When we go to the beach.
to see the colors and shapes of
All those shells we take home to
admire.
They are the dead bodies and bones
of the ocean.
We collect and admire death.

Life is hard, Death is easy.
Death never judges, Life always judges.
Those who lose in life,
win in Death.
Death is a comfort and a blessing
from a God who never cared for his
hurt followers, his hurt warriors...
his lost souls, looking for the light.
Death is the winner of the game,
Life was just the distraction.
We all die.
Maybe tomorrow,
Maybe next week,
Maybe not for years.
But one day,
Death will come for you,
she'll take your hand in a caress
and deliver you to her protection.
Life will be no more.

There's a fan on my ceiling
Circling air around and around me.
Laying on my bed in the dark
I think about the day to come
And I cringe.
Turning over, pushing the blankets off of me
I take a deep breath and trace patterns on the wall, absentmindedly.
...
Thinking about the hallways and the rush to get from place to place,
From one idea to another.
The laughter, the chatter, the bumping of shoulders and impatience.
The bright sunlight and so many people
All crowded into one area.
...
The air in my room finally is cooling down,
It feels dark in here, safe, warm without being uncomfortable.
The clock ticks downs the seconds, minutes, hours til my day starts.
I dread it. I want to stay here.
In my bed, in the dark.
Comfortable, safe, and alone.
...
Away from people and noise and expectations and lights and responsibility.
Curled in my corner of the bed, facing the wall and making patterns on the wall in the dark.
I want to stay right here....forever.

on and on and on
so much space ruined
by simple human emotion.
we are destructive beings, after all.
nobody will care,
but also...nobody cares because I don't tell them.
I can't find my lover,
with the three, sharp and cold rings,
whose silver smile cut through me quicker
than your glance.
I feel unconnected
I can't do the actual damage,
so I fantasize about it,
dream about it,
trace it out on my skin with my fingers.
even now,
I can't break my promise.

Is it bad that I feel lonely?
Is it bad that even though I am not alone,
I long for company,
I just don't know whose.
Is it bad I'd rather sit on my floor,
look at the wall and feel the world around me move,
but feel so still in all of these bright, false colors.
Is it bad that I want to be alone,
but not lonely?
I want to run away.
It's happening again,
I've been feeling it coming for so long,
but warded it away.
It's coming on to me so quickly now..
the broken glass on the floor,
the bite of the razor,
the cold water and wet clothes,
the music and voices no one else can hear.
I want you, who used to always notice,
notice me now in this state.
I thought you would see the signs...
but you haven't...so I'm alone again.
Should've known.
It's okay, though. It's happened before,
I'll leave you alone now.
I'll run away on my own,
and keep being alone and lonely,
because it's better than feeling falsely loved.
It's okay, I'm used to it.
No fault of yours.

I want to write about your lips
and your kiss.
How incredibly soft and warm they
always are.
Pressed gently or roughly against mine,
they always show your love.
You are gorgeous,
smiling and frowning.
A perfect moon and a perfect pout.
So full and lovely.
I could watch you talk all day
and memorize the way they move,
and when I catch a glimpse of your
teeth or a sliver of your tongue.
I don't think you realize just how
much I've watched you.
You are beautiful,
and I'll always listen to what you
have to say.

I've always wanted to be a rock star
the idols of ***, allure, drugs, and music.
I want to be someone's god
I want to walk onstage and command
everybody.
I want them all to be mine and be untouchably touchable.
I want to wreak havoc on the order and rebel against them all.
Glam rock has a particular appeal with the
makeup and costumes and aura of
*** and sensuality and vulnerable impregnability.
I want to be idolized and unconnected with everything.
You all mean nothing but are the reason for my existence.
This is my wish

It's Saturday morning.
3 am and counting
I've been staring at the
walls, ceiling, floors, sheets.
Anything my eyes can see.
I feel exhausted but I can't sleep again.
Instead I'm writing on this paper from
the light of my lamp.
I feel lonely again...
I walked by my sister's room and saw her asleep.
Stood outside my little siblings room and heard nothing.
My parents room was dark.
I'm listening to Nirvana and Kings of Leon and all
my tortured, pained music that can affect me
like no other.
The incredible pain and rawness you hear in their voices.
the twisted confusion in their lyrics.
This music understands me better than anybody I know.

I walk along these halls,
Bright, blinding white all around
My breathing quickens and tremors
in a panic.
I feel trapped in all this sheer
blankness,
I scream and bang on the walls,
begging to be released
I slam my palms into the walls of this
cage until I'm exhausted
and on the floor.
The only thing that is still ramming
and breaking and struggling is my heart.
Searching for a way out still.
Foolish thing.
The heart has no thought to know it's
useless and no eyes to see the
futility.
Calm, I breathe. Give it up, I whisper
to my panicked heart.
Ushering it to be still.
Give in, it's okay. If you stop, this will all go away.
I promise.
Slowly, slowly the blood in my heart
stopped thrumming and I bled out into
the whiteness.
Staining red the blank, empty
whiteness these halls were.
-Oh well-I think through the fog
-My heart is stopping, there will be
peace again.-
With the last few soft thumps of my
heart I smile at the halls.
There will be no more horror or
blankness or pain in here.
It will be gone with me.
I smile.
It's a white smile. But it isn't evil or
strangling.
Gentle and soft. Warm.
The girl is happily dead.

I'd like to say one day
That I'll be definitely, unquestionably,
without a doubt, absolutely, 100%
okay.
But I don't know if I can say that.
I'm happy
but I'm not.
I can laugh and smile
but it's not the same.
I can love
but I still hate.
I don't know if I'll be the okay
you want me to be one day.

I have the urge to feel fire
in my throat and stomach.
A bottle of tequila, a shot glass
and the music of a haunted man.
To lay back and feel the burn
is the cure to the hole in my
shattered heart.
I want to drown everything
I want to forget you and erase you
from my thoughts, but I don't either.
I want to remember every
smile, laugh, kiss and touch.
I don't know what to drown
myself in...
the drink or the illusion my
memory gives.

I'm always happy here,
or so I thought.
It's been awhile since I've been here.
Things have changed, at least for me.
We arrived today and I couldn't feel
less happy.
It's not the place, it really isn't.
It's gorgeous here,
with the open mountain air,
the deep green of the forest,
the multiple layers of the rock,
the deep blue-green-gray of the lake.
I do not doubt it's beauty.
It is not my surroundings, it is the
people.
I don't know some and don't like others.
I really don't want to be here with them please.
Let me be alone and away from them,
I have a strange dislike and disgust
with them.
Please let me go home...
I bet you can guess that isn't a place
either.
The people I love, admire and adore
are my home.
I only want to be with them and go
away from here, this alien place
to the warmth and comfort of my home
...but I can't.
I'm stuck here with you. With them.
These people who move
and are strangers in my life.
I have and want nothing for or from
them.

A deep blackness covered her sight.
She knew not how long it had been
since she saw the light,
But she knew somewhere in her soul
The light would come and paint the
world in colors,
A warmth of colors of beginnings,
reds, oranges, yellows.
This beginning was called ritausma.
The beginning of the day.

I stare blankly at the open door.
Music drifts from my headphones
and through my mind.
But I pay no attention.
My mind is like a lake before a storm.
Absolutely still and gray.
I don't feel anything.
I keep walking through my life,
waiting for something to happen.
I'm in love and loved
but my mind is ignoring her.
In the recesses of my mind.
There is only pain and a midnight sky
without its stars.
I want to step outside and smile.
But that seems impossible when
there is nothing inside of me that wants to move
from my position on the floor.
I wish I could lay here forever but
there are people who say they need me.
If they need me so much, why does everything
I do for them seem so wrong?
They're always dissatisfied with me.
I don't understand it.
Just let me go if I'm so bad.
So weak. So lame and lazy and stupid.
But you won't,
and instead you keep a puppet,
whose empty shell guards the girl from the outside.
I don't want to be here,
especially here with you.

Laying in bed and I notice how
empty it is.
how empty everything is.
It all means nothing.
Everything I do and have done.
It was all for this nothingness.
I want to shatter it and break out.
I want to scream until the world is deaf.
I don't want to be here, in all this emptiness.
...
and its not that I'm suicidal.
I just don't want to be here or with all these
fake people who are and do nothing.
I'd take you, and maybe a few others away from this
life with me.
we'll never come back to this, our, hell.
I promise.

I cant sleep.
I'm too consumed with
thinking of you.
I think of you through the day,
but once the sun sets,
my thoughts of you become dangerous.
My mind flashes to blood and how I
had promised I wouldn't bleed for you.
I'm missing you too much, too early.
God, this hurts like hell.
there is a hole in my existence
that only you can fill.
I cant wait to see you again, but I know you're happy where you are,
so I wont tell you about my thoughts at night or the pain in my chest.
Just know, my love, I love you.

It's too dark in the corners.
I watch the shadows in my room
as they shift and step towards me.
Shivering I push myself away,
only to feel as my inner demons
claw their way up and out of me.
Emerging slowly and painfully
through my conscience
my personal hells hover over my body,
then seep into my mind
and their soft voices sicken me with their torment.
They sweep themselves through me,
leaving red moons and lines and
their victim begs for them to stop
but they refuse and continue to burn
the numb girl in her own insanity.
crying into the night,
pleading and sobbing for them to let her go.
Her voice does nothing to break
the quiet that now pulsates and suffocates her.
she can still feel the demons razor-like hands
as they had traced her body,
shredding her skin and
tearing her mind from the reality.
Shaking violently, tears streaming down her face,
she holds her body and rocks back and forth
back and forth.
It is a weak attempt at safety and protection...
and she knows it.
But she chooses to believe if she
protects herself like this,
the demons won't be able to come back
and tear her from everything
and leave her screaming at the darkness outside
and within.

I want to see what it's like to be good.
do you breathe easier?
Can you go through your day
without regrets?
Do you sleep better at night?
Is life easier? Is it better?
I wouldn't know what it's like to be good.
In order to be good,
you have to do things right
Something I'm miserable at, doing things right.
All my tests have A's but there is no homework.
another failed class.
I made her smile today, my mother screamed.
another fight.
A bright morning, and a dark night.
just another dose of black.
Just one more slash.
just one more drop of blood.
Just another sleepless night.
I'm afraid that while my life is mine,
I'll never be good.

Sleep decided to vacate me tonight.
I'm left to think about you.
and razors and blood and pain.
I try to drown the urge
in a wave of sound.
the music floods my ears,
but isn't affecting my body.
I want it to hit my spine and
revertebrate through my body.
Instead of my usual dose of pain to keep me sane,
I try to keep the madness away with                                                             ­         melodies that floatthroughmymind.                                              ­                                    a nd a voice that promises to understand and words that spread through your veins better than any drug

I glance to my side to see my mirror image.
She looks just like me.
But there are small differences.
And it really shows who's the better one.
Her hair is longer, her skin is clearer
she's taller and thinner.
Her body is more complete and smaller.
She's lovely.
Mother calls her wise and intelligent.
She's the favorite.
I sit in my corner.
I always fail,
never could compare.
My candle was outshone by the
brilliance of her star.
I love her.
I have to, and I admire her.
...
But I hate her too.
I've always been her inferior.
And I hate it because I know she's right.
Always is.
I want to break her perfection.
But that would break her too.
As perfect as she is,
being broken is not for her.
It would hurt her too much.
It would be unfair to her.
...
I may hate my other half
But I don't.
She's too good for that and I want to protect her.
See,
You can't hate the one person you
really cannot live without.
It's impossible.
I'll live with her being perfect
I can survive in her shadow.
I know how to.
I've been weak so long that I know I'm
strong enough to persevere.

I sit in my cold bath
It holds the even colder girl.
Slowly deteriorating.
She breaks from a love
that makes her strong...
But when it's gone,
the girl is weak
and slowly rots in her head.
Without those arms that
held her safe from the monster,
It invades her again
and makes her choke on her own
poison and pain.
Without that voice that sang away her fears,
She's lost in her ocean of nightmares.
She shivers,
colder than ever and feels as
her spirit numbs her from the inside out.
She is weak and so vulnerable.
She needs the love whose happiness is hers
and can make her day brighter than
the night stars and the sun.
Reminiscing in her memories,
the frozen girl becomes black and blue.
There is red too
From the bite and pull of her fingernails.
Leaving scars instead of her lover's marks.
Finally calming herself,
She remembers her love is coming home soon
and will protect her from the monsters.
No more pain or fears.
For the first time in the dark night,
the girl smiles and is safe in her mind.

You called me tonight,
I was so happy to see you.
We smiled and made silly faces and laughed.
We said our "I miss yous"
and our "I love yous".
We took forever saying our goodbyes,
neither one of us wanted to let
the other go,
but we had to.
And my love,
it hurt to press 'end' and
see your face disappear from sight.
I missed you even more after.
Your face, your smile, the sound of your laughter.

Memorize.
I memorize the details of your face.
You're leaving for a week,
I know that doesn't sound like much
but to me, it's forever.
I memorize the way you close your eyes
and the way you take a breath.
I memorize how soft your skin is.
I memorize the shape of your cheeks
and the feeling of your skin beneath my fingertips.
I memorize the shape of your brows and shuttered eyes
and the feel of them beneath the pad of my thumb.
I memorize the gentle ***** of your nose
and how it felt as my fingertips trailed it.
I memorize the soft silk of your hair
and how it felt as I brushed your bangs back.
I memorize the shape of your lips
as I trace them with my fingertip.
I memorize your smell
as I bury my face into your neck.
I memorize the feeling of your
arms wrapped around me.
Finally, I memorize the taste of your kiss.
The way your mouth moves against mine,
and the flavor of your tongue.
Now you're leaving and I feel
the tears fill my eyes as I watch you leave.
But I know I'll be okay.
I have you in my memories.
Just know, love,
I'll be waiting until these
memories are no more
and you're back here with me.
I love you.

Beauty is a child's game,
A lie they say.
And so I believed.
My world and all of it's nature
lost it's beauty.
But then one day,
months later,
There was you.
And you were beautiful.
You came into my world,
my empty, gray and numb world,
and showed me what beauty was again.
It was in every ray of sunshine,
every breath of fresh air,
every moment of light and laughter.
It was all in you.
The beauty of the world was in you.
And now....
you are my world.

I'm scared.
I'm scared of waking up one day
and realizing I didn't do anything.
I didn't do enough.
I'm scared I'll never travel or go places.
I didn't try hard enough.
I'm scared I won't be successful or secure.
I didn't work hard enough.
But most of all,
I'm scared for my happiness.
I'm scared for you,
of losing you.
And knowing that
I didn't love enough.
Please.
Don't let me wake up scared.
Let me wake up to you.

There was something soft about the way she moved.
It was quiet and slow.
She was thinking of something,
deep in her own mind.
She wanted to be left alone to her thoughts.
She didn't want to talk tonight,
her thoughts were too heavy for her voice.
They would break her if
she tried to utter them
and she wasn't quite ready to break,
even though she knew that later in the night
when everything was dead,
her thoughts would become too loud
and she'd break out of fear and pain.
She would pour herself into the night
and it would all be gone by morning.
She smiled to herself, and thought
this is why she loved the night.

Do you remember when they said,
'Don't worry. There are no monsters
under your bed.'?
They were right.
The monsters moved from imagination
under your bed
to reality
in your head.

A soft word on parted lips
Gentle, warm and moist
Chocolate brown eyes that understand
Light kisses against my skin
that hint at something more.
I feel her laughter that bubbles forth
and we're both smiling,
it deepens and an unspoken tension
flits between us, luring and tempting.
begging to do more.
My lips part willingly for her
And I taste her on my tongue.
She is sweet and glowing against me.
The heat rises and ebbs,
touches become wanton and frantic
I plead with her to give me my desire.
wish granted
sleep stole over her after the deed,
but I am wrapped in her and awake.
My fingers slip through her hair,
at some attempt to tame it.
Giving up, I chuckle
and kiss her.
Just her.
Her forehead, her hair, her nose, her eyes, her cheeks.
And lastly her lips.
My love and my life
*how I love you.

Reach out to the corner of darkness
in your mind
Wrap it around you
It is your shield from the illuminant
From the fake, shiny and perfect
Break away and turn inwards
Towards your pain,
            your twisted,
     your imperfection.
Nobody knows of the red and the black
Of the glint and the pulse
Nobody but the voices and the broken.

Rough lines,
a torn heart,
a gentle touch.
Changed air,
unhidden feelings;
intensity.
Tears fall,
veiled face.
A broken body
in strong arms.
A soft kiss
on smooth skin.
A smile revealed
and feelings repaired.

Warmth pools around you
Look around and see that it's night
"You're sad, I know" it says
Cradled to safety
Protected from hurt
Kiss me goodbye
I'm off tonight
Fake a laugh, fake a smile
Save a tear, lose a love
Black and broken
Red between the lines
Claw yourself to shreds
A broken tide on shore
See the pain and lies
The shouts, the fights
The silence of the mind
The voices inside
Insanity breaks
Crawl away to die

a Dark promise
A smooth mouth
Words fall to honeyed poison
The want to touch
To feel the heat rise
(An elliptical ride)
A soft here and a rough where?
Damp breath and warm covers
Inexperienced dancer
Softly harsh against skin
A ward against sin
A movement slow
The rise and release
Dull, thudding pain
With a sharp twinge
(Walk it off)
Bruises form
Point and whisper
Heartbreak
A shattered dimension
Damage aspirationed
A toxic taste
With a damaged face

The empty street
It expands in front of me
The city lights
I dont know where they went
The buildings, tall and forlorn
Walk alone
Cracks in the ground
Broken bottles
a chuckle sounds out.
'cracks...broken'
a shadow whispered,
'how very much like your heart...'

In my Dreams,
The ones I love suffer and cry,
As their souls are taken from them
and delivered
Into Death's all too capable hands and hood.
In my Dreams,
Shadows flutter by
And the faceless angel is haunted
By one of my mind's own creation, a Demon misunderstood.
In my Dreams,
Shattered souls light up the forever midnight sky
And all intact hearts and beauty is doomed
Once inside my nightmare falsehood.
In my Dreams,
The demons awake
Both from down below
And from within.
In my Dreams,
My worst fears await
And tell me to let go
For the last time and convince me that it's not a sin.

You'll never fit in,
but that's okay
I'll take you in
and lead you away,
I'll teach you how to love
The shutters of your eyes are closed
to me.
Won't you open them and let me see?
(Oh please)
Show me the way
Be the one I will love and have love
in return
I can't promise to erase,
but I can help you create

"She said she was like the sun."
The young girl sobbed to herself
on the bathroom floor.
the tears slipped down her face
as the blade glided over her skin.
scarring her skin
to heal the
wound in her heart
...
in the late hours after,
when the pain had ceased
and the numbness had come,
she asked the night
"And how am I to compare
when there is no greater star
in our galaxy?"

We fight, we break
We make, we take
What is it that we must rush
to constantly?
Why can't we stop to take a look
around and help those who have
fallen?
Is it because we're scared of falling
too?
Or taking that step to help someone
and hold their heart and trust within
your soul?