i wonder why all i want to write are love poems
i'm not in love
your eyes don't sparkle for me and i haven't seen you smile in months
my heart doesn't race after you like at use to
but my stomach turns when i see your face
i find myself swallowing back sobs and words i wish i could say

i wonder why all i want to write are love poems
i don't think i'm in love
i've spent more nights alone in my head
dreaming of kissing you
but my eyes are still open
i haven't slept in weeks
i toss with the image of your body against mine
and i stopped holding back the tears

i wonder why all i want to write are love poems
maybe i'm still in love

haunted houses
and not the ones on television
and the only ghosts that scare me
are the ones that carry my face

i swear i've died more times than i can remember
in the arms of girls that made me feel safe
and i cringe every time they try dig up my grave

and i'm not afraid of *******
but there are reasons i stay sober when i'm not alone
i'm more afraid of greedy hands
and everyone who never listens when i say no

i. you did not taste like your promises
not like "forever" or "i love you"
you tasted like desperation and old cigarette smoke
and i do not know which one i liked more

you drive me crazy
and not in a good way

you make my ******* skin crawl

and I am trying to figure out how
to rip you from my veins

you have always left a sour taste in my mouth
and I am trying to wash you out

but I can't forget the way you made me bleed
when I begged you

no
it never meant anything to you
that's why you never stopped when I begged you

no
please stop
please please please

you drive me crazy
in the "I want to blow my brains out" kind of way

do not touch me again
I can still feel my skin crawl

and I am trying to figure out how
to get rid of you

did you know I drag myself out of bed with six lines in the mornings
did you know I sniffle more than I blow because it's the blow I'm trying to push down my throat
that cringe worthy drip is all I'm living for anymore
did you know I've been high for five years
constantly patting away nose bleeds and I chipped all of my teeth
did you know that addiction is something we made up in our heads
that being high is only as good as the crash
did you know when I was sixteen I tried to get sober
did you know when I was sixteen I said **** it because the crash was way better than waking up alone
cause now I don't bother waking up
or ever going to sleep
or eating
did you know I find some sick pleasure in watching the scale drop
and I ain't never gonna tell nobody
did you know my smile was cut by razor blades
along with six lines of something bitter
did you know..
well no, of course not

I think hard about numbers
and how nothing ever adds up to make sense

some nights I sleep in the back seat of my car
I call that my sense of freedom

most nights I fill my head with powder
and my thoughts blur past me faster than the lights on an almost empty street

I think about how most nights I feel pretty empty too

150
I sleep more than I eat
my stomach is filled with pink pills and the air smells just like ****
140
molly makes me sick
so I only do it in honor of big events
like not getting invited to prom
130
I don't sleep anymore
I always have a ****** nose
I tell my mom it's allergies
it's really coke
120
my face has sunken like a ship
the black around my eyes is haunting
my dad says I look thin
he says beautiful
110
I tuck myself away with the rest of my skeletons
that's all I am
100
no sense in getting up anymore
I can't.

what the hell was i thinking
you were the one tearing me apart
but with empty promises
and a smile to match
i let you try to stitch me back together

you've never been very good with your hands

i'm breaking at the seams
you're no ******* good for me

and there's something comforting about a straw for a best friend
and at least now i'm using razor blades to cut something other than my skin

but i already felt the ground slipping out from under me
and the walls are getting a little too close to breathe
and i can't tell the difference between tripping and just a bad dream

somebody wake me up

I am allergic to affection

the term “I love you” makes my stomach turn and my hands sweat
and I think that is why they leave

because I know how to type it all out
but when it comes from my lips it always sounded like a plea

I do not sound desperately in love
just desperate
even the way I touched you

like I wanted so badly for you to be there in the morning but
I didn’t know how to ask you to stay without screaming it

I can’t be alone anymore

I wanted to slice my skin to show you that I needed you
but instead I scared you away

I am allergic to affection

I have never known how to hold someone
how to kiss you without biting your lips

I wanted you to be mine

but you were always so much more

she says it’s not healthy

and I can’t help but wonder
if she means loving girls I know will never love me back or
all the things I use to substitute so they don’t have to

she says she won’t kiss me with dip in my mouth or after I smoke a cigarette
I never really assumed she would

I know my habits are unattractive
constant nose bleeds and being so ******* angry all the time

she says it’s not healthy
I wonder why she even cares

she only says she loves me when she wants something
like *** or for me to quit drinking so much

she always complains that I taste like my depression
that I hold her with shaky hands and my smile seems to tremble with them

she says it’s not healthy
to keep living like this

I argue that at least I’m living

And this isn’t some sad love poem about how I still love you
I don’t

But out of all of my mistakes, you’re still my favorite

I’m a liar.
I want you back

I want your tired eyes and your smudged makeup

I want your shaky hands and even shakier voice
to keep telling me you love me

I want you back
**** I want you back

she does not taste like you

she tastes bitter with anger
and she’ll never say she loves me

but something about the way she kisses me
makes me think it’ll be okay

I use to love you

you use to smell like cigarettes and cheap beer

but now I’m the one who smells like I’ve been drinking too much
and I’m the one who can’t seem to pick myself up off of the floor

and I’m scared

I’m scared because I haven’t felt this lonely since
you slept beside me

but at least then I had someone to hold

and now I’m clutching my stomach hoping this time

I won’t cry over a girl who doesn’t want me by her side
even though I’m still hoping you’ll come back to bed

my body’s shaking from withdrawal

you were stronger than any drug I’ve ever tasted
more poisonous too

and it’s killing me

I had been ready to die for a long time

but now that you’re gone
and I’ll die having forgotten what you look like
and how you felt

I’m not so ready anymore

I don’t know if a part of me really died when you left
or if you just took it with you

because my five a.m. smile hasn’t been around for months
and cooking was my favorite thing
and I always made you lunch
but now I can’t even stomach the thought

I don’t like getting behind the wheel of a car since your dad died
it’s even harder with a cigarette between my lips
but I couldn’t drive any other way

I don’t like kissing girls unless I’m drunk
I feel less guilty for wishing they were you

I don’t sleep at night
but I don’t think I ever did
it’s harder now
sharing a bed with your ghost
and I swear these sheets still smell like you some nights

I haven’t cried since Charlie died
not since you left
I don’t think I remember how

I wonder if you remember any of our late nights together
I know we had quite a few
I wonder if any still mean a thing to you

how easy am I to forget?
do you look for the parts of me you stole?
I doubt I’ll ever get them back

I was so willing
I would’ve given you all I had to offer
I did

and you
you left me with an empty chest
screaming out your name

come back
I can’t make it on my own

this is not an apology

I’m sick of saying “sorry”
when I take my clothes off for you

my body is beautiful
even if you never said so

I’m sick of saying “sorry”
for knocking back the bottles
harder than you knocked me around

this is not an apology

I don’t owe you anything
hell I never did

I’m sick of the sorries
because my lips were too slow
my tongue too fast

my hands never met the speed of your measure
the tick tick tick of your metronome

I’m not sorry for walking away
when this was only ever one sided

this is not an apology

and I am glad you’re gone

at nine years old
you don’t really grasp the concept of forever..

that things that are permanent do not leave you

I thought that when I got better
they’d go away

and hell
maybe they will

maybe I just haven’t gotten better yet..

but I’m trying

she is a wilting daffodil only lives a few weeks before losing all of her prior appeal
she is a fleeting thought
maybe for a moment she sounded like a good idea but it is better that I let her go

she is too much like my ex
angry and disrespectful and lazy in the bedroom

she tastes too much like my childhood traumas
the way my dad smells when he drinks too much
how my mother never says “I love you too”

she is not something beautiful
she is bitter and poisonous and she does not care how comfortable you are

or uncomfortable

her favorite flower is a daffodil
she thinks it’s romantic and tragic how they only live but so long

I bet she never guessed
you were so glad something could die so quickly

never guessed
you were so glad you let her go

she wants late afternoons in bed

I want to come home after a long day at work and drink until I can’t tell the difference between my bed and the floor
I want to sleep with half the girls I meet

she says she wants to wake up to my smile every morning

I do not want to have to worry about waking up to a girl whose name I can’t even remember

she’s still waiting on “I love you”

but I’ve already said goodbye

I’m not supposed to miss you

my friends are mad you left
not really because I’m sad
just because they all thought we’d out last ourselves

but by the time I was spending our anniversary alone
you were ******* someone new

I’m not supposed to miss you

but when I watch our favorite movies
I still look over to see if you laughed too

I won’t **** her because she
doesn’t taste like you

I just wanted you to stay

I’m not supposed to miss you

but I swear
baby I still do

I’m afraid

I’m afraid that kissing in the back corner of the kitchen where your family can’t see us
will leave desire somewhere in my bones
too deep
for me to claw away

I’m afraid that I was never in love with you at all
and that I just liked the feeling of your teeth against my neck

I always swore
I adore you for more than just the way your skin feels under my palms

I’m afraid that when the bruises you left fade
I will ask you to leave more
at least I’ll have proof you were here

I’m afraid that if I hear you breathlessly asking my name
I will completely lose myself in you

I’m afraid because I do not have the self control to stop from wanting you

if you drink enough ***** it tastes like

regret

like all the nights you spent bent over the bathroom sink
tears running down your face when you can’t seem to catch your breath

like rust and blood and bile in the back of your throat
razors on the counter and a half cocked gun in your hand

like not sleeping because you’re too busy screaming at the sky
begging the moon to bring her back

like breaking bones on promises like “forever”
tearing open your chest searching for some part of you she might’ve left
but finding nothing

if you drink enough ***** it will not taste like love
and it certainly will not taste like her

you leave me sort of breathless like

my arms fall just a moment too short of reaching you like
telling my favorite joke backwards and ruining the punch line

because when I look at you my whole head goes blank

like I can’t remember that witty line I was going to use
you probably would’ve just laughed anyway

but the way you smile makes my stomach do flips and
my heart beat against my rib cage like drums

I’m sure you can hear it from across the room

but can’t imagine
how you make my palms sweat
and my face run red like

you’re the only girl I know that has ever made me blush like that or
at all

you leave me sort of breathless

like you stole it from my lips with that kiss
that I never got

I’m still hoping

you once planted daisies in my rib cage

you said the flowers were supposed to make me beautiful inside
but I have never felt beautiful

****
the closest thing to beauty I know

is the way the letters of your name hang on the tip of my tongue
and when we kissed

I felt the galaxies inside of you
open up like they could swallow me whole
and I know they could

I knew the stars lived inside of you the first time you looked at me
and all I had were flowers

but baby I don’t think you remembered
how easily flowers wilt
when you forget to water them

maybe you thought
because the lights are on
someone’s home

but this house has been empty for years
I only left the door unlocked hoping you would find your way back inside

I left everything the way you like it
I remember you telling me all of your favorite things the night it was too cloudy to see the stars in the sky
or maybe it was because they had already made their way into your eyes

truth of the matter is
I never really cared for daisies until

I tried roses once
or maybe twice
but their thorns tore open my lungs and it was already so hard to breathe around you
I ripped them out of my chest like weeds

and I would much rather have your daisies back

I spent the day collecting your things

put them away in a cardboard box
and tucked it in the back of my closet

along with the rest of my skeletons

I spent the night scraping you from my bones

washing your scent off of the sheets
scrubbing away the taste of your skin

I don’t want to remember

I don’t want to spend another second on you
I can’t

she whispers into the space between my neck and my collar bone
she tells me she never wants to leave
her lips trace promises of tomorrow onto my skin
there is nothing outside of us
of her and me
these blankets
she says
this is all i know anymore
like i have forgotten how to taste like anything
but waking up beside you
i tell her
this is all i want to know anymore
these blankets and tasting like you
but the world does not turn only for me
and when she leaves my bed
she is just another girl
and i am just desperately waiting
for tomorrow

i remember conversations in the dark
don't look at how my lips tremble when i say your name
i love the way you hold me
but couldn't love me
you're all hands and teeth
and baby devour me

picture this
sixteen years old
the world at my feet
but it's four in the morning
and it's the third time tonight
that i've woken up feeling like i am drowning
and i am gasping for air
it's like trying to breathe around a hole in my chest
where i carved out my heart
handing it to you i said baby
if you're leaving take this with you
you can do a lot more good with it than i can
but i'm still trying to teach myself how to love again
replaced all the blood in my veins with gasoline
and struck a match on my teeth

i just wanted to remember what it was like to feel

i'll tally your sins into flesh
maybe the blood will save you
a godless saint

we went everywhere together
she was the only one to comfort me
2. i never left for school without gauze wrap in my back pack
i had already ruined the sleeves of too many shirts
3. she drowned out his yelling
and i did not have to be afraid
4. i still don't understand affection
she is the only one i know how to hold
5. there is a difference between coping to survive
and suicide
6. i get nervous around sharp metal
it reminds me of the scars
7. i am still attracted to toxic relationships
8. but a razor never hurt as bad as you

i'm sorry i didn't take better care of her
i know i promised and i tried so hard
but she does not love me
and it is hard to keep her safe when she is walking away

thanks sobriety
for leaving me tossing in bed at night
i still wake up crying sometimes
but i can never remember why

i can almost feel your hands on me
hear myself begging you to stay
this time
it's suddenly so much harder to breathe
watching you walk away
come back
because i am so sick of waking up alone

she says i talk in my sleep
whisper to something dead inside
the parts of me that will never wake up
but i've only ever dreamed of feeling alive

something like children
stripped bare of innocence
i never got a say in what would happen to me
couldn't teach myself to speak fast enough
what does it matter
no never meant anything to you anyway

something about shaky hands
and the way your fingers fidget when you're nervous
warm skin flushed red with
things you didn't mean to say
out loud

you see, my hands shake
and i've broken most of my teeth
and i lose weight like i lose sleep
and my eyes are open but this still feels like a dream
and i don't know how to wake up

i have always tasted too much like heartache
******* flooded sense of smell
my heart beats fast for someone so dead inside
chipped teeth form cracked smile
i have never been close to perfect

i'm so used to the withdrawals
they almost taste as sweet as the initial fall

i'm so sick from getting high
or maybe it's because i keep saying i'll get sober

i always taste like rust and blood
because i can never stop biting my lips
or maybe i just forgot myself out in the rain again

i can never stop picking at the skin around my fingernails
how long have i been trying to claw myself out of this body

my lips travel down your neck
there is so much of you that i have not yet met

it's too early in the day to be drinking
but i am trying to find the courage to tell you

there is so much i do not have to offer you
that i am still willing to give

this is for thursday morning
tangled up in bed
we left our clothes on last night
and i was almost high enough
to tell you i love you

this is for burnt wrists
and i know it stings in the shower
sometimes i am too afraid to even hold you
how pathetic

but you still kiss me
like maybe one day
we'll be okay

nightmares
are crawling into bed alone
wrapping my arms around your ghost

i'll hold you until you feel safe
always

my mom won't look at me anymore
says stretched ears is a mutilation she just can't stand to watch
like six years of slit wrists was
she doesn't talk to me most days
and she still doesn't respond when i tell her i love her
but i guess if i had to choose
i would rather be invisible

my dad laughs a lot
but he doesn't look happy
and his breath always smells like bourbon
our house always smells like smoke
and i'm just waiting for it to burn down

my brother thinks he's funny
he laughs just like my dad does
as if these are things to joke about

and everyone says i'm too sensitive
that i can't stand the way a pair of unwanted hands
feels on my skin

and i stopped having ***
when no one stopped when i asked
and i stopped trying to **** myself
when my dad told me i'm the reason he's going to put a bullet in his head
and i stopped putting holes in the wall
when my bedroom started to look too much like me
I tried to patch up the wounds
but you can still see the scars
i stopped drinking
when i couldn't tell myself apart from my dad
and i stopped smoking
after i ran away
and could still smell my house burning down

you're like a drug
no, sweeter
and you never left a bitter taste in the back of my mouth
see, you always pick me up when i've been feeling down
and maybe i'm just hooked on you
you carry me through days i can't even bother standing up to
and i'm only sad when you're not here
ok yeah, i might be hooked on you
but i think that's okay because the worst withdrawals only last a night
and i am that much happier once you're back in my system
i crave the way you taste
and how bad you **** me up
but not as much as i crave waking up beside you
mornings after you are never groggy

you're like a drug
no, better
because you've only ever been good to me
and I don't need ******* to feel invincible anymore
the way you smile at me is enough
and I swear the rush i get when you kiss me
is always going to feel better than crashing
see, the way you touch me drives me crazy
and I have never felt so good

sorry I said you were like a drug
when you are so much better

you always kiss me one of two ways
like the world is ending
like you are hungry for a feeling just out of your reach
or like maybe you could love me
2 you are the only thing i have ever wanted more than getting high
3 i could find you in tears and you would still be more worried about me
4 you do not demand anything from me
you know i take time
and you're willing to wait
5 you always say you’re proud of me
even if it is only for staying alive
6 i am so proud of you for everything
and i am so glad you are alive
7 I want you to know
you don’t owe anyone ****
no matter what they say
8 after everything you still make me nervous
my palms are sweaty and i swear my heart could race right out of my chest
and i have never been happier

i am lost in my own feelings
i want to tell you i love you
but it feels like you're already too busy
being in love with everyone else
how ****** would it sound
if i said maybe
this isn't what you need
i want to make you feel stable
but i think there's something about you that enjoys
going off the deep end
but see, i never learned how to swim

i love you so much
i think i'm drowning