let me feel
such a troublesome devotion

live a life so pure
no need for regrets
when I am with you

You're living in a part of this heart
like a cassette I can't record over
like a tattoo I cannot remove
I'm like new. Changed, gone...
and these eyes have caught another.

I would rather be ignored than lied to
they say they can see me
believing in stone cold sympathy
but their hearts house the darkest parts of regret
their eyes are pools red from envy.
maybe my soul longs to be lonely
maybe I'm only me when I'm free
and how am I going to love someone else?
you've squeezed out the lasting few bits of my heart
till it dried into slivers
and I can't stray away from harsh thoughts
and I'm left to leave home almost dead
you should have shown me your happier hopes
instead of the fear, and the rage, and the dread.

May your blood water this earth
In the holy breaches of the sea
May your breath take the life out of me
In sorrow you disguised a feeling
So far out of reach, abandoned in disbelief
Before you adorned me in love and emotion
The fall was a staple among our hopeless trials
Jewels and scepter
My crown glitters gold
Tell me the stories, of us growing old
I wish I could say that you needed me
Wish I could ever care
But with my frail little body,
I'm nailed to this wall
Your words mean nothing, anymore, not at all
A shadow of remnants
Bound into you
Holy, still

Come to me, in the dark hours of the cold morning. Let me show you how beautiful it all can be, the watercolor masterpiece of brilliant sunlight raining down on us. I'll take you to the old church ridden with memories and the souls of the saved. We can crawl through the doors and play in the wet vines that dangle from fallen rafters. We can talk of the chores and sway 'cause the wine has tangled us all in the trapped church. Come to me, on the streets of the lost, among houses, not homes. Tell me the things that you thought would've hurt me when I was yours. We'll dance through the pain and talk about together for never, praying on beads that were blessed like a treasure.

falling, I can feel it . . .
building up in a delayed type of motion

like a house filling slowly with strong gasoline
watch yourself, when you finger the flame
and the place is ablaze in seconds

awaiting the tipping point in uneasy distress
to push me over the edge, just barely
and experience a crash landing like never before

I'm a senseless fool for you,
not because of what I do, or have done, or will
but you, revealing all these forgotten truths
to uncover things I never knew I wanted

like involuntarily pressing on the gas pedal
and your foot won't seem to let up
a dynamic weight that is out of control
dancing down a dicey avenue

sooner or later I know you will say
something to cause a change in the way
I view myself, a delegation by the highest power

. . . seep lento, my dearest friend . . .

your discouragement has brought you to me
while I'm lying asleep in confusion
. . . euphoria,
enveloped by rash dissonance and heavy heartbeats

it's senseless! irrational!
and I labored so willingly to avoid this fate!
escape, I can't, not now, you see . . .
you're too attached, you know too much
fall into me . . .

the timely contraption calls in beckoning fashion
it ticks in a mimicking manner as if to laugh
at the sudden second thought and malevolent misfortune
of finding true love in a small bathroom stall

oh well, I am unable to dwell
hoping to progress with as little tenderness as needed
have a nice day! positive thoughts!
all up until you are mine and beyond
we'll fall freely

we were strings of light, glittering and sparkling and blinding the eyes of the ones on the outside
strung up together, side by side
we were gusts of air, breathing the same breath
flying over every beautiful place we could see
we drew faces in the mud
I had so much fun
we were large strokes of blue paint,
swirling around each other until we touched, bleeding into the page as one
we were canopies of insecurities
covering each other and hiding embarrassment
i'm ashamed of what we have become

stung, yet sprinkled, with crystalized particles
embarrassed to look up from my lap
a silent snicker, a squeeze of the knee
willingly sacrificing composure for adventure
run away with the secret!
hide it somewhere good!
lie to them, seek a personal advantage
pathetic and malicious
but abruptly amusing anyways
during the year final to this experience
to have this welcoming security
and excitement mistaken for anxiety
I cannot express my gratitude
I cannot explain how lucky I am

sometimes I feel like my heart is too heavy for my friends.
and they'll share with me their worries, their mistakes and their regrets.
and all I can feel is a weight that pulls on my chest,
unsure of whether sincerity overrides a word of encouragement,
for their sorrowful and underdeveloped conscience.
would I be better off if I pretend,
do you think?
if instead of sinking softly into my own skin,
I laugh and complain and play the part of a woman?
sometimes I feel like I am a separate species.
a societal defect placed among faces of similar prose and behavior.
is it possible that my worth is immeasurable in this small town?
that in another environment, much more simple than this, like a vast plain filled with opportunity and potential for deliberateness, I could thrive off of the thoughts my own brain creates?
somewhere where I wouldn't relate to anyone anyways, but it wouldn't matter, because there wouldn't be anyone else around.
I work hard to avoid indulgence in senseless behaviors.
I once thought about carrying around a tape recorder throughout my day,
just to prove the meaninglessness of the conversations I am trapped into overhearing.
and maybe then I could finally find someone,
to understand these selfish urges that wash over me to abandon all the people I hold closest to me and start fresh.
I don't know where this longing for a partner comes from, as I have always been more on the introverted side, never taking seriously my disappointment when a friendship fails.
after all, I have myself to handle.
most days, my heavy conscience is enough to bear, and I treasure the fact that it is my burden.
a burden is a bit harsh, I admit. my conscience is like an animal, something to train and teach how to properly react to various stimuli.
the difficulty comes with my uncertainty in these areas,
as even I do not truly know what is best for me.
this world can be lonely,
disappointing and it leaves me confused.
sometimes I accept that only I will be able to fully decipher the scenarios and fleeting thoughts that run through my head.
and the loneliness slips by,
and I'll remember that I am my own species,
unable and unwilling to adhere to the desires of this small town and all of it's superficial faces,
because in the end, there is me, and there is only me.
and I will always be the only person who is really there for me.

the sun came out but his face was cooled
caught beneath a heap of distressing particles
so sweet, the song of glory

under a shadow of failed hidden trials
when the clock skipped its strike
he knew he'd been left for dead
ghastly and swelled up in a cold sphere
roll the windows down, air it out, dear
staying secluded, it's just for the game
they'll run off without him

time has taken too long to bring him home
so vicious, the uncontrollable entities
how lovely to become so powerful
forced to break habit, but not with ease

to tease and to taunt
another reckless man home
this time, a sculptor
disregard all consciences that tell you to refrain
how bold, to take a leap
instantly under attack

people and their ideas
they write about them
they write like these ideas are so important
but the truth is that people write because they think they're different
revolutionary
we know you don't care about your life's work
it's alright,
all your wasted time.
I'm just glad it was you and not me
because you think you're the only one
who said the end could be more
than decaying, corruption, and fear
you say what it is and isn't,
what the hell it should be
what the hell HELL should mean
death comes for us all sonny
and your ideas will die
with your body
but does the soul live on?
maybe write about that. BOOM

and if you begin
to hold me each day
God bless your delusional self
I couldn't bear another way
this game that we're playing
seems more like a sin
undeniably bitter when they're
watching us play
I'm not selfish, just confident
in the wavering certainty
and someday we'll come clean
confess every lie
unless time slips away, and this
connection starts to die
no one ever suspected
no one had a clue
and now they'll never hear
the sweet story of me and you.

color shifting galaxy, and I'm ever confused
going against the grain to prove
my mind can withstand the strain
trying new things while trusting this driver
awaited! too crowded for me!
feeling obnoxious and greedy and stuck . . .
but that's not what they tell me

they say I'm in love
that I overflow with passion
the little love bugs that dance around inside
but how can that be, when I can't feel my feet?
when my legs underneath
don't align with my mind?
and the sound of my voice comes from three levels deep?
I'll tag along one more selfish time
they're on to me - gonna figure me out
and all along I've stayed hidden

my face is covered in glitters of green
pinned all our problems on a promising poser, perhaps
somebody died but we don't know who
finding security in each other
a secret hideaway where we can waste away
surrounded by friends who are eager to see you fall

leaving on a sunny morning
as the people arrive
I'm out of the drive

overwhelmed and under pressure
heels overlooking a fence on the border
behind an alibi

starting fresh for the thousandth time
how could this be life-changing?
continuing the search
mastering the art of restart
no one can hold you down
or let you fly,
better than I can, my lovely

just one! I promise I'll stop!
ruining lives one voice at a time
starving for a fun night
where did my mind go?
where did the sense go?
why did my love leave,
and now how can I show?

tip toes outside my door
sensing movement
a single breath, at best

I'll meet you on the other side
where the sun never rises
and the boys never cry
I'll be there at dusk to say
things you'll forget the next day

to a place where blue is the only color
and you're always ready for another
where drinks are spilled
and love is pills

skimming a surface with help from the fortunate
along the lines of doubt I walk
settling for something, unsure of the outcome
when all is said and done, we're one

read yourself into a mood
of glory and pain, it's all the same
closed off and solitarily occupied
by the mouth of a thief, hollow and daunting

arisen like a storm
weighted by the sound
of your keys hitting the ground
with the lonely I take refuge