1:12 am**
I sit up in bed.
I can’t love her.
It’s impossible.
Dark long curls
Smatterings of freckles
Bright pink lips
with an even brighter mind.
The way she kissed me
A burning passion
that set fire in my core
The way her hands held mine
and explored in between my thighs.
Our friendship had all the
promises of a love affair.
Impossible.
I couldn’t love her.
She was like a forbidden fruit
that I long to taste time and again.
We were two lonely girls
who found solace in each other.
Desperate for affection
and attention.
Ours was a false love story
But it didn’t make it any less true.

Staring at my hands,
they seem to not stop moving, and
I can see them swirling around my vision.
My head rolls back against the wall
and I feel the bass of the music move through me
as I watch people move across the room.
They're moving way too fast and way too slow.
The whole world is spinning
and my eyes can't stay closed,
no matter what I do.
A face swims into view and
he's speaking to me
but I can't tell what he's saying.
I grab his face and touch his mouth
as he asks me questions,
it doesn't help.
I knock over a chair as I pull myself up,
and try to walk to the kitchen.
I accidentally stumble into a girl and spill her drink,
I think I said sorry but I can't tell.
I grab the first glass I see,
an eclectic blend of Gatorade, Red Bull, ***** and tequila.
It burns going down
and my stomach rises into my mouth.
I feel my body slow down as I try to move
towards the back door.
I can't grab the handle the first two times I try
but the third time works, and I'm outside.
A girl I recognize is shirtless
and is dancing to her whatever song
is in her head.
Something in me strains and snaps
and before my brain has caught up,
her hands are under my shirt
and we're kissing.
I don't remember if it was good
or not, but I woke up the next morning
with her lipstick and hickies on my
body so it must've been something.

I don't know if*
   I'm ready to fall in love with
   the boy who makes sunshine
   on rainy days, and is the best part
   of the great days.
   Whose hugs feel like safety, and
   kisses like heaven.
   That's not to say he's innocent,
   because there's no hell like the
   burn I feel when he's between
   my legs, and his hips are on mine.
In the grey sky dawn of a Tuesday,
   the one patch of sunlight
   between my shuttered window
   hits the roses perched by my
   bedside, and I wonder if
   the boy made of stardust, and
   chocolate, and soft touches
   should be mine,
   because I'm falling apart,
   and coming back together
trying not to love him too.

Before he fell asleep, he told me
you're my kind of imperfect which makes you perfect.
I felt my breath catch in my throat
in a breath he wouldn't hear.
I have picture perfect moments of him.
The way he sings along to the radio,
in that old fashioned, back roads way.
The way he doesn't let go of my hand, ever.
No matter what he's doing.
The way he purses his lips, and squints his eyes in a playful manner
when he's teasing me.
The way his lips are always gentle on me,
not as if I'm fragile, but because he values me,
as if he knows I'll fall in love him because he refuses to hurt.
The way he moans when he enters me,
and our bodies come together.
The way he laughs with his whole body,
and tilts his head back.
The way he looks at me when he knows I'm hiding something from him,
and gently pulls it out with soft touches and calm words.
The way he buys me flowers every two weeks,
like clockwork, but still manages to surprise me
every time.
I never intended to fall in love with a nice boy,
who's from a small town and has dreams
bigger than this open, farming sky,
who believes in the people of this world,
whose thoughts sometimes keep him in bed
all day,
and make his beautiful brown eyes
have that sad tilt.
Even when he's smiling.
But here I am.
And it's happening.

i've never met anybody with the same
soul searching, billowing dream,
road wandering, life seeking
love like me.
you and your dark eyes,
that lighten in the presence of the sun
from outside and within,
turning them into warm brown honey,
i think you melt me with your stare
and i don't want to solidify ever again.
you're changing me inside and out,
unlocking more and more parts,
maybe soon you'll have my heart.
your mouth on mine loosens up
my words and mind
and i find myself ever opening to you
lets go slow you whisper to me.
from my bedroom floor,
i can't promise anything but myself.

Baby boy, baby girl.
Dreams of a future I'm not sure of.
Maybe there will be a wedding,
then what would I say?
It's always going to be this way
with me.
Consistently unsure of me
and even more so of you.
Sadness and rain drops and tea
go together like milk and coffee
in me.

I've tried praying
but I lost my faith
        going down on my knees
Pushing myself a little further
                             a little faster
on this dirt road to living
       Or is it dying?
I'm getting tired of keeping
up this persona.
The partier, worker, student,
and lover.
I can't remember the last time
I slept more than 4 hours.
Just a little further,
        a little faster.
Keep it up.
I'm running top speed
but fuel is running low.
Can I keep up?

Thinking about life from
my bathroom floor.
My carpeted bathroom floor
that I can't get all the
dirt and mildew and rot from.
Just like my mind and soul,
filled with all the deplorable **** that
I can't forget.
     Bad memories, and
     past mistakes, and
     all the wrong people, and
     destitute trains of thought.
I'm trying not to hate myself from
my bathroom floor.
I don't think it's working.
From a bit away,
I look fine,
          just like my bathroom floor.
Up close,
I'm a melting *** of mess,
          just like my bathroom floor.

You are lovely.
love-ly
love-lie
love-lies
You just have
the prettiest
love-lies,
and I don't mind
being gullible
for a bit.

You are the Devil
and you make me feel
like an angel
draped in black and red
and sin-ister kisses.
God, I worship you.

Daddy, people have been saying
I don't look alive.
Daddy, do you think it's true?
Daddy, do you think I'm dead inside?
I don't feel alright.
Daddy, there are so many things
that are hurting me.
Daddy, where are you?!
You were my first heartbreak.
Daddy, please help me.
~ ~ ~
Daddy, the pills, they're not working.
I can't sleep. I can't breathe.
Daddy....
Yes sweetie?
Nothing. Good night, Daddy

All my favorite songs are about you.
I can't tell if that makes them better
or worse.
You make me feel everything
100x more intensely.
But lately it's all been down.
I miss being up.
I miss feeling like the sky was within reach,
and every smile was for me,
and when you were mine.
I guess I just miss you.
These songs will one day be mine
again.
And you will just be a
beautiful memory.

i loved you so much
(i still do)
i never said it
but *******, i did.
you told me you loved me
and i thought to myself "this is it"
i gave myself to you
and let you have every inch of me
inside and out.
i remember laying with you
the next morning,
caressing your chest, your stomach,
your face, and neck;
i remember you smiling sleepily at me
as your hands held me closer.
i loved you since the second day
i knew you.
i dont know why but i did.
i was an idiot to believe you.
you've left me broken on my floor,
and i cant stop trying to piece myself
back together, but the shards of me
that you left behind keep cutting me.
you've done what no one else
has fully accomplished.
you've broken me
inside and out.

I just want to feel safe
I don't want to always feel
               emotionally bedridden
        awaiting the next barrage of
               acidic affection and inconsistent insults
I don't want to feel chained down
               by everything around me
               always trying to do what's right
        Never feeling like I'm enough.
Constantly feeling tossed about
        blame placing on everything me
        and around me
I feel stuck at a crossroads
and I'm not sure where to go.
Little lost in my faux heart
I don't know what I'm doing
        anymore
I'm sorry.

I left my window open tonight
          the loneliness came sweeping
          through it and chilled me
               to the bone
my skin cracked frigid
          and my bones broke off in icicles
          and my heart
                oh, my heart turned to stone
my ribcage has grown brittle and fragile
          don't try to touch me now
          I'll shatter in your
                heart-breaking hands
I don't want to see your warm browns
          try to heat my cold green blues
               I don't need you.

loneliness.
what is it?
for me, it's pacing up and down
in the middle of a road barefoot
staring up at that stars,
knowing that inside the house
my two best friends are making love
to each other,
wondering why that can't be me too.
instead i walk along this broken asphalt
and it's 1 am
and i'm staring at those tiny lights
feeling so far away and empty.
missing you, but knowing
that i probably lost us.
i'm sorry.

Time is but a concept that we all fall for.
Time is just a rendition of
     a song the stars play by
Yet here we all are
     thinking we've got all the
            time in the world
While it slips by faster than
     you can say
            goodbye.

My emotions make my writing
messy
I mean so much more than I say.
I wish I could
               put a dictionary next to
               my heart and let
               my breaths write the
               feelings into the walls
               of my body
               because my tongue
               can't etch the words
               into the air.
It all slips through my teeth like
     slimy water.
I can feel and understand what I'm
     doing and trying to convey
but my words just aren't enough.
My voice fails to show how I really
am, who I really am.
I want to awe, and inspire
     but I'm stuck on the other side of that.
Always amazed, but never amazing.
I didn't lose my voice,
                I just never had one.

Something happened last night.
You had a lot of moments of vulnerability.
of openess you normally don't show.
I tried to memorize every detail,
the way you sighed,
how I could almost hear the shuddering of memories,
your voice as I kept you awake
softly sweet and gravelly with that sad undertone.
An instance represents best is when
I said I'd go in all black if you wanted me to be badass,
your hand traced patterns as you chuckled softly
and said "only for a funeral"
I tell you I've never been to one.
there's a beat of silence then I ask you.
you sigh as you say "too many"
normally you'd brush it off
but your voice told me you were exposing yourself to me
You sound older than possible for the
twenty year old go-getter smiling boy
you show everyone else.
There's so much more to you
that nobody can see.
I love being the one to know.

I met you last Friday night
to swim and watch movies.
I remember thinking you were cute,
and I liked how you smiled at me.
It made me feel admired.
Saturday night, I got drunk enough
to see galaxies in the vapors from your mouth.
I kissed you, and we were both a little hooked.
You held me when I cried in my stupor,
comforted me as I threw up in your bathroom,
and even covered me as I bathed in front of you,
because you couldn't leave me alone.
(And I didn't let you.)
Wednesday afternoon, I sat over you
staring into your beautiful browns,
wondering at the bright surface
while darker thoughts sat behind underneath.
I tried asking you questions,
and seeing if I could open you up to me.
I want to know every corner of your
body, mind, and soul.
I know it's too soon,
but it's what I want from you.
On Thursday evening, your birthday,
I wrote you a letter.
And I spent the entire evening with you.
You, the social butterfly with a dark past,
and me, the new girl with an old perspective.
You introduced me to everyone as your girlfriend,
and I could see the pride, and happiness.
I could feel it in me too.
I can't say it. Not yet.
But I think you and I can feel it
soon.
The road so far.

I woke up this morning
with a voice in my head
telling me they loved me.
I felt invisible arms hold me,
and I felt airy hair whisper over my skin
as they leaned over me
and see through lips kissed mine.
I felt my pain go away
as I gave into this little
lie of comfort,
this little lie of indulgence.
I've been sleeping alone for years,
and my heart has had a sheet
covering it, slowly collecting dust.
I turned over to search for this covert lover.
Then I woke up again.
The slow, but growing sensation
of shock started in my stomach,
and spread to my lungs
as I opened my mouth to
say a name I didn't know,
and tried to breathe through
the ever-soft rivers traveling down
my face onto my sheets.
I cried into the morning dusk,
begging for that ignorance again.
God, I just want to be loved,
even if it's by a ghost.

I thought about you way too much today,
the first time I met you on accident
and you complimented me.
The second time, when I ended up at your place,
also on accident
because my sister wanted to get high after work
and we only had one car.
I was designated driver, and I brought my book.
Everyone was partying in your room
but you came out and talked to me on your
couch for over an hour, even though I knew
you were sleepy, and I, out of place.
But we made each other laugh
and you gave me your number.
Almost a month and a half later,
we were supposed to go on our first date tonight
but you haven't talked to me in days,
and I'm afraid I'm heartbroken...

"i want you in the most unromantic way"
what a beautiful way to say
i want to *******
pull my hair
make me say your name
let me worship you
between your sheets
and legs
let my mouth tell you
"i love you"
in ways my words couldn't
**** me
and ill *******
in ways that will
make you love me

Bottom of the bottle,
end of the ninth.
Come out darkness
      into the light
Trying to find out what is right
kiss me kiss me kiss me
make you miss me.
Your messages are coming through
      but I'm switching channels.
I think I'm holding the remote,
but the pain is like a moat.
Nobody's getting to me
      (nobody nobody nobody nobody)
Not 'til I say it's to be.
I hold out for hope I'll catch you soon
Lord knows I've killed myself
       enough for the chance.
Once you found a needle in your shirt,
it became the knife in my back.
You wanted me angry, spiteful, violent
      (it would've made it easier for you)
You didn't expect my kiss.
       my love, my amorous feelings, my admiration
      longing and heartbreak.
You broke my heart in place
But I was the one who walked away.

Warped girl
You'll never know the warmth, girl
You're stuck in the dark
Forever in the dark
Separation leads to suffering
Love that was never reclaimed
Walk away and leave me here
I shot down all my dreams
'Cause I'm a warped girl
I'll never know the sun anymore
The hole that she dug is now my grave
Words across a page,
They'll never be the same
You've built yourself a wall
And kept them out of all
That trust you once had is now just like sand
You feel yourself falling
You're standing alone on the battlefield that is your mind
The blood is your own,
It's seeping through your conscience,
The addiction is raw, the pain fresh
The only feeling you've left is
That of a razor blade and a burn
You don't know where it went
That feeling of content
The pain is gone, you're numb
So pick it up and draw it back across your skin
It's innocence is gone,
The only thing you feel is that
Of red, pulsing red,
It hurts, it burns
It leads you out from yourself,
The blade is your friend
You're a warped girl
You don't deserve to live

like4like when I admitted my feelings quickly
for her to give in slowly
#tbt to when love felt like a possibility
#yolo? Everyday with her was a lifetime of happiness
#selfie for the times I wanted to see if the warmth inside me
was showing for her
#tgif for the nights I'd spend with her til early morning in love

Candles by the wall
You watch me take the fall
Incense burning strong
Mind reeling from the pain
Heartbreak isn't fun
God, I'd wish it would rain
Pitter, patter, patter
Down the clatter clatter
Of an empty mind.
Not sure where to go next,
You were my safe place
and now I've got to save face.
I'm home alone while you're on the roam.
Laying on the floor,
hoping to hear the hinges of the door
Dash of salt for the burn,
just put me in the urn
I can't stand to see you anymore.
Goodbye former lover.

I'm wearing a dress
And makeup
And my hair is done.
And I'm sitting on my floor alone.
Later on this night,
I'll take off the dress
Wash off the makeup
Brush out my hair
Then crawl into my bed.
And I'll still be alone.
And I'll still be lonely.
And I'll still be wishing for
somewhere else.

You see the cloud over there above the mountains?
That's my pillow of night.
No stars are reaching for it and its all dark around it.
All those stars in the black sky of velvet are little soft lights of happiness in a dark world.
I feel as if I could lean over the balcony and pull the black velvet sky towards me with all it's beautiful lights
and lay it down before me so I could touch those soft lights
and feel their gentle heat warm my cold hands.
The night will be warm and soft as it protects me from the coming nightmare day.
Be my friend and protector please.