A deep blackness covered her sight.
She knew not how long it had been
since she saw the light,
But she knew somewhere in her soul
The light would come and paint the
world in colors,
A warmth of colors of beginnings,
reds, oranges, yellows.
This beginning was called ritausma.
The beginning of the day.

I stare blankly at the open door.
Music drifts from my headphones
and through my mind.
But I pay no attention.
My mind is like a lake before a storm.
Absolutely still and gray.
I don't feel anything.
I keep walking through my life,
waiting for something to happen.
I'm in love and loved
but my mind is ignoring her.
In the recesses of my mind.
There is only pain and a midnight sky
without its stars.
I want to step outside and smile.
But that seems impossible when
there is nothing inside of me that wants to move
from my position on the floor.
I wish I could lay here forever but
there are people who say they need me.
If they need me so much, why does everything
I do for them seem so wrong?
They're always dissatisfied with me.
I don't understand it.
Just let me go if I'm so bad.
So weak. So lame and lazy and stupid.
But you won't,
and instead you keep a puppet,
whose empty shell guards the girl from the outside.
I don't want to be here,
especially here with you.

Laying in bed and I notice how
empty it is.
how empty everything is.
It all means nothing.
Everything I do and have done.
It was all for this nothingness.
I want to shatter it and break out.
I want to scream until the world is deaf.
I don't want to be here, in all this emptiness.
...
and its not that I'm suicidal.
I just don't want to be here or with all these
fake people who are and do nothing.
I'd take you, and maybe a few others away from this
life with me.
we'll never come back to this, our, hell.
I promise.

I cant sleep.
I'm too consumed with
thinking of you.
I think of you through the day,
but once the sun sets,
my thoughts of you become dangerous.
My mind flashes to blood and how I
had promised I wouldn't bleed for you.
I'm missing you too much, too early.
God, this hurts like hell.
there is a hole in my existence
that only you can fill.
I cant wait to see you again, but I know you're happy where you are,
so I wont tell you about my thoughts at night or the pain in my chest.
Just know, my love, I love you.

It's too dark in the corners.
I watch the shadows in my room
as they shift and step towards me.
Shivering I push myself away,
only to feel as my inner demons
claw their way up and out of me.
Emerging slowly and painfully
through my conscience
my personal hells hover over my body,
then seep into my mind
and their soft voices sicken me with their torment.
They sweep themselves through me,
leaving red moons and lines and
their victim begs for them to stop
but they refuse and continue to burn
the numb girl in her own insanity.
crying into the night,
pleading and sobbing for them to let her go.
Her voice does nothing to break
the quiet that now pulsates and suffocates her.
she can still feel the demons razor-like hands
as they had traced her body,
shredding her skin and
tearing her mind from the reality.
Shaking violently, tears streaming down her face,
she holds her body and rocks back and forth
back and forth.
It is a weak attempt at safety and protection...
and she knows it.
But she chooses to believe if she
protects herself like this,
the demons won't be able to come back
and tear her from everything
and leave her screaming at the darkness outside
and within.

I want to see what it's like to be good.
do you breathe easier?
Can you go through your day
without regrets?
Do you sleep better at night?
Is life easier? Is it better?
I wouldn't know what it's like to be good.
In order to be good,
you have to do things right
Something I'm miserable at, doing things right.
All my tests have A's but there is no homework.
another failed class.
I made her smile today, my mother screamed.
another fight.
A bright morning, and a dark night.
just another dose of black.
Just one more slash.
just one more drop of blood.
Just another sleepless night.
I'm afraid that while my life is mine,
I'll never be good.

Sleep decided to vacate me tonight.
I'm left to think about you.
and razors and blood and pain.
I try to drown the urge
in a wave of sound.
the music floods my ears,
but isn't affecting my body.
I want it to hit my spine and
revertebrate through my body.
Instead of my usual dose of pain to keep me sane,
I try to keep the madness away with                                                             ­         melodies that floatthroughmymind.                                              ­                                    a nd a voice that promises to understand and words that spread through your veins better than any drug