Where am I going?
How am I doing?
Two questions that have no definite answer
In my world of definites
The pain of not knowing
The indescribable uncertainty of future
And the painful truths of the past
And the undeniably unstable quakes of the present
Racked with uncertainty
Thought spinning and whirling
Around
Around
And around my mind
Making me dizzy
Sick with thought
Stricken by fear
Until there's nothing to do but fall down.

When down on the ground
Where is there to go but up?
Be content with the cold hard ground
Or rise up to your knees
Baby steps
The road to recovery
Gravity fights and tries to knock you back down
The floor starts to look a little better
It pulls you down
Temptations arise
They won't be the reason for my demise
Back on my feet is where I'll be
Give it time
Where will I be?
How will I be?
We'll have to wait and see.

Little girl
So shy and scared
Why can't you see there's nothing there.

Under your bed and in the closet
The monsters you say are there
The monsters that have you so scared.

Run and hide in your mind
The thing causing you this fear
For the monsters were never there.

The monsters of your mind
Nothing to fear you will find
To the corners of your mind the monster will be confined.

One day you'll know
The things the world has to show
The one day where you grow.

The monsters in your mind will always be easy to find
Monsters that take many forms and all kinds
Doubts and insecurities messing with your mind.

Monsters are never hard to find.

Bathroom floor
White tiles
Cold surface
Comfort in the strangest of places
In order to experience life
You must experience the bathroom tiles against your skin
As you tears fall onto the white surface
Until you view the bathroom lights from a different angle
You haven't experience life.

Until you've seen the inside of your toilet bowl
Because you've drank so much
Just to mask the feelings you don't want to feel
Until you can see your tears ripple the water
You haven't experienced life.

Until you've sat on the edge of your bathtub
Tapping your foot nervously on the floor
That cold white tile of your bathroom floor
Developing that friendship with your floor
Knowing the cold comfort it can give
As your tears fall to the floor
There is life.

Broken and bruised I stand before you
Tattered and split I held my heart in my hands
Turning blue and cold my eyes focused down
My heart hardening to my soul
Broken and bruised I stood before you
Words spoken through a damaged heart
Feelings of a wounded soul
A broken heart and a twisted mind
Twisted through the lies of another
Broken by the actions of the other
Cracks in desperate need of repair
Blemishes and no one cared
Cracks along the surface travelling deeper than most can see
If you look correctly, you could see right through me.

You've seen right through me
And I can't deny
That these feelings are truly mine
Not needing to hide or to find the right time
These feelings are mine
What a wonderful thing
When you can let your heart sing
The sorrows of the past and the joys of the future
Makes you think that there might be a cure
For the tears that have been shed
It just might be worth the hit
Because I know when I open my eyes
These feelings are truly mine.

Beaten down and battered
Words condemned me and now liberate
All it took was an emotional quake
Brief moments of panic and pain
All needed to keep me sane
At least I once thought...

My vision is clear
The end is not near
For me but, for you the end is here, I fear
So, my dear
Expelled from my life
No longer can you cause me strife
Your words hurt like a knife
And choked me until there was no life
Now my vision is clear
And my end is not near.

I stand here licking my wounds
Battered and torn
Broken and bent
Tattered and shred
Sewing myself together with needle and thread
Finding warmth to bring the pink to my lips
Sailing your ships
No longer wanted, no longer needed.

Broken and bruised I stood before you.

The man in the hat always stares
The man in the hat is always there
The man in the hat holds the key
Under his hat, no one can see
Everyone is looking at me
The man in the hat is there
Can't you see?

Here in a pinch and gone in a flash
How long are these supposed to last?
Who knew it was this late?
I always lose track when I hallucinate.

Am I crazy or are you?
Keep staring, it's nothing new
But, have you seen the man in the hat?

No one ever sees the man in the hat
But, on my bedside he sat
Plain as day, clear as crystal
He sat there by my side

They say a sickness and I say a blessing
Someone there is all I've needed
And now the man in the hat is here
I am well now, my dear.
Nothing left to fear
My man in the hat is here.

As the sun sets

My body I lay to rest

After years of pain

I lay it all to rest

I rest the hatred and the demise

The jealousy and the pain

Rest now dears

Rest now so the sun can shine

And feed the gardens of my life

Let the sun set on the pain

So on my life, the sun can rise.

Yeah run that same game
It's always my fault
It's always me
When you'd talk me down
And I'd feel so small
You'd say it was my turn
But, I couldn't talk at all
You disgust me, too
You *******, you *****
But, I hope you're happy
Because hate isn't worth it
You'll be runnin that game
With the next girl you play
And I hope she sees it
Can look passed the game
Maybe you need a black chick
Maybe whats her name?
You played the victim the entire time
Now it's my time to shine
If I said I hope you die
I'd be lying
You don't deserve that much of my time
So hate me all you want
See if I care
But hate is more than I could stand to give you
I've done more in the passed day
Than I have in a month
And for that I thank you
For letting me go
So I could see how low we've become
But, I'm climbing again
And I'll say I'm much better
And if I see you around
I'll just smile and wave
Because to you, I am no longer bound.

All along I thought you were there to help me
Little did I know you were the cause of everything
All the tears and all the pain
When I just wanted to take it all away
It damaged so much
Nearly took all of me away
But, now that you're gone
I get to put the pieces back the way they came
No longer shrouded in your shadow
Seeing the sun for the first time in months
Hurts my eyes and makes them tear
What do you expect after a year?
But, the pain will slowly fade
Day and day, it'll get better
That's more than I can say for you
I'm not the only one who needs a mirror
But it's not about you anymore
As it never should have been
Who knew that I was never broken
It was just you telling me your truth
You wanted power to cover the pain
I let you touch my heart, now it's stained
But, without your shadow over me
Finally, I can breathe.

One by one
Trying to make the pieces fit
Of what is left of it
My heart, my mind, my soul, my trust
Shattered.
Now just scrambling
Until the day that I feel better.

"Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone"
Oh how I used to hate that song
But, now rings with the sound of relief
No more fighting
No more crying
No more you
No more me
No more us
Now more we
With waves of grief I grieve
But, never regret or believe
That it was always me
The safest place was in your arms
I felt no harm
I trusted your word
And I was your sword
But my blade was dulled
And your shield grew weak
Now my heart, you no longer keep
I hope you buy the next one flowers
And I hope you hold her hand
I hope you never forget me
Because I never can
I will never forget the things you did
Both the good and the bad
So I don't repeat the past
It was a good run
But, we just couldn't finish the race
Now rest your weary bones
And I'll sharpen my blade
Until the next one comes again.

Both for the better
Neither for the worst
Never wishing ill
Always there to help
No more "we"
No more "us"
Though we could have been on the cusp
You had my full trust
To not hurt me and help make me better
And now it's gone
And so are you
I'd be lying if I said I hated you
But, these feelings are true
Raw to the bone
Like a knife searing me
Waves crashing into my soul throughout the day
Short of breath and bleeding
But both of us for the better
Here's to something happier
You made a stronger person
But, that could be said about the ****
About the alcoholic
Was it good or was it bad?
Whatever it was, it was a trip and a half
Between you and me on my back
It was like a verbal attack
Then all the promises of forever
I guess you couldn't keep
Telling me to not quit when the going gets rough
Well, I guess the tables turned
Now I've learned.

Can't breathe
Can't sleep
Can't dream
Can't eat
Dan't drink away my feelings
Till they hit the bottom of the bottle

Can't talk
Can't scream
Can't take the person staring at me
Because she just isn't good enough
For anyone, not even me.

Can't do anything but cry.

To think it could have been over
That's a nightmare I no longer fear
To think we would have lost it all
I'm so glad you're here.

The rush of air
And the glimpse of gold
Shimmering light
In stories of old...
Not here, not there
But, everywhere
The sounds the sights
All rushing in air
With the sound of the music
Be careful, don't lose it...
Just let it settle in
Relax
Now breathe in and begin
In and out of time
Swaying with the melody
You are not you
We are not us
I am not me
I am one with the sound
I am the air in the atmosphere
Clouding and shimmering
How much do I dare?
Push and pull
But, always settle...
Tell the tales of old
The shimmering lights of gold
In the eyes of the people
In the eyes of the world
Show them the sights
And open their eyes
Show them how bright the starry nights can shine
With mystical, whimsical lines and rhymes and chimes
Listen to the wind...
Carry the sound and let the sound carry you
Because you are not you
You are the sound.

Each night it creeps on
The yearning growing stronger
Until I'm not there.

The crazy comes
The crazy goes
When does it begin?
Nobody knows.

I'm sorry I'm crazy
I'm sorry I lose control
It's like a ticking time bomb
I never know when it's going to blow
Until it does and I cry
And I scream and you try to hide
I'm going to drive you away
It'll be my fault that we leave this place
And that makes me crazier
Because I don't know what to do
Because I'm trying to keep cool
I'm just so tired of dealing with it
Sometimes I wish I could die, too
Just to make it stop
No more tear filled days
No more fearful nights
No more wondering if today will be the day
Just make the pain go away
For everyone around me
I know they see
But, I can't help it
When it takes the best of me
Never knowing when or why
Until the last string is pulled
Then it's do or die
And sometimes I wish it were the latter
Because just when I think I can't get much sadder
I'm proven wrong
I feel the pain and guilt
I wish I had never been built
Because who wants this?

The crazy comes
The crazy goes
When it'll end
Nobody knows.

Like the sun and the moon
With stars that kiss the surface
Never touching
But, always admiring
Living to see the other rise each day
But, never getting close enough
To kiss the moonlight with the rays
Never letting the moonlight bathe
Live for the mere existence
Never touching and always looking
Settling for the starlight that shines
But, even that doesn't touch
While I have darkness
You have blue skies
But, even that just doesn't feel so right
Because blue skies mean nothing without your baby
And the dark serenity doesn't mean a thing without my love
But, every once in a while on a cloudy day
While the clouds pour and rain
You may come to bask me in your rays
I may steal a kiss or more
But, only until the clouds go away
Then it's back to yesterday
And we'll settle for blue skies and starlight.

I try to hide my pain with humor
Cuz' I think the pain will end sooner
Rather than later but,
All the pain is doin is sittin and festerin
Cuz' the only person I'm fooling is myself
And even I'm not totally convinced
So just stop this ****.
Let it out and let it breathe
Because that's all you need
Don't be scared to be free
Of the pain and insanity
Of every day to day worry and fear
Those are what got you here.
So, let them go and live your life
Give it a second try
Because you have too much to give up now
Go ahead and make that vow
To get serious now
Because you're still young
But, youth doesn't last
Make the most of it before it's past.

What words can I make this poem say
When I just want to tell you I miss you
I've told you time and time again
And there's not much else to say
But, I'm still writing anyway
I miss your smile
I miss your eyes
I miss everything all the time
I miss your touch
I miss your kiss
With you, everything is bliss.

Have I mentioned that I miss you?
Because, baby, I really do
I miss the **** out of you.

Though the sun is shining bright
Dark rainclouds hang in my mind
Thick drops fall onto my heart
Making it harder to see out of the dark.

Come dance with me
No, wait, you're gonna get burned
Get up off the ground
I'm just gonna sit you back down
Spinning words like a web
Venom in my words like a curse
You think you're free
Then you don't know me
Just try to breathe
I might let you free
I'm schoolin you like a teacher
And no, I ain't no preacher
I'm just telling you what I see.

Come dance if you're brave
But, once you're with me
No one can save
Whatever is left after I get a hold
Who knew words could be so cold
Feeling like ice
Try taking a roll of the dice
They're loaded in favor
Of the mistress you savor
Just come dance
I promise it won't be your last.

How's it feel to be someone's little chew toy
Oh, now don't try to play coy
Just dance with me baby
I want to see everything you can be
But, it won't be enough to play with me
Rolling with the big girls now
And you fall with a pow
Without a single touch
I didn't know I'd feel this much
Now come dance
I promise I'll make your last
With this fire in my eyes
And no more tears to cry.

You can try your hardest
To dance this dance
But I move so fast
And you fall to the ground
Get up and try again
Because it'll be worth it in the end

Trust me...

This is when the tears start to fall
When I've started giving it my all
**** it
I just want to say
That I love you anyway
But these problems we've made
Are they here to stay?
Both of us say no
Tell me it isn't so
Because now I'm in it to win it
And we're the prize
Lord knows that I'm trying
And now I can't think through the tears
It feels like I'm dying
Between the stress of this mess and home
This started out for you
But now I don't know who
I can't find the lines to read between
All the riddles and hiding
Even today, I was trying
To read the riddles and to pry the pain
Because, baby, things ain't the same
I may have hid but, now I'm back
Now you can't hide and expect me not to crack
I just want to move forward from this pain
Because, I'm tellin you, I ain't the same
No more upper-hand
My words are plain...
Lord help us if you forget my name...
And I can't think through these tears
Because I'm afraid
That now I've gone and laid everything out
Torn my heart out of my chest and gave it to you...
I can't think through these tears...
Because I love you.
I almost told you good bye
But, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't all a lie
Because I'd do anything to see you stop crying
I'd go to the edge of the earth to see you smile
I'd walk to you right now if I had time
But, we both know that just wouldn't be right
But, if I had my car, I would have been there last night
Because...though we both said that we'd get better
I can still see the end in sight
The end sounds so bitter and we both know it ain't right.
This is harder than I ever thought...
But, my heart, you have caught...
You can let it go whenever
Just give me some warning before you sever...
You say you're worried about me crushing you
But, it's you who can do the crushing, boo boo.
I can't think through these tears...
Each tear feels like acid going down my cheek
And maybe it's just me being weak
I just miss you so much
If we were together things would be better
And we wouldn't have to write these love letters
Because we'd look into each others' eyes
And that's where nothing can hide.
I don't know where I'm going with this
Now I'm just left longing for your kiss
Because then we would know
How much we could grow.

Dear cup of coffee,
You're all I need
In the morning
To get me through the day
Or at least until two
Then give me another
Another cup of coffee
To get me through
An ode you, coffee!
To me you have always been true!
Pick me up in the morning
Wind me down in the evening
This is an ode to you!
Always cherished and always loved
You're like a gift from above
When I indulge too much the previous night
I always wake up with a fright
But, there you are holding my hand
My dear coffee can
This is my ode to you
Forever shall we always be true!

I feel the need for the words to pour
Yesterday was rough
Today I'm sore
But, I live to see another day
Of my life.

You say this is a mistake
Yeah, it could be
But, it's mine to make
I make my own mistakes
In my life.

This time it's rough
And yeah, I may have ****** up
But, everyone does it now and again
It isn't the end of the world
I'm not ruining my life.

I'm already ******* myself
I punish myself when I mess up
What makes you think this is any different?
This isn't a walk in the park for me
I evaluate my life.

I may not have a plan
How can I when this is so unpredictable?
But, I'll try my hardest to make something of myself
If it takes getting a 9 to 5 job, so be it
I will make the most of my life with the resources given.

I have friends that love and care for me
I have a family that provides and loves me
I will have people there to pick me up when I fall
If I can't get up off the ground
I appreciate the people in my life.

This is my life.

If only you dream
When you dream you think of me
Only a theory.

Sometimes I feel like the words aren't my own
Like I'm always singing someone else's song
Like the life that I'm living isn't for free
Like there's always some kind of fee
Now I'm not asking for a silver platter
I'm just asking to keep the things that matter
Like the one thing that makes me...well, me
My ability to be happy.

Now you have to stop doing this
Always hesitating
Never cooperating
Like you're so scared just to try to get far
Instead you just try to cover the scars
But, what is life when you're playing on defense
Too much of one thing just doesn't make any sense.

Just do it, you know you can
I wish it were as simple as that
When living life for so long
Always needing answers to prove you ain't wrong
And still no one believes you
So you feel like you still have something to prove
But proving gets old, it gets tired real fast
It was a matter of time until the last stone was cast
Making the foundation crumble and crack
Beneath the weight of the worries of everyone else's world
Just do it, you have the power, you can
It's not as simple as that.

They don't understand
But, wait a minute,....they do
Sometimes the words they have to say are the words that you need
But, words that you hear aren't what you believe
Because truth is a fickle thing
It can hurt and it can make you bleed
Make you hate whats looking back in the mirror and what you see
Is a person that you don't know anymore
You look in your own eyes and your throat gets sore
That's when you look down and try to think
What does everyone else see in me?

What does my man see when he looks in my eyes?
Does he see the little girl crying at night?
Does he see the cuts
The drugs
The *****
All the vices just leading me to lose?
Can he feel me crawling in my skin when he holds me?
Does he know that it's my own voice that haunts me?
Can he see the smile that is only truly his?
All of my secrets unlocked to him with a kiss
"You're so beautiful"
He says with that light in his eye
And inside I want to cry
Because I want to believe but, it's so hard
To think that I'm beautiful
When I feel I'm falling apart
I just beg he won't stop seeing
What I know he sees in me
Because one day, that, I will be
So, dear me
Reread
Rinse and repeat.

What did we lose
When we chose long ago
What did we lose
Besides each other?
Did we really escape?
Or did we make a mistake?
But it was so hard to take
I can't will to relive those days
The crying and pain and the loneliness.

But, I can't help thinking about all that we were
Can't help thinking about how that life was
What did it take for us to lose?
What did it take for me to move?
And what did we gain from all of that pain?

We were so lonely inside
I can't help to cry
As I think about all of those lonely nights
Without you.
I can barely hold onto those feelings now
But, when I get in that mood and I'm feelin down

I can't help thinkin about all those late night talks
Sometimes it felt like you were there somehow
Was it worth all the pain of losing us?
Were we ready for the break, was it just?
I just can't help thinking...

Whatever happened to the music you wrote
Whatever happened to the words I'd write
Just when we thought we had lost
We showed us how
To keep it together, not fall apart
The road, it got tough
Thought we'd make it out together...

But, I wasn't strong
Was I in the wrong?

Sometimes I get to thinking
About you and me...
And sometimes I wonder
Was it meant to be?...

But, then I think about all the times I cried
Because you couldn't be by my side
And I know it sounds mean but, you know it, too
It just wasn't right for me and you
Circumstance is a *****
Situation's a *****
It was the hardest thing for me to walk out that door
Another time, another day
But, then I needed more.

So, what did we lose so long ago?
Inspiration, our muse, where did it go?
I don't know about you
But, I'm writing this now
You inspire me now...still somehow
My friend, you will always
Dear friend, you have always.

I miss the way things used to be
The way things were
Between you and me
Things have just gotten harder
And I just can't see
Is it you
Or is it me?
So down I've been
Feeling so hurt and sore
I've come to you for comfort
Like I always have
But you pin it back on me
Making me feel worse
"That doesn't sound like him"
My good friend has said
I agree
It sounds like someone else instead.
I can't see
Is it you or is it me?
"I give up" you said
That phrase hasn't left my head
Since you've said it
A part of me gave up as well
If you truly mean it
I can't believe it.
Is it you or is it me?
Perhaps it is both
A reaction to an action
Just over and over
Reacting and reacting
A volatile reaction
Only made worst by time
If you'd only react differently
Say a different word
If I'd only do differently
Then surely we could be
Is it you or is it me?
So afraid I'll drive you away
I can't keep on crying alone
Night after night
Fight after fight
It takes it's toll.
What happened to the rest?
What happened to the words we said?
Always talking love
Always talking passion
Have we forgotten?
Some say passion must die
To replace it with the mundane
I refuse.
Until our dying day my love will be passionate
And I will fight with passion
Without passion it just doesn't seem worth it
Where did our passion go?
Where did the words of our beauty go?
Where did the words of our undying love disappear to?
No longer is there late night talks
Of our future and love
Few and far between are the looks of longing
Look into each others' eyes and peer deep
See the person you fell in love with
And fall in love with them all over again
Remember the love
And remember that it's still there.
I miss the way things were
And I know you do, too
Between you and me.

Band-aids cover up the wounds
Like a smile hides the pain
Day to day we pray
That we won't need anymore band-aids
When we can smile and mean it
We can pray until that day
But until that day we will smile
In hope that they will be real
Because there isn't much to do
Besides struggle and fight
If we value our life
If we believe in the day
When we won't need anymore band-aids
And we can smile
But, until that day
I pray.

What makes a weeping willow weep?
For it is beautiful
That is plain to see
So what makes the willow weep?
Luscious green leaves
Draping ever so carefully
Down to tickle the grass
Wind blowing through the branches
Like the longest hair
That would make Rapunzel green
So why does the willow weep?
The willow with cascading leaves
A waterfall of green
Creating a beautiful getaway
Behind its falling leaves
Why does the willow weep?
Creatures they scurry
To and from that green curtain
Frolicking and dancing among the green
Little children play little games
Hiding behind the leaves
A lovers first kiss
Hidden in the privacy of the willow tree
Why does the willow weep?
With beauty surpassing
And gratefulness overflowing
Why does the willow still weep?

What do you do when the words won't come?
When all that seems to show are the tears?
The tears that come for absolutely nothing
But, feel like absolutely everything?
The tears that make you stay in bed
The tears that make you lose friends
Because you just can't do it.

What do you do when you can't see the reason?
Even when there are so many reasons to see.
Is it lack of comprehension or just lack of sight?
Blind to the reasons because of the dark
Frantically searching for a light to show the warmth
A light to dry the tears that come from nothing
To get me out of bed.

Just what do you do?
What do you do when life doesn't seem like a life?
What do you do when singing a sad song doesn't work?
When putting a smile on becomes such a chore?
When holding back tears through the day makes your throat sore?
What do you do when you don't want to do it anymore?

After the high leaves
There's always the crash and burn
Harder than ever.

Ever feel that feeling
Where you're at, you don't belong
But you're forced into calling it your home?

Ever feel that feeling
Every single move you make
It's being watched and everything you say
Is being used against you?

Ever feel that feeling
It's just the same thing over and over
Never getting any closer
To the solution at hand
And you just don't know about your plan?

Ever feel that feeling
Getting ******* at daily by your man
Telling you one thing
But not making you understand
Feeling lower and lower
Till one day you won't be able to stand?

Ever feel that feeling
It's never him, it's always you
Picked apart at the seems
Until he's making you bleed
"Is he really right
Or is he just manipulating me?"
All I know is that it's always me.

I'm sorry I'm a little bit upset
In my heart I have kept
All this worry and this pain
'Cause when I tell you
All you make me feel
Is guilt and hurt
Like I can't tell you
My heart and my soul
Without words to be told
At me
I tell you how I feel
You tell me it's wrong
That's why I'm writing this song
Because you tell me to cry
And by God, do I try
To you I am melancholy
"If you're gonna be that way
you won't see me"
You want me to show emotion
But then you say that
Through text nonetheless
I can't see you're jokin
Be careful with words
Some don't understand
I am the one
Sometimes I don't understand
I'm so confused
When you tell me these things
I'm leaving tomorrow
I'm sorry I'm blue
I just can't stand the fact
I won't be seeing you
You make me smile that smile
And cry a good cry
You make me so happy
It's hard to change
I can be happy alone
But, why should I when I have you?
It's a lot on your shoulders
But, I got a lot, too.

The days will soon end
The nighttime will be coming soon
Weary heads will rest.

Any words I could write to make you stay
They'd be written on this page
To avoid my night terrors
Of your back walking away from me
Because the things I didn't do
For what I couldn't say
Don't you think there will come a day
When I won't regret
When I'll be okay.

Notes on the page dance
Like tiny ballerinas
In their frilly skirts
Their posture so straight
Dancing and twirling
Not letting me catch them.

Forever spinning
From the top to the bottom
Of my mind and the page
Never settling to let me see
What music they're meant to be.

Love or leave
Either way
You've made my life better.

Stranded alone with sand between my toes
No one in sight
Looking to the horizon
Nothing but storm clouds
Shelter I need
But, these sticks and stones won't hold
Stones molded together with mud
A sad escape from the storm
The temperature drops
And I shiver
So cold
Tears start to fall because I don't know how
I don't know if I'll survive
The clouds draw near and I can feel the wind
I look over and what do I see?
Are my eyes deceiving me?
A figure walks towards me
A man with more stones
"Go get more"
He tells me urgently
I shake my head and leave him be
I gather more things and when I return
What my eyes see gives me a start
My array of sticks and stones
Turned into a home
A proper shelter from the storm
A gift so great
I walk in and see you sitting there
Arms outstretched waiting for my return
Tears flowing free
I collapse into your arms
You cradle me, giving me warmth
Kissing my forehead
Wrapping your arms tighter
We hear the wind from the storm
But, the shelter stands strong.

Just a secret
Between you and I
I tell you these things
And that makes you mine.

Money is tight and things don't feel right
But, I'm still grateful for what I have
No matter how little or tiny
The laptop I'm on
It's really my mom's
But, she gave it to me when mine went down
I'm grateful for her
What she does everyday
And the time I try to comfort her
She pushes away
Crying in the kitchen
I don't know what to say
I don't know how to let her know
That everything is going to be okay
This Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas
Though I have everything I want
I can't give the things to her
To stop the tears from coming
Just another day in this house
I wouldn't have it any other way
But, once this day is over
Will we look back and say, "hey"
Something is out of place
And we gotta put it back together
Fit the pieces inside
I don't know what else to say
So I'll end it this way
Merry Christmas to all
And to all a good night.

The mere thought
What a beautiful thought indeed
Just a thought of you
A ray of sun on a cloudy day
I know this sounds cliche
But every word rings true within me.

A smile comes to my face
Every time you look my way
A smile that won't seem to shake
Resonating in my soul
Your words so deep and so true
You've changed my life
This is my ode to you.

The games we play
It's all fun, sure
But nothing beats that moment
In all seriousness you look
My eyes into yours
Reading my mind
The kisses so sweet
The feeling can't be beat.

So safe and warm in your arms
My favorite place to be
If you could hold me forever
Keeping me and protecting me
I'd have it no other way
Whether I'm crying or smiling
Paradise is found inside your arms.

Difficulties have arisen
Most of them my doing, I know
But, you've stayed for the long run
Holding my hand when I begin to fall
I wouldn't be the same without you, my dear
Day by day I see a little more clear
Our life together in the future
Yes, I know I'm sure
Marry me, my love
Not now, of course
Wait for the time
Just be with me
I'll be yours and you'll be mine.

Your breath across my neck
Sending shivers down my spine
Sweet nothings you whisper to me
You love me
You hold me
My own piece of heaven on Earth
A gift of God, you are to me
Sent for me and only me.

This ode to you
I could go on
My love for you will continue strong
Until I die
You will be my love, my life
How do you end a thing such as this
For a man such as you
So kind and so true
Only one way seems fitting
Darling, I love you.

I saw the end
No light in sight
Then you did the unthinkable
You kissed me and held me tight.

I knew things were wrong
I wanted to make them right
You saw in my eyes
My worries and fright.

I've tested the strength
Never again shall I question
The love that we share
Or how much you care.

I thought you were gone
When I told you the truth
I knew you would hate it
I thought you would run.

Far away
without looking back
Forgetting my name
But you stayed.

I saw the end
No light in sight
Then you did the unthinkable
You kissed me and held me tight.

Writing these words down here on this paper
In fear that I might waste this
Blessing I've been given
How could I just betray him
And act so selfishly?
Forgive me please
I need you here right beside me
I'm so sorry that I lied
And broke your heart
Into pieces
Betrayed your trust
Please just look at me
I'm begging you
Look at me and see the truth
I mean these words
Seems this can't get any worse
I ****** up
Now you're hurt and I have tears on my shirt
I'm at your mercy and I'm just begging
Please
Please listen to me
When I say I won't
Never again
I mean these words
Never again
Please believe it's true
I never hurt again.

My sadness is neither beautiful
Nor poetic
But, if I weave these words
Twist and turn them
Maybe I could fool
Not only you but, myself
Maybe these words will help me smile
When I am not feeling well
Because it is oh so hard to do so
Though few fully understand
Even those I love
They understand what they can
I can't blame them
I know that I can't
So, am I to blame myself?
I really don't think I can.

My loneliness and my sadness
My tears and my screams
Do not think them more beautiful
Than the nighttime sea
Nor think them more poetic
Than the most famous poetry
Because as much as I can weave these words
It doesn't change what they really are
I can twist and turn but, I can't deter
These feelings, forever to occur.

The feelings are there
The words won't come
It's like some kind of writers block.

You want me to...?
I guess I...
Maybe I....
Can I...
Really?
What if...
I don't know about this...
Maybe I'll think...
What if it does...
What if it doesn't...
Is it right?
What if it isn't...
What if it is...
I don't know...
Can you help...
I can't...
Maybe...
What if...
I think...
I don't think so...
You do it...
Can you...
Please...
I'm nervous...
Help...
I don't know...
Maybe...

5 days till my baby comes again
5 days till he sweeps me off my feet
Kisses me and takes all the pain away
5 days till I feel him next to me
5 days till I feel safe again
In his arms holding me so tight.

5 days to wait so patiently
5 days of anticipation
Waiting for my baby to come back home to me
5 days cannot go by fast enough
5 days It's like they're mocking me
Each one just longer than the last.

5 days that's all I have to wait
Until my baby comes again
5 days until he's home with me
5 days till I'm home with him
In his arms and his touch
Soon, I'll be home with him.

It's always there
Always waiting
Always creeping
Up on you
Not letting you rest peacefully
In fear that tomorrow
Will be just the same as yesterday was
And the day before that
And the day before that
What happens when you get
So sick and so tired?
This weight that is carried
Wish could get buried
Six feet below
No heaven, no hell
Just down in the ground
Free from the sound
Of the screams and the cries
Of the dying inside
Push and pull you down under
Louder than thunder
It tells you to smile and to sit
Just see what you get
Another day with this on your back
Always fading to black
Not letting the light
Shine through to your sight
Always just black
It covers you eyes
Takes away the vision
Leaving you with aimless decision
And tear stained cheeks
Forgetting for weeks
That there's a life that you have
Making you forget who you are
Trying to hide the scars
When finally you see
The blackness is gone
Oh but not for long
Left you with destruction
Pick up the pieces and wait
For it to happen again
You know that it will
Maybe this time it will ****.

The gods take pity
For the world is burning
By our own causation
The fabric of our means
Disintegrating at our feet
Flames growing down in the depths
Consuming all and leaving none
Slowly but quickly
Awareness met with ignorance
As death of day brings life
Birth of the demons
Beckoning and calling
More, more, and more
Feeding the system
And feeding off the fear
Not knowing when or where
The fires source
No warmth, just ice
Leave a wasteland behind
In its path
Devoid of life
The gods
They cry
Because we know why.