motherless,
is who,
to society,
i am.
it's on my centrelink forms,
it's written on my face,
it's why my teachers pity me.
but i never get to be,
me,
rosie.

motherless,
is what i've been,
since the candles,
fleetingly glowed,
and i made a wish not to lose those i loved,
as i turned,
16.

motherless,
the things that happened for me to receive this title,
killed me,
and,
killed her,
too.
the whole world,
without her,
has turned cold and blue.

motherless,
has poisoned my whole world,
my whole being, whole gravity,
whole soul has been overturned.

motherless,
is what now consumes me,
and has,
painfully,
since i turned 16.

I will pack up all my dresses
put them in brown boxes.
I will draw all the rough curtains
and lock all of the doors.
I will give away all my books
and wrap up all my china.
I will leave, I will leave, I will leave.
You will call for three long days
and wonder where I am.
You will ask my best friend Mary
about the location to which I've gone.
You will remember the way I smiled
and then realise what I've done.
I will leave, I will leave, I will leave.
The dust is starting to settle
like the frozen river in winter.
Oh the flowers are starting to bloom
It's been a year now, It's been a year.
Sometimes memories come calling
then blow away like dandelions.
I need you, I need you, I need you.
You and I used to get so drunk
and sing until we fell.
Then one night you looked at me
and kissed me 'till the light.
Now the Autumn leaves fall softly
as the hurt comes back in stages.
Why'd I leave, why'd I leave, why'd I leave.
The ice only lasts so long
before you remember nothing's left.
Whilst the frost slowly thaws
cracking fragments of my heart.
And if one day I return
I hope to hear your voice.
Oh I hope, oh I hope, oh I hope ..

i will quietly rise from my bed like a sleepless man getting up to use the toilet in the middle of the night
- but it will be 4am, and i will be heading to the shower.
arriving at the airport
i will remember you
and how i don't get to share my life with you anymore.
my sister and i,
we will have adventures in the sea with fish and walk through ancient temples...
but the knowing that you're not there will never stop eating away at our young hearts.
i remember as a child,
feeling with every innocent fibre in my body that you were my protector,
my soulmate,
my mother.
my sister and i,
now we live alone
with memories and knowledge that we should never have to know.
(at least not yet.)
we move quietly around the house,
going about our cleaning,
reading,
cooking,
eating.
but never with you.
at the airport i will look beside me,
the words "how long until our plane leaves?" forming on my lips
and i will realise
that you're not next to me
and i will cry silently facing toward the window side of the plane.
at 4am,
i will rise quietly from my bed,
the sun not quite awake yet,
and a question on my lips.
"why?"

I love that I am human.
That I can feel, and touch things.
Like the velvet of his skin.
The roughness of his hands.
And I love that I can find my way, even with my eyes closed.
Hearing every sound, every vibration rippling in the air.
Exhilarating and exciting me. Preparing me.
I love that I am human.
That I can exist, and love every moment of it.
Never knowing what's around the next bend, the next corner.
Being so aware of myself and the position I am in.
Looking up at the stars, and mapping out their coordinates.
Their legs dancing playfully billions of miles away.
I love that I am human.
That I won't live forever, so I must cherish every moment.
Get up after every fall.
And I love that I am human.
Because I can love the way I am supposed to.
Yell hallelujah with every breath, every heartbeat.
Use my hands until they become strained and weathered.
Or hide them under gloves, preserving their youth.
I love that I am human.
I love you.

Grey is the colour of the winter sky that wraps it's dull arms around me each day that I wake.
Green is the colour of his eyes that looked at me as though I was too beautiful to break.
Red is the colour of my eyes after months without sleep and too many days spent crying.
Black is the colour of the pain inside my heart after giving up on trying.
Yellow is the colour of the sun in spring that can no longer warm my soul.
Blue is the colour running through my veins that burn for me to feel whole.
Brown is the colour of his skin as I bury my happy face in the curve of his neck.
Pink is the colour of the lipstick that I apply to cover up the fact that I'm a wreck.

And please know that while you’re living your life, I’m in the dark falling apart.
Because you are the colour forever in my heart..

I fold,
quietly.
And open,
to your smile.
You,
talk softly,
and open me,
further.
My leaves,
they grow.
Shaping themselves,
around you.
Everything was Brown,
once.
But now,
Yellow is everywhere.
It's in,
my roots.
And it's,
in you.
This Spring,
is full of life.
As am I.
As are you.
I fold,
quietly.
And open,
to your smile.

small,
subtle moments of happiness,
lay upon,
your fingers.

they dance,
like the flame of a candle.
like everything around you,
sits quietly,
and stops.

your fingers,
are just like mine.
they both need,
and move,
and create.
the only difference,
their size.

we grasp one another,
like we are in love.
like the wick of the candle will never burn out.
but it won't,
and we are.

so as these small,
subtle moments of happiness,
encase our hands in a lovers knot;
let us be quiet,
and know each other's eyes.

laying back to back,
i feel your warmth.
our bodies fitting perfectly together,
like imperfect jigsaw pieces.

I find your hand with my own,
and your breathing slows.

Everything is quiet in the right places.
~~~~~
Laying back to back,
I feel your warmth.
Our mouths do not move,
But I can feel your gentle words.
And like soft waves that carress the darkness,
i too,
will carry you to the light.

I have loved you
through many sleepless nights,
spent crying,
thinking,
holding you.
I have loved you,
through pancakes for breakfast and behind closed bedroom doors blocking out the light.
I have loved you,
on
and on
and
on
forever.
Because although we are not together,
our hearts touched long ago,
and blood does not forgive.
Blood does not forget.

I have loved you,
under shelter from rain under black umbrella,
running to the bus stop where you have kissed me goodbye.
I have loved you,
through laughter and pain and hospital nights.
I have loved you.

I love you,
and I am terrified you will forget me.
Terrified that you will forget all these things I have loved you through,
and all these things you have loved me through.
And though we have loved each other through so many things,
I have also loved you before I was born,
before I was conceived,
before I was pushed out into existence kicking and screaming for love.
I hope with all my heart that I did not love you more than you me,
but I do not know.

I have loved you,
and I will love you,
through not hearing your voice,
through not feeling your hand in mine,
through not witnessing you grow old,
through not sharing wedding vows,
through not dying together.
I will love you,
through and through
Forever.

The light of dawn grew,
into my hands and the lines in the corners of my eyes..
and it was soft and sad all at once
because it was upon awakening that i’d remember you always.
And it was you,
clumsily smiling and looking at me with those eyes that shot through my heart like daggers.
And it was you,
who taught me that flowers could grow in my darkest garden corner
and i,
slowly rocking,
came to be still and safe.
And as the light filtered through my curtains at 6 am
I wondered if you were out there,
somewhere,
watching the light come through your curtains,
too.

you complain about the
(loud constant humming of traffic coming through the bedroom wall at night

i,
sitting on the other side of the bed
facing away from you always
cry
and hear angels cry too.

you,
lost in your busy-city like momentum of thoughts
grumble and remove your shirt
already thinking about the next day
and i think you are a statue.

us in the backyard having picnics featuring saladas and orange juice.
us in the bathroom,
me reading you plath, serious and brooding,
your parents sending us joint birthday cards.

i'm sorry for falling apart.
but you should be sorrier

We are Half Broke Horses, you and I.
The world has tried to tame us but our souls have resisted, and,
as a result,
we have felt loneliness and bitterness and misery.
We have known what it is to be secret outcasts, needily knocking on the walls of our own hearts.
But we stick together, you and I.

Sometimes I think that we are broken in opposite places, and,
that when we come together we create a perfect, whole sphere we call our world.
It is a slice of heaven where upon we are free to be naked,
free to be honest,
free to be wholesome,
free to be true.
It is our slice of heaven that is also our home.
It is our slice of heaven where upon we are free to rome.
And as I hold you in bed as you cry, I realise that we are Half Broke Horses, you and I.
But I don't mind... because I'm a Half Broke Horse with you.

Wake up and apply make up.
2. Go to school and pretend.
3. Make fake friends.
4. Laugh with the last of your energy.
5. Go home and cry about an impossible remedy.

And you reached into me with your greedy hands,
so much so that I wasn't sure where your fingers ended and my skin began
So much so that I mistook your livid pulse for mine.

And I thought I was breathing in burning air,
and the world turned cold and you didn't care
And I saw hell in your eyes..
but you were dressed in God's robes...

I saw hell in your eyes..
but it was too late to let go.

Like the morning frost that kisses the flowers awake,
I knew we were meant to be together.

Waking up,
to a slow morning light,
makes me realise
How alone I am.

Waking up,
not by your side,
makes me realise
how much I need you.

You broke my heart
once,
twice

You still break my heart
every morning
as I step out into the light.

And
I must ask myself
If I die,
without letting you break my heart
a
third
time
Will I be happy?


Will I be true?


Will I

pray to live just so that I can love you?


Once

More.

Today is your birthday.
I wake up to sunshine,
we're going to the beach.
The water is warm enough,
but,
I don't go in.
You loved the water.
I wanted to buy you flowers,
write you a letter,
let it go in the sea,
but,
I couldn't.
I wanted to hold your hand,
I wanted to say, "I love you"
but,
my hands are yours now.
Today is your birthday.
You would have been 54.
I guess you still are,
54,
in a way.
It's just that,
you're in heaven,
now.
I miss you,
until it aches.
I miss you,
until folding in half,
I hold myself,
and shake,
until I am empty again.
Today is your birthday,
and it isn't getting easier.
You gave me love,
you gave me life.
And I hope that,
you're watching from heaven,
mum,
because today I blow you kisses,
and,
set my spirit free,
just like you would have,
on your birthday.

Under black and white hue water rippled softly, kissing and caressing my skin.
I was infinite,
beautiful,
a star.
I was the person he’d never leave,
and the daughter she’d live for.
I was the sky,
the moon,
the sun.
I was everything the earth had ever kissed.
And while sunlight twinkled I sat on warm rocks as water gushed from great peaks at my back,
and I laughed,
trembled,
shook, at the gift that was the present,
the essence that made life beautifully tragic.
And so alone,
however not lonely at all,
I let the hysteria encapsulate me
take hold of me
wrap it’s arms around me
as I laughed all the way back to my body,
where amongst a classroom full of familiar strangers,
i sat quietly
feeling utterly,
alone.

You surprise me,
so softly,
you wish to see me.
Why?


I am but,
a bundled mess
of pessimism and nerves, and
Him.




Now I am not used to this,
this pushing away and you,
coming back,
asking, ‘when?’
and I,
in my paralysed uselessness say soon but avoid making a date,
but then,
I think of you
for hours
and hours
and hours.


I just wanted,
a ****,
to be honest.
But you won’t let me be that girl,
you make me
something more.
And it surprises me and warms me,
and makes me feel so valued
and that is why,
I’m going to say, 'Yes'.

Yes to that **** date you've been asking me on for a month now,
yes to french kissing, to holding hands, to awkward stares in between movie scenes.
Yes to searching for things to say, to getting to know one another’s ways,
now will you leave me alone?

I have some excuses that need making up.

Yellow was the colour of the cardigan she gave me.

I sat staring at my mum's ashes and crying,
thinking how everything was out of my control,
how everything hurt so ******* much.
But I looked in the mirror..
and I looked like the sun.


Yellow was the colour of the cardigan she gave me.

I sleep
Waking
Climbing rocks
and mountains
Endlessly searching....
Watching the sun rise,
and set,
while I,
my heart,
remains stationary.
I am looking for you
In the Land of Nowhere
where the water
is so blue
the lavender so fragrant
I can almost remember happiness.
I taste it in my tears
see it in my past
but the days keep pulling me
forward
and my heart I can’t find.
Where are you?
but the wind just pushes the long grass
makes my knees cold
makes me listen for foreign whispers.
When I wake,
it is alone,
and my heart used to cry each time
but it is silent in my ears now
quiet, and
afraid of waking
the screaming child in the next room.|
To the Land of Nowhere,
I faithfully keep returning
but in my quest of failing to find you,
I will find beauty in the world again.

Her mind shatters,
into a thousand pieces.
She does not have to face,
all the pain at once.

Encasing herself,
in the dusted wings of a moth.
The sun does not reach her,
though neither does the night.

Sometimes she plants flowers,
and starves them of their food.
Now they know her sorrow,
oh now they know her sorrow.

Shouting becomes muffled,
under her warm sheets.
Where she stays throughout the day,
whispering her name.

And one day she will bloom,
but it won't be bold and innocent.
Because only butterflies dance,
and only butterflies cry.

Her eyes were candles (until they got put out.)
A painful laugh escapes her lips
a real laugh in the realm of deep aching.
Now she sings. (Softly at first)
Then louder (only to herself.)
and everything becomes the slave of her soul,
just
for
a moment.
Tear ducts sealed,
tremors of sadness,
vanished
until
everything must stop for a moment
and grow quiet.
Body rocking, soul sobbing
infront of the T.V while the 7 o'clock news plays dumbly.
It's all
so
fragile.
(It has to be.)
Her heart stops whispering
and becomes
a broken limb.
(I am a bird and she is me)
be free.

Your eyes sing,
a thousand happy songs.
A thousand beautiful words,
which I cannot fathom.
Your lips tell,
secrets that have my heart smiling.
Phrases in tones,
that I have never heard.
Your arms hold me,
bring me to back to safety.
Bring me back to memories,
and encase me in your love.
And your movements,
they surprise me with each step.
Leaving me afraid,
of loving you too much.

My lips are bruised.
They are red,
and raw,
from biting them.
Tired of trying not to remember,
the taste of your lips.
My face is pale,
hollow.
my eyes wide with fear,
with shock.
The bags under my eyes,
show signs of giving up,
show signs of being too afraid,
of laying in bed alone.
My ribs have grown a face,
and they smile at me in the mirror.
Their teeth a razor sharp edge,
cutting across my skin.
I look,
caught in the headlights,
of an oncoming car.
I look,
like I don't care,
if it runs me over.
Too afraid,
to feel,
I encase myself in the darkness.
But that is just as bad.
It suffocates me,
makes me *****.
My lips are bruised.
They are red,
and raw,
from biting them.
Tired of trying not to remember,
the taste of your lips.
And as the first signs of a slow death start to show,
I realise I am in hell.

Her little fingers,
were always dancing,
and when an eyelash fell,
she wished for him.
Her little fingers,
were always holding,
her heart together,
in broken pieces.
Her dark eyelashes,
were always blinking,
blinded by the light,
into which she could not see.
Her dark eyelashes,
were always falling,
and one by one,
they grew back new.
Time did pass,
like a slow dawning frost,
and her little fingers,
slowly grew rough.
Time did pass,
like a slow dawning frost,
and her dark eyelashes,
stopped falling,
one by one.

Inbetween a state of sleep and tiring thoughts,
my arm extends out to my right,
it's memory of you failing to remember that you're not here.
With fingers slowly curling back under the shell of my palm,
they suffer loneliness.
Coming out again, desperately hoping that they were wrong,
they tickle the rough mattress with their tips.
I turn on the light,
head throbbing,
frustrated with the persistent attitude of my mind and body.
Still, quiet room.
Reflecting my nature,
patient with my outburts.
The soft humming of a car passing by outside,
a contrast.
Thoughts of tomorrow unfurling push my heavy eyes to the verge of tears.
I think of him further and want to message him "I love you.", but am afraid of his answer.
Turning off the lamp,
scooting my dog out of the way,
I lay with my eyes open.
Blink,
blink,
blink.
Nothing changes.
Slow moving fuzzy bodied shapes start to appear on the ceiling,
and after some time,
they spell out "stop." and "why."
Eventually, Inbetween a state of sleep and tiring thoughts,
my arm extends out to my right,
it's memory of you failing to remember that you're not here.
With fingers slowly curling back under the shell of my palm,
they suffer loneliness.

Everything was laid out infront of us;
written in detail on our cold hands.
Nothing seemed real anymore.
And that's what broke us.
That's what sent us mad.
It was the cold chill that creeped up the hallway at three in the morning, waking us.
It was the smile that belonged to the little girl dressed in Prada.
It was me, and it was you.
It was us.
So we sent ourselves to sleep, and in that dream I told you that you were the tree in changing light, the love that brought me to life.
But you were gone ..
You had already floated away.

Red was everywhere.
It was on the walls and covering my hands.
It was dripping from the ceiling.
It was in my heart.
I turned myself inside out for you.
I shrunk.
I bled.
I hurt.
I woke up one morning and everything was smeared with the colour of terribleness.
A great terribleness that was bigger than me and you and anything worth love.
So I sat at the kitchen table and cried.
The bowl of cereal sat untouched
I too was untouched.
I was untouchable.
Now when I cross the road I remember crossing it with you holding my hand.
And we were happy.
And we were in love.
Now I cross the road alone carrying a great loneliness on my back.
Now I cross the road without even looking.
When I was born red was everywhere.
But it was the colour of my hair
And the lipstick she wore on special occassions
And my favourite colour.
Now red covers my hands and drips from the ceiling like blood.
Now red fills my eyes.
Now red is everywhere.

A coffee stain lies on the table reminding me of the time I got sick of coffee and threw it at the wall
it’s faded scratched ring leaving a scent of people are not always what you think they are at all
The tarp over my window that broke at least a month ago now let’s in the cold that winter brings
I remember me and Johnny smashed it playing ball and sometimes I almost forget these things
In the morning when my toast comes up from the toaster and leaves it’s crumbs behind I smile
Because not waking up to breakfast in bed from him reminds me good things only last a while
Well the rain came through the blue tarp today and a droplet landed in my eye startling me
And the footprints on my doorstep have faded without my noticing
The summers I spent down by the river are long gone and Shelley doesn’t ever call anymore
Sometimes I press my small fingers to the buttons on my phone then I wonder what I’m doing it for
At night when I look up at the three stars from my old balcony I know that they’ve never changed
It gives me hope that one day maybe I will wake up and find that my past and present are the same

And I woke from the most deceiving dream.
And I woke with empty,
burning holes inside of me.
And I wasn't the light anymore,
I was just a girl.
Just a girl.
One day I was beautiful.
And the sun grew from my skin.
Or at least you told me so.
Or at least you told me so.
And I smile but it doesn't feel right.
And I don't know if I'm awake, or if,
I’m barely alive.
I just know that one day I was beautiful.
And now I'm just a girl.
Just a girl.