A soft word on parted lips
Gentle, warm and moist
Chocolate brown eyes that understand
Light kisses against my skin
that hint at something more.
I feel her laughter that bubbles forth
and we're both smiling,
it deepens and an unspoken tension
flits between us, luring and tempting.
begging to do more.
My lips part willingly for her
And I taste her on my tongue.
She is sweet and glowing against me.
The heat rises and ebbs,
touches become wanton and frantic
I plead with her to give me my desire.
wish granted
sleep stole over her after the deed,
but I am wrapped in her and awake.
My fingers slip through her hair,
at some attempt to tame it.
Giving up, I chuckle
and kiss her.
Just her.
Her forehead, her hair, her nose, her eyes, her cheeks.
And lastly her lips.
My love and my life
*how I love you.

Time is but a concept that we all fall for.
Time is just a rendition of
     a song the stars play by
Yet here we all are
     thinking we've got all the
            time in the world
While it slips by faster than
     you can say
            goodbye.

Do you remember when they said,
'Don't worry. There are no monsters
under your bed.'?
They were right.
The monsters moved from imagination
under your bed
to reality
in your head.

I'm scared.
I'm scared of waking up one day
and realizing I didn't do anything.
I didn't do enough.
I'm scared I'll never travel or go places.
I didn't try hard enough.
I'm scared I won't be successful or secure.
I didn't work hard enough.
But most of all,
I'm scared for my happiness.
I'm scared for you,
of losing you.
And knowing that
I didn't love enough.
Please.
Don't let me wake up scared.
Let me wake up to you.

I glance to my side to see my mirror image.
She looks just like me.
But there are small differences.
And it really shows who's the better one.
Her hair is longer, her skin is clearer
she's taller and thinner.
Her body is more complete and smaller.
She's lovely.
Mother calls her wise and intelligent.
She's the favorite.
I sit in my corner.
I always fail,
never could compare.
My candle was outshone by the
brilliance of her star.
I love her.
I have to, and I admire her.
...
But I hate her too.
I've always been her inferior.
And I hate it because I know she's right.
Always is.
I want to break her perfection.
But that would break her too.
As perfect as she is,
being broken is not for her.
It would hurt her too much.
It would be unfair to her.
...
I may hate my other half
But I don't.
She's too good for that and I want to protect her.
See,
You can't hate the one person you
really cannot live without.
It's impossible.
I'll live with her being perfect
I can survive in her shadow.
I know how to.
I've been weak so long that I know I'm
strong enough to persevere.

a Dark promise
A smooth mouth
Words fall to honeyed poison
The want to touch
To feel the heat rise
(An elliptical ride)
A soft here and a rough where?
Damp breath and warm covers
Inexperienced dancer
Softly harsh against skin
A ward against sin
A movement slow
The rise and release
Dull, thudding pain
With a sharp twinge
(Walk it off)
Bruises form
Point and whisper
Heartbreak
A shattered dimension
Damage aspirationed
A toxic taste
With a damaged face

Rough lines,
a torn heart,
a gentle touch.
Changed air,
unhidden feelings;
intensity.
Tears fall,
veiled face.
A broken body
in strong arms.
A soft kiss
on smooth skin.
A smile revealed
and feelings repaired.

I've always wanted to be a rock star
the idols of ***, allure, drugs, and music.
I want to be someone's god
I want to walk onstage and command
everybody.
I want them all to be mine and be untouchably touchable.
I want to wreak havoc on the order and rebel against them all.
Glam rock has a particular appeal with the
makeup and costumes and aura of
*** and sensuality and vulnerable impregnability.
I want to be idolized and unconnected with everything.
You all mean nothing but are the reason for my existence.
This is my wish

We fight, we break
We make, we take
What is it that we must rush
to constantly?
Why can't we stop to take a look
around and help those who have
fallen?
Is it because we're scared of falling
too?
Or taking that step to help someone
and hold their heart and trust within
your soul?

Memorize.
I memorize the details of your face.
You're leaving for a week,
I know that doesn't sound like much
but to me, it's forever.
I memorize the way you close your eyes
and the way you take a breath.
I memorize how soft your skin is.
I memorize the shape of your cheeks
and the feeling of your skin beneath my fingertips.
I memorize the shape of your brows and shuttered eyes
and the feel of them beneath the pad of my thumb.
I memorize the gentle ***** of your nose
and how it felt as my fingertips trailed it.
I memorize the soft silk of your hair
and how it felt as I brushed your bangs back.
I memorize the shape of your lips
as I trace them with my fingertip.
I memorize your smell
as I bury my face into your neck.
I memorize the feeling of your
arms wrapped around me.
Finally, I memorize the taste of your kiss.
The way your mouth moves against mine,
and the flavor of your tongue.
Now you're leaving and I feel
the tears fill my eyes as I watch you leave.
But I know I'll be okay.
I have you in my memories.
Just know, love,
I'll be waiting until these
memories are no more
and you're back here with me.
I love you.

like4like when I admitted my feelings quickly
for her to give in slowly
#tbt to when love felt like a possibility
#yolo? Everyday with her was a lifetime of happiness
#selfie for the times I wanted to see if the warmth inside me
was showing for her
#tgif for the nights I'd spend with her til early morning in love

I walk along these halls,
Bright, blinding white all around
My breathing quickens and tremors
in a panic.
I feel trapped in all this sheer
blankness,
I scream and bang on the walls,
begging to be released
I slam my palms into the walls of this
cage until I'm exhausted
and on the floor.
The only thing that is still ramming
and breaking and struggling is my heart.
Searching for a way out still.
Foolish thing.
The heart has no thought to know it's
useless and no eyes to see the
futility.
Calm, I breathe. Give it up, I whisper
to my panicked heart.
Ushering it to be still.
Give in, it's okay. If you stop, this will all go away.
I promise.
Slowly, slowly the blood in my heart
stopped thrumming and I bled out into
the whiteness.
Staining red the blank, empty
whiteness these halls were.
-Oh well-I think through the fog
-My heart is stopping, there will be
peace again.-
With the last few soft thumps of my
heart I smile at the halls.
There will be no more horror or
blankness or pain in here.
It will be gone with me.
I smile.
It's a white smile. But it isn't evil or
strangling.
Gentle and soft. Warm.
The girl is happily dead.

Beauty is a child's game,
A lie they say.
And so I believed.
My world and all of it's nature
lost it's beauty.
But then one day,
months later,
There was you.
And you were beautiful.
You came into my world,
my empty, gray and numb world,
and showed me what beauty was again.
It was in every ray of sunshine,
every breath of fresh air,
every moment of light and laughter.
It was all in you.
The beauty of the world was in you.
And now....
you are my world.

I sit in my cold bath
It holds the even colder girl.
Slowly deteriorating.
She breaks from a love
that makes her strong...
But when it's gone,
the girl is weak
and slowly rots in her head.
Without those arms that
held her safe from the monster,
It invades her again
and makes her choke on her own
poison and pain.
Without that voice that sang away her fears,
She's lost in her ocean of nightmares.
She shivers,
colder than ever and feels as
her spirit numbs her from the inside out.
She is weak and so vulnerable.
She needs the love whose happiness is hers
and can make her day brighter than
the night stars and the sun.
Reminiscing in her memories,
the frozen girl becomes black and blue.
There is red too
From the bite and pull of her fingernails.
Leaving scars instead of her lover's marks.
Finally calming herself,
She remembers her love is coming home soon
and will protect her from the monsters.
No more pain or fears.
For the first time in the dark night,
the girl smiles and is safe in her mind.

"She said she was like the sun."
The young girl sobbed to herself
on the bathroom floor.
the tears slipped down her face
as the blade glided over her skin.
scarring her skin
to heal the
wound in her heart
...
in the late hours after,
when the pain had ceased
and the numbness had come,
she asked the night
"And how am I to compare
when there is no greater star
in our galaxy?"

I stare blankly at the open door.
Music drifts from my headphones
and through my mind.
But I pay no attention.
My mind is like a lake before a storm.
Absolutely still and gray.
I don't feel anything.
I keep walking through my life,
waiting for something to happen.
I'm in love and loved
but my mind is ignoring her.
In the recesses of my mind.
There is only pain and a midnight sky
without its stars.
I want to step outside and smile.
But that seems impossible when
there is nothing inside of me that wants to move
from my position on the floor.
I wish I could lay here forever but
there are people who say they need me.
If they need me so much, why does everything
I do for them seem so wrong?
They're always dissatisfied with me.
I don't understand it.
Just let me go if I'm so bad.
So weak. So lame and lazy and stupid.
But you won't,
and instead you keep a puppet,
whose empty shell guards the girl from the outside.
I don't want to be here,
especially here with you.

I have the urge to feel fire
in my throat and stomach.
A bottle of tequila, a shot glass
and the music of a haunted man.
To lay back and feel the burn
is the cure to the hole in my
shattered heart.
I want to drown everything
I want to forget you and erase you
from my thoughts, but I don't either.
I want to remember every
smile, laugh, kiss and touch.
I don't know what to drown
myself in...
the drink or the illusion my
memory gives.

It's Saturday morning.
3 am and counting
I've been staring at the
walls, ceiling, floors, sheets.
Anything my eyes can see.
I feel exhausted but I can't sleep again.
Instead I'm writing on this paper from
the light of my lamp.
I feel lonely again...
I walked by my sister's room and saw her asleep.
Stood outside my little siblings room and heard nothing.
My parents room was dark.
I'm listening to Nirvana and Kings of Leon and all
my tortured, pained music that can affect me
like no other.
The incredible pain and rawness you hear in their voices.
the twisted confusion in their lyrics.
This music understands me better than anybody I know.

I don't know if*
   I'm ready to fall in love with
   the boy who makes sunshine
   on rainy days, and is the best part
   of the great days.
   Whose hugs feel like safety, and
   kisses like heaven.
   That's not to say he's innocent,
   because there's no hell like the
   burn I feel when he's between
   my legs, and his hips are on mine.
In the grey sky dawn of a Tuesday,
   the one patch of sunlight
   between my shuttered window
   hits the roses perched by my
   bedside, and I wonder if
   the boy made of stardust, and
   chocolate, and soft touches
   should be mine,
   because I'm falling apart,
   and coming back together
trying not to love him too.

I want to see what it's like to be good.
do you breathe easier?
Can you go through your day
without regrets?
Do you sleep better at night?
Is life easier? Is it better?
I wouldn't know what it's like to be good.
In order to be good,
you have to do things right
Something I'm miserable at, doing things right.
All my tests have A's but there is no homework.
another failed class.
I made her smile today, my mother screamed.
another fight.
A bright morning, and a dark night.
just another dose of black.
Just one more slash.
just one more drop of blood.
Just another sleepless night.
I'm afraid that while my life is mine,
I'll never be good.

It's too dark in the corners.
I watch the shadows in my room
as they shift and step towards me.
Shivering I push myself away,
only to feel as my inner demons
claw their way up and out of me.
Emerging slowly and painfully
through my conscience
my personal hells hover over my body,
then seep into my mind
and their soft voices sicken me with their torment.
They sweep themselves through me,
leaving red moons and lines and
their victim begs for them to stop
but they refuse and continue to burn
the numb girl in her own insanity.
crying into the night,
pleading and sobbing for them to let her go.
Her voice does nothing to break
the quiet that now pulsates and suffocates her.
she can still feel the demons razor-like hands
as they had traced her body,
shredding her skin and
tearing her mind from the reality.
Shaking violently, tears streaming down her face,
she holds her body and rocks back and forth
back and forth.
It is a weak attempt at safety and protection...
and she knows it.
But she chooses to believe if she
protects herself like this,
the demons won't be able to come back
and tear her from everything
and leave her screaming at the darkness outside
and within.

Bottom of the bottle,
end of the ninth.
Come out darkness
      into the light
Trying to find out what is right
kiss me kiss me kiss me
make you miss me.
Your messages are coming through
      but I'm switching channels.
I think I'm holding the remote,
but the pain is like a moat.
Nobody's getting to me
      (nobody nobody nobody nobody)
Not 'til I say it's to be.
I hold out for hope I'll catch you soon
Lord knows I've killed myself
       enough for the chance.
Once you found a needle in your shirt,
it became the knife in my back.
You wanted me angry, spiteful, violent
      (it would've made it easier for you)
You didn't expect my kiss.
       my love, my amorous feelings, my admiration
      longing and heartbreak.
You broke my heart in place
But I was the one who walked away.

When we go to the beach.
to see the colors and shapes of
All those shells we take home to
admire.
They are the dead bodies and bones
of the ocean.
We collect and admire death.

I cant sleep.
I'm too consumed with
thinking of you.
I think of you through the day,
but once the sun sets,
my thoughts of you become dangerous.
My mind flashes to blood and how I
had promised I wouldn't bleed for you.
I'm missing you too much, too early.
God, this hurts like hell.
there is a hole in my existence
that only you can fill.
I cant wait to see you again, but I know you're happy where you are,
so I wont tell you about my thoughts at night or the pain in my chest.
Just know, my love, I love you.

Warmth pools around you
Look around and see that it's night
"You're sad, I know" it says
Cradled to safety
Protected from hurt
Kiss me goodbye
I'm off tonight
Fake a laugh, fake a smile
Save a tear, lose a love
Black and broken
Red between the lines
Claw yourself to shreds
A broken tide on shore
See the pain and lies
The shouts, the fights
The silence of the mind
The voices inside
Insanity breaks
Crawl away to die

I'm always happy here,
or so I thought.
It's been awhile since I've been here.
Things have changed, at least for me.
We arrived today and I couldn't feel
less happy.
It's not the place, it really isn't.
It's gorgeous here,
with the open mountain air,
the deep green of the forest,
the multiple layers of the rock,
the deep blue-green-gray of the lake.
I do not doubt it's beauty.
It is not my surroundings, it is the
people.
I don't know some and don't like others.
I really don't want to be here with them please.
Let me be alone and away from them,
I have a strange dislike and disgust
with them.
Please let me go home...
I bet you can guess that isn't a place
either.
The people I love, admire and adore
are my home.
I only want to be with them and go
away from here, this alien place
to the warmth and comfort of my home
...but I can't.
I'm stuck here with you. With them.
These people who move
and are strangers in my life.
I have and want nothing for or from
them.

I thought about you way too much today,
the first time I met you on accident
and you complimented me.
The second time, when I ended up at your place,
also on accident
because my sister wanted to get high after work
and we only had one car.
I was designated driver, and I brought my book.
Everyone was partying in your room
but you came out and talked to me on your
couch for over an hour, even though I knew
you were sleepy, and I, out of place.
But we made each other laugh
and you gave me your number.
Almost a month and a half later,
we were supposed to go on our first date tonight
but you haven't talked to me in days,
and I'm afraid I'm heartbroken...

The empty street
It expands in front of me
The city lights
I dont know where they went
The buildings, tall and forlorn
Walk alone
Cracks in the ground
Broken bottles
a chuckle sounds out.
'cracks...broken'
a shadow whispered,
'how very much like your heart...'

Thinking about life from
my bathroom floor.
My carpeted bathroom floor
that I can't get all the
dirt and mildew and rot from.
Just like my mind and soul,
filled with all the deplorable **** that
I can't forget.
     Bad memories, and
     past mistakes, and
     all the wrong people, and
     destitute trains of thought.
I'm trying not to hate myself from
my bathroom floor.
I don't think it's working.
From a bit away,
I look fine,
          just like my bathroom floor.
Up close,
I'm a melting *** of mess,
          just like my bathroom floor.

Reach out to the corner of darkness
in your mind
Wrap it around you
It is your shield from the illuminant
From the fake, shiny and perfect
Break away and turn inwards
Towards your pain,
            your twisted,
     your imperfection.
Nobody knows of the red and the black
Of the glint and the pulse
Nobody but the voices and the broken.

A deep blackness covered her sight.
She knew not how long it had been
since she saw the light,
But she knew somewhere in her soul
The light would come and paint the
world in colors,
A warmth of colors of beginnings,
reds, oranges, yellows.
This beginning was called ritausma.
The beginning of the day.

1:12 am**
I sit up in bed.
I can’t love her.
It’s impossible.
Dark long curls
Smatterings of freckles
Bright pink lips
with an even brighter mind.
The way she kissed me
A burning passion
that set fire in my core
The way her hands held mine
and explored in between my thighs.
Our friendship had all the
promises of a love affair.
Impossible.
I couldn’t love her.
She was like a forbidden fruit
that I long to taste time and again.
We were two lonely girls
who found solace in each other.
Desperate for affection
and attention.
Ours was a false love story
But it didn’t make it any less true.

There was something soft about the way she moved.
It was quiet and slow.
She was thinking of something,
deep in her own mind.
She wanted to be left alone to her thoughts.
She didn't want to talk tonight,
her thoughts were too heavy for her voice.
They would break her if
she tried to utter them
and she wasn't quite ready to break,
even though she knew that later in the night
when everything was dead,
her thoughts would become too loud
and she'd break out of fear and pain.
She would pour herself into the night
and it would all be gone by morning.
She smiled to herself, and thought
this is why she loved the night.

Staring at my hands,
they seem to not stop moving, and
I can see them swirling around my vision.
My head rolls back against the wall
and I feel the bass of the music move through me
as I watch people move across the room.
They're moving way too fast and way too slow.
The whole world is spinning
and my eyes can't stay closed,
no matter what I do.
A face swims into view and
he's speaking to me
but I can't tell what he's saying.
I grab his face and touch his mouth
as he asks me questions,
it doesn't help.
I knock over a chair as I pull myself up,
and try to walk to the kitchen.
I accidentally stumble into a girl and spill her drink,
I think I said sorry but I can't tell.
I grab the first glass I see,
an eclectic blend of Gatorade, Red Bull, ***** and tequila.
It burns going down
and my stomach rises into my mouth.
I feel my body slow down as I try to move
towards the back door.
I can't grab the handle the first two times I try
but the third time works, and I'm outside.
A girl I recognize is shirtless
and is dancing to her whatever song
is in her head.
Something in me strains and snaps
and before my brain has caught up,
her hands are under my shirt
and we're kissing.
I don't remember if it was good
or not, but I woke up the next morning
with her lipstick and hickies on my
body so it must've been something.

I'd like to say one day
That I'll be definitely, unquestionably,
without a doubt, absolutely, 100%
okay.
But I don't know if I can say that.
I'm happy
but I'm not.
I can laugh and smile
but it's not the same.
I can love
but I still hate.
I don't know if I'll be the okay
you want me to be one day.

You see the cloud over there above the mountains?
That's my pillow of night.
No stars are reaching for it and its all dark around it.
All those stars in the black sky of velvet are little soft lights of happiness in a dark world.
I feel as if I could lean over the balcony and pull the black velvet sky towards me with all it's beautiful lights
and lay it down before me so I could touch those soft lights
and feel their gentle heat warm my cold hands.
The night will be warm and soft as it protects me from the coming nightmare day.
Be my friend and protector please.

I've tried praying
but I lost my faith
        going down on my knees
Pushing myself a little further
                             a little faster
on this dirt road to living
       Or is it dying?
I'm getting tired of keeping
up this persona.
The partier, worker, student,
and lover.
I can't remember the last time
I slept more than 4 hours.
Just a little further,
        a little faster.
Keep it up.
I'm running top speed
but fuel is running low.
Can I keep up?

You called me tonight,
I was so happy to see you.
We smiled and made silly faces and laughed.
We said our "I miss yous"
and our "I love yous".
We took forever saying our goodbyes,
neither one of us wanted to let
the other go,
but we had to.
And my love,
it hurt to press 'end' and
see your face disappear from sight.
I missed you even more after.
Your face, your smile, the sound of your laughter.

In my Dreams,
The ones I love suffer and cry,
As their souls are taken from them
and delivered
Into Death's all too capable hands and hood.
In my Dreams,
Shadows flutter by
And the faceless angel is haunted
By one of my mind's own creation, a Demon misunderstood.
In my Dreams,
Shattered souls light up the forever midnight sky
And all intact hearts and beauty is doomed
Once inside my nightmare falsehood.
In my Dreams,
The demons awake
Both from down below
And from within.
In my Dreams,
My worst fears await
And tell me to let go
For the last time and convince me that it's not a sin.

I just want to feel safe
I don't want to always feel
               emotionally bedridden
        awaiting the next barrage of
               acidic affection and inconsistent insults
I don't want to feel chained down
               by everything around me
               always trying to do what's right
        Never feeling like I'm enough.
Constantly feeling tossed about
        blame placing on everything me
        and around me
I feel stuck at a crossroads
and I'm not sure where to go.
Little lost in my faux heart
I don't know what I'm doing
        anymore
I'm sorry.

Before he fell asleep, he told me
you're my kind of imperfect which makes you perfect.
I felt my breath catch in my throat
in a breath he wouldn't hear.
I have picture perfect moments of him.
The way he sings along to the radio,
in that old fashioned, back roads way.
The way he doesn't let go of my hand, ever.
No matter what he's doing.
The way he purses his lips, and squints his eyes in a playful manner
when he's teasing me.
The way his lips are always gentle on me,
not as if I'm fragile, but because he values me,
as if he knows I'll fall in love him because he refuses to hurt.
The way he moans when he enters me,
and our bodies come together.
The way he laughs with his whole body,
and tilts his head back.
The way he looks at me when he knows I'm hiding something from him,
and gently pulls it out with soft touches and calm words.
The way he buys me flowers every two weeks,
like clockwork, but still manages to surprise me
every time.
I never intended to fall in love with a nice boy,
who's from a small town and has dreams
bigger than this open, farming sky,
who believes in the people of this world,
whose thoughts sometimes keep him in bed
all day,
and make his beautiful brown eyes
have that sad tilt.
Even when he's smiling.
But here I am.
And it's happening.