this is the first outing since you

Since "we" became and "you" and "I"

And I was terrified

But, it went alright.

Butterflies formed in my gut

But, not the kind you used to give

A different kind

A new kind

A kind that I could get used to.

I watched his face as he talked

I observed his mannerisms

And probably looked like a creep

But, for an instance, I could not recall yours.

We watched a movie and he laughed

A loud laugh that was contagious

A deep, full laugh

That was so different from what I've heard before.

I was awkward

And he was nice

We talked

And it was nice.

I apologized for being awkward

He said it was alright

He asked what I'm writing

I said "Nothing special"

I think I lied.

Not that I'm in love

But, now a bit less afraid

Like a weight lifted

Who knew fear weighed so much?

So what am I writing?

Just jotting down some thoughts

...Possibly

But...nothing special?

I might have lied.

When I cry
I let my tears fall to the floor
The tears I used to dry
They aren't mine
But, alas, they are mine to dry.

The sleepless nights
They are countless and growing
Those nights are not mine
But, alas, I am the one awake
My body is the one begging for sleep.

I am mine
Because you never were
And I never was
I am mine and that is how it shall stay
I am mine forevermore
Until the end of time
I will be mine
Until my bones grow weak
And my skin grows cold
This heart will always be mine.

My heart
My heart is mine and will only beat for me
Because when  you let it beat for someone else
That's when the tears are not yours
And that's when the sleepless hours become nights and days
And there's no willing them away
My heart has beaten my skin to the punch
Seemingly cold and motionless
My heart sits in my chest
What once used to ache for you
Now beats for no one
And hurts for no one
An impenetrable fortress of cold, hard ice
That I hope, for your sake, never gets melted
Because that's when your tears will start
And the sleepless hours will become nights
And you will be as cold as I.

I have so much love to give
What is this life
If I cannot share it with someone
What is this life
If all of this love I have
Is all wasted just on little old me.

In this life passion is the why
And you are the how
But who are you
And how can I life this life
Without you by my side?

I miss making dinner and the late night tickle fights
More than that I miss the intimacy
I miss the foot rubs after a day at work
I miss the way you're a dork
I miss loving someone.

I am meant to love
I meant to give it up
But then I relapsed and fell
It was then I realized that I'm miserable
Without this funny thing called "love".

Now society tells me to be a strong woman
But, who says I can't be strong
Along with someone
Be stronger together
Ordinary apart, extraordinary together
That is way I want
But, it is too much to ask.

So I'll have all of this love to give
And just wait for the next who is worth of it.

Too many front row seats at funerals
Too many tears shed over bodies
Too many cold hands help in hopes to feel warmth
Too many goodbyes that can't be helped.

It's a sad day when there are too many
When siblings realize
And kin begin to visualize
A day without their mother
A day without their brother
Too many, I say
Too many.

Too many sorrow and not enough joys
It seems, these days are numbered
Numbered and riddled with sadness
With the occasional laugh and smile
It seems, at least these days...
There are too many.

I fall in and out of reality
Every day could be a different dimension
Depending on my mind
And what it chooses to hide in illusion.

Back to basics
It's where we all need to go
Go back to home
And remember how it all started
When you hit that wall
Come crawling home
Because that's where the heart is
Because that's where you left yourself
All those many years ago.

You left to go search for yourself
But, you were unaware you were always right there
Just behind you
Disappearing when you turn around
Eluding you
As stealthy as a ninja in the shadows
You left to learn how to find yourself
And now you can
After years of searching
You're ready.

It's the hardships
That make us stronger
And make us appreciate
The times when you don't need to be strong
And all of those hardships...
Disappear
Like they never even happened at all
No memory at all
Of those things that made you so strong
But, those times when the front comes down
That facade drops
And it's just you
You and that person
The walls come down and you're real again
But, just at that point
Of comfort and happiness
That's when shots will be fired
And without walls how can you protect yourself?

Strapless and lace
That's what I thought it'd be
It wasn't just a dream
I really thought that was me
With the done up hair
With a bouquet of roses
I thought that was me.

White picket fences
Children in the yard
Cooking breakfast and dinner
For all of us, three
With that picture perfect life
I thought that was me.

But, forget about that
I remind you of the wedding dress
That I won't be able to wear
Because it has your name on it
The wedding dress
The engagement that could never be salvaged
Not that I want it...anymore
It's just a pity
That poor wedding dress
Will never be worn
Because it's meant for me
But, still has your name on it.

Only when I think about it
Does my stomach drop
Along with my heart
Which ends up on the ground
Because I can remember the sound
Of your voice.

Only when I think about it
Do my hands begin to shake
And I have to will them to be still
Because you were the one who held them still
When I couldn't do it on my own
Like right now.

Only when I think about it
Do the tears start to fall
While sitting in the library
In the middle of classes
Trying to stifle the cries
Like right now.

Only when I think about it
Do I see you and what we were
Only then does my heart sink
My hands shake
And the tears fall
Only when I think about it
Which happens to be all the time.

Maybe we were delusional
Everyone knows we were a little dumb
But, I'd do it all again
And I still wish you the best of luck
There's only one stipulation
Which I know that you won't mind
There will never be a final goodbye
At any time for you and I
You told me I'd see the coast
And I'm gonna hold you to it
Because I knew we both meant forever
But, the times just weren't right
Two different places and two different people
Found each other at the wrong place and the wrong time
But, it was the perfect time
A time to show hope and bring some smiles
Because we were both in dire need
And now I guess our time is done
But, it was sure fun while it lasted.

With the flash of a smile
The sly, cunning smile
And just one spoken word
In that smooth baritone timbre
He'll have you at his knees
Waiting for you to wash his feet
The great betrayer
The liar of liars
But, the one so close
To whom he hides the most
Will never see the twisted side
Of the husband to be
Because under his spell
She is blind to it all
She sees the smiles and the words
Spoken only to her.

A sin of God
One can only imagine
What one so deviant
Thinks of himself
What a silly notion
It might have remorse
Maybe a conscience underneath all the dirt
One would have to dig deep
Because no one has been there before
Some even wonder if it's there at all.

At times I feel so tiny
My 260 lbs, 5'11 frame feels so small
That I could fit into your pocket
Or possibly just the palm of your hand
For you to carry me around and hold me safe.

At times I feel so small and feeble
That with my next step I will trip and stumble
Under the weight of the air around me
Claustrophobic but, wanting nothing more
Than to be wrapped tightly in a blanket
With a comforting arm around me
To make me warm again
And maybe make me feel something other than the air around me.

Tiny like a fawn pitted against an 18 wheeler truck
Just standing there, wide-eyed, knowing what will happen
But, paralyzed with fear
Because that fawn has never seen anything so menacing
With bright white eyes piercing the dark and cold metal waiting to hit
But, still, too scared to make a move.

At times I feel so tiny
But, I'm so big.

The only thing holding us together
Is each other.

The hope that you'll be there when the day ends
To hold and to kiss until the world ends.

The hope that after the dreary school day
After the miserable work night
That we'll be there together at the end.

The world always seems better when  you aren't alone
Because then it isn't just you holding you together
The burden is split
And though, sometimes it may not seem like a lot
It really is the world
And it really is everything.

The only thing holding us together is each other.

Broken ambition
Lost in admiration
Of a life that seems so appealing
But, in the end is only demeaning
Because your worth is not based of a boy
But, to you, of course it is
Because with the people in your life
Who have done nothing but criticize and fight
And treat you like ****
And leave you regretting it
It's just so sad with so much potential
But, it's all the wrong things that are influential
On your life and your actions
People have done you wrong
And it makes you succumb
To all the easy roads in life
Becoming a broken wife
To some pill-pusher with no job
Who beats on you day in and day out
But, you'll say he loves you
Because he ***** you
You think he does
But he DOESN'T
That I wish I could make you see
No boy and no man can ever be
Your source for happiness in this life
Because in the end it is only you
Only you in the world
You against the world
You laughing with the world
You crying with the world
And if you can't be happy with the world
There is no can't
There is only won't
And no one can force you to see
The woman that you're meant to be
But, I can tell you it isn't this
Picking the piece just because it kind of fits
Please be careful
I don't want to get that call or see that post
I don't want to see you on the 11 o'clock news
I don't want to have to visit your grave
And I don't want to have to visit your prison cell
All because you can't see what you're worth
And what potential you have in the world
So I pray that tomorrow you wake up
And you see that worth.

I can't remember the way we felt
And that feels so good
I can't remember the way we used to lay
And that makes me lay so peacefully
I can't remember the scent
And that makes the air more fresh
I can't remember anything
And that makes everything so much better.

When something so precious
Becomes so hard to find
It's amazing the things people will do
When pushed to the limit
Of needing the necessities
When there is not such thing as niceties.

Land that's barren and dry
No civilization for miles and miles
There are no such thing as smiles
Just brutality and killing and stealing
It seems there's no longer such thing as feeling.

In this land of crazy there's one who can help
They call him "The Warrior"
There's no doubt he's as crazy as the rest
But, maybe, just maybe he's a little different at best
He's done great things and helped the many
Maybe if we had more warriors
Maybe, just maybe, people could rest.

Now you lay me down to sleep
My soul, you will surely keep
Along with my heart right next to yours
You could never fathom ripping them apart
One in the same
Living side by side, day by day
Night by night
My, my, what a sight.

Now I lay you down to sleep
Your heart, I will forever keep
Next to mine as we lay
Now and forever
Until the end of days
Even after  your heart will stay
Forever with mine
This I will always pray.

Now we are laying down to sleep
All of our secrets we will keep
I tell you mine and you tell me yours
The darkest ones that I will always adore
And cherish until the bitter end
We will forever call each other friend
The very best, along with lover
And soon wife and husband
With so much more world to discover.

Now we dream our very sweet dreams
Of our future together, just you and me
Along with our friends and family
We will forever be as happy as can be
Because I have you and you have me
So, don't worry dear
The end is not near, nor does it exist
Troubles will come, but, do not fear
Together we'll plan and we'll make it through
To the whole world, we will prove
And show them the world
For they do not know
When they look at us
We'll always put on a show
Now rest your head down now
And sleep your sweet dreams
And in the morning you'll wake
And I'll be next to you and you'll be next to me.

One thing after another
One strike
Two strike
Three
Though it may not seem
I'm as grateful as can be
For the things that you do
And the things that you've done
The words "Thank you" are never enough
And they never have been
Because two little words can't encompass the feeling
Of not knowing what to do
If I were without you
From day one you held my hand
And taught me how to stand
Tall and proud and as confident as I can
Through the bumps and the bruises
And everything that confuses
The one I can count on
Because you're always there
And it kills me to hurt you
Because I never meant to do so
Some things I know have been stupid
Some things never needed to be disputed
I just want you to know
That as I sit here and cry
Please know that I'm trying
I've tried so hard over the years
Despite all of the times I caused you tears
No matter what words I say
They could never truly explain
The bond between mother and daughter
The feeling of appreciation and thankfulness
Until then I guess I will have to settle
For the two words that everyone can use
Thank you.

So much death
Not enough life
So many tears
Not enough smiles
The things they say happen for a reason
But, why? We've done no treason
Lately, not enough sun
To shine through the dark clouds
It's like everything is shrouded
By memories both good and bad
You can't help to feel sad
Because lately
There's been too much death
And not enough life.

In regards to happiness
To be or not to be
I choose the former
Rather than the latter.

So long happiness eluded
Now a ray of light, no longer secluded
From those with smiles
It's worth all my while.

With a smile on my face
No longer just a case
To remove in the privacy of home
No longer looking for somewhere to roam
When things get rough
Because I know I'm tough
And you give me the strength
The confidence to use my voice
The courage to no longer settle for less
To be happy and strive for the best
Because I lost it
And now we've found it.

To be or not to be
That is the question
In regards to happiness
It is not question at all
Because who would choose the latter?
Especially over the former?
With so many smiles and laughs
Against so many tears and cries
Sensibility, common sense
It leads me to believe about the latter
That there needs to be
But, it will never last
Because the former is that much nicer.

In regards to my happiness
To be or not to be...
Is not a question.

I could write an angry rant
I could sing a sad song
But, it wouldn't make any sense
Because there's nothing wrong
I've got the wind under my wings
And my salt to my pepper shakers
No more games
That ain't my name
This won't be my name
For long
Because I've long moved on
I've long been gone
Off to paradise
Where the birds are singing
And the sun never stops shining
So bright the light puts a gleam in my eye
I'm so high I bet I could touch the sky
High on life
Don't need any extracurricular activities
When I've got something life changing like theory of relativity
It makes life feel a sense of simplicity
Something I have never felt before
It's like I can soar
Through the sky and touch the stars
No longer confined to a jar
Of my own inhibition
It's time to start the ignition and say go
Leap without a care
All I'll be hitting is air
Now there's nothing wrong with me
I'm exactly where and who I'm supposed to be.

Sick and down
But, you're there to help
Words cannot describe
This gratitude inside
It makes me want to cry
I'll never be sick alone again.

My head pounding
My palms sweating
But, you're there brushing my hair away
From my eyes so I can see
Even when I'm as sick as can be.

Half expected you to leave
While I rest and sleep
But, here you are
Calling me beautiful
Through the sweat and the bed head
Through the runny nose and the bad breath.

Take me to the doctor's
Not just handing me the keys
I'm not used to someone being good to me.

The words just won't flow
Because no words could ever compare
To the beauty of your touch
And the music of your voice
In my head
In my bed
Laying next to me
Not speaking a word
But, you're all I hear
At night when we're asleep
And we're wandering in dreams
That's the way it seems
We're wandering in a dream
That happens to be reality
But, if it's a dream
Please don't wake me
Because I am so happy
To call you my best friend
To feel your comfort
To laugh when we're stupid
So hard I cry sometimes.

The words come and go
So many words and so many thoughts
It's hard to pick through them
But, my best, I will try for you
Because you deserve it
And so do I
You know what I deserve
And I know what you need
It's so crazy that I didn't believe
I never believed what I couldn't see
But, I see you
And that gives me enough belief
To renew this faith
A new lease on life
That's what we are
Happy alone
But, better together
That's what we are
And this will only get better.

You taught me to cry
He teaches me to love.

Now the past is gone
And who would have thought
The cards would be played like this
So many things I no longer miss
Because I have better
We have better
Through all of the tears
It all comes to this
A feeling so right
No feelings feel wrong
Cast away fear and leap
This time someone will catch me
For so long I made the ground my home
Beaten down, I **** near drowned
In my own sorrow
Now there's no more ground
And I feel safe and sound
I'm finally safe and sound.

I like to get dolled up with no place to go
Make myself look so pretty
Dressed in dreams of New York City
Walking the streets so chic
With you on my shoulder
Because you will always make the lights a bit brighter
And the sounds a little louder.

I like to get dolled up with no place to go
No friends around except the ones that I roll
Can't say that I don't miss it
Yet I can't say that I do
But right now I feel pretty
Dressed in these dreams of New York City.

Feeling the pull
With the force of gravity
On us all
But, especially on me
Pulling me towards you
Not knowing why
It's so strong
I can't deny.

Knowing each other for years
Why so suddenly now?
But, maybe I've always known
We could grow
But, I'm not ready yet
To open that door
That I know could so easily be opened
The door to our hearts
We've shared so much
And yet we know so little
Maybe one day we'll both meet in the middle.

Maybe I'm wrong
I've been known
To be wrong for so long
Before I realize what is right
But, this feeling inside
I don't know how long it'll hide.

The moonlight dances on your skin
And I melt within
The beauty that radiates
It must be a sin
From the top of your head
To the tips of your toes
This beauty that no one knows.

Laying naked in my bed
There are no words that can be said
To accurately catch your beauty
From the tips of your toes
To the top of your head.

Long flowing hair cascades in waves
Across the pillows, tickling my face
Your porcelain skin glowing with the moon
Your moonlit kissed eyes glowing and seeing right through me
Into the darkest corners of my mind
And loving every corner.

Those perfect pink lips
That so many times have kissed mine
Soft and supple
Leaving me breathless every time
Along with those big brown eyes
That see through me every time.

The landscape of your body
Should be the eighth wonder of the world
For it's fluidity and wonder never cease to amaze
From the gentle ***** of your shoulders
Leading to your delicate but strong arms
To the ***** of your *******
Two hills of decadent perfection
The curve of your back
So soft and so sweet
With the curves of your hips
So tantalizing to me
Leading to your legs
Legs that go on for days
Your legs and your curves...
Enough to drive anyone crazy.

The beauty of your exterior
Seems terribly inferior
When compared to your inner
The beauty of your soul and your mind
So kind and so caring
But, also, just a little bit daring
And the darkest corners of your mind
They're much more beautiful than mine
And how someone like you could love someone like me
Well, it has to be destiny
How else could you explain it
Someone so perfect and beautiful
Loving someone so broken and a little dull
But, such is life
I'm just glad that you're here tonight.

When beauty is only skin deep
The beauty loses it's beauty
When you only see the outside
There is no beauty
There cannot be beauty
That is only skin deep
Being beautiful implies
Much more than meets the eye
More than that porcelain skin
And those blue eyes
Beauty is the soul
Beauty is not cold
Like some of those who are called
Beautiful.

It's at night
When the memories come alive
The taste of your lips
The feel of you skin on mine
The become so alive
It makes it hard to sleep
With you laying there next to me
Because you shouldn't be there
But, you are
And I'm scared.

Laying ******* in bed
With my phone to my ear
You called me this morning
And now we've been talking
For what seems like forever now
But in reality it's only been
Like 24 minutes
Mostly silence it's been
But you haven't stopped
Or told me that you'd rather hang up
This is what I miss
More than our kiss
Being on the phone
Just breathing, knowing we aren't alone
I think to much
This much I know
But to that I say...so?
If you only knew
The things that I do
Things wouldn't be so different
You'd still be there
And I'd still be here
But, scratch the surface
And I think there's something more
Like words left unsaid
Things that aren't being expressed
Maybe it's for the best
What if it isn't?

Just when you think the monsters are gone
They come back with a vengeance
Like never before.

They dance in your mind when you're in bed at night
Prancing and frolicking
Waiting or their chance to strike.

When the dancing stops is when their fun begins
They turn on you with those black beady eyes
******* all light from deep within.

They hit so fast it's hard to defend
Scratching and biting
Until there's no way you can contend.

Because you're bleeding and hurting
From their tiny, sharp teeth
Then back to darkness you are reverting.

It's easier to feel when you aren't being eaten alive
From those tiny little things that haunt you on the inside.

Today you haunted me
More so than any other day
Today I felt your arms
Wrap me tight and hold me in warmth
That soon turned cold
And I wanted nothing more than for you to leave me alone...
But, how naive of me to think
That you leaving me alone would end this ache
This ache that I haven't felt in weeks
Since our last day...
So I called you up
Asked you if anything was up
Asked you if you'd thought of me
And what that could ever mean
A mystery for now it seems
Because at the time being
Between you and me
It's not meant to be...

And I lied when I said
I wouldn't write and cry
About you
Because it's the only thing that takes away the ache
And it takes away the pain
Like an amputee
I lost this big part of me
Now I'm left with the phantom
Of what we used to be
And what we are today.

Folding my laundry today
And I felt you right behind me
Holding me tight
No pretense, no warning
Just there you were inside my mind
Your hands in mine
Then your warmth turned to cold as I realized
That you're that phantom
And nothing more.

Laying in your arms at night
Feeling so safe
All worries out of sight
The smell of your skin
Collecting between us
The rhythm of your heart
A metronome timing my sleep
Your arm wrapped tight
Our legs mingling out of sight
Under the blankets
Where we lay
With the moon shining through the window
Only memories, though
And that's good enough for now.

Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop
Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech
As he opens the door, she rolls over...
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Ohh...

Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know...
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone

She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
She lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man...
She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man...
Can't find a better man
Can't find a better man
Yeah...

She loved him, yeah... she don't want to leave this way
She feeds him, yeah... that's why she'll be back again

Can't find a better man

Something different
Something sudden
I was caught by surprise
By those, oh so stunning eyes
I said hi
You said hello.
My little kitty
Vowing to forever stand by me
As friend, maybe more
Kitty, thank you for caring about me
Maybe you can help me see
For the second first time
Help me pick up the pieces of my mind
As you so vowed to do
Because you know the hurt
And you could desert
But, I'm just guarded and scared
My heart is just tired
And it's me you want to admire
It's just such a crazy notion
That some of your beauty and style
Might notice little old me
With the pudge and the baggage
But, here you are patiently waiting
And helping me pick up the pieces of my life
Maybe one day I could call you my wife
One meeting could make a lifetime
Some things I can't help but take as a sign
But, only time will let us see
I was just so surprised
When you said hello
And I said hi.

The words want to flow
But, so many poems in a row
I made a promise, not only to you
But, to myself
The subject matter at hand
I'll only say what I can
So that I can grow
The words cannot flow.

You're holding the gun
And I'm pulling the trigger
I'll shoot us both

The one thing that stings the most
Is the realization that I really was wrong
I made a mistake and now I'm paying the cost
The greatest words that were ever said
"Focus on Rosie and ***** all the rest"
That's what my Mama said before she left
And I know that she's right
I need nothing when I have me right by my side
No one here to let me curl up and hide
People say these are the best years of my life
I sure hope not cuz' all I want to do is curl up and die
But I won't trip
Because I'll keep a stiff upper lip
It just hurts that I was wrong
So I'll just keep singing my song
Time for my solo queue

In my head
In my bed
When I'm laying alone
Wondering if I'm in yours
And it hurts me to my core
The fact that I still miss you
And I still want to kiss you
But as time will pass
I'm sure this can't last
Right?
You're neither friend nor foe
I don't know what you are, though
I believe you are something
Ironically
Something not logical
And temperamental in nature
A ticking time bomb of sorts
Just waiting till the fuse burns
And everything bursts
At the seams of the heart
And everything will rip apart
Then come together with such synchrony
That it'll be a little bit scary
But, I don't fret
Because I know I'm better than that
When laying in my bed
Welcoming the feeling
But dreading the presence
Of the image of your face
That I once held so dear
But, I no longer fear
Because I am better than late night romps in your car
And trying to touch something that is so far
Away from me and through with me
But, you are not my enemy
These problems are beneath me
Because I deserve more than a lack of trust
And asking for a massage...was that too much?
I forgave you, yes
But, that doesn't change this mess
Now I'm sober and over
This mess that we left
I'm cleaning myself up and dusting myself off
Because I may have faltered
But, I will always get back up
And in time we'll both see
That you're wrong about me
No logic, only emotion
Well, you can't have a beach without an ocean
But, that's over now and I won't let myself settle for rejection
In this circumstance I won't be it's subjection
I'll only be it's objection
Because I won't stick around where I'm not wanted
And maybe soon I won't be haunted
By you in my head
And in my bed
And maybe soon I won't wonder if I'm in yours
Because soon I'll know that I'm in mine.

One of those moments
When writing just isn't happening
When all you can do is quote your favorite song
When you can't come up with your own
Trying to breathe and speak
But the words catch in your throat
Behind the tears falling from your eyes
Falling at the tempo of your music
In time to the beat of your weary heart
Thinking and wondering
When the worry gets too much
And you realize you're silly
Now get over it
So your heart can move on to another beat.

Did that just happen?
Or was it just a dream?
Maybe I'll just lead myself to believe
That it was all a dream
Including the scent of your skin
And the feel of your lips
Against mine in the pale moonlight
And your warmth swallowing me once again
I'll convince myself it was a dream
So I don't get burned again.

But, it felt so different
Like we were starting again
Two new people in two new lives
Two people with the tools to make it through
With the tools to start anew
Feeling the same would have been great
But, I would have had to politely depart
Because it would have been the same road
Just a different time
Same place
But, it felt so different.

I think it's safe to let myself believe
It was all just a dream
But, you know me
I was never one to be safe
But, I've turned a new leaf
So it'll remain a dream
For now...
Just let me know if I'm wrong
Let me know if it happened
Let me know if we really sang that song
Because I meant every word I said
When I said I was in it for the long haul
We may be a little bent
But, we can learn to love again
Oh...and there I go...

Saying the things we never said
How can this be the end?
Even if it was just a dream
It's one I hope to have again
And again and again
Well, you get the idea
So just let me know
There's no rush to the end
Though I'll always be there for you, friend
Even if it's only a dream
I'll be with you until the bitter end
Call me a hopeless romantic
For these love driven antics
But, since you've been gone things just got so clear
And, in all honesty, I have nothing to fear
Because even if it was a dream
My eyes will always gleam
Because you helped give me strength
A voice
You helped me find my own mind
And that isn't a dream.

Did that happen?
Yes, it did
Will it stay reality
Or will I have to believe it's a dream?
I don't know, my dear
You tell me.

Without you I just feel so alive
Now wait before you start jumping to conclusions
I'm not meaning to cause pollution
Between you and I
I just mean to thank you
I've felt more in a month that I have in a lifetime
This is too real for a rhyme
My eyes have been opened
Though nearly killing me my heart is here
And my voice along with it
Never to be silenced again
Never to be hidden again
Through the monsters of my own imagination
No longer through degradation
My spirit is free
From myself
All along I had the key
Without you I feel so alive
I hate the feelings
But I love being alive
A feeling I will never fear again
Because being alive is what I have in the end
When I'm down on my luck
The hope I have is here to stay
And the hope is real
One day again it will be "we"
I just need to be alive without you
So I can be alive with you
And I thank you
And I love you
For what you have given us
I feel so painfully, wonderfully alive.

I told you I was hurt
Bleeding on the inside
I told you I was lost
In the middle of my life
There's times I stayed alive for you
There's times I would have died for you
There's times it didn't matter at all

Will you help find the right way up
Or let me take the wrong way down
Will you straighten me out or make me take the long way around
I took the low road in
I'll take the high road out
I'll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can't live without

Standing in the dark
I can see your shadow
You're the only light
That's breaking through the window
There's times I stayed alive for you
There's times I would have died for you
There's times it didn't matter at all

Will you help find the right way up
Or let me take the wrong way down
Will you straighten me out or make me take the long way around
I took the low road in
I'll take the high road out
I'll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can't live without

Well I'm not gonna give it away
Not gonna let it go just to wake up someday
Gone, gone
The worst part is looking back and knowing that
I was wrong

Help me find the right way up
Or let me take the wrong way down
Will you straighten me out
Or make me take the long way around
I took the low road in
I'll take the high road out
I'll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can't live without
I'll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can't live without

Awake again for the tenth night
It could be the fifteenth or the twentieth
I don't know, who's counting?
I lost count around night three
Maybe it was four?
All I knew was that I was in for more
Tossing and turning
Unable to sleep
My eyelids unable to shut
Then the frustration sets in
And I'm a wreck again
Because the thoughts won't stop coming
Then the tears won't stop flowing
Because I'm tired of this
No one knows just how tired I am of this
And yes, I just tried to rhyme "this" and "this"
I keep praying that maybe I have a cyst
Removed with just a clip and a snip
But, I won't have that luxury
Because people will think that I'm just telling stories
That's in all in my head
That's why I can't see the end
But no one knows just how tired I am
Because it's always an excuse
But why would I put myself through this abuse?
Sure the pain only stops when I cry
But, that's just science, I can't lie
The feeling comes and body responds
Now let's change to "The Big Bang Theory"
Maybe some comedy will make my heart cheery
Maybe it'll make me sleepy
Need to find something else
Since the thoughts I once used
Have been beaten and abused
And no longer help me sleep
They just leave me here to weep
Until then the sleepless nights will come
I'll still be sleeping some
I'll just be tired until it's done.

My stomach hasn't settled
Since that one day
Butterflies and knots
Riddling my stomach into decay
Like a virus
Eating from the inside out
Always hungry
Never full
Always eating
What's inside of me
Nothing hushes my aching stomach
What's wrong?
Maybe an ulcer
I guess it could be cancer
Of the stomach
Or liver
Maybe even the pancreas
It could even be my heart
But for now I'll just call them butterflies
Eating out my gut.

Against all odds
I will fight for you, my dear
Against all odds
With all and nothing to fear
Just take some care
Because you're still holding my heart
And I don't think I can rip it apart
From the warmth of your grasp
But, I don't know how long that warmth will last
Feeling pathetic and worried
I just wish time would hurry
No longer on the ground
I guess that was a start
The first step in healing my wounded heart
It's hard for the stitches to hold tight
When the weight of my heart grows heavy every night
When I'm laying in bed
And it's you cradling my head
Unrequited love
The thing ancient poets have spoken of
The thing songs are made of
They make it sound so graceful
But, really, it can sometimes be hateful
When you heart gets so heavy it's sitting on the floor
No longer inside of you but, laying on the ground
For the world to see
Gathering dirt and debris
Too heavy to handle
Because it's you I'm still safe with
And that shouldn't be
You're the one who broke up with me
You should be last on my mind
But, it was you I called when I was in a bind
And I can't see that changing
Because I meant when I said
I would have said yes
Now I'm just heavy with fear
My heart, you will tear
And without even knowing
I'll bleed out right there.

Accidental happenings and spun intentions
Into something so evil
The devil dare speak the words
The anger in my soul
Making Aries burn green
Fists and kicks
None hurt worse than words
Those without meaning
When strewn with guilt
And misjudgment
Creating puzzles out of clarity
And chaos out of peace
Cacophonies of noise
Disrupting the minds of those
Who the words still held meaning
To measure into the abyss.

No.
No.
No.
No.

That's what I said
But, you never listened.

No.
No.
No.
No.

Now just left feeling violated instead.

No.

Maybe next time you'll listen
But, there won't be a next time
Never again.

Cut me open like a knife
And let the words come pouring out
Onto this steel plated table
As you cut it all out
What is this all about?

Watch me bleed out
Never once trying to stitch me up
Never once holding me
Telling me it'll be okay.

And all the while you told me you'd stay

Please explain to the next one
Why it's so **** hard to hold on
Why it's so **** hard to let go
When you just gave up from the start
Explain to the next one
Exactly what happened to my heart.

Now watch me bleed out
On this table we built with our love
I was naked and bare
Laying, waiting for you to come back
Watch me bleed out as you turn and leave me again

And tell me again and again and again
How it's my fault we're broken and bent...
Tell me again and again that I didn't try
Then look at these cuts, these bruises, these scars
And tell me you didn't help rip me apart...

Cuz you watched me bleed out
Never once trying to stitch me back up
You saw I was dying and you wanted out
Guess I can't blame you
Because I'd do the same
Pack up your things and leave me to blame

And you said all the while that you'd stay...