i felt the reluctance
in your movements,
in your touch,
in your hair and fingernails.

i heard reluctance
in your voice,
in your word choices,
in your subtleties and screams.

i knew, reluctantly,
that i wasn't there,
and that, reluctantly,
you were. i'm still not.

I don't mean to be an inconvenience
but it'd be irrepressible to be alone
and, given time to find out my own flaws,
I can rework myself, digest myself a bit,
and have a better way to present it,
even though I know you'll resent it.

every morning's the same thing:

awaken, fight another hang over,
coffee and advil, water, coffee,
coffee, coffee, coffee, shower,
then work.  forget why i'm here,
remember who i am,
change subjects, mindsets,
did i change my underwear?
oh, i forgot about that shower.
did i change my life?
i forgot to start that, again.

let me stray from this flock,
get eaten by wolves,
as you've been misled
by a sheep in wolves' clothing.
it's the only true form of justice
i can serve as now.

one day this vessel i sail
will sink in the ground
and escape this hell

until that day, for now,
see i only do as needed
as i need to somehow

I'd be okay
to die disappointed.
That way
my hopes never held
weight