"i want you in the most unromantic way"
what a beautiful way to say
i want to *******
pull my hair
make me say your name
let me worship you
between your sheets
and legs
let my mouth tell you
"i love you"
in ways my words couldn't
**** me
and ill *******
in ways that will
make you love me

Daddy, people have been saying
I don't look alive.
Daddy, do you think it's true?
Daddy, do you think I'm dead inside?
I don't feel alright.
Daddy, there are so many things
that are hurting me.
Daddy, where are you?!
You were my first heartbreak.
Daddy, please help me.
~ ~ ~
Daddy, the pills, they're not working.
I can't sleep. I can't breathe.
Daddy....
Yes sweetie?
Nothing. Good night, Daddy

i've never met anybody with the same
soul searching, billowing dream,
road wandering, life seeking
love like me.
you and your dark eyes,
that lighten in the presence of the sun
from outside and within,
turning them into warm brown honey,
i think you melt me with your stare
and i don't want to solidify ever again.
you're changing me inside and out,
unlocking more and more parts,
maybe soon you'll have my heart.
your mouth on mine loosens up
my words and mind
and i find myself ever opening to you
lets go slow you whisper to me.
from my bedroom floor,
i can't promise anything but myself.

Life is hard, Death is easy.
Death never judges, Life always judges.
Those who lose in life,
win in Death.
Death is a comfort and a blessing
from a God who never cared for his
hurt followers, his hurt warriors...
his lost souls, looking for the light.
Death is the winner of the game,
Life was just the distraction.
We all die.
Maybe tomorrow,
Maybe next week,
Maybe not for years.
But one day,
Death will come for you,
she'll take your hand in a caress
and deliver you to her protection.
Life will be no more.

Sleep decided to vacate me tonight.
I'm left to think about you.
and razors and blood and pain.
I try to drown the urge
in a wave of sound.
the music floods my ears,
but isn't affecting my body.
I want it to hit my spine and
revertebrate through my body.
Instead of my usual dose of pain to keep me sane,
I try to keep the madness away with                                                             ­         melodies that floatthroughmymind.                                              ­                                    a nd a voice that promises to understand and words that spread through your veins better than any drug

I met you last Friday night
to swim and watch movies.
I remember thinking you were cute,
and I liked how you smiled at me.
It made me feel admired.
Saturday night, I got drunk enough
to see galaxies in the vapors from your mouth.
I kissed you, and we were both a little hooked.
You held me when I cried in my stupor,
comforted me as I threw up in your bathroom,
and even covered me as I bathed in front of you,
because you couldn't leave me alone.
(And I didn't let you.)
Wednesday afternoon, I sat over you
staring into your beautiful browns,
wondering at the bright surface
while darker thoughts sat behind underneath.
I tried asking you questions,
and seeing if I could open you up to me.
I want to know every corner of your
body, mind, and soul.
I know it's too soon,
but it's what I want from you.
On Thursday evening, your birthday,
I wrote you a letter.
And I spent the entire evening with you.
You, the social butterfly with a dark past,
and me, the new girl with an old perspective.
You introduced me to everyone as your girlfriend,
and I could see the pride, and happiness.
I could feel it in me too.
I can't say it. Not yet.
But I think you and I can feel it
soon.
The road so far.

Candles by the wall
You watch me take the fall
Incense burning strong
Mind reeling from the pain
Heartbreak isn't fun
God, I'd wish it would rain
Pitter, patter, patter
Down the clatter clatter
Of an empty mind.
Not sure where to go next,
You were my safe place
and now I've got to save face.
I'm home alone while you're on the roam.
Laying on the floor,
hoping to hear the hinges of the door
Dash of salt for the burn,
just put me in the urn
I can't stand to see you anymore.
Goodbye former lover.

Something happened last night.
You had a lot of moments of vulnerability.
of openess you normally don't show.
I tried to memorize every detail,
the way you sighed,
how I could almost hear the shuddering of memories,
your voice as I kept you awake
softly sweet and gravelly with that sad undertone.
An instance represents best is when
I said I'd go in all black if you wanted me to be badass,
your hand traced patterns as you chuckled softly
and said "only for a funeral"
I tell you I've never been to one.
there's a beat of silence then I ask you.
you sigh as you say "too many"
normally you'd brush it off
but your voice told me you were exposing yourself to me
You sound older than possible for the
twenty year old go-getter smiling boy
you show everyone else.
There's so much more to you
that nobody can see.
I love being the one to know.

on and on and on
so much space ruined
by simple human emotion.
we are destructive beings, after all.
nobody will care,
but also...nobody cares because I don't tell them.
I can't find my lover,
with the three, sharp and cold rings,
whose silver smile cut through me quicker
than your glance.
I feel unconnected
I can't do the actual damage,
so I fantasize about it,
dream about it,
trace it out on my skin with my fingers.
even now,
I can't break my promise.

I want to write about your lips
and your kiss.
How incredibly soft and warm they
always are.
Pressed gently or roughly against mine,
they always show your love.
You are gorgeous,
smiling and frowning.
A perfect moon and a perfect pout.
So full and lovely.
I could watch you talk all day
and memorize the way they move,
and when I catch a glimpse of your
teeth or a sliver of your tongue.
I don't think you realize just how
much I've watched you.
You are beautiful,
and I'll always listen to what you
have to say.

You'll never fit in,
but that's okay
I'll take you in
and lead you away,
I'll teach you how to love
The shutters of your eyes are closed
to me.
Won't you open them and let me see?
(Oh please)
Show me the way
Be the one I will love and have love
in return
I can't promise to erase,
but I can help you create

Baby boy, baby girl.
Dreams of a future I'm not sure of.
Maybe there will be a wedding,
then what would I say?
It's always going to be this way
with me.
Consistently unsure of me
and even more so of you.
Sadness and rain drops and tea
go together like milk and coffee
in me.

I woke up this morning
with a voice in my head
telling me they loved me.
I felt invisible arms hold me,
and I felt airy hair whisper over my skin
as they leaned over me
and see through lips kissed mine.
I felt my pain go away
as I gave into this little
lie of comfort,
this little lie of indulgence.
I've been sleeping alone for years,
and my heart has had a sheet
covering it, slowly collecting dust.
I turned over to search for this covert lover.
Then I woke up again.
The slow, but growing sensation
of shock started in my stomach,
and spread to my lungs
as I opened my mouth to
say a name I didn't know,
and tried to breathe through
the ever-soft rivers traveling down
my face onto my sheets.
I cried into the morning dusk,
begging for that ignorance again.
God, I just want to be loved,
even if it's by a ghost.

loneliness.
what is it?
for me, it's pacing up and down
in the middle of a road barefoot
staring up at that stars,
knowing that inside the house
my two best friends are making love
to each other,
wondering why that can't be me too.
instead i walk along this broken asphalt
and it's 1 am
and i'm staring at those tiny lights
feeling so far away and empty.
missing you, but knowing
that i probably lost us.
i'm sorry.

i loved you so much
(i still do)
i never said it
but *******, i did.
you told me you loved me
and i thought to myself "this is it"
i gave myself to you
and let you have every inch of me
inside and out.
i remember laying with you
the next morning,
caressing your chest, your stomach,
your face, and neck;
i remember you smiling sleepily at me
as your hands held me closer.
i loved you since the second day
i knew you.
i dont know why but i did.
i was an idiot to believe you.
you've left me broken on my floor,
and i cant stop trying to piece myself
back together, but the shards of me
that you left behind keep cutting me.
you've done what no one else
has fully accomplished.
you've broken me
inside and out.

Laying in bed and I notice how
empty it is.
how empty everything is.
It all means nothing.
Everything I do and have done.
It was all for this nothingness.
I want to shatter it and break out.
I want to scream until the world is deaf.
I don't want to be here, in all this emptiness.
...
and its not that I'm suicidal.
I just don't want to be here or with all these
fake people who are and do nothing.
I'd take you, and maybe a few others away from this
life with me.
we'll never come back to this, our, hell.
I promise.

Is it bad that I feel lonely?
Is it bad that even though I am not alone,
I long for company,
I just don't know whose.
Is it bad I'd rather sit on my floor,
look at the wall and feel the world around me move,
but feel so still in all of these bright, false colors.
Is it bad that I want to be alone,
but not lonely?
I want to run away.
It's happening again,
I've been feeling it coming for so long,
but warded it away.
It's coming on to me so quickly now..
the broken glass on the floor,
the bite of the razor,
the cold water and wet clothes,
the music and voices no one else can hear.
I want you, who used to always notice,
notice me now in this state.
I thought you would see the signs...
but you haven't...so I'm alone again.
Should've known.
It's okay, though. It's happened before,
I'll leave you alone now.
I'll run away on my own,
and keep being alone and lonely,
because it's better than feeling falsely loved.
It's okay, I'm used to it.
No fault of yours.

You are the Devil
and you make me feel
like an angel
draped in black and red
and sin-ister kisses.
God, I worship you.

You are lovely.
love-ly
love-lie
love-lies
You just have
the prettiest
love-lies,
and I don't mind
being gullible
for a bit.

I left my window open tonight
          the loneliness came sweeping
          through it and chilled me
               to the bone
my skin cracked frigid
          and my bones broke off in icicles
          and my heart
                oh, my heart turned to stone
my ribcage has grown brittle and fragile
          don't try to touch me now
          I'll shatter in your
                heart-breaking hands
I don't want to see your warm browns
          try to heat my cold green blues
               I don't need you.

Warped girl
You'll never know the warmth, girl
You're stuck in the dark
Forever in the dark
Separation leads to suffering
Love that was never reclaimed
Walk away and leave me here
I shot down all my dreams
'Cause I'm a warped girl
I'll never know the sun anymore
The hole that she dug is now my grave
Words across a page,
They'll never be the same
You've built yourself a wall
And kept them out of all
That trust you once had is now just like sand
You feel yourself falling
You're standing alone on the battlefield that is your mind
The blood is your own,
It's seeping through your conscience,
The addiction is raw, the pain fresh
The only feeling you've left is
That of a razor blade and a burn
You don't know where it went
That feeling of content
The pain is gone, you're numb
So pick it up and draw it back across your skin
It's innocence is gone,
The only thing you feel is that
Of red, pulsing red,
It hurts, it burns
It leads you out from yourself,
The blade is your friend
You're a warped girl
You don't deserve to live

All my favorite songs are about you.
I can't tell if that makes them better
or worse.
You make me feel everything
100x more intensely.
But lately it's all been down.
I miss being up.
I miss feeling like the sky was within reach,
and every smile was for me,
and when you were mine.
I guess I just miss you.
These songs will one day be mine
again.
And you will just be a
beautiful memory.

There's a fan on my ceiling
Circling air around and around me.
Laying on my bed in the dark
I think about the day to come
And I cringe.
Turning over, pushing the blankets off of me
I take a deep breath and trace patterns on the wall, absentmindedly.
...
Thinking about the hallways and the rush to get from place to place,
From one idea to another.
The laughter, the chatter, the bumping of shoulders and impatience.
The bright sunlight and so many people
All crowded into one area.
...
The air in my room finally is cooling down,
It feels dark in here, safe, warm without being uncomfortable.
The clock ticks downs the seconds, minutes, hours til my day starts.
I dread it. I want to stay here.
In my bed, in the dark.
Comfortable, safe, and alone.
...
Away from people and noise and expectations and lights and responsibility.
Curled in my corner of the bed, facing the wall and making patterns on the wall in the dark.
I want to stay right here....forever.

I'm wearing a dress
And makeup
And my hair is done.
And I'm sitting on my floor alone.
Later on this night,
I'll take off the dress
Wash off the makeup
Brush out my hair
Then crawl into my bed.
And I'll still be alone.
And I'll still be lonely.
And I'll still be wishing for
somewhere else.

My emotions make my writing
messy
I mean so much more than I say.
I wish I could
               put a dictionary next to
               my heart and let
               my breaths write the
               feelings into the walls
               of my body
               because my tongue
               can't etch the words
               into the air.
It all slips through my teeth like
     slimy water.
I can feel and understand what I'm
     doing and trying to convey
but my words just aren't enough.
My voice fails to show how I really
am, who I really am.
I want to awe, and inspire
     but I'm stuck on the other side of that.
Always amazed, but never amazing.
I didn't lose my voice,
                I just never had one.