And then I met you,
My ****** Queen

My too sick to sleep
Ode to bad dreams

I swear, ******* NEVER MEANT A THING TO ME
as long as you say you want me too..

and baby I know you  do
you kissed me so sweetly
never left a mark on me

made it easy to convince you weren't nearly as toxic
woke up after every death scene

you changed everything

"our song"

the fragile broken rhythm of an unsteady heart trying to float above 32 bpm
surrounded by all the tangled machines counting how close to death I have strayed
when I stayed on the living room couch for two days
after choking down 26 pills in the shape of my anger

the sound of barely 100 lbs hitting the floor after two too many shots of somehing stronger than your courage
unsuccessful cpr and the way my ribs snap under the weight of our guilt

the silence swimming in the background of your converations with police sirens

the comments on your instagram  of tiny pin ****** securing my hand to yours

have you ever heard it sober?
our song
the sound of razorblades clattering against ******* stained mirrors
shattered from the last time I got high alone
that's seven years of bad luck, you know

and perhaps that's why you had to watch me die four times
and perhaps that's why I had to learn to live alone

we always had fun
throwing darts at each other's backs

trying to make sure
something would stick

and I guess we got comfortable
sneaking out of windows
and
sharing each other's hearts with everyone except
each other?

and who knew that seeing you stripped bare
meant meeting all of your ghosts

I relapsed after our phone call
and like an idiot I split my lip on the razor I used to cut lines

****** IS SO SILLY!
cause you can never tell what it's made of
until you're
c
 r
  a
   s
    h
     i
     n
       g            that's where we have something in common

       d
      o
     w
    n

and I know that it's just the blood in my mouth
that tastes so much like you
because the dope has always been
sweeter

seventy days felt like it could drag on for an eternity
felt like a thousand tiny almosts piled higher than the naked eye can see
felt..impossible

when I wrote about clean time I talked in measures of a few hours

it's been six hours since I held a needle to my wrist
a metaphoric gun to my head

it's been six hours since i felt the empty inside of me vanish

it's been fifteen hours since i woke up dope sick
I sweat through my sheets twice before I get tired of changing them

it's been twenty-four hours since the last time I got high so
I'm clean

Just For Today

Maybe because I'm honest with her

Told her how your fists were sculpted by your father's drug addiction
And the way your mother left him

I tell her about the nights my fingers wrap around the softer parts of you
The way in which I reminded you of the boy who ***** you
So it's no surprise when you finally started fighting back

I tell her what your blood looks like running down the crook of your arm
Or the inside of your thighs

I tell her you could never really love me except from a distance
Because I have always been made from razor blades and ****** needles
Too sharp to touch
Never soft enough to hold

What's it like falling asleep beside a ghost?

because for some reason still unseen to me
conversations with you are still so aggressive
like ripping petals off of a daisy
praying to god this time you'll love me

i made love to you with the lights on and called it a poem

every line was just the way i touched you like you meant something to me
fingertips tracing patterns between your freckles raised by the tiny hills of your cheekbones

how many different ways can i relate you to a flower blooming?
your legs stretching open at the touch of my lips

you can't imagine the way brown eyes look in the light if you haven't seen them for yourself

where it starts
1. your girlfriend will have a miscarriage
for the second time
and you, you'll start using needles
THERE WILL BE NO DIRECT CORRELATION BETWEEN THESE TWO THINGS
but you tell yourself
a daughter is what would make life worth living
and subsequently what it takes to get you sober

2. you lose your job
because you're always in the bathroom missing veins
loss of job will inevitably spiral into an
"intolerable depression"
or
"extended sadness"
or
"whatever version of this is easiest to swallow"

3. you get to spend every holiday from your birthday until The Day She Dies sitting next to your mother's hospital bed
(except for when you're always in the bathroom, missing veiins)

LATER
your sister reassures you that mom didn't know the way you also choked back guilt with all the bile and unpleasant things in your trips to the restroom
but for now you will hate yourself
hate the sticky needles
and hate the way your girlfriend leaves all her ghosts behind when she leaves you

4. you find that bathroom floors are your new home
splayed out after your 8th overdose
jail cells are just a normal tuesday
and you keep waking up to razor blades left neatly on your pillow

where it ends

5. giving up ****** is like pulling teeth
messy and painful but typically necessary
and so hard to do alone

And you don't talk to me like you used to
I wonder if you still write about the boy who ***** you
and do you think that gives Him power or
You?

and you've settled somewhere you feel like you belong
but half of my bed is still in the shape of you so really
what I meant

was when are you coming home
because nothing feels like home when you're gone

the first six months after you was probably the worst time of my life
not just because i was trying to remember how to taste like anything besides you
that was the same time my mother died while i was busy pushing needles into veins and spitting blood from my lips
we ****** in your car anywhere that would make me feel alive
but your bed never felt like home to me
i lied when i said i don"t write about you anymore
but lying belt better than admitting i can feel the way you're missing from my bones
i'm hollow and that's not the same as empty
all my lining's made of your fingerprints
which means i'll always taste like you no matter how many times i rinse my chest out with *****
try to drown the bits of you left growing between my ribs

this last six months
i've seen you three times
twice was behind a double pane glass window
we talked about getting married and running away together
tonight i thought about calling you at least six times
when's the last time you saw me six months sober 180 pounds clean wrists and a smile
never
and how much of this do i owe to you
for leaving me and only coming to remind me what i'm missing
i can feel your fist in my throat begging me not to let small words escape

goodbye i love you and i love the way you taste like cherries
like trying to convince me there's anything sweet about you

I got sober to prove a point
that the only thing that really kept me high was the way you taste at 4 o'clock in the morning
when the sky is darkest and there's no light left in my eyes

I got sober and my PO checks up on me when I don't answer my phone because I still don't show up when I'm supposed to because I'm busy daydreaming about how waking up dead would feel

this is a feeling I thought I had almost forgotten

I haven’t felt this numb in months

this is why i stopped smoking so much

turned to a drug that at least made me feel something

I’m sick of biting my lip until it bleeds

I’m sick of having to remind myself that I am still real

my whole life all i’ve known is silence
shut up. get up.

don’t open your mouth
don’t close your hands

don’t make him think you’re fighting back
don’t you dare fight back

quick tongue don’t mean nothing
‘less ya got hands just as quick

in my house
threats are met by fists

and you can pray all you want
cause in this house
words don’t mean ****

unless you’re soft..

but belts and beatings never hurt as bad
as my daddy sayin’ he’d rather be dead..
than wake up every day with me as his kid

I’ve held a loaded gun to my head

the only reason I didn’t pull that ******* trigger is
I never want my mother to have to see me like that..

sprawled out on the bathroom floor
tiles that use to hurt my head they were so white..
stained red from all the blood

and the scariest part is

not a day has gone by that I don’t regret my choice
because
no matter how good I feel
I always end up wishing I were dead

but I wasn’t brave enough to swallow back the guilt
threw it back up with every overdose

I spent years trying to cut out all the hurt
let it spill from my veins
my wrists will never be empty of scars again

I tied a rope around my neck
thinking I could go quick enough that no one would have to hear my screaming

it left me with burns around my throat
choking back every “I’m dying”
“somebody, help me”

I have held a loaded gun to my head
but I am so scared

I am so scared of losing you that I can’t even **** myself

I am so sick of playing the good guy

of keeping my mouth shut
of checking up on you every ******* time something goes wrong
and wishing you well with a boy I can’t ******* stand
of keeping my problems to myself
of letting you tell me you love me everytime you leave

I ****** you to show you that that’s all you are to me
one night
not even an “I love you”
a “shut the hell up before someone hears you”
a fist around your throat and lips on your inner thigh

it wasn’t even for you
I didn’t care how good it made you feel

I wanted to have some ******* control for once

I am so sick of you leaving hickeys on my neck
of getting me high to show me you still own me
of your fingers in my hair and your nails on my back

you drive me ******* insane
and I am so sick of always coming back to you

and oh ****
but I just wanted you to love me

I never cared about any of it
so long as you were with me

now I wait hours alone
wondering if you’ll even remember my name
when yours has been running through my veins all year

I tried to let you go
opened up my skin to bleed you out
but you’re still the bitter taste in the back of my mouth

I miss you
and oh ****
but I just wanted you to love me

She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I ****** up

Shouldn’t have let go so easy
but no part of this is easy
not for me

I hate you
mirrors were always my worst enemy
makes me have to see me for me

“you look broken without her”
no I’m fine really

I just hate this feeling

She won’t stop yelling at me
keeps telling me
I was right

without her I am nobody
I’m nothing

all the dark without the light

When you asked me not to leave
it sounded more like a plea
tastes desperate like

You couldn’t take someone else walking away
at least with me it wasn’t lead through my brain

I walked

but my feet are tired and there are holes worn in the soles of my shoes
everything feels heavy

it wasn’t just you I was walking away from

it was everyone after you
it was the girl next door who swore she loved me even when I wasn’t ******* her

it was calm voices and steady hands that never tried to hurt me
but I kept walking

now
I don’t know the difference between a loving embrace and a cold fist

you changed me
I am not a calm voice and steady hands

I am a tornado
pushing past everything in my way
sweeping her off her feet just to lay her in the rubble

I am a storm
and the only quiet that comes after
comes after I am dead

When you asked me not to leave you held open the door

and maybe I was the one pleading

like I tried to tell you I could fix it
we could fix it
give me a chance to show you
I know I tasted too desperate
and maybe that’s why you wouldn’t even kiss me goodbye

at nine years old
you don’t really grasp the concept of forever..

that things that are permanent do not leave you

I thought that when I got better
they’d go away

and hell
maybe they will

maybe I just haven’t gotten better yet..

but I’m trying

I've never known anything simpler
Or more complicated than love

It is easy for me to love her when she grinds against my hand
Urging my fingers deeper
Her nails on my back and her breath on my ear

It is easy for me to love her when we are lying on my mattress
Blankets half thrown over us
Pillows scatter the floor
Half asleep it does not take much effort to smile because I can feel her on my chest

It is easy for me to love her when she straddles my lap
When her lips find mine in a frenzy of lust
Or when we are curled up with each other watching the same movie for the sixth time because we were too busy to pay attention for the first five

It is easy for me to love her when it is just us

When I tell my friends about her I have to keep myself from jumping up and down
Have to remember not to mention her name
I don't want her to face the consequences of loving me

It is hard for me to keep my hands to myself
To try not to lean into her kiss
I have to remind myself of who might be watching

It is hard for me not to hold her hand whenever I am close enough to reach her
To call her by her name in front of our parents because baby is the first word to touch my tongue

It is hard to listen to my friends talk about the way they would touch her
I always want to tell them she's mine
But I know she'll always be more than that

It is hard to pretend like I'm not so completely involved
I don't want to make the mistake of ruining what we have
And she deserves something better
I want to give her something better than “friend”

There is no happiness in this situation

In slitting my wrists every night before bed
In wishing I had woken up dead

In pretending like it wasn't all in my head
I know it was all in my head
But I couldn't make the voices stop..

In medical rounds and hospital gowns
In every single missing persons report
And I still haven't been found

In breaking my bones on.. What?
Promises like..forever
Stay with me
Because I can't stand to be alone and I hate being lonely

In chasing down my fears with my favorite *****
In growing up being told I was born to lose.. Everything that I had worked so hard to get so eventually I just quit

In coughing up the pills I begged to stay in my stomach
In spending your life being diagnosed as sick
Diseased messed up in the head

Bipolar schizophrenic OCD
Just take your pick

I can tell you the side effects of every prescription that was supposed to fix me
Only turned me into a zombie

I don't eat..
And either I don't sleep or that's all I do
I don't have any friends outside of school

Can barely leave my room without an anxiety attack
Can't look in the mirror cause all I see is fat

Can't say how I feel cause I sound like a bother
Growing up with a drunk as a father

And a mom who wouldn't leave him despite what you said
The nights he stood by your bed

And spit in your face what a ******* disgrace you grew up to be
I hope you're ******* happy

This Is Where I'm From

I'm from stereo speakers
from Fender and Gibson
I'm from the brick path by the back door
rough and chipped
it felt like it left pieces of itself still embedded in my skin
I'm from the Mantis bush
the old Oak tree
that stood as tall as I dreamed I could
it was no surprise when they cut it down too
I'm from the silent dinners by myself
and hands too small to comfort me
from Sally and Emily and Mac
I'm from the drunks and bipolar

from worthless and disappointment
I'm from sinner
never had a chance because God can't love a queer
I'm from celts and kilts
and a little place in Bexley
Dad's liquor cabinet and too much caffeine
from the chair by my mother’s hospital bed in the cancer ward
the block of metal that makes up my father's knee
I'm from razor blades and gauze wrap
the years I spent trying to cut out the parts of me that wouldn't let me fit in
from the people whose faces I don't recognize
only met them in old photos
I'm from "don't think, know"
a house but it was never a home

my father loves the taste of bourbon

I do not know why
I am too afraid to ask

if it is because the burn it leaves in the back of his throat
and the pit of his stomach
is sweeter than that of his broken body

or if it is because after seven glasses
he forgets his middle name or that
his body is even broken at all

I do not know
I am too afraid to ask

if he is addicted to the alcohol
or just being able to move without wanting to scream in pain

the only nights my father sleeps
are those when he is too intoxicated to even stand

I do not know if he even likes the way it tastes
or if it’s just familiar now but

I have never been more scared than watching my father
stagger up the stairs to our door
and throw himself heavy onto the couch

thinking
what if this time he doesn’t wake up

the world would be a better place if

growing up I didn’t have to fight myself
on whether loving her was worth losing everything else

if it didn’t take years for me to come to terms with it
and finally admit what I was
like being gay is something I should be ashamed of

if I hadn’t got the easy end of it all

if day by day kids weren’t losing their homes
cause daddy didn’t like who
they were bringing home
and

if not every LGBT was a suicide risk
but there isn’t any bliss
in trying to hide your scars

the ones on your arms or
the ones in your heart

cause
not everybody understands
that just because a man loves a man
doesn’t mean that love isn’t anything but pure

the world would be a better place I’m sure

if just because I love a girl
didn’t mean it was the end of the world

winter is coming
and I am lonely
without you in my veins
I am not whole or
happy

winter is coming
and the air is cold
without you in my lungs
I cannot breathe
or smile

winter is coming
and I can’t sleep
my bed is empty
without you in my arms
I do not feel right or
safe

winter is coming
my first winter
since you left me and
my heart feels dead
because
it no longer beats for you

I am the reason you will live forever

this is not an apology

I’m sick of saying “sorry”
when I take my clothes off for you

my body is beautiful
even if you never said so

I’m sick of saying “sorry”
for knocking back the bottles
harder than you knocked me around

this is not an apology

I don’t owe you anything
hell I never did

I’m sick of the sorries
because my lips were too slow
my tongue too fast

my hands never met the speed of your measure
the tick tick tick of your metronome

I’m not sorry for walking away
when this was only ever one sided

this is not an apology

and I am glad you’re gone

I think
trying to imagine

the look on my mother’s face
if she ever found me with a bullet in my head
the gun in my hand
finger on the trigger

is the reason I am trying so hard
to stay

I think
being the reason

someone hurt like that is the only reason I’m still here

but in those moments
I am so lost

it is after the pill bottle is empty
and my wrists are open

that I see my mother’s face in the back of my head

it is after my eyes are closed
and I do not feel

that I remember
that I cannot do this to you

but it is too late
and I am so sorry

I think
hearing my father’s voice crack
as tears flooded his eyes

when he begged me not to do this to myself

is the reason
I came home alive

rather than in a casket

because I am so afraid of what would happen

how a man who already drinks himself to sleep
would cope

with the death of his only daughter

but it is not until
I have already swung from the rope around my neck

that I hear him pleading

but it is too late
and I am so sorry

I think
that even though I feel alone
more days that I can get out of bed

that there are people who love me

people who need me and
I do not want to leave you

but I cannot keep waking up to this

my heart is heavy and
I hurt all over and

I’m tired of begging the world to stop spinning
I am too dizzy to stand here any longer

and it is not until my lungs collapse

that I know I love you

but it is too late
and I am so sorry

this is my formal apology

I never wanted to believe I was in the wrong
like my actions were justified
like what I said was justified..

but as your lover
there are things I should not say
and I am sorry

I am sorry because I know I was the one that drove you away
I am sorry because you looked for love in someone else
and you found it

when you left I thought I would never recover
you are the girl I wanted to marry
and I am the reason you’re gone

I am sorry that I was cruel
I am sorry that some nights I refused to hold you when I know
that’s all you needed

but most of all
I am sorry that I spent months searching for the Exit Signs
because now that I’m out
I only wish I knew how to get back inside

this is my formal apology

I am sorry you regret me
but I understand why

this is not how I want to live
I’m tired of kissing razorblades goodnight
and bottles of ***** good morning

I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror most days
I am not the person I wanted to be

this is not how I want to live
I don’t know if I want to live at all

I’m sick of breaking myself down to try and build others up
my arms are tired and my knuckles bruised
and I don’t want to fight anymore

I’ve been looking for a way out so long that
I don’t even recognize it as a danger
looking down the barrel of a gun

not until I hear it go off

There are few things I really fear in this world

I use to believe that losing you was one of them but
since you left
I have decided that all I am
is not because of some girl

I am sure that one day
you will cease to roam my head and
I will stop writing about you but
until that day
I do not mind keeping you as a reminder

that even though we loved more passionately than the stars loved the night sky
I can live without you

I do not revolve around you
I am my own god and you
are just a girl

I’m sorry I didn’t come see you

I’m sorry I never called
that I didn’t tell you I loved you before you left

I don’t know what I expected when I heard you got sick
but it wasn’t this

I’m sorry I couldn’t come after you died
that I never said goodbye

I’m so sorry

I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to get out of bed
that I couldn’t stop crying long enough to call your wife

to tell her I’m sorry

I’m sorry I got angry every time a stranger
told me they were sorry for my loss

but it hurts so ******* bad


I’m sorry

i think i’m dying
and i don’t know if i should be scared or.. relieved maybe?
i think i’ve been waiting for this to happen
for a long time

it’s terrifying that i really don’t feel anything
i never thought i’d go back to slitting my wrists but i needed to know this was real
i needed to see blood i needed to know that i am real
i don’t know if i’m real and i think that scares me

everything seems.. distant
and i don’t know if it is because i am still so in love with her or
if it is because i swallowed too many pills but
it’s like i can’t quite reach anything

it isn’t empty yet
but i think i am
i’ve felt so empty for so long..
and i use to feel everything

and i don’t know which i prefer
at least now my head is quiet and my heart is soft
my hands still tremble
but i never expected them to stop

i think i am dying

I am a liar
I am a liar for saying I do not love her

but I’d rather be a liar than admit that I am pathetic

I’d rather keep it to myself
how my heart sinks when I see you kiss him
the way you use to kiss me..

I don’t want anyone to know how much it kills me that you do not love me

you never loved me and that is okay
but I wish you hadn’t been such a liar

and I wish that I had never given you everything I had
because I am empty now

I am empty and my heart doesn’t beat how it use to
and most nights it’s hard to breathe

without you
I don’t feel like living

and I hope one day that will change
and I won’t need you anymore

but today I am still praying you will come crawling back to me
so that I can do what I need to

I love you
but you are toxic
and I am sick of drinking poison

I use to love you

you use to smell like cigarettes and cheap beer

but now I’m the one who smells like I’ve been drinking too much
and I’m the one who can’t seem to pick myself up off of the floor

and I’m scared

I’m scared because I haven’t felt this lonely since
you slept beside me

but at least then I had someone to hold

and now I’m clutching my stomach hoping this time

I won’t cry over a girl who doesn’t want me by her side
even though I’m still hoping you’ll come back to bed

my body’s shaking from withdrawal

you were stronger than any drug I’ve ever tasted
more poisonous too

and it’s killing me

I do not love

I don’t even like the girls I sleep with
I just can’t sleep in an empty bed

and I do not miss you
or the way you taste

I’ve long forgotten the smell of your skin
the sound of your voice

I just miss having someone to hold
but I don’t want it to be you
do not come back here

I can’t stand the way your name sounds against my tongue
or the memories I have of you

I do not love

I didn’t even like her
just the way she told me I was better than the boys she ******

I do not love

they didn’t teach me that when I was in school
or how to feel when she leaves you

I had to figure these things out on my own
and I know I’m doing something wrong

but I do not care
I do not
I don’t

I do not love

but if I did
it would not be you

you drive me crazy
and not in a good way

you make my ******* skin crawl

and I’m trying to figure out how
to rip you from my veins

you have always left a sour taste in my mouth
and I am trying to wash you out

but I can’t forget the way you made me bleed
when I begged you

no
it never meant anything to you

that’s why you never stopped
when I begged you

no
please listen

no
she’s just a girl

no
please

no no no..

you drive me crazy
in the “I want to blow my brains out” kind of way

do not touch me again
I can still feel my skin crawl

and I am trying to figure out how
to get rid of you

I know I’m not over her

by the way my breath catches when I see her name
I wonder if she still thinks about me

God, it’s killing me
having to look at her pretend to love everyone but me

I know I’m not over her

because after we ******
a year and a half after she left me
I remember reaching for her at two in the morning

I can still taste her on my lips
hear her moaning my name

****
of all the noise she made that night
it was by far the sexiest thing I had ever heard

I know I’m not over her

when every kiss plays on repeat in the back of my head
and I wake up most morning wishing she were here

and the way she said she loved me..
I know I’m not over her

but I still tell her I am

she used me
she took everything because all I ever did was give

she took parts of me I wish I could take back
like my innocence
every ******* “I love you”

she used me and she ******* left
and when she left I begged her to come back to me
told her she was my everything
“I can’t live without you”

when really
she’s just another girl
who didn’t listen the first time I said no
so I just stopped talking

she’s gone because there was nothing left to take

good

go **** some other poor helpless kid
who made the mistake of thinking you were made of stars

I can live without you

watch me.

you say “I love you” and swear you mean it

but you don’t
how could you?

when you can’t even love yourself

this is not what I wanted

but god I missed the taste of your lips
the way a ship misses the shore

I missed your breath on my neck
more than fallen stars miss the night sky

and the way you wrapped your arms around me..
like I was something you didn’t want to let go..

this is not what I wanted
( I want you )

if you drink enough ***** it tastes like

regret

like all the nights you spent bent over the bathroom sink
tears running down your face when you can’t seem to catch your breath

like rust and blood and bile in the back of your throat
razors on the counter and a half cocked gun in your hand

like not sleeping because you’re too busy screaming at the sky
begging the moon to bring her back

like breaking bones on promises like “forever”
tearing open your chest searching for some part of you she might’ve left
but finding nothing

if you drink enough ***** it will not taste like love
and it certainly will not taste like her

I wonder if we kissed..
would you still taste like menthol cigarettes
and cheap beer
and cheetos

****
would you still taste like me..

god I wish I knew
so I could stop torturing myself
wondering if you still taste like your promises

like “forever”
“run away with me”
“I love you”

I love you..
I love you
I love you
I love you

and no one else
I don’t know how to taste like anything but you

please
I just want to kiss you

my mom asks me how I’m doing
I smile and tell her I’m happy

but every time I see my doctor
I tell him
I want to die

I’m at 1800 mg now

just to try and keep from rocking the boat hard enough
to flip me into the water

but I do not need oceans to drown me
I just need to hear you say that you still love me

let me choke on all the reasons you left
why didn’t you stay?

you deserve someone who kisses you like they want to fall in love
not like they just want to ****

that’s my problem
I always wanted to fall in love
it looked so beautiful
the way the other poets wrote it
and just thinking of what you tasted like ..sober
but I’ve tasted you with shots of brandy
you do not taste as sweet as your promises
****
the brandy burned sweeter than you
I wanted to feel you on me
hear “I love your lips on my hips
the way your fingertips knew exactly where to go
like following the edges of a map”
but not “I love you”
the thing I so often heard
and heard myself say

you are more toxic
than the drinks I use to
chase you down

I just want to ****
I just want to ****
I just want to-
******* look so beautiful tonight
not nearly as poisonous
and even your “**** me” didn’t taste as bitter

when you left
I took it with shots of brandy
it didn’t sting like your hand against my cheek
and it felt warmer than you ever did
emptied the bottle into tall glasses
tall like you
I always wondered what you tasted like
sober
maybe like you wanted to fall in love
but your brandy lips sounded like you just wanted to ****

I started drinking again

but I never get the urge to call you
and beg you to come back to me

maybe because I don’t miss you anymore

I only think it’s surprising because
when we used to get drunk together

you begged me for love
but not the kind I asked in return

you only ever told me you loved the way I touched you
how I made you feel good

I asked you to love me at one in the morning when I could not feel your arms around me
or hear your heart beat next to mine
asked you to promise to be here when I woke up

I got used to hungover mornings without you
and I think that’s why I don’t reach for you

I wanted to tell you I still love you
but I don’t know if I ever did

I started drinking again
and I haven’t even texted you

I don’t want you to come back
and I’m okay with that

I was drunk the first time a girl kissed me

I wish I had been sober so I could remember it better

we were on the bed
she held my hands down above my head
I pretended to struggle

I didn’t want to seem too eager

she leaned down
and I swear

in that second before our lips met
every part of me came alive
I felt fire burning through my veins

and god
I’d never known anything better

I’m afraid

I’m afraid that kissing in the back corner of the kitchen where your family can’t see us
will leave desire somewhere in my bones
too deep
for me to claw away

I’m afraid that I was never in love with you at all
and that I just liked the feeling of your teeth against my neck

I’m afraid that I only want you the way everyone else does
even though I always swore
I adore you for more than just the way your skin feels under my palms

I’m afraid that when the bruises you left fade
I will ask you to leave more
at least I’ll have proof you were here

I’m afraid that if I hear you breathlessly asking my name
I will completely lose myself in you

I’m afraid because I do not have the self control to stop from wanting you

I like to pretend like three days sober
means I’m getting better
but

I’ve still got battlefields played out on my wrists

and just because my veins aren’t pumping liquor tonight
doesn’t mean those half empty bottles aren’t staring me in the face

and I can hear that rusty pipe calling out my name
like you and I both know
I can stop the bleeding for a few hits of the good stuff

and maybe then I won’t feel
the nasty bite as I claw through flesh

too many Oxy and I might lose my ****
literally


three days sober like I’m getting better
but when my head’s not swimming through alcohol dreams

I’ve just found another way to **** me