you are scared of recovery, of course you are
your mind tells you that if you get better
the people that feed you attention will leave
don't let that stunt you

at the end of the day, all you have is yourself
nobody else, just you. That seems scary now, doesn't it?
because right now, you are part of a battle between your mind
your heart, your soul, and your wellbeing

take the fear, and the strength you use to battle yourself
use it to battle the demons that crawl through the cracks in your puzzled head
take that burning self-loathing, take it and use it to pull yourself out
away from the black holes in your mind. Your mind, an unsolved puzzle, fix it

the burn marks and the rotting teeth and the scratches on your arm
the protuding ribs and the bruised limbs and the tearful eyes
they do not define you, they are not what makes you the person you are
they will never define you unless you allow them to, and you won't

the fire in your heart that has kept you here until now, and the fight you just can't give up
for the moments you find yourself lost in a daydream of the times ahead when you have esccaped
let those carry you onwards, let the everlasting fires burn brighter than before, and fight
fight harder than you ever have, because this battle will be hard but it can be won

I feel that the body I have been given is too small
too small for the infinities that my mind and soul create
inside of me every minute, of every day

like my brain is wild with ideas too big
to fit inside their casing
and my body too weak, to hold my thoughts

words do not come easy to me, though not through lack of language.
There is too much inside my head to unscramble the jumbled mess
of words and thoughts and ideas, too strong, too strong for me

this body is weak in comparison to the colours and feelings inside of me
this measly shell, restricting my mind from reaching out
and experiencing the true form of this world, and the next

a flesh encasing that my brain is dependant on, yet what if it were not?
what if my soul was cast adrift with ideas I was not aware had came to exist
what if once my mind was free? what would happen then?

my mind is living somewhere else,
and I think that is where my soul eternally resides
and I will find it one day, one day, one day

"please don't think I'm crazy"* you said to me, with a horror on your face,
                                                                ­           that words can't describe
why in the world would I think that?
                      "sometimes I feel, like my bones are fake, and the structure that I am, will soon surely break
                         and all that will be left is a soul and a broken heart, never pieced together right, as it was
                         broken from the start."
I stay silent. You continue
                      "the human form feels so weak, it feels like a densely packed piece of nonsense, where my
                        mind is a fragmented puzzle, bursting at the seams, and then girls like you come along
                        girls like you that make me weak at the knees, and I wonder if my heart is overpowering
                        my endless thoughts of despair and weakness and lack of hope and I realise that maybe
                        if I can't save myself, then in this infinite universe of unanswered questions and unknown
                        possibilities and piles and piles of doubt that add up like the ***** laundry, well maybe
                        if I can't save myself, you can save me"
we both cried, and I held you, and I knew that if you thought you were insane, then I must be too, I told you I felt the same, I let you save me, now it is my turn to save you

dreams held under late night street lights
kisses escaping lips under the moonlight and the stars
and broken hearts scattered along the street corner
over heartless text messages and bitter words, comes what they call love

teen-sweethearts ripped apart by lies and despair
and new loves and new chance
and never will they be remembered for what they really were
but only the grass stained clothing and the smoky kitchens at 2 am

the late night kisses that mean nothing any more
the "I love you's" in hushed tones and the hand holding
the strolls in the wet grass on a crisp winter day
the borrowing of sweaters and sharing of cigarettes

I don't know any more whether I am asking for too much
in today's society of rushed thoughtless texts and less and less
true love, just flings and secrets and Facebook chats
I don't want that, I want fire, I want true passion

I want a love that keeps me awake all night
a love where my mind is so tangled around you
I can't think, for the whirlwind of your presence
always in my mind, always on my lips, always in my lungs

things change over time and I know this far too well
but when I'm looking at you
and your eyes begin to swirl into patterns that I feel like I have always known
I feel time stand still, I feel everything stop in this world
and in that time, the only thing I can think of is you
the way you look in the mornings when the light cuts through the blinds
how you smile when you look at me, when we kiss
the way your fingers intertwine with mine...
and then I am awakened
not sourly, but in the most lovely manner
with the feeling of your lips pressed to mine
and your arms around me
and I know that if I ever am scared of the moon falling
and the sun's rays ceasing to shine
I can look into your eyes on the darkest nights,
freeze everything, and know that you are mine

im sad again

for the first time in a long time, my eyes are spilling, and my hands are shaking

and the pain in my chest won’t seem to budge

and it’s back to me wanting to run into your arms

to feel the only home and safety i ever knew, back to comfort me once more

but i never felt that home in the flesh, only through the encasing of softly spoken phone calls, and carefully chosen words

i need to feel my head nuzzled into the chest that feels so familiar

yet so heartbreakingly unreal

i need to feel the softly spoken words against my cracking lips

i need to know that you still love me

despite everything, and all the time apart

you still love me