she is a thousand shades of beautiful

she is everything all at once

she is terrifying and i think she knows it

she is my favorite song after a coke binge I COULD NEVER GET TIRED OF THE SOUND OF HER VOICE

she is staying up for the sunrise but never waking up that early because

she is everything i was too afraid to say

she is infinite shades of beautiful
and she looks fine as hell in every one
and she don't even know it

ONE

WHO THE **** SAYS ****** WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU

TWO

"SQUIRRELS"IS MY DAD'S "LESS OFFENSIVE" TERM TO DESCRIBE ******* AFTER I CAME OUT IN 7TH GRADE

THREE

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR CHOOSING ALCOHOL OVER MY RELATIONSHIP
MY MOM SAYS I AM MY FATHER'S SPITTING IMAGE

FOUR

MY MOM SAYS I AM MY FATHER'S SPITTING IMAGE
i think that says enough

remember how she tasted the first time she kissed you

no one is vacant of fear

i swear i saw her lips tremble
even with my eyes closed

u can't

IS JUST DEPRESSING WHEN YOU CAN'T EVER GET ANYONE TO SHUT UP WHEN NO ONE IS TALKING AND YOU DON'T LEAVE BED BECAUSE AT LEAST THESE GHOSTS ARE FAMILIAR

I'M SO SICK OF LIVING LIKE I'M DEAD

i am spiraling out

and i can feel it because i'm always rubbing my eyes
and i think my hair is falling out
because i keep waking up to my dreams left on my pillows

i am spiraling out

and i don't remember the last time i felt ok
or the last time i took my meds

BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THOSE AREN'T RELATED

but at least drugs stop the screaming
and the shaking
and the constant paranoia

WHY IS SHE ALWAYS TRYING TO LEAVE ME

i don't know what i did wrong

I WANT TO GET HIGH

she smells like cigars

and my garage when my dad drinks too much
and it doesn't matter how expensive his taste
it all smells cheap and it makes my head spin

and i don't think i'm still standing up
and everything's black
or silver
or

and someone's screaming at me and it doesn't matter how small i try to become
i can't get away
from all of the noise

and i guess that's what i get for only picking jobs where people yell at you all day

and for coming back every time i ran away

she smells like cigars

and recently i haven't been feeling so safe

-she's autumn
(and that's my favorite season)
always a little red in the face,
and that's my favorite color
(especially on her)

-i like her because she's all early september
(which means staying in bed until after 10)

-and she always holds me when i feel like i'm falling apart
(which is often)

-she kisses like 4th of july
(which means HARD)
and my ears are still ringing
(which means i can't think about anything else)

-she's all firecrackers and campfires
(i can still smell her on my clothes in the morning)

-she's the reason i'm trying so hard
(which is to say)
i love you

-i want the exact date and time of the moment you realized

-do you remember the first time we had ***? and was that before or after you told me you didn't love me?

-she doesn't love me
she doesn't love me
she doesn't love me

-and that's how i deal with getting high behind your back

i am more impressed with your ability to wake up

see, cause i know how you get
and that's not to say that you're too sensitive

but i love the way you look when you're mad
just hate the way your voice sounds like i'm doing something wrong
again

How can

I ever

Get you to understand.. I

Have never felt so

Four o'clock in the morning
Is the worst time
To be missing you

But I am

I don't miss getting high when I'm with you

i hate that i let other people touch me

i do not feel mine after
and i hardly feel theirs

i hate how good she looks so
sometimes she catches me staring at the wall

i **** her because she tells me she loves me

and she tastes sweeter than the last girl

and she stops when i ask
and so she feels safe to me

and i almost feel mine again

and i want so badly to be hers

feel like

biting my nails too close
and stubbing the same toe
over and over and over again

except a lot ******* worse

taste like

bile and stomach acid

and my throat ******* burns

and i can't tell if it's ever going to end
or if i just have to get high again

no, i don't care that you think the game is broken
it's not supposed to give you tickets
it's guitar hero

no, your kid can't climb on the stage
get them down
cause you sure as hell don't want me to

shut the **** up
it's not my fault your kid ****** themselves
and no, i will not clean them up for you

you can have one thing from the red bin
no, you can't have the chuck e. doll
you only have three tickets


you know what?
listen, i don't really care

i wear a rat suit for minimum wage

remember razor blades
and how she tasted when you kissed

something smells like rust

and i can't tell it it is open wounds
or if i just left myself out in the rain again

what is it like to love someone
more than you hate yourself

i am trying to remember

i sniffle back tears
and something bitter
my hands shake
and my heart beats fast

i think i love you

or i'm just high again

she holds my hands
and i think it's so she'll stop shaking

i can taste all the pills in her stomach

they taste a little bit like she's saying goodbye

she keeps nodding off
so i keep telling her to open her eyes

i know she has a habit of talking in her sleep
and i'm just not ready to hear this

i am twelve years of
self pity

holding myself to my father's words
i will never be good enough

i am a short fuse
soaked in bourbon

a handful of every pill in the cabinet
and i call myself a cocktail party

i am reckless
like jumping out of moving cars

i died a long time ago

but she says the corpse thing
is hot

most days
i say i'd rather be dead

i wake up with migraines a lot
maybe because i'm always screaming in my sleep

and i'm constantly shaking
but i'm never cold

and i'm trying so hard to get comfortable

my insides feel like they're rotting

and the truth it
i just want to be in control

maybe i'll just **** myself

she's the color of

bleach down your throat

she knows all too well
the way stomach acid tastes

i've never seen someone

look

so

pale

It's my bad habits
That drive you insane

The way I sleep more than I eat
And that isn't much

The way I always taste like coke
And I've got smoke in my lungs

I know you only want me
When the lights are off

i'm never gonna tell her
how i crave her fingers

i always catch myself
staring at her lips

there isn't one part of her
i don't desperately desire

and she looks so ******* good
with the lights on

i'm never gonna tell her
i'm in love

i've never been one
to leave the lights on

i don't know
what it is i'm hiding from

but i'm not afraid anymore

everything tastes like
your perfume

i can still feel your skin
underneath my fingertips

tell me you love me
or that you need me

tell me you like the way
i touch you

i'm just begging you to stay

i have never been
soft spoken

always so loud and harsh
and never cared who heard me

now my words are heavy
and god
i hope you're listening

i can't keep it to myself
anymore

i want you

****
but i need you so much more

how tonight
you couldn't keep your hands off me

and i got to tell you
i love you
over and over
and over again

your touch
sets every nerve in my body on fire

you make my skin burn
and everything feels electric

i'm so into you

and the way you kiss me
with your hands at my throat

i want to make you feel

i'm not really sure anymore

because i want to make you feel safe

but i know
there's just something about feeling dangerous

you can't seem to get enough of

it's the way your breath catches
and how you lean into my touch
that drives me so crazy

i am all yours

and tonight
you are all mine

it's nights like this

i spend hours reliving
your hands on my skin

i want so badly
to hear you sighing my name
again

tell me you want me

my fingers pluck at every part of you
you love to hate

like strings on a guitar

and oh god
you make the most beautiful sound

your lips are the color of

like if you shot me in the chest and hung around long enough to watch me bleed out

i think it would look like your smile

bright red
and a little bit dead inside

but that's okay

your lips are still the only ones i want to kiss

i am bent over backwards for you

your venom tastes like candy
everything about you is sweet
until it's not

and kissing you feels like

i don't want to die anymore

i liked xanax
because it helps me sleep
but now i have nightmares
and i wake up screaming

She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I ****** up

Shouldn’t have let go so easy
but no part of this is easy
not for me

I hate you
mirrors were always my worst enemy
makes me have to see me for me

“you look broken without her”
no I’m fine really

I just hate this feeling

She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I was right

without her I am nobody
I’m nothing

all the dark without the light

say all night and no sleep and way too much caffeine
say caffeine like LSD
say LSD laced in Ecstasy
say I am in ecstasy when I am with you
say but hell it’s been a long time since I was with you

say love say broken say I’m sorry
say it like I loved you so much and you broke me and I wish you were sorry
but you’re in a whole other universe

say my chest is filled with empty
say my ribs are weaved in ivy and it is suffocating

say my name
once
say it again
loud enough for me to hear you
half deaf and only ever half alive

say it like a father saying his daughter’s name for the first time
say it with fire in your eyes
say it like there will never be a moment as beautiful as this
and that is tragic

say it like a mother saying her daughter’s name for the last time
say it with all the heart you’ve got left
say it like this is all you’ve got left
isn’t that tragic?

say it like the way the color red feels between your fingertips
(I know it’s your favorite)
say it like the smell right before you open your eyes in the morning

say my name
just once
let it hang on your lips
because no one has ever made it sound so sweet

say it like I love you

say love and drugs have a lot in common
they both eat away at you until you’ve got nothing left
leave you begging for one more taste

you have left me with nothing but a longing
just one more taste

the music is too loud and i don't like the way it feels without it on

nothing asks to move
no one needs my permission

nothing feels real

Your favorite color is red // you like metallica and iron maiden, just like your daddy // you believe in ghosts and soul mates // and you use to believe in us // maybe you still do, because now "us" has become just another one of your ghosts // you always fall for people with bad intentions // you say you still love me but i wish you really did // I keep saying I'm okay but it isn't true // your favorite color is red // but I use to be your favorite too

all you ever did was drag me down

i'm not sorry you're gone

I always find myself running after things I know are no good for me

like you.

and *******
but at least the blow leaves me feeling good
told me I was a god

you just left me feeling empty

i've got the world at my feet
and better things to chase

you were never worth my time

and the worst part is
it was always my fault

shouldn't have been drinking so much
or done all of those drugs

i wish you were sorry

go ahead and drink
'cause the room's already spinning
at least now you'll have something to blame it on

17 I taught myself how to use my left hand
when I broke all my knuckles
and took enough Percocet to put an elephant to sleep

17 I got a tattoo on my lower back
and fell in love with being a god
(that's why I still do *******)

17 my favorite lips told me
she thought she might love me
one day

i'm too young to be grateful

Spring
everything is alive but i feel dead inside

Summer
the air is thick and heavy like my heart

Fall
everything is changing but i still love you

Winter
it's cold outside and i cannot find warmth now that you're gone

Spring
everything is alive and i met a beautiful girl

Summer
the air is thick and we kissed under the stars

Fall
everything is changing and we danced in the rain

Winter
it is cold outside but i feel safe with you

April
your eyes shine brighter
than any star in the sky
i think i'm in love

May
i bought you flowers
roses, couldn't remember
your favorite, sorry

June
you are the first girl
i've ever wanted so bad
tell me you need me

July
she died this month and
i have never seen you so
broken, i love you

August
summer is ending
you'll go back to school, and i
will miss you like hell

September
happy birthday, babe
it's been hard the last few months
i know, hang in there

October
it's Halloween and
all i can think about is
how you look tonight

November
i just turned sixteen
i blew out my candles and
wished for your dad back

December
you haven't been the
same since he died, i guess that's
to be expected

January
you're moving away
so i'm going to Maryland
please don't forget me

February
my mom is bringing
you to come see me, i am
beyond excited

March
you left without an
"i love you" and i don't want
this to be goodbye

don't pick
it's not good for the ones that are trying to heal
and i'm sick of all the blood
you don't have to bother hiding them anymore
everyone already knows
when you hear that you ex is cutting now
and you tug on your sleeve
it is okay
it is not your fault
you did not teach her this
when the girl you love shies away from the mess you left on your skin
it is okay
she is allowed to react
when your mother turns away with teary eyes
it is okay
she still loves you
when you regret the scars
it is okay
just remember that the next time you pick up a knife

when you see her again for the first time
smile
no matter how badly you want to scream
remember last time you saw her she was moaning out your name
you are still in control even if she is not begging for you anymore
remember there was a time that you were the world to her
and don't worry
just because you are not hers doesn't mean you are not still the world
smile
and do not call her a mistake
remember she is not the only one loving someone new
some things, as the world goes, are only born to die
we have to remember to cherish what we have while it is still here
when you see her
smile
let her know it is okay without having to say "i forgive you"
let her know you are a better person now and do not ask for her back
you do not need her anymore
so smile