couldn't see

I'm so ******* sorry
For every ******* thing I did
I said horrible things I didn't mean.
I ******* swear I didn't mean them

The heat of the moment caught me off guard
I became the horrible stew of my father, my mother,
That awful ***** who kept me trapped for almost 2 years
I ******* hate her now just like you ******* hate me

But she doesn't have a heart
If she does you'd need a ******* microscope to see it
She was never there for me
She always catered to herself

Sometimes, I ******* hate myself
I might commit suicide if I keep thinking about things
All I can do is try to pretend you'll forgive me
Because if you don't

You might see my obituary in the paper someday
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
Up
Things are moving up
There is no going back
There is no going down
Only going up

But I'm still up
At 4 in the morning
Just like I was last night
Only like the last fifty nights
Sam Conrad Dec 2013
So I found some love
The love that you lost
But I found it and thought
You might want it back

So I picked up the love
The love that you dropped
For it was heavy like lead
That wouldn't let you fly

So I've been saving this love
The love you don't want
I've put it in my heart just in case
You might come back for it someday

Now my heart is so heavy
For it is full of that love
It labours as it beats for you
As it waits for your return

But my heart has no brain
It doesn't know you won't come
Though my brain knows it
I can't tell my heart that you're gone

My heart latched to that love
The love that you lost
I can't take it back out
Though my heart is dying

My heart is like a library dropbox
But I gave you the key
I threw the love in my heart
To keep it safe for your return

I'm not quite sure how
I can rescue my heart
If only you'd come back to it
To take claim to your love

As each day passes by
My heart beats a little slower
It's a calming thing but
Soon the beats will stop
"To survive it is often necessary to fight and to fight you have to ***** yourself." - George Orwell

"Man is not imprisoned by habit. Great changes in him can be wrought by crisis ...once that crisis can be recognized and understood." - Norman Cousins
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