I've been thinking
That maybe I should write a book
A novel
But then I say to myself,
"No, you can't do that."
"You're thoughts go all over the place."
"You have to be focused to write a book."
"You're not focused."
"You can't even focus yourself long enough,"
"to keep you sane."
Yeah, I'm not going to write a book
Or a novel
I have to work
On my sanity first.

I'm gonna leave this godforsaken town
I'll hitchhike out west
To California
To the beach
The infinite ocean
Doesn't know who I was
It gives me the opportunity
To a clean slate
Oh god how I need that
I'll get to start over
I'll leave the past behind me
And I'll look forward to what lies ahead

You come up to me
And you kiss me
It's hard, rough
Then I smell it
The smell of too many drinks
You drag me to the bathroom
You push me against the wall
You kiss everywhere
You touch everywhere
This isn't you
The real you
The you that would normally
  lay me down on a soft bed
The you that would kiss my neck
The you that would be so tender
So gentle
This you is an animal
A monster taken over by alcohol
I know you will leave bruises
I know you will do it again in 10 minutes
I know you won't even remember tomorrow
So why do I not object?
Why do I just go along?

I like being alone
And yet I don't
I like being alone
Because I don't have to pretend
Pretend to be happy
I don't like being alone
Because I don't trust myself to be alone
With my thoughts

You just continue to surprise me
Don't you?
You can't even be faithful to your new girl
Can you?
She deserves better than you
Doesn't she?
I guess you just don't give a **** about either of us
Do you?

You finally did it
You finally pushed all my buttons
Got on every last nerve
Pushed me over the edge
You just love to see me in pain
No, wait
No you don't
I don't even matter that much to you
I'm just the toy at the bottom of the chest
You'll only play with me for a little while
Then you'll throw me aside for another toy
A better toy
And no matter what
You know I'll never leave the chest
You know I'll always be there
Always be waiting for the off chance
That someday I'll be your favorite toy

I want to go to Wonderland
I want to drink tea with the Mad Hatter
I want to talk with the Cheshire cat
I want to take down the Red Queen

I want to go to Neverland
I want to swim with the mermaids
Run with the Indians
Fly with the Lost Boys

I want to fly away
Just you and me
I want to create a new land
The most magnificent one ever made

Everything's spinning around me
I'm fading into the dark
I'm trembling
I'm sobbing
I'm screaming
I'm biting my bottom lip so hard
That it bleeds
I can't escape this hell
I can't escape myself
No matter how hard I try.

You're lost
You're in too deep
You got caught up
They've drowned you
In their false beauty
Swim out
Keep going
You can make it out
Get out
While you've still got the chance

I thought you could make it out
But you couldn't
You didn't even try
Now you're forcing the same terrible fate
That was forced upon you
You're drowning others
With false beauty and fool's gold
You've lost your chance
You let it slip
Right between your fingers

I lie here
In this godforsaken place
It's cold
It's so, so cold
Cold like the hearts
Of the people here
Please
Wrap me up
And take me away
Take me away to
Where it's warm

Come with me
We're gonna drive
Drive far, far away
Just you and me
We've burned bridges in this place
We've been hurt in this place
So tell me:
Why stay?

I don't know you
You don't know me
We don't know each other
Yet we do
Somehow,
Some way,
We are connected.

Where'd you go?
I thought you were supposed to help us
Why is so terrible down here
There's so much fear
So much hate
Did we all **** up in another life
Is this the Hell
You said you would condemn us to?

I think I've finally done it
I think I've finally hurt you
Like you've hurt me

You said, "Let's go to the bathroom."
I said, "Wait, let me get drunk first."

You said, "I really miss hanging out with you."
I said, "I miss not being sober."

You said, "I want to be more than your friend."
I said, "I want to get more ****** up."

I think I've finally hurt you
Because now you know that
You've made me so disgusted with myself
That I can't be around you or me
Sober.

I ought to hit you
I ought to kick you
I ought to stab you
I ought to cut you
I ought to **** you
Oh god I want to **** you
I want you dead
I want you gone
Vaporized
But it's not you I'm talking about
Even though that's what you deserve
But I'm talking about someone else
Someone that I've known longer
Someone that I know all too well
Someone that truly deserves this
That disgusting thing I'm talking about
Is me.

You disappoint me
They disappoint me
We disappoint me
I disappoint me
Nothing is ever right
No matter how hard we try
The amount of effort we give
Will end up being pointless
So I don't try anymore
People ask me why
Why? Why? Why?
They say, why did you stop?
They say, you were so good
I say, you didn't think that back then
I say, I was never good enough
I say, so there's no point anymore
At that moment my heart tells me,
A piece of you just died

How could you?
You just keep using me
   Like I don't even matter
    Like I don't even have feelings
     You keep using me
       What am I to you?
         Am I anything?
           No?
            Alright then
              Looks like I wasted my time

Don't listen to me
Don't believe a thing I say
I will lie to you
I will trick you
I will manipulate you
I will ******* over
I will do anything
To try and keep you

I pick petals off
  Brown flowers as the charcoal
Clouds hide the sun, I'm
   Lost in endless corridors
Filled with whispers of nothing

I want you
To do
So many things to me
I want you to breathe me in
Like I'm the summer air
I want you to stare at me
Like I'm actually beautiful
I want you to hold my hand
Like it was made to fit
I want you to kiss me
Like I taste like candy
I want you **** me
Like I'm an animal
I want you to love me
Like you actually care

I'm drowning
In a vast sea
In a wonderful, wonderful sea of
Smirnoff
It's suffocating me
But I can't get enough
I love it too much
I breathe it in
It sets me free
It frees me of these troubles
Frees me of you
Frees me of me
So go ahead
Be with her
I've got my beautiful sea
It makes me forget
It makes me complete

I'm here
In my house
By myself
I'm planning
Planning my escape
As I sit here
Listening to the Ramones
Drinking the night away
Im planning my escape
My escape from this town
My escape from my past
My escape from you
My escape from me

In bright lights of the halls
Was the first time I met you

Under the raging sun
Was the first time we kissed

Covered in the blanket of night
Was the first time we gave each other all

In the blink of an eye
Was when I lost you
To her

These places
These events
These things
Cloud my mind
And the fog won't let up
This thick fog,
Full of narcissism and anger,
Reek of *******
That tries to hide me from beauty
The beauty of the thought that I could actually
  be my own person some day.

This hurts so bad
I've never felt pain like this
I've seen your texts
The texts with her
You truely are a perfect couple
But, what about me?
What happens to me?
You've left me by myself
Again
I can't stop crying
I can't stop thinking
I can't stop feeling
I want you so bad
I would sell my soul for you
And you know that
I would run away for you
And you know that
I would **** for you
And you know that
But it doesn't matter
You're with her
And I can't compete with her

There she goes
She smiles at you with pearly whites
Her perfect auburn hair flows behind her
Her beautiful blue eyes stare at you
They are filled with love

You smile back
With an equal amount of love
Your green eyes sparkle
You run your hands through you hair
And blush when she hugs you

I watch from a distance
I try to hide my pain
My despair
As I feel my heart breaking
There's only one way to survive this

She is perfect
She is beautiful
I'm not perfect
I'm not beautiful
I can't compare

So I'll go
I'll cry
I'll drink
I'll smoke
Until the pain finally stops

I am rising up
Through the blue sky
And into a whole new world
My new world
Here I am anything
Here I am everything
Here I am invincible
Unstoppable
Immortal
Beautiful
Here I am everything
That I am not there

I never knew I could feel like this
For once I'm free
I take a cigarette
And push it into my skin
There is no pain
I feel no pain
I'm falling
And it doesn't hurt
I'm bleeding
And it doesn't hurt
For once I'm alive
For once I can breathe
As I fall down
Tumbling from the moon
Back to earth
I catch on fire
There is no pain
I am alive
I am free

I shake and I shiver
My eyes are covered
Blindness
Tears fall from my eyes
Hot, hot tears
Blood is dripping
It falls from everywhere
My brain is fuzzy
Numb
Oh god, not again
I feel it
The pain in my chest
My heart
The swelling
The aching
Oh god not again
Gravity pulls me towards
The infinite nothing
Of a sad, sad forest
Here I will spend forever
Oh god not again.

Petals fall to the
  Ground, dead and dreamless and lost
Shameful existence

I can't trust myself around them
I know I turn into a monster
  Or something even worse
I can't trust myself around you
  I know I'd either *******
   Or ****** you
I can't trust myself around me
I know I just think about the bad things
  And make myself go insane.

You run up to me in the hall
  Ask me what's up
    I begin to reply, but
      I see you run
       You run up to her
       And that reminds me of my place
      I am your confidence
     I am your will power
    I am your support
   I am your friend
But that's all
  You still lead me on
    You still claim you have feelings for me
      You still bring up the things that we once did
        You still say that I'm beautiful
          You still make me feel special
            But I hate you so much
           I hate your love and affection
          I hate the way you treat me
        You treat me like ****
      But this is all a lie
    I only hate what you make me do
  I only hate that you make me love you

I hope you're having fun
I hope having a wonderful time
A wonderful time with that girl
The girl that you picked over me

No, no I don't
I hope she hurts you
I hope she stomps on your heart
I hope she makes you feel like ****
So that way our feelings can be mutual again

I hope you realise how selfish you are
I hope you see how much I gave up for you
I hope you just see me
I hope I just see you

I hope I get over you
Fast
I hope I realise how dumb I was to believe you
To believe your lies
Your fake promises

I hope I realise my list of hopes
Is hopeless.

Explore my mind
Plunge deep within
To each and every corner
Find the horrid,
Disgusting,
*****-inducing
Thoughts that run destructivly thought my mind
See the sickening things that makes up the person
Known as me

Wow
You're with her
Totally happy
Yet you still want to hang out
You still call me beautiful
You still want to do those beautiful things to me

It's not gonna happen
I won't let you play me again
No more
We're done
I don't need you
I have other things to keep me occupied

I have things to distract me from you
But in all honesty
They're more addicting than you are

I'm not you're slave
I'm not dress up doll
I have my own views
My own opinions
My own beliefs
I have my own hopes
My own goals
My own dreams
I make my own mistakes
Make my own choices
My own descisions
I'm not a mini you
I'm sorry

What is this?
Where am I?
Everything's spinning
Spiraling
  Down
    Down
      Down
Taking me to my destiny
Taking me to my final resting place
Taking me all the way down
To Hell

Alcohol
Cigarettes
Drugs

I could do these things 24/7
I do them a lot
But no

My worst descision
My worst addiction
Is you

One day you walk in
Tight, light jeans
Flip-flops
T-shirt that goes against the Establishment
Your eyes sparkle
The corners of your lips turn upward
You stare
Our eyes meet
You come closer
You hold me tight
You push my long, black hair out of my face
Our eyes meet again as you stroke my face
With delicate fingers
You slowly lean in
Our lips touch
And fireworks go off
Then black
Nothing but sheer black
And I remember
That you're not real
That I was just dreaming

It's too much
I'm not dealing with your *******
  I'm going to block you out
   I'm going to escape this place
    I'm going to forget everything
     Just for a little while
      I'm going to be numb
       I'm going to be happy
        Just for a little while

Let's be honest
You don't really like me
   Do you?
     I'm just a **** buddy
      Aren't I?

Let's be honest
I don't really like you
  Do I?
   You're just my **** buddy
     Aren't you?

Lets be honest
I know my feelings
  I fell for you hard
   But let's be honest
     How do you feel about me?

Let's make a difference
For the good
Let's protest for
The environment
Gay marriage
End the war
Let's sing for
The homeless
The unfortunate
The children
Let's inspire
The Addicts
The Depressed
The Dreamers
Let's make a difference
Let's make the world
A better place

This I *******
I hate being in my right mind
Or as close as I'll ever get to it
There's nothing left in this place for us
This place of monsters and demons
It's too real
So let's go
Let's fly
I wanna go so high
I want you to take me there
Let's smoke until we can't see what's in front of us
Let's smoke until we can't think straight
Let's just smoke
You and me
Flying

I am bleeding
Blood trickles down my arms
It gushes down my legs
You made me do this
You tricked me
Lied to me
Played me
Ruined me
You are killing me
I will soon die from being
Mentally
Physically
Emotionally
Exhausted
You have caused me so much pain
You cannot blame me when this becomes the
  way I release it
This is because of you
And only you

I'm so lost
Lost in this desert
Of mistakes and regrets
A year ago
I was in a beautiful place
A lush forest where dreams came true
But not any more
I ****** myself over
And dwindled down to here
A desert made for the miserable
A desert made for all the dumbfucks
A desert made for all the people like me

**** mirrors
They never show me what I want
It always comes out warped
Disoriented
Twisted
I hate it
I hate what stares back at me
A hideous beast
One that should be locked away
Never to be seen
Ever

I need you
I need your kisses
I need your bites
I need your passion
I need your hands everywhere
I need you to explore
Explore my taboo places
I need your smell
I need your touch
I need your taste
I need to see you
I need to hear you
I need you to lie down with me
I need you in my bed
I need your everything
And I need you to know
  I'm not good at sharing

No, no, no.
This is so wrong.
You move my hair out of the way,
And place your lips on my neck.
No, no, no.
You touch me,
And I shutter.
No, no, no.
This is wrong, wrong, wrong.
Now you worship me,
You would kiss the ground I step on.
But no, no, no.
This is wrong.
But *******,
It feels right, right, right.

You're happy now
You have her
You have your friends back
You have your sister back
You're happy now

I'm not happy now
I lost you
Some of my friends are being complicated
My brother couldn't give two ***** about me
I'm not happy now

We were happy together
Even though we weren't really together
We had fun
We laughed
We lived

Now look at us
Look what happened
You were the one that said...
The one that said, I never want to be strangers
Now look what you did