You should hate me
You shouldn't want me
You shouldn't listen to my excuses
Though I listen to yours

"How can I...when my whole life people have told me I'm not good enough"

If I was mean I'd call that a ******* excuse

But it isn't an excuse

It's a horrible circumstance that I know was tough for you

You need to understand that I went through such horrible things

And I know I treated you horribly

But I never did really want you to change

I was only unsatisfied with something I made up in my head

I wasn't satisfied with myself

Do you remember Thursday
When I picked you up from work
You know, the week before homecoming
The last time you were in my car?

Do you remember my state of mind
How ******* crazy I was
After your mother ****** me up
After I lost my mind

Both our views are distorted
You took some things I said the wrong way
Other things I said were just plain bad

There are so many things I need to tell you
But you won't listen to me
It's lovely when people play mind games with someone

It was wonderful what your parents did to me
That wonderful day in June
I almost committed suicide in my grandmother's basement

I made your life hell after that day
**** me

What's really ****** up though
Is how when I told you
It was horrible what your parents did to me

You took it like I said your parents were horrible
But what you didn't see
Was how I tried to respect their crazy antics

Even after they bullied me
More than kids ever could have
When I was beaten up and spit on

Perfect

Don't you remember
When I told you you were perfect
That one time, and the other time, and the time after that,
And every Sunday when you came over for church

Don't you know
That I've always thought you were perfect
But my brain was ****** up over ****
That happened before you came along

Don't you know
That I had trouble, when I told you she ****** me up

****

Sometimes I pray
I pray that you will understand someday that I always loved you
And not for a day did my love for you falter
Regardless of the horrible horrible **** I did to you

Sometimes I pray
You understand I never meant to hurt you but I didn't know myself
I was a mirror image of that ***** that killed me
That I never got to explain that whole story to you

Sometimes I pray
That you will forgive me for the horrible things I said
But that you would recognize the good too
Because I know I told you a thousand times that you were good enough

Sometimes I sit and cry
I don't ******* believe in the god I pray to
I just have to do it so I don't grab the knife
The knife looks so tempting sometimes and it's hard to defer death

Sometimes I wonder
Why you didn't understand that I thought you were perfect from the start
But that I was a ticking time bomb
That last person planted something in me that you couldn't see

I'm so ******* sorry
For every ******* thing I did
I said horrible things I didn't mean.
I ******* swear I didn't mean them

The heat of the moment caught me off guard
I became the horrible stew of my father, my mother,
That awful ***** who kept me trapped for almost 2 years
I ******* hate her now just like you ******* hate me

But she doesn't have a heart
If she does you'd need a ******* microscope to see it
She was never there for me
She always catered to herself

Sometimes, I ******* hate myself
I might commit suicide if I keep thinking about things
All I can do is try to pretend you'll forgive me
Because if you don't

You might see my obituary in the paper someday

Things are moving up
There is no going back
There is no going down
Only going up

But I'm still up
At 4 in the morning
Just like I was last night
Only like the last fifty nights