doing yoga in my room
trying to level my
level my
anxiety

if the tension melts off my
shoulders and into the
ground, earthbound like a line of
tears, i'm holding my ear to the floor,
catching whispers of
energy leaving or gathering, perhaps both
a tangible exchange

                                              is
                                      skin
                   ­             my
my mind is rising            transparent, a bird hits
my window because she didn't see it, i turn my neck too fast and
pull a muscle, the only way out of this room is feathered by
ineffective attempts, planned escapes leading
nowhere, arms that reach but can't grab when everything i want is
catastrophic

doing yoga in my
room trying to le
vel my an
xiety, holding my breath
listening for the cautious whisper,
a voice that breaks in the tone of my own, hesitates
to form words, says in a quiet lull:
"I trust you"

melts

ener
gy lea
vin
g or
gathering,
perhaps both
a tangible exchange

the sun was so bright that it bled through the blinds and
my hair was so short i felt naked
you told me you liked it,
my short hair
i wondered if he would notice

i try to keep the memory fresh, i avoid that photo he and
i featured in accidentally, my back to the camera,
his eyes his gaze his eyes on me
when i see it, occasionally, i have to wonder, was that
transfixed interest or him just wanting
to ****

maybe
it's the same
thing maybe what i want is to be
wanted maybe i want what he wants and he wants to take his hands and
put them where he wants to and maybe tell his friends about it later and then i'd be all used up

for two weeks, swollen lymph nodes rake razors down my neck,
making sleep elusive sleep even though sleep i
want it so badly
i hope when i see you i'm breathing easy
i hope my hair grows
back just a little
i hope to learn the male secret of infinite resource,
to give to others without diminishing myself

Tiny hairs on sturdy arms that I imagine blonde
envision you sun-kissed without knowing why
all in the dark to myself  
with you finding
my waist, stomach, and
parts of me I didn't offer

I fix hands in your hair, let them stay
brush the stubble and entwine
longer pieces, maybe pulling
knees curling up to my
chest, butterflies forming but
falling away on numb nerves

I force legs to unfold and
outside in unclear night I
look behind me more than once,
embarrassed I even checked

that night wasn't smoke through my fingers it was
your body in my hands and then
not, in the morning I tried to count what I'd lost
but the only empty was the hollow of my neck

give me a moment to clean the cobwebs of the future
off my face
there, now I can see where I got me
look in the mirror and love my body
and maybe save the girl who for the past year I've been burning alive

you can spend three forevers looking for arms to embrace you
only to forget the ones on each of your sides
there must be a reason
they bend towards my ribcage
and wrap around my heart

I wasn't here to dress in grey only,
it just made my skin look so ******* good
I've closeted five feet of violet velvet
and maybe it belongs there, in the dark

I watched colours move like courage on their shirts
and had to try it too, you couldn't blame me
who wouldn't force taffeta over their arms
after watching it kiss and reflect the sky's
smile, cut-crash on its back like lucidity

On me, however, it just sat plainly
it was the motion of their bodies underneath
that'd brought beauty
what a grand illusion
what a waste of time

New continents call me but I don't answer
all hues clash with a heart black and white
I know grey and what comes after
the foreign taste of day after night

waiting for spring to open her arms to me
takes up all my time, my mind is a
single barrel gun with only
one shot to fire at
a thousand targets, all of which I could miss

welcome back on the scene, intruder
welcome back in my dreams, assailant
here is your natural home in my heart
here is your rightful piece of my brain

I loved dividing myself for you,
whole I had more strength than I knew what to do with
I loathed dividing myself for you
but when you asked me to, I did it again

I know spring tastes of warmth but I forget warmth
tastes of you
I found myself in winter, but who wants to be a
single-snowflake-being, born of darkness and chill

I'm waiting for spring to open her arms to me
layers of skin melting away
afraid of what I'll be
when there's nothing left but bone

i honestly dreamt that you were braiding my hair
but I woke up to find it falling in my face
i know that it's hard for you to write me but would you at least
once so I know you're alive?
that late-night text to say you'd been admitted
i was so mad that you hadn't asked me about my day
you were so scared because you hate the hospital
if i was there maybe i could have fixed everything
if i was there i would have made it worse

i wonder if i even have that Power anymore
have you taken it away and ARE YOU EVEN THERE
CAN YOU JUST ******* GIVE ME ONE STRAIGHT ANSWER

I guess we were always queer, you openly, me secretly,
you devotedly until I devotedly and then you
completely illegible

i guess we were always queer, you secretly, me openly
you noticed me until i noticed and t15s
wq3tvf15 6oZje

then again, you never wanted me to read you