breath looms in an airless space

the possible trace of us

i spin in whirling cycles, trying not to let my thoughts overtake me / wishing the sadness could last a little longer / trying to sleep.

it has been so long since i have experienced debilitating pain

even when his whispers linger in threatening taunts
even when i forget my own name

let this happiness be eternal
like an elixir of life, fueling
like i always used to feel
where did the misery come from?

romantic projections. idealizing self-harm. keeping balloons here with me, on the ground, instead of letting them float away. i am not who i always was. i stagger and side-step on tops of beams of certainties. keep things too close to me. document every feeling. hold on to the pain. nurture the sadness

i am getting quite bored now, goodbye

secret refrigerator passageways leading, through narrow crawls, into over-sized bedrooms for children.. with fluffy walls.

to think of an artful life never reaching its full potential.

in my youth, I reminisced about the life I led years prior.
now, I reminisce about my youth.

days pass. mind blurs. thresholds disappear and my hometown now feels like a distant dream.

in this water, nothing flows.
around these parts, the shallow winds carry traces of me.

i don't want to stay behind. it's too cold back here, by myself.
i don't want to wait up. it's late and i am growing more tired by the passing minute.

behind these walls, boxes of memories i have hidden from you.
maybe i hid them from myself. either way, let's not look.

like a cup of coffee, still too hot to take a sip,
like a familiar song playing in an unfamiliar place,
like when they make an unexpected concession for you
just because they knew you'd be pleasantly surprised. full.  
it feels... well, you know.

i will come back here for you
even if the sea disappears
i'll find you there in the dream-scape

he once said
in chair swivel dizzies
that this world was made for me
and that i wear it well

star-glittered floor
glitter-glimmers in setting cement
maintaining illusions
weighing the full commitment
current-whirling eyes
refrain. continue diffracting. sleep in soft beds. study. rescind.

you have really gone and done it, now.
is this not what you wanted?
am i not who you molded me into?
there i am, in the reflection of your bed frame.
there you are, sitting on your bed.
here we are, studying each other.
rescinding into our separate... rash follies.
our derangements match on a similar-but-different level.

cheers, together, we ruined lives
care if i take a seat?
i try so HARD to break from the HABITS THAT RUIN ME!
where do they go when i expel them?
into the air, to float up to space? do the aliens bite the insides of their cheeks, too?
or into the sea, so the critters & corals can get high, like I used to?
maybe they will crawl into the ears of my neighbors, so Tab can have "The Rug" stuck in her head all day, too.

well, well, well. here we are, in this space, together.
on the one hand, but oh... oh, on the other hand.
sign out. do me a favor, reversing your trail.
who am i to judge?
who am I to wonder.

fast asleep, you are, my love.
oh, how i wish i was sleeping next to you.
cradled in your bear's embrace.

i'll be here waiting when you fall down.

right where I am supposed to be
aligned. in communication with the non-physical
connected from the heart
I am POUNDING ALOUD. SCREAMING OUT.
I'm overcome, and made still.
I'm filled, and overflowed.

reflections of street lamps on the water


the tangled seaweed below this wooden dock


I am comfortable with the distance...


but under the surface, I am lightly holding out for you

Keeping careful distance, I uphold the illusion of safety
Sleeping Monster
Capable of Destruction
Prone to Obsession
Let us close this window of opportunity
Even so, there is no hope for my own distractions
I've mastered the Indulgence of You
Each button pressed
Each obsessive dive
You immerse. You crack. You crumble.
I can't always expect people to be as delusional as I am
Normal Mask
Explaining would seem redundant
But let's discover your more vapid, swanky, decaying quirks
I'll use them to write stories about you

I like how you evaporate into the atmosphere
Hard lines become soft
My head falls back
     and I laugh
Reminds me of grade school,
Falling asleep in class

And when my eyes fall on you,
I like how the yellow glow snakes around
the outline of your body
Like a trail of fairy dust
     or neon toxic waste

as I dug deep into the frozen ground,
I found a little memory that we buried
back when we were in love
as I stare at your face, I can't help but question it
it seems too impractical, even to ask
but have you always looked that way, or do my eyes deceive me?
have those eyes, so vibrant and bright, always held such looks,
like you are a blink and a half away from insanity...
tell me if I'm crazy, but
those dark spots on your skin, have you always had them? or did they suddenly appear the moment you rose from the grave?
a romantic conspiracy, blinded by the passionate longing
I'm sorry I never noticed the smaller parts of you
and my sincerest apologies for harping on and on...
simply, even the newest parts of you are buried in my memories.

fell apart too early for my little heart
lost in you, I let go of the dream to understand myself
or maybe I was simply misguided
either way, the black sun will shine on
the green grass will still keep on growing
and music stopped sounding good to me
so I resorted to spoken words
is that me? I don't think that's me. but was THAT me?
here's a consolation, dear friend
I am everything, just as I used to be
and I will always be everything, forever
and nothing I've done can take away from the Self
nothing that has been done to me can dampen the truest nature.
rest easy, don't scream
and keep on growing, still

believe him when he says
I will always take care of you
because even if he fails you
at least you'll be devastated
at least you'll feel something

abrupt in her silences
hesitant in the important moments in life
he fell apart at the sight of her
she cried and ran the other way
fueled by fire, stigmatized
carrying her to the sidelines
we all need something,
sometimes we take what was never meant for us.

where do I draw the line between
surface level, go-with-the-flow, blind acceptance and
deep, deep pain and resentment with the past?
push forward, become a better version of you,
turn my head back and remember where I came from
all the souls who have guided me on this symbolic journey
instilling the values and preferences today I hold dear
who to confront, when life gets too low, the days
I wished I could run from myself and go
how do I differentiate past misery from present contentment?
the joy I feel in my life, like it's all finally coming together
exactly... the way... I always expected it to.
between....
the passion and the hunger for more, the idea that the future awaited me in all walks of my life
the brutal romance, all of those satisfying dichotomies.
I am a creature of contradictory sorts,
and when I remember just this,
it's a hurt like no other.

in a pinch with the evil ones
I've never fled so fleetingly
give me one small reason to stay
and I promise I'll make it all up to you someday
this traction and force, stomping softly on my heart
day after day, wind after wind, when
everything purple and pink turns gray
fall into the pattern,
awaken your aggression,
mix pleasure with passion,
not so much flattered.

my honey, where'd you go?
I never could have known
and might I just say, just one sorry little pry,
would it have been better to lie?
in that faint yellow dress, tassel necklace, look your best
and you rest, shirt is pressed, but your faded green tie...
it reminds me of the greed, that little twinkle in your eye
honey, honey, where'd you go this time?
time again, hone your skills, just to have a good time
drive your car, hands up high
you are looking very sly, my little mystery boy in that sleek black tie...
I'm your girl, hair in curls, plum dress draped along my sides
we never stuttered, we just dove in with closed eyes
you and I, rocking chair silences, we cannot lie to each other
between these honey-flavored cherries and your big blue eyes
honey, honey, where'd you fly to this time?
honey, where'd you go?

who I once was
she seems to miss the new me
long before the now me ever came to be
in her sadness and suffering, she sees
the whispering promise from me
love the earth, leave it be
leave all your pain behind us
glance towards me, I'm bright like the sun
remember the souls you've adopted,
and take the good parts with you.
anything else, well, it's not for us anyways.

how do I see?
I'm free,
I'm free,
how shall I proceed?
I'm in deep, I'm in deep
how many letters would you read?
too many apologies
all of my apologies
did you ever really care about me?
let me think,
let me think,
I can't say right now,
I can't ever say.

and to think
on one side, pure infatuation
but more, real love, deep, dark, painful love
genuine care and heart-sinking worry
on another, carefully timed and rehearsed
seducing on the outside, scheming on the inside
with a need to hurt the other person...

how blind was I to you

I'll say I wanted to be

you saw my color blue

when I thought I was shining

just like a movie on the screen,

my love for you just reflected what I wanted to love in me.

and realizing that,

I'm finally free.

I've been a fleeting passerby
an image on the street
a sideways glimpse, no promise
you'll see this face again
I've been a falling leaf
floating far away
without direction, pleads
only to see the light of day
I've been a piece of broken sky
shattered and removed
picked apart, looked through, and
I've been feeling used
I've been an empty storyline
no past to say I've seen it all
no future to realign

recently
not so much recently, more for a while
i seem to carry the weight of you
a weight i'd always try to keep from you
the simple and painful longing for an ending ever less tragic than ours
your good is always resting in my heart
a voice that could lull me to sleep in a beat
but i'm not allowed to speak romantically of you, anymore

you don't know this
i've kept it a secret
but i'm still with you,
you just never knew it.
when i'm alone, i dream us together
eyes closed, hands on my face,
holding each other so dearly.
i wish you could hear the music we make
all the duets i've created
oh, how our voices blend together so seamlessly...
i've told you things i'd never reveal
if you were standing in front of me,
if my image of you were real.
i hope you're never lonely,
but if you begin to feel you are,
simply dream me up and hold my hand,
for i am never truly far.

bring me to the water
drape your blanket over my shoulder
tell me how you love me
tell me how you're sure
bring me to the altar
light the candle of eternity for me
tell her how you're healing
tell her to be free
bring me to the coffin
lay next to me, in sinful remorse
tell me of your cruelties
tell me I'll be saved

angel of death, of deception, and time:
have you ever questioned your own mind?
have you rested in the gaps between your speech?
unwoven a ******* tangle of thoughts
to look for the special one
we seem to have forgotten?

that night, we smelled of cigarettes and incense
comfortable in last night's clothes
tied around each other like twine

like a sudden flame
born of like ember wood
emerging from twin winds
something dead becomes alive again.
__________

I can feel your blood running through me when you get angry, wherever you may be

I think your eyes lie in my head
I think we may have morphed
melted together in heat
but I don't feel any different

do you?

a confident woman is only perceived as conceited by the insecure.

come with me,
together we'll run out the help

i'll put it all on myself
and we'll suffer long days together

we must make them want to leave
manipulate them into a shameful retreat

it's no coincidence that we coincide
lost in this tunnel of reality
when we'd much rather be
hanging from a tree
no   space   between you and me

there's a recipe for my love
it's not hard to memorize

build me up
let me down
come around,
adjust my crown.
put on some coffee
and take me outside
for our third cigarette break today.
bathe in the shame
until I say it's okay to come out.

when your face turns red,
i'll hold your head
and soften the blows
in a second.

when my brain leaks emotion,
you'll be my distraction
attentive yet reluctant and kind.

accepting the mystery of our own existence
there's nothing to prove
we'll find our own groove
just rest in me,
and i'll always help you

i thought maybe the drugs would inspire me
but instead i think i'm just getting dumber

caught in a loop
I once was naive
healthy and happy
incapable of being deceived
but how can this world
turn colors and shapes?
how can the earth
seem to be erased?
how can the time
pass without care?
and I wouldn't dare
to keep track.
the questions that **** me
the ones that sting deep
are those of existence
and pressure, and soul
for how can everything that defines me,
the entirety of my soul,
the vastness of my being be confined?
I'm stuck in this body,
I'm no more than a beating heart.
how can I explain that to people?
so I lay here,
under the light of an eight-ray moon,
which glitters and sparkles,
challenging the sun.
i think of the leaves
on the tree in the woods
how they weren't dead, but dying...
not green yet not entirely black...
and it filled me with grief.
why can't this beauty last forever?
why am I contained in this temporary body,
with feelings and problems and false obligations?
wishing the tree's would carry me away
I mourn the temporality of appreciation
eternally

i'll quit you someday,
like the light of a last cigarette
like the stop of the high before it hits
i will give up what i've given to you
you're no longer special to me,
not special like a drink today
i'll lose you if love hits too hard
to me you can matter no more
so like an old record,
that I need no more,
i'll offer you up
i'll walk out the door
because you're just another thing
I'm going to have to give up

i can't express in words
what i feel when the sun wakes me up
and i am left in silence, to weep, to be real
i can't think of a good way to say
how i long for an end to each day
to lie in the grass,
cup hot in my hand,
and love far on a whim out at bay
be real to me, darling
i want nothing more
than to sing, to move slowly, to dance in the leaves
something more than a star-glittered floor
and water to bathe in, just warm
i want nothing more than this feeling down deep
in a spot where we keep
the mind-kids, the memories, and every thought lost
secrets leak

and with one look,

he stole the youth right from my eyes.

come to me,
let our bodies touch each other
under green light and happy haze
like a firework of epiphanies exploding for us

look into my eyes,
and you'll never look away
beg for a small taste
maybe later, I'll say

let the blankets that hug you
wrap around me, too
let the music fill your head
not with worries, drama, apathy
but pretty pictures instead

let your flesh bleed into mine,
like a lover in repose
I'll bathe in your love until I drown
"higher than a *******,
dreaming of you as my lover"
so our song goes

this is exactly where I am supposed to be,
in arms of the people who love me
it's where I was always meant to end up
and it took me this long to realize

acknowledging superiority with a peculiar sense of awe
so that you can rest totally in very simple things
cracks are appearing, you're under pressure
with bad humor, you made the deepest mark

You are just another thing that I have to quit

you caught me in the garden of earthly delights
do my words hurt you?
do I make your ears bleed?
well, pleasure is fragile as glass, my friend
cut me, hold me, gut me, woo me

I dreamt before dawn
that I was alive in the drug
and it saddened you
it saddened me, too

a needle through the flesh
just the peak of fascination

Why am I angry?
(if she's good to you)
You said you'd watch over me
Now I'm watching you watch her
Pulling beauty out of the boring
I'll turn into you, babe
I'll turn into you
I think I broke God's heart
I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to mend it
Get out of your house
Fall back into my arms
I believe that you love me
Why else would you leave?

I'm ready to put you to sleep,
to close the casket and send you far down.
I'm feeling the effects of a love deeply lost
and my body rejects it.
I'm over the sadness that binds me together
and holds my head underwater.
As vibrantly as my heart beats for you,
and as obvious as the message of the stars,
as hopeful as you made me in times of hurt,
and as heated as the tears you cried for me,
so is the love I let float.
I'm over the hill, in clothes of my own,
in a head occupied by nothing but selfishness -
the good kind -
the kind of selfishness that makes you eager to wake up and create, to experiment, to learn and to live.
The mirror beckons me, hiding the knife in my back, and the scars on my body, and the gleam in my eye that was so delicately placed by you.
It shows me a glimpse of who I could become.
More powerful than your hold.
More loving than a lie.
More impactful than the dead-end dreams that glittered my life before.
More motivated than the girl who spent months alone, barely sober, chained to a passerby -
Too lost to respect herself.
In a sea, she was a floating flower,
Too high to feel anything.
And the more I learn, the more afraid I become for that naive girl who fell victim to a fantasy.
The devil may fly with angelic wings, but he will never catch me.

How terrible a feeling, but I can’t feel those pesky emotions! I have found a way around you devils, a shorter path, a detour. May be the cause of self-destructive behaviors? Please. All I’ve got may not be worth the chase, may be better if I strangled with lace? No, stop those thoughts, because sometimes the emotion knocks so hard that it reverberates into your brain, over and over, all day. It could possess the power to break the shield of your one last chance at your cheat, and then what will you do?

my lungs hurt when i sing
oh, my lungs burn when i sing
is that a sign?
i think you’ll be able to tell me
the issues that boggle my mind
the cars cant stop me now
and the busses passing by
i found a new way to breathe

I hope to God that you have a greater plan.